An Anti-Political Broadcast

WARNING
Despite recent posts, sometimes only vitriol, venom and vituperation will do. So, if you're not into Politics, Rants, bad language or scenes of a disturbing nature, please look away NOW.

**********

This post is courtesy of the quote below from PRWeek:

"PRWeek can reveal that the Labour Party is exploring plans for an online rapid rebuttal unit, designed to kill off damaging stories circulating in the blogosphere."

This is being discussed elsewhere, as you may imagine. However, I would like to state my personal feelings on the matter.

< mode="rant">

Tell ya what - try and kill off THIS damaging story, you bunch of semi-literate halfwits....

You over there in the Parliamentary Labour Party.

You are, each and every one of you, the fetid droppings of a plague-carrying rattus rattus, prepared to mislead, cheat and outright LIE to keep your grubby paws in the till of this country's resources.

You are led by a scruffy, malformed, mouth-breathing, degenerate weasel, who suffers from a pathological inability to answer a direct question, who has in his eleven years in Government overseen the creation of a benefit state, sold off gold at the lowest price in recent memory, ridden an artificial house-price bubble inflated by personal debt and astronomical borrowing, and reduced the position of Prime Minister And First Lord of the Treasury to an international laughing stock.

You led British servicemen into an illegal war against the wishes of the United Nations, and denied them the equipment and resources they needed even to stay alive, much less perform the task with which they were charged.

Your Chancellor is a weak, shallow, cretinous and vapid creature whose primary talent appears to be caterpillar-balancing. Your Home Secretary is an evil misandrist (fucking look it up if any one of you has the slightest clue how to use Google) who has implemented legislation that in any genuinely fair society would be deemed outrageously discriminatory.

You claimed, in 1997, that you would be 'whiter than white'. Are we supposed, therefore, to ignore David Blunkett? There's 2 incidences of sleaze right there. Or Peter Mandelson? Another two. Or Keith Vaz. Or Tessa Jowell and the mystery mortgage. Peter Hain. Wendy Alexander. And let's not forget the former Prime Minister being interviewed by Police in connection with 'Cash-For-Peerages'.

You claim 'fairness for all' is in your DNA, yet you removed the 10p tax rate, and instituted a Tax Credits system that creates an ever-larger pool of people for whom living off the State is more profitable than working - and you tax those of us who DO work ever more for the privilege.

You are the socialist morons who have 'redistributed wealth'by decimating the pension pots of every worker in this country and by denying essential public sector workers a pay increase that even met your own, dishonest and artificial inflation figures. Yet you fatten your own wallets on our taxes with the John Lewis List, second homes, unfettered expenses and a gold-plated, index-linked pension plan.

With the elderly freezing to death, children leaving primary school unable to read (yet perfectly able to understand the 'crimes of Thatcher', apparently), violent crime rising, the decimation of our civil liberties, limitations on the right to peaceful protest, 42-day detention and the wanton destruction of an economy YOU were entrusted with - now you want to trample on the only civil right the people of the (soon-to-be dissolved) United Kingdom have left - free speech.

You're so completely spineless and incompetent that you can't even conspire against each other with any real effectiveness. You're small, pathetic turds who contribute nothing to this nation other than adding to the signal:noise ratio.

Just try and take away free speech - I'm only one person, there are millions of people out there, and millions of bloggers. There are other countries where websites can be hosted. You censor one of us, we'll simply repost their material on our sites. Censor another, we'll host it elsewhere. Our opinions mean something, even though you lack the basic intellect to comprehend them. We are Legion, and we have a bloody site more knowledge than you give us credit for.

We are economists, financiers, postmen, IT geeks, labourers, photographers, workers of every colour and creed and social background. And our one 'Common Purpose' (to use your bullshit phrase) is that we can see through your lies and your spin to the grubby little motives which underlie them.

Your cracked, deluded dream of 'fairness' is to drag everyone down until they're all dependent upon the State. 'From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs', isn't it? Well, you know what? Marx has been discredited in every country that's tried his utopian philosophy. You want proof? Fuck off to North Korea and live there for a while, try their socialist 'paradise' before you attempt to create one here.

Just try and censor me, fucknuts. Just try it and see how far you get.

< /rant >

This has been an Anti-Political Broadcast for the Dungeekin Party.

Normal service will now be resumed.

Thursday Schadenfreude

Upda*ing Websi*es *o a 'T'

Word went rapidly round the Twitterverse this morning that Cisco had made a minor whoopsie with their site update...

No doubt they will quickly remedy the situation, but for those who haven't yet seen it, here's a screenshot:

I'd have to say that my personal favourite is "Deliver high-ouch service and sales wih Cisco TelePresence Exper on Demand".

High-ouch services. Yep, sounds like Cisco Systems.

I'd say *ha* *his new websi*e is *ough *o read, and *he developer who uploaded *he revision is a *o*al *wa*.

Thanks to Cisco for brightening my day, and to VictoriaC and cbetta for drawing attention to it!


UPDATE:

Here's a couple of links from the page Source - the New, Improved, Cisco 25-Letter Alphabet™ has been in full effect here as well:

How o Order

Cusomer Suppor Informaion

Which means that none of the links work.

It's a beautiful day.

Scribblus Ergo Sum

I have been on the receiving end of a little concerned feedback from some close quarters, alleging that I have a habit of making too many posts on political matters.

I can understand their concern, because I used to rant and rail spectacularly about politics on a daily basis as an outlet for suppressed anger in other areas. However, times have changed, and so have both the tone and content of my posts, be they political or otherwise.

I write for a single, simple reason - because I love to write. I choose to write most about politics because it's an interesting subject that affects us all, and because that's where most of my inspiration comes.

