Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Friday, October 30, 2009

El Presidente and the Millipede

Blair Presidency; "my chance to screw up not just a country, but a whole continent".

I heard something absolutely hilarious on the Today Program this morning. You're gonna love this.

Obviously we had the usual the assumptions from all parties now that the Lisbon Treaty is full-steam-ahead for ratification.

Then, amusingly enough, there were the speculations about the likelihood of nomination for El Presidente Blair. Well, I can see why he might be in the frame. Many have committed war-crimes over the years in an attempt to unify Europe or parts thereof, so it would seem logical that once the Lisbon Treaty is ratified and we're all part of the United States of Europe, we should have a war-criminal as the leader. Simples.

Many pundits and sources feel he's unlikely to get the Presidency - there's reportedly a groundswell of opinion against him among smaller nations, and on top of that the Germans, French and Spanish are either opposed or, in the case of Angela Merkel, volubly and expressively silent on the matter of his candidacy. Vengeance for his stance on Iraq and his repeated fellating of President Shrub? One hopes so.

That said, he's probably screwed anyway. Firstly, he's reportedly receiving the backing of Gollum. And as we all know, from football teams to finance houses, if Gordon gives you his support that's you completely, utterly and royally buggered - normally in an interesting and unexpected manner.

Secondly, it's being reported that he's being backed by Silvio 'I am not a crook' Berlusconi, Which is rather like being proposed for a bank-managers' job by Ronnie Biggs. One wonders if Tessa Jowell had any input on that. Or perhaps there are incriminating recordings of an intimate tryst between Mr Berlusconi and Cherie the Wide-Mouth Frog?

Thirdly and most critically, the leaders of the EU nations have eyes in their heads and brains in their skulls. They can see what's happened in the UK under a 'New Labour' approach. I would very much doubt that the nations of Europe wish to see the entire continent treated to a tax-and-spend spinfest to the tune of 'Things Can Only Get Better'.

But, dear Reader, that wasn't the really funny part. While all this speculation about the arch-grinner's Ascension is diverting, the punchline was yet to come.

David Millipede in the frame for the EU Foreign Minister's job.

Yep - David Millipede.

Of course, you'll remember that his hard-line negotiation led to. . . er. . . um. . . Well, then there was his speech on . . . let me think. . . er . . . And his decisive actions in respect of. . . .um . . . I suppose he did sterling work for the banana industry.

In all seriousness, Millipede? The man has all the statesmanship, presence and gravitas of Jimmy Fucking Krankie. Henry Kissinger he ain't.

But in truth, if Millipede buggers off to Brussels it's a good thing for this country, so that leads me to a small suggestion.

We should positively promote The Ex-Dishonourable T. Bliar for the EU Presidency. Give 'em Tony and Millipede - and as a sweetener to the deal we'll throw in Gollum as EU Finance Minister. You can even have Eyebrows, Blakey and Blinky as EU Court Jesters.

Then we'll withdraw from the EU, and the foreigners can have eleventy-million quarters of unprecedented economic growth followed by stagnation, recession and bankruptcy. See how they like it.

No comments: