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Thursday, May 20, 2010

EXCLUSIVE: Jacqui Smith - Life After Politics

The former Home Secretary, hard at work in her new career.

Former Home Secretary Jacqui Beria has spoken movingly to The Diary of her struggle to adapt to life after politics following her defeat in the General Election on 6 May.

"I'm out of a job, like lots of people in this country at the moment - not that that's anything to do with me at all, honest", she told The Diary in a frank first interview since losing her Redditch seat to the Conservative candidate Karen Lumley.

The former Home Secretary, who lost her seat following the expenses scandal when it became clear that she'd claimed everything from porn to bathplugs on expenses, added, "it's a real struggle, and it makes me comprehend what the people of the UK are going through. All I have to survive on is my resettlement payment, my Ministerial pension and the vast amounts of money I saved over the years by getting the Proles to pay for everything.

"It's put stress on my marriage too. Poor Richard has been reduced to wanking over second-grade free porn sites now, instead of first-class taxpayer-funded filth. It's hardly fair, when I did so much for this country."

Ms Smith refused to rule out a return to politics at some time in the future, but said that she currently has no plans to remain in the political scene, instead choosing a career where she can use her 'skills and experience to best effect'.

The former Home Secretary said, "I'm considering my options, and with my history and record have a number of choices. There are negotiations ongoing for me to take on the role of Civil Liberties Minister in North Korea, and of course I'm waiting for my application to be considered to be a CCTV operator for Redditch Council."

However, sources close to Ms Smith have said that her most likely next role, given her looks and abilities, is truffle-hunting for a Normandy farmer.

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Dippyness. said...

Personally I think the pigs would find her presence highly insulting to their intelligence.

Chuckles said...

And the pig got up, and slowly walked away...

Anonymous said...

I could see the truffle hunting pigs going on strike if she gets that job!

Hacked Off said...

Nice work if she can get it...fucking farmer would have to be a bit quick, though, or she'd have the truffle swallowed.

The Penguin