For me, the most important thing is that what I write is interesting to me, and the news makes for the most interesting topics. I have no desire to place my personal life in the public domain, - and anyway, can you imagine the terrible tedium of regular blog posts about what I do at work?

SAMPLE:
So today I received an email from $CLIENT saying that they couldn't FTP to foo.bar.baz.qux from qux.baz.bar.foo. So I logged onto the firewall, and discovered that there was an incorrect rule in place which was blocking access. I tweaked the rule, and updated the firewall policy, then ran a log query against the source and destination IPszzzzzzzzz....
END SAMPLE.

Do you see?

I don't get inspired to write stuff like "I'm Dungeekin, I like fluffy clouds and kittens".

I don't feel the need to elucidate on the activities of my professional life - unless it's an example of weapons-grade Cluelessness, when I make the details public pour encourager les autres and because public flogging has sadly been outlawed.

Sometimes I feel like writing about other subjects. But mostly, I write about politics because that's where, at present, the words can be found. I'm not ranting and raving these days, trying to find a creative outlet to externalise unhappy personal circumstances - in fact, quite the opposite. These days my writing tends more to the humourous and the satirical than the vitriolic, precisely because I'm hugely fortunate to be very happy in my life, both personally and professionally.

Most importantly though, I write because what I write makes me smile, and because the ACT of writing makes me smile. To paraphrase De Sade (which will hopefully get you all worried), for me writing is "both a hobby and a supreme pleasure".

So your feedback is welcome and noted - but please, don't expect anything different.

I write for ME.

And I write what I wish to write.

A Sonnet to Gordon Brown

(With abject apologies to William Shakespeare)


Shall I compare thy deeds with what you say?
Thou art both ugly and incompetent,
The polls shape thy pronouncements of the day,
Thy speech doth spew forth from thy fundament.
Oft-times the Press do catch your lying lines,
Yet to the Beeb your lustre's not yet dimmed;
And though the polls' support for you declines,
Your bumbling, dithering course is still untrimmed.
But thy eternal bullshit does not fade,
Nor lose its stench beneath the public nose,
By true Election will your Fate be made,
Exposing all the lies for which you pose.
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
They'll know your deeds that wrecked this fair country.

Just Listen.

"If you see what I see, if you feel as I feel and if you would seek as I seek then I ask you to stand beside me and together we shall give them a 5th of November that shall never, ever be forgot."

http://tinyurl.com/6f47zo

Are They Related?

Given the ongoing kerfuffle in the City, and the contradictory remarks coming from the FSA and our esteemed Chancellor, one wonders whether we're being governed by humans or Muppets.

Are Mr Darling and Sam the Bald Eagle related? I think we should be told....

A Vision of the Future - Part Three

Transcript of News Report, Zimabwe Broadcasting Corporation
12 October 2017

Seventeen people have been killed in London today, in riots at the current shortages of food and essentials across England.

With inflation now running at close to 1,000,000 percent, and an almost-total collapse of manufacturing industry in England, basic necessities are hard to come by and it is estimated that 55% of citizens are now umemployed.

President Brown, who has been leader of the ruling Brown Party regime since 2007, has again blamed the complete collapse of the English infrastructure on sabotage by "the former colonies", including Zimbabwe.

In a statement released on the Brown Broadcasting Corporation, President Brown said "I am getting on with the job in these troubled times, despite the interference of the Zimbabwe government. Our former colonies are sabotaging our democratic progress".

Brown was recently re-elected as President-For-Life with 87% of the vote in an election that has been rejected by UN observers amid evidence of widespread corruption and vote-rigging. The new Electoral Registration (Parties) Act 2015 denies voting rights to those who are not registered as Brown Party members, along with the imposition of a 'Party Tax' at 10% of net income for the 'right of suffrage'.

President Brown and his Cabinet are currently subject to UN sanctions following the alleged assassination of Opposition leader David Cameron in Paris last month - an allegation rejected by Information Minister Polly Toynbee as "ridiculous". Ms Toynbee claimed that Mr Cameron was the victim of a tragic accident, and that he accidentally shot himself 12 times with his own shotgun while cleaning it.

Aid agencies have been banned from entering England by President Brown, who has accused them of spreading banned opposition propaganda. An estimated 2 million refugees have tried to cross the borders into Scotland and Wales in the last three months, prompting Scottish President Alec Salmond to increase the number of troops manning the border at the reconstituted Hadrian's Wall.

A Vision of the Future - Part Two

Transcript of CNN UK News

16 September 2013

Despite unemployment at 5.5 million, inflation at 19% and the collapse of the NHS, President Gordon Brown has insisted that he is the right person to "lead the country through these troubled times".

Speaking in his regular monthly broadcast on BBC Brown News, President Brown hailed the sterling efforts of voluntary workers in helping stem the recent Cholera outbreak in Manchester's Moss Side, and insisted that he was "getting on with the job" and announced increased Government investment in financial institutions.

At the inauguration of the new 'Diversity Wall' in Whitechapel, which separates the Muslim enclave from the rest of London, Home Secretary Ed Balls said that President Brown was "absolutely the man for the job" and that recent criticism from the Opposition was merely 'sour grapes from those who don't understand true Democratic progress".

In a separate development, police today arrested 20 bloggers under the Prevention of Disorder Act 2012. The released names included Iain Dale, Paul Staines, Neil Simmons and Nicholas Butler. Justice Minister Geoff Hoon said that the bloggers were guilty of "promoting proscribed and subversive organisations including the Conservative Party". Under the new legislation, the bloggers are not eligible for trial by jury, instead facing a Party panel. They each face a maximum of 12 years imprisonment in the Isle of Wight Penal Colony if convicted.

