Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

In Which Dungeekin Is a Floating Voter

So today sees the commencement of the General Election campaign 2010, as the political parties posture and position to win the votes they need to gain constituencies, power and influence in a new Parliament.

Now, I believe it's very important to consider all the issues when choosing how to cast one's vote, and to retain an open mind. The right of suffrage is a great right, and one that should not be taken lightly or for purely ideological reasons - but instead should be approached carefully, considerately and with the good not just of oneself, but the whole country, in mind.

To that end, I've decided that I am, as of this moment, a floating voter, ready to be swayed by the most persuasive arguments of each political party before making my final decision.

Recent days and weeks have seen our current Government shouting promise after promise, and it seems clear that they will do absolutely anything at all for voters to secure that historic Fourth Term. I've decided, therefore, to publish a list of actions the Labour Party must do - not promise to do but actually DO to secure the Vote Of Dungeekin on May 6.

1. All civil-liberties and 'anti-terror' legislation enacted since 1997 must be repealed with immediate effect. This includes, but is not limited to: Control Orders; the DNA Database, which is immediately to be purged of all innocent people on its register; 42-Days Detention and ID Cards.

2. An immediate revamp of the Benefits system to provide nothing but a safety net, and to make it undesirable to sit on one's arse on benefits if work is available. On the subject of 'sitting on one's arse' - salaries and expenses are to be withheld from MPs and Lords who fail to attend and vote at at least 80% of debates. Workshy bastards.

3. All Labour MPs and Ministers are to liquidate all their assets with immediate effect and the money used to invest in gold - to make up for the losses after 'Colostomy' Brown sold ours off at bargain-basement prices.

4. The pension funds of all Labour MPs and Ministers are to be withdrawn and their values used to restore some of the money lost by ordinary pensioners in Gordon Brown's attack on pensions. MPs to get a reduced 'money purchase' scheme, with the difference going to the State pension.

5. A fixed date for withdrawal from Afghanistan, to be no more than 12 months from the date of the General Election. All returning servicemen to be given 10 minutes, alone, in a soundproofed room, with the Minister of their choice and a maximum of three impact weapons. All MPs and Ministers involved in the supply chain to the Forces to be subject to prosecution for criminal negligence over those Servicemen who died due to lack of equipment.

6. Peter Mandelson and Michael Martin to be stripped of their Lordships and sent to the Falklands Islands to oversee sheep-dung collection activities. Unpaid.

7. Tony Blair to be prosecuted for taking British servicemen to war on falsified information. And then shot.

8. Harriet Harman is to be outlawed under sexual discrimination laws, and her systematic attempts to remove equality from the system for the sake of misandry are all to be repealed with immediate effect.

9. Gordon Brown must make a public apology at noon from the top of Tower Bridge. Said apology is to include the acknowledgement that he was not Prudent, he did not abolish Boom & Bust, that he created an artificial debt bubble in order to massage the figures and that he has been the most incompetent Chancellor and Prime Minister in history.

10. Gordon Brown to be publicly executed on Tower Green for crimes against the British people. The same punishment to be meted out to Geoff Hoon and Bob Ainsworth for their crimes against British servicemen, and to Jack Straw, David Blunkett and Jacqui Smith for attempting to introduce Stalinism to Britain.

There you go, Labour. Put that lot in your manifesto, and you've guaranteed yourself the support of this floating voter.

However, given that what we'll actually get are the usual dishonest tractor stats, served up with a nauseating dollop of spin and class war, you'll excuse me if I do the sensible thing and vote Conservative.

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Prodicus said...

Still haven't made your mind up about Labour, then.

Dungeekin said...

It's important to be open-minded, and I think my requirements give them a fair chance.


Dioclese said...

Can I add :

Ted Heath to be tried postumously for treason for achieving by the stroke of a pen what Adolf Hitler couldn't achieve by force in six years.

His body to be exhumed, beheaded and the head to be displayed on a pike on Westminster Bridge as a warning to all politicians thinking of lying to the electorate.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant. I particularly liked the one about Harry the Hog Harperson. (Oh and I liked the idea of shooting Lord Hoon...oh no, sorry he made a twat of himslef on telly didn't he, so that'll be Mr Hoon. Van we shoot MR Byers as well....)

Isn't it a shame that we'll get the same much in a different bucket from the Tories, just with a slightly posher accent.

Oldrightie said...

Regardless of anything else Labour must be defeated big time. Then we can start on the rest if they are even 1% as piss poor.

Unknown said...

Voting floaters go Lava-Tory...