Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Friday, March 19, 2010

LHC: World Destruction 'Ahead of Schedule'

LHC advertising their latest achievements.

Scientists at CERN working on the Large Hadron Collider say they have broken their own record for particle beams, which they say brings their plans to bring about the end of the world 'significantly closer to fruition'.

On Friday morning, the machine - the worlds biggest physics experiment - created two beams of protons, each with an energy of 3.5 trillion electron volts. The effort breaks the prior record, set in December, of just over a trillion electron volts in each beam.

Speaking from his hollowed-out volcano subterranean office, LHC Project Leader Si Ensswonk said, "this is a major step forward in our plans for the destruction of Earth in the name of science.

"The next phase of our plan is to bring the beams together, a bit like that bit in 'Ghostbusters' but without the ectoplasm. We will then increase the voltages of the beams, smashing protons together in ever-more-powerful collisions until we discover Higson's Bassoon. Or destroy the space-time continuinuinuumumum. Either way, it should be fun!"

Mr Ensswonk added that the LHC expected to replicate conditions at the very instant of the Big Bang by next Thursday, and were confident that, with the provision of additional funding, could create a black hole sufficient to swallow large parts of the known Solar System by early May.

The news has been met with great excitement by followers of earth-destroying sciences and apocalypse-watchers, who have urged CERN to confirm the date they intend to end life as we know it. One long-time apocalypse-watcher said, "I've spent thirty years wandering around with 'The End Of The World Is Nigh' on my sandwich board, it'll be nice to know when I'm going to be right."

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Discovery and affirmation of the existence of the Higgs Boson will do well to verify some of what Frank Tippler had been prognasticating from early on and for which most of the science community was in shock and disbelief, as it would have verified the existence of God, Heaven and the after-life in a tangible and concrete way. In metaphysical terms, they may destroy this world in the process of revealing the proof needed of the other, but if it results in a better world than this one has turned out to be, it might be a welcome blessing in the long run. I for one look forward to them disrupting the space-time continuum and piercing through the veil, if that is what they are preparing to do soon, if it will result in the false masks and magical illusions of this world falling away in an undeniable and obvious manner and revealing the subliminal Truth which our ruling class has always worked overtime on keeping from our awarness in order to have a servile population of lower-downs to move finite particles of dust around like ants carrying crumbs to serve their queens rather than serving the real Truth which sits higher up in the realm of the eternal. Let the LHC do its deed and if they break through, if it destroys this world, the new one would be infinitely better for those of us enslaved inside this one, which is pretty much most of us.