The leader of the banned Conservative Party, David Cameron, has called for immediate elections to be held in England along with a referendum on the reconstitution of the Union of the United Kingdom, which was disbanded in 2011 following the dissolution of the Monarchy. Mr Cameron added that England was "in dire need of democracy". The recent disbanding of Parliament and the Political Parties (Funding) Act passed in April of this year instituted a single-party system and labelled all political organisations other than the Brown Party as terrorist organisations. His claims were rejected by Information Minister Harriet Harman, who pointed out that the Brown Party election victories in 1997, 2001 and 2005 proved that the Brown Party was the only party with a true, democratic public mandate.

In other news - a tragic accident yesterday claimed the lives of former Prime Ministers Tony Blair and John Major, along with former politicians William Hague, Jack Straw, George Osborne, Frank Field, Nick Clegg and approximately 60 others. All were in an airliner which was accidentally hit by six air-to-air missiles fired from three BAF (Brown Air Force) Typhoons, which tragically mistook the aircraft for a cruise missile.

A Vision of the Future - Part One

Daily Mail
25 March 2010

PM Invokes Civil Contingencies Act: General Election Delayed

The General Election, scheduled for April 11 2010, has been delayed by Gordon Brown following the announcement of a ‘serious and credible’ terrorist threat.

Addressing the House of Commons in Emergency Session, Mr Brown said that he was invoking the Civil Contingencies Act in order to ‘protect democracy’.

The PM declined to give details of the alleged plot, saying only that his job was to protect the people of Britain from all attacks, and that a delay to the General Election was a ‘small price to pay’ for the safety of the population.

Information Minister Ed Balls brushed off suggestions that the delay was related to the latest opinion polls, which put Labour at their lowest point since records began. A recent YouGov poll put the Tories on 58%, with the Liberal Democrats on 20% and Labour on 12%.

Mr Brown’s personal approval ratings have also dropped since the announcement yesterday, to a record low of 4%.

A planned demonstration against the announcement has been banned, with Home Secretary Hazel Blears saying that “at this time of heightened threat, protest is inadvisable”.

Tory leader David Cameron said “while the safety of the country is, of course, paramount, I say that he should make the evidence public so that the people can make their own decisions about why the General Election has been postponed".

No revised date has as yet been set for the Election, with Mr Balls saying it would be kept ‘under review pending the security situation’.

You Want WHAT?? By WHEN???

Just a brief one today, but classic nonetheless.

At 1055 today (note that time, it's important), we receive the following email:

FROM: cluelessbottomfeedingcretin@completelyclueless.com

TO: thecluefulgodsofthefirewalls@wemanageandhoststuff.com

SUBJECT: IP address change.

Dear Clueful Gods of the Firewalls

Please would you [*Insert massive IP address space alteration that requires VLAN and router changes, will screw up the firewall rulesets, and violates security bounds, the Geneva Convention and two of the three Laws of Thermodynamics*]. This change needs to be completed by 1100 today.

Thanks,

Clueless Bottom-Feeding Cretin


Sheesh.

Well, as none of us here wear capes, and I see a marked lack of underpants-over-the-trousers being worn, I guess that this particular miracle just ain't gonna happen.

Sorry, cluelessbottomfeedingcretin@completelyclueless.com, you've come through to the wrong department. You need the 'We Actually Give A Shit' Department. They're open from 0800-0805 on the third Thursday of every thirteenth month unless there's been a certain number of proton decays imaged in the LHC over a 32-picosecond period.

You FAIL.

FOAD, and have a nice day.

You Can't Spell 'Neutered' Without The EU

With current events in mind, I present A Play. What I Wrote.

'Apocalypse Next Tuesday (if Wet, in Village Hall): Redux

Act 1, Scene 1

A tense EU Emergency Summit at midnight.

26 Foreign Ministers sit in The Chamber, nervous and worried at events. A quiet, yet urgent, ripple of conversation spreads among the delegates as they await the next speaker. The doors to the conference room opens, and an anticipatory silence falls across the room.

Enter Prime Minister Gibbon Broon from stage left, fly unzipped, tie loose in his collar. As usual.

BROON: Thank you for -uh - coming. Fellow EU members, I believe that the actions of Russia are a dangerous violation of International Law and we must get on with the job..uh...oops, sorry, wrong speech...uh...we must show Russia this in the strongest terms.

There is a pause as BROON wrings his hands, grins nervously and, after a root around in his left nostril, has a quick nibble on a cuticle.

BROON: So my fellow Members. I say that we have to act as one, and impose immediate economic sanctions upon Russia!

The Chamber of delegates applauds. Shouts of 'hear, hear' can be heard over the clapping.

The CHAIRMAN'S telephone rings. There is a muttered conversation between the CHAIRMAN and the caller. The CHAIRMAN puts the caller on speakerphone.

A jovial, yet cold, voice booms out across the Chamber.

PRESIDENT STALINPUTIN: Good evening, Comrades. I couldn't help but overhear - it sounded like you were talking about putting sanctions in place against the Motherland.

FX: heavy machinery, the sound of oil pipelines across the Causasus shutting down.....


PRESIDENT STALINPUTIN: Would you mind repeating yourself please - only I couldn't hear properly over the noise of your bloated, energy-dependent economies grinding to a destructive halt.

BROON: Er. Yes. But no. Er. Hi, Vladimir. No, nonononono. Er.....

A pause, pregnant with tension, as BROON excavates his right nostril.

BROON: What we meant to say...uh....was. Erm. Yes, no. Gerringonwiththejob. Ah. Er.... IRAN! Yes, Iran! We were just saying that Iran's being naughty and we should apply sanctions to them. Not you. No, definitely not. Honest.

The Chamber erupts in muttered support for BROON's comments. Calls of 'No, not Russia, definitely not', and 'We meant Iran, honest!' can be heard from the assembled Foreign Ministers.

Act 1, Scene 2

A second phone rings aside stage right, and is brought on by a scurrying AIDE.

Again, there is a muted conversation, and again, the CHAIRMAN puts the incoming caller on speakerphone to address the Chamber.

PRESIDENT CANIDOAJIHADYET: Greetings, Western Infidels.

There are muffled and insincere greetings from the Chamber.

BROON: Oh. Ahmed. Er. Hello, how's the...uh...weather over there in Iran?


CANIDOAJIHADYET: Oh, you know, infidel - sunny and bright, as ever. But enough of such pleasantries. I wish you Lesser Satans to listen to something.

FX: heavy machinery - the sound of gas pipes being shut off.

CANIDOAJIHADYET: So, infidel - please continue, I believe you were saying something about sanctions?

BROON: Er. Well...uh...I was just gerringonwiththejoband...no, Mister Ahmed. Er. I think you must have misheard. Sanctions? Turns to the assembled Chamber. Sanctions? Anybody here?


Muffled conversations, tinged with a hint of panic....

BROON: No. Er, we were talking about Sandwiches! Yes, sandwiches! For the buffet. Er. You know, next G8 and all that, got to get the catering right, you know....

CANIDOAJIHADYET and STALINPUTIN: Aha. So, we'll just carry on doing what we were doing then?

BROON: Yes, yes, of course. That's fine. Don't mind us.

CANIDOAJIHADYET and STALINPUTIN hang up, each laughing at the impotence of the EU.

BROON: Curses. Suppose I'll just have to stick with fucking up my own country then.

Exeunt Omnes.

In Pursuit of Efficiency

I realise that I'm merely an IT techie, unskilled in the ways of corporate and Government efficiency.

However, it doesn't require the intellect of Stephen Hawking to work out that what I discovered today makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I had the misfortune to need to speak with Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs Service, as it appeared that for the 4th time they've lost my tax return (for the '04-'05 tax year, which is Yet Another Rant).

I'll skip the retelling of a saga that is reaching Wagnerian proportions, and skip to the upshot - I need to send in another one.

Now. My Tax Office is in Aylesbury, in Buckinghamshire. I'm in Oxford - a distance of just 27 miles. However, I can't send my Tax Return to Aylesbury.

Mail for the Aylesbury Office needs to be sent to - Edinburgh.

Where it's processed and sent internally to Aylesbury. Via the call-centre in East Kilbride.

View Larger Map

Now call me Mister Fussypants, but I cannot for the LIFE of me fathom any way in which a journey for my Tax Return of 782 miles can be more efficient or practical than 27.

Is there anyone out there who can explain it to me?

Spelling. See Me.

I have, on occcasion, been known to lambast various websites for poor spellchecking.

This has included sites you wouldn't expect to suffer the affliction.

However, spelling errors on webpages are at their most egregious when the site in question is involved in journalism, and it's even worse when it's our national broadcaster.

Not good enough, BBC News.

100 lines of "I will spell 'barricade' correctly or suffer the wrath of Dungeekin", please.

Grade: D Minus.
See Me.

Technology Upgrade - Phase ∞-1

Well, the new Dell D420 is working wonders and I'm delighted with it.

However, the server upstairs is struggling a little with cooling (the second floor of a well-insulated house tends to be quite a warm place), and to be honest once the fans start up it sounds like a helicopter's trying to land in my office.

So - Phase ∞-1 of the Tech Upgrade plan is being introduced.

I've binned the plan of a media server under the TV - to be honest, it just wouldn't get used enough to justify it - and the Asus Pundit is getting Yet Another Upgrade so it can sit upstairs as a workstation/server.

Another gig of RAM is arriving shortly to take it to 2GB, and by the end of the week a 750GB SATA drive will also go into it. I've currently got about 400GB of data stored on the existing system, so with that drive and my external one I will have just over a terabyte, which should be plenty (for now, at least).

The only downside to this is that I won't have the high-end graphics card any more - however, with the Wii now installed downstairs I don't find myself playing games on the PC that often.

The Pundit is much quieter than the existing box as well, so hopefully The Darling G will no longer have her beauty sleep interrupted by the whirr of cooling fans!

In other news, I'm due to collect an Apple eMac shortly - it's already been upgraded and is running OS X. That will also go onto the network, with a view to using it solely for iTunes.

Photos to follow once the project begins.

The Tragedy Is - We Can't Speak

Today in Beijing, thousands of people danced, acted and performed traditional martial arts in front of a rapt audience of 90,000 in the Bird's Nest Stadium, and billions more around the globe.

Not that many miles away, over 1400 civilians died in a single area. Unknown and, until later this afternoon, largely unmarked.

Victims of yet another Russian invasion of sovereign soil.

Once again, we saw footage of Soviet Russian tanks crossing international borders to crush dissent. This, of course, was not as important to Pravda the BBC as coverage of the Tainted Flame and the opening ceremonies hosted by another morally-bereft, murdering regime.

Of course, we're all used to the sight of Russian tanks rolling into yet another nation. After all, they've got form - Hungary 1956, Czechoslovakia 1968, Afghanistan 1978 and more recently Chechnya.

But this time, there is a three-fold tragedy to the news of this invasion.

First Tragedy - Nobody Noticed.
We're all supposed to be seduced by the Glorious Opening Ceremony, and Putin's presence there, that we weren't supposed to notice the airstrikes, the tanks and the fierce fighting with a country who just wish to be free of their former Warsaw Pact masters and gain membership of the free world.

Second Tragedy - We Can't Do Anything.
We're already subject to record oil prices and - in case anyone's failed to notice - deeply embroiled in an argument with Iran, who can hold the world to ransom with their control of the second-largest natural gas supply in the world.

The Russians have the some of the largest reserves in the world.

So how can we force a country to show restraint? What sanction do we have against a morally-bankrupt nation that will invade its neighbours - when that nation holds in its hands the power to turn off every radiator and electric light in Europe and, probably, the West as a whole?

What the Soviet Union's massed armies failed to achieve, the gas fields can do without a shot being fired.

Third Tragedy - We Can't Say Anything.
This is, perhaps, the greatest tragedy of all. Our nation, along with the United States, once stood as bastions of freedom and democracy, defending both of these in war and in peace.

Today, we stand as guilty as the former Soviet Union of invasion of sovereign territory; of the fabrication and use of lies as evidence for the justification of our actions; of the diminution of the civil liberties of our own citizens. They murdered their dissidents - the case is as yet unsolved as to whether we did the same.

No doubt the politicians of both our nations will rail ineffectively against Russia's actions. But who are we to talk? How can we, any longer, take the moral high ground against a regime that once boasted the Gulags, and now is quietly controlled by the Mafia and KGB/FSV?

Maybe that's the fourth Tragedy of today's news.

What have we become?

Geek Night - Phase One

So last night was, unashamedly, Geek Night.

For the first time in a long while, the dining-room table was covered with bits and parts as I worked to build the machine that's been languishing for almost six months.



After the usual couple of hours tweaking, downloading, installing and rebooting, I now have a working box with a 2.4GHz Athlon, 1GB RAM and an 80GB SATA HDD. It doesn't need bigger as it connects to my storage box upstairs using EoP.

Geek Night also gave me a chance to do some more tweakage on the new laptop, installing the software I need for all the stuff I expect it to do.

Damn, it was fun.

Geek Night Phase Two commences tonight, when I finally finish work - bringing the new PC onto the network upstairs and work on some personal documentation.

Happy Geek Days.....

I've Spoiled my Track Record...

I've realised that I haven't actually posted to this Blog for over six weeks.

This is not, to be honest, A Good Thing.

Part - in fact most - of the reason for this is that I found myself taking what can only be described as a 'Geek Detox' after I sold off my laptops. I stopped spending my evenings on the PC, and did other things instead.

But now I'm BACK.

Geeky as ever, refreshed and ready for the fray.

Tonight I'm planning a 'Geek Night', as I have a PC that's been sitting, unbuilt and awaiting my attentions for ages, that I am absolutely determined to sort out tonight.

I've got some cool new kit, I've returned to (and finished) the Tech Upgrade Plan, so I think it's time for some geekage, some photos and a return to regular posts.

More tonight . . . I promise!

At Last - A Principled Politician

As I may have mentioned once or twice, I'm a believer in Conviction Politics, whatever the colour of your rosette.

I believe in this country and in the principles of justice and freedom for which we have always stood, and for which many of our countrymen have died.

I believe in REAL Civil Liberties. The belief that a British man is who he says he is, not requiring Government-approved documents compulsorily to be carried in order to prove your identity. 'May I see your ID Card, Sir?' to me sounds barely different from 'Пожалуйста покажите мне ваши удостоверяющие личность документы, Товарища? (your papers, Comrade?)'

We didn't need ID Cards in the dark days of the Troubles. Internment didn't work either, and the Crumlin Road courthouse stands empty and unmissed today.

And yet we now see dirty backdoor deals being done to drag through Parliament one of the nastiest bits of Internment legislation ever.

So I was truly delighted to see the actions of the Rt Hon. David Davis MP, former Home Secretary and Member for Haltemprice and Howden.

His resignation shows that here, at least, is a politician with a belief in something. This was an example of true Conviction Politics, and it's gratifying to know that there is at least one Right Honourable to whom the moniker can truly be applied.

Mr Davis's speech stands as one of the best and most thought-provoking speeches in many years. His words speak more eloquently than mine ever could on this subject, so with my support and gratitude, I'm delighted to reproduce his speech below.

THE HALTEMPRICE DECLARATION

12 June 2008

"The name of my constituency is Haltemprice and Howden. The word Haltemprice is derived from the motto of a medieval priory, and in Old French it means "Noble Endeavour".

I had always viewed membership of this House as a noble endeavour, not least because we and our forebears have for centuries fiercely defended the fundamental freedoms of our citizens. Or we did, up until yesterday.

This Sunday is the anniversary of the signing of the Magna Carta, the document that guarantees the most fundamental of British freedoms, habeas corpus. The right not to be imprisoned for prolonged periods by the state without being told the charge against you. But yesterday this House decided to allow the state to lock up potentially innocent people for 6 weeks without charge.

This Counter Terrorism Bill will in all likelihood be rejected by the House of Lords. What is their function, after all, if not to defend the Magna Carta? But because the impetus behind it is political, the government will be tempted to use the Parliament Act to enforce its will and insist on its right to set aside a cornerstone of all our liberties.

It has no democratic mandate to do this, since 42 days was not a manifesto commitment. And its legal standing is dubious, to say the least. But purely for political reasons, this Government will do it. And because the generic security arguments relied upon are ones that will never go away, this Government will be tempted again in the future to try for 56 days, 70 days, 90 days. But in truth 42 days is just one albeit perhaps the most salient example of the insidious, surreptitious and relentless erosion of fundamental British freedoms under this Government.

We will have the most intrusive identity card system in the world. A CCTV camera for every 14 citizens. And a DNA database bigger than that of any dictatorship with thousands of innocent children and a million innocent citizens on it. We've witnessed a sustained assault on jury trials that bulwark against bad law and its arbitrary abuse by the state. Shortcuts with our justice system that have left it both less firm and less fair. And the creation of a database state, opening up our private lives to the prying eyes of official snooper and exposing our personal data to careless civil servants and criminal hackers. The state has security powers that clamp down on peaceful protest, and so-called hate laws that stifle legitimate debate whilst those inciting violence get off scotfree. This cannot go on. It must be stopped. And for that reason, today I feel that it is incumbent upon me to take a stand.

I will be resigning my membership of this House, and I intend to force a byelection in Haltemprice and Howden. I will not fight it on the government's general record. There is little point in repeating Crewe and Nantwich. I will not fight it on my personal record. I am just a piece in this chess game. I will fight this by-election against the slow strangulation of fundamental British freedoms by this Government.

This may be the last speech I make to the House. Of course, that would be a cause of deep regret to me. But at least my electorate, and the nation as a whole, would have had the opportunity to debate and consider one of the most fundamental issues of the day the ever intrusive power of the state into their daily lives, the loss of privacy, the loss of freedom and the steady attrition undermining the rule of law. And if they do send me back here it will be with a single, simple message. That the monstrosity of a law that we passed yesterday should not stand. That the British people have grown tired of the inflated, arbitrary and arrogant power accumulated by this Government. And that the slow but ceaseless encroachment of the state into their daily lives must come to an end."

Getting The Right Tech Is Not Easy

I confess - I'm really not very good at choosing technology.

When I bought what I thought would be the perfect ultraportable for me, it turned out to suck on a previously unprecedented scale. I replaced it with a fine machine that's too big to carry about - and my subsequent choice of ultraportable was, quite frankly, a little *too* ultraportable for me!

Basically, I've been struggling around to find the mobile devices that are best for me, so far without success.

I've ended up with not one but two laptops - one's too big for portability, and the other one is too small and underpowered - and the battery life, while not completely sucky, really isn't good enough for my purposes.

So the Tech Update plan is proceeding once again. Rather than spend more time trying to tweak what I've got, the decision has to be to ditch what doesn't meet my needs and replace multiple systems with a single one that *does*.

So - it's goodbye to this:


And this:


And, to raise additional funds, this:


And the money raised will go towards one of these:



The Big Plan is actually to add some 'extras' to the box, rather than simply get a stock one - so the end box will, I hope, have 4GB RAM, 320GB HDD and a 9-cell extended battery. This should ensure that even I have enough speed, storage and portability!

So far, both of the laptops are sold, and there's about 24 hours remaining on the Archos. It's got 12 watchers, so I'm reasonably confident that it's going to shift.

In other tech-related news, the long-awaited Phone Upgrade date approaches. As I have a strong desire for a particular phone, I popped onto the Carphone Warehouse website to make sure I could upgrade to it - and was surprised to find it wasn't on the available list.

Hmmm. < grab mobile...dial...hold...hold... >

One unfulfilling conversation with a salesdroid later, I was left in no doubt that the object of my telephonic desire would only be made available to me if I upgraded my contract to £45/month. However, the phone in question tempted me from the website, available to *new* users at a saliva-inducing £30/month!

Hmmm. < grab mobile...dial...hold...hold... >

"Hello, I'd like a contract termination date and a PAC code, please."

10 minutes after uttering those words, I had confirmation of my upgrade to one of these...




...with a £30/month contract offering me more minutes, double my current texts and unlimited calls to mobiles on the same network.Veiled threats of loss of custom FTW!

To ensure I get lots of connectivity goodness even when I don't have the laptopI'm also going to get one of these for it as well:


It's also 'geeky t-shirt week' - I'm waiting for my 'Insider' shirt and goodie bag from Qype and hopefully should also receive my first goodie bag from Startup Schwag. Photos will, of course, be posted when my goodies arrive.

Being a Geek - it's not all easy-peasy, you know.

A Quite Interesting Typographical Error....

There are some places one expects to see spelling errors and unproofed documents - Labour Party websites, for example.

However, when the site in question is intrinsically linked with one of the most erudite - and one of the funniest - men in Britain today, one would expect to see an immaculately crafted site, bulging with bons mots and proofread to perfection.

So I can only say, dear reader, that it was Quite Interesting to see the typos below on the webpage:



I shall leave it to you to locate the offending misspellings.

Email sent, and I shall be watching eagerly!

UPDATE:
I've received a response, corrections will be made. I wonder if I can parlay this into a freebie membership....*grin*

New Restaurant Review on 'Dungeekins Eatings'

Review of Pierre Victoire, Oxford - 2 May 2008. Find it here.

An Ode to The Local Elections

I never thought I'd see a day
As good as this,
"But Why?" you say,
"A war's still raging in Iraq,
Our wages taxed to Hell and back,
We're credit-crunched, the Pound is down,
There's violent drunks in every town,
Our hospitals will make us ill,
We can't afford our petrol bill,
Inflation's rising out of sight,
At school our kids can't read or write,
So we can't see a single way,
That you can say 'life's good' today".


Though all the things you say are true,
They've brought about a change in you,
Today, there's something in the air,
Now people really seemed to care,
You left your houses, man and youth,
and you went to a Polling Booth,
Be Proud! Because as one you rose,
And gave this Government a bloody nose,
Turnout's higher than years before,
You stood your ground,
You said "No More".


And all the things of which you spoke,
Are true
We're still beneath the yoke,
Of Government inept and dumb,
But now they've seen their time has come,
We won't be robbed or back your war,
We won't live like this any more,
You work for US - not us for you,
Your years of conning us are through!,
We want real action, not cliche,
We want a change that starts TODAY,
And so, upon a final note,
I'm Happy.
Because today,
Britain remembered how to VOTE.

New Review - myHotel Chelsea

New Review posted on Dungeekin's Eatings - 'Review of myHotel Chelsea'. Find it here.

On the Strange Case of the Trousers in the Night

Attend to me, Watson, for we need to share our prodigious skills to solve this baffling conundrum.

So the facts as we know them are these:

The Darling G and my good self entertained some 40 souls at our domicile on the Saturday eve, in celebration of the good lady's {classified} birthday.

While never raucous or uncouth, said festivities did involve our distinguished guests imbibing a not-insignificant quantity of 'the demon drink' - overall some 12 bottles of finest Champagne, 2 bottles of Pimms, 40 bottles of ale, 10 bottles of Viogner and a truly astonishing 30 bottles of Shiraz.

I wish to assure you, my dear Watson, that at no time did the gathering descend into ribaldry or debauchery. And yet, upon rising on the Sunday morn, we discovered a strange and as-yet unexplained phenomenon in our drawing room.

To wit, one pair of Next mens' trousers, black in hue, in the size of 34" about the waist and with a short, 29" inside leg measurement.

This case, my dear Watson, is far from elementary.

I can recall no male guest departing the celebrations untrousered, yet I feel certain I would have remembered such a display of incivility had it occurred. No debaggings took place, and to this date neither The Darling G nor myself have been approached by an attendee complaining of an unwarranted breeze about the nether regions.

So given the curious nature of this case, I propose that there is but one solution. I shall be taking an advertisement in the Times of London, detailing the abandoned garment and inviting whichever of our welcome guests is suffering a wardrobe malfunction to collect said items post-haste.

Watson - they're not YOURS, are they?

RIP Humphrey Lyttleton 1921-2008

The Mornington Crescent world was rocked this weekend by the tragic announcement of the death of one of the game's finest authorities, Mr Humphrey Lyttleton.

Though not a brilliant strategic player of The Game in his own right, Humphrey 'Humph' Lyttleton was one of the definitive authorities on the Rules, and probably the only Umpire who could control such brilliant players as Cryer, Brooke-Taylor, Garden and, of course, the late, great Grand-Master Rushton. His treatise on the little-known Tudor Court Rules and, of course, his publication of 'The Little Book of Mornington Crescent' are both required reading for novices and experienced players alike.

His assistant, the lovely Samantha, who so frequently sat on his left hand, has been left desolate by the loss of Humph. I personally took her to the Gramophone Library to try and cheer her up, but sadly even when I pulled out a rare 12-inch it was insufficient to lift her from her gloom. She's even taken to drink - the last time I saw her she was in the BBC bar with two male acquaintances, where I understand she downed a couple of stiff ones.

I approached one of his biggest fans for comment, and to get a deeper understanding of what the loss of Humph will mean to his literally tens of fans.

Mrs Trellis, of North Wales, said; "It's a real tragedy and a great loss, I don't know what to do really. I always thought he was brilliant on 'Newsnight'."

In honour of this great man, and this tragic loss, I would like to offer a short poem. It is designed to be accompanied in the traditional manner - Kazoo and Swanee Whistle - and if all else fails, Colin Sell.

On "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue",
He gave panellists daft things to do,
Now we've Barry, and Graeme,
And Tim - but no Chairman,
Humph, it won't be the same without you.

Review: Petrus, 24 April 2008

(Also posted on Dungeekin's Eatings here.)

A trip to Petrus was part of my planned celebrations for The Darling G's xxth Birthday.

First thing to say is that it wasn't particularly easy to get a reservation - and even with over 4 weeks' notice, the only time they could fit us in was 2215 on the Thursday night, which was quite amazing really. That said, we did get called the day before and offered a 2115 seat, which was much more bearable!

As for a review - what can anyone say about this place that hasn't already been said?

We went for the 8-course 'Tasting Menu', which started with an astonishing Jerusalem Artichoke soup and then took us through Foie Gras, Turbot with Liquorice, Saddle of Venison and many more.

The food was just beautiful, however the most amazing thing about the restaurant wasn't the food - it was the service! It seemed that there were individual waiters not for each table, but for each activity - so one waiter would remove our plates, another our glasses, a third would bring the fresh wine glasses, the sommelier bring the next glass of wine, then a runner would appear with your dish on a tray, and he would wait for the Head Waiter, who would then place your plate in front of you with a theatrical flourish. It made for great entertainment.

One word of warning - normally when you have a tasting menu, there are 'matched wines' and you get a small amount of the Sommelier's recommended wine with each course. While this isn't something that is specifically offered at Petrus, they will happily match wines for you - however they give a full, large glass of each wine with each course, which meant that by dessert our tastebuds were more than a little blunted by the quantity of alcohol!

As we were Petrus virgins, we were thoughtfully given a copy of the Menu, signed by Marcus Wareing himself, which is a lovely touch and will no doubt bring back memories in the future.

All told, then, an absolutely stunning meal and experience - but equally stunning was the final bill, which came to a heart-stopping (if not sobering) £396 including service! My bank account will be feeling dinner at Petrus long after my stomach has forgotten it...

So - a beautiful place, wonderful food, fantastic service. But definitely, given the cost, a once-in-a-lifetime meal.

Petrus Restaurant
The Berkeley
Wilton Place
Knightsbridge
London
SW1X 7RL
Tel: 020 7235 1200

Review: Kitsons Restaurant, 26 April 2008

(Also posted on 'Dungeekin's Eatings) here.

This isn't the first time we've eaten at the excellent Kitsons Restaurant in Abingdon - but it is certainly the biggest table we've ever booked!

As the major part of The Darling G's xxth Birthday celebrations, we took over the entire restaurant, seating some 40 guests and a jazz band for three courses.

Organisation & Planning
We did our best to make things easy for Chris, the owner of Kitsons, by ensuring that we had a solid guest list as early as possible, and making sure everyone had already made their menu choices. To avoid mixups, we even had name-cards printed for the table plan which included that person's menu selections.

Sam, the (new) Manager, was well prepared and even went to the trouble to call us on the morning to make sure absolutely everything was still just how we wanted it. They also gave access to one of The Darling G's friends, so that the whole place was beautifully decorated.

Food & Service
There were plenty of service staff working, meaning everything went pretty smoothly on the night. There was a slight hiccup at the very start of service, but nothing major and after that the waiting team were right on form, and everyone got their food pretty quickly.

And what food it was!

The quality and presentation of Kitsons food is beyond reproach. We'd organised a limited range of main courses, to keep life easy for the kitchen, and everything came out beautifully cooked and exquisitely presented.

Best choices were the Wild Mushroom Pie and Foie Gras Parfait in the starters, and in the mains the Rump of Lamb was wildly popular, served with fondant potatoes and courgettes. Also popular was the 'Kitsons Chicken' - a signature dish of pan-fried breast, confit leg and poached thigh. Vegetarians were well served with a Pea and Asparagus Risotto, which was well-received by the few herbivores at the party.

Dessert-wise, we had a range including Chocolate Torte, Orange Parfait and the absolutely sublime Vanilla Cheesecake.

There were no complaints, not a single plate went back into the kitchen, and the service team made sure everyone was looked after, glasses topped up and additional drinks and coffee quickly and efficiently available.

Value
Given the sheer size of our party, with over 40 covers and an ongoing bar bill, I have to say that Kitsons gave us fantastic value as a whole.

The deal offered by Chris ensured everyone had three beautifully-prepared courses, coffee and service for £30 per head, and even the bar tab wasn't *too* astronomical - considering we went through 25 bottles of red and 10 of white!

Overall, taking into account the bar bill, liqueurs for those who could cope, and a hefty additional tip for the service team, the whole lot worked out at a fantastic £50 per head.

This is quite simply superb value for the quality and service we received on the night.

Overall
Kitsons has only been open in Abingdon a few months, and I sincerely hope it stays with us for a very long time to come.

The mix of service, quality and value at Kitsons is absolutely tremendous. The food, every time we have eaten there, has been simply superb and is worth every penny of the bill and more.

I can't recommend this restaurant strongly enough, and they deserve a solid following not just in Abingdon, but from the whole of Oxfordshire.

Kitsons Restaurant
First Floor
15 High Street
Abingdon
Oxon OX14 5BB

Tel: 01235 526966

On Standards of Education. . .

You may recall that I previously attacked the parlous state of British education in my Post entitled 'An Oath of Allegiance for our Modern Society'.

Nothing, however, brings it so starkly into perspective as this screenshot, taken from the NuLab website proudly launching their Local Election campaign:


They've since corrected their mistake - but huge props to Ben Locker for grabbing the screenshot, reproduced above. Well done that man!

This Is Not Just A Garage....

This is not just a sandwich...

...it's a delicious chicken & bacon Club, when you can get it because the sandwiches aren't delivered until after lunch.


This is not just a Cash Machine...

...it's a beautiful, full-colour fee-free ATM that works one day out of seven, and normally has a hand-lettered 'Out of Order' sign on it.

This is not just a cash till...

...this is a splendid counter of four tills, with only ONE actually manned over the lunchtime busy period. And with a superb, state-of-the-art PDQ card system with a 9600-baud dialup connection to the authentication server.

This is not just a queue...

...this is a queue of at least 2o people, standing waiting to be served at the unmanned tills, causing all the pumps to be backed up and all the parking spaces to be taken.

This is not just a bunch of ARSE garage...

This is the M&S Simply Food garage on the A4074 near Benson.

Marks & Spencer 'Simply Food' garages - exclusively screwing up everyone's lunchbreak.

To David Cameron - On The Use of Social Media

The letter below was sent to the office of David Cameron MP - I will update when (if) I receive a response.

Dear Mr Cameron

As a long-time Conservative voter (and an Oxfordshire resident), I was disappointed to note that your team are using Twitter (http://twitter.com/davidcameron) incorrectly, and in a way that is not helping your cause.

I believe a great deal of the current 'voter apathy' is caused by what can only be described as 'soundbite politics' - the compression of important topics into a banal cliche timed perfectly for the news. This has led to misinterpretation and disillusionment in the electorate, and is something that desperately needs to change for confidence to grow again.

Twitter is a superb medium for communication. It allows you to spread the word about your policies, using that 'soundbite' as a stepping stone to link to deeper commentary on your issue. However, where your use of social networking currently falls down is in the MISuse of it as a one-way, broadcast medium.

Social Media sites such as Twitter and Jaiku are not the same as television. They are the online equivalent of a room full of intelligent people, all having a conversation. By engaging with, and responding to, the people who respond to your comments on Twitter you will differentiate yourself from the other political entities using Social Media. You will be able to gauge opinion and gain positive feedback. You will discover that the people on there can engage with you and, over time, become advocates for your policies.

I would ask you to please talk to the team handling your Social Media presence, and ask them to work on following, and interacting with, those that are interested in politics and what you have to say.

For what it's worth, you already have my support and confidence as Leader, and should you wish to discuss this with me, I would be more than happy to chat with you or your team. I can also put you in touch with Social Media experts (one of whom is a Conservative Councillor) who will also be happy to assist.

I look forward to receiving your response.

Yours sincerely

Neil Simmons
http://twitter.com/dungeekin
http://dungeekin.blogspot.com

Reproducing Old Words

I've decided that I need to get some of my older work off dead trees, and onto the Web where it can actually be seen again.

To this end, I've set up a new Blog, and over the next few weeks will be reproducing some older