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Friday, October 16, 2009

Dublin in Chaos Following Evacuation Order

"Oh fuck no, don't let them start singing again!"

Panic erupted in Dublin today following the implementation of a city-wide evacuation order by the Irish Parliament, the Dail.

All roads out of the city have been gridlocked, and there are unconfirmed reports of hospitals struggling to cope with an influx of stampede injuries since the announcement of the order by the Taoiseach, Brian Cowen.

The Evacuation Order was made public at 0830 BST today following the publication of news that the four remaining members of Boyzone are to sing at Stephen Gateley's funeral in Dublin Cathedral this weekend.

Mr Cowen appealed for calm in the exodus, saying, "we understand people's sense of fear and panic at not being able to escape the city and thus suffering the interminable droning of Ronan and the like. But there is plenty of time to leave the area in a calm manner".

The Taoiseach added, "we had made contingency plans for this sort of emergency, but quite frankly we hadn't expected the need to implement them this soon. To be honest, with that misbegotten leprechaun Walsh looking for the next big score on X-Factor, we thought we'd heard the last of the feckers. All I can do is plead for calm, and remind Dubliners that we can survive this short-term pain".

Army reservists are being called up to form a cordon around the cathedral, though reports they have orders to shoot any member of Boyzone singing outside the approved time of the funeral have been denied.

However, there are fears that the evacuation could cause even chaos than the U2 Riots of 2007, when Bono gave an impromptu speech on world poverty in front of the Dublin Spire and 14 people were killed trying to escape his self-important spoutings.

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