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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Cameron/Clegg Coalition Promises 'New Way Forward'

Prime Minister David Cameron and his new Deputy, Nick Clegg, have shown a united front as they gave a first joint press conference promising a new way forward in British politics.

Walking through the Rose Garden of 10 Downing St. together, Mr Cameron and Mr Clegg held hands and gazed adoringly into each others eyes as they announced their new shared Cabinet, which includes 5 senior Liberal Democrat MPs in high office.

Mr Cameron said, "this is the dawning of a new age of politics. When I first became Leader of the Conservative Party, I said I wanted an end to 'Punch-and-Judy' politics. With a new start and a new approach, I believe we can now be more like Richard and Judy. The Election result gives us a chance finally to put an end to adversarial politics - this Hung Parliament has, and will, become the Hug Parliament. If I can hug a hoodie, I can certainly give Cleggie a cuddle.

"For too long, the Conservatives have laboured under the sobriquet of the 'nasty party', and this simply isn't true. The Conservatives are nice. The Conservatives are lovely, fuzzy and snuggly, and we wuv evewybody, especially the wuvvely Wib Dems", he added, fondly squeezing Mr Clegg's cheek.

His sentiments were echoed by Mr Clegg, who ended their joint conference to the world's media with a coquettish peck on Mr Cameron's cheek.

Mr Cameron and his new wife Deputy have also announced that key Government roles are to be renamed to reflect the sentiments and objectives of the new coalition. Many Ministerial posts in the new 'Hug Parliament' are yet to be announced, however the key roles have been filled by a mix of members of both parties:

Kenneth Clark (Con) - Minister for Being Lovely to Criminals;
Andrew Lansley (Con) - Minister for Kissing It Better;
Vince Cable (LD) - Minister for Buttering Up Businesses;
Danny Alexander (LD) - Minister for Placating Porridge Wogs*;
Patrick McLoughlin - Chief of Politely Asking MP's to Vote;
George Osborne (Con) - Minister for Spending Money Really Carefully;
William Hague (Con) - Minister for Friendships with Foreigners;
Teresa May (Con) - Obergruppenfuhrer.

Further appointments are expected to be made in the next few days, however Messrs Cameron and Clegg insisted that any and all appointments would be made in line with their new, shared political vision.

Both men refused to comment on media speculation that the Government are to appoint two Tellytubbies and a Care Bear to senior posts.

* The title of the new post, formerly Scottish Secretary, is subject to revision pending the outcome of local focus groups.**

** Once the local focus group has sobered up.***

*** Which will be sometime in 2018.

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Anonymous said...

I think you meant Danny Alexander. ;-)

Dungeekin said...

Indeed I did. Mea Culpa, and thanks for pointing that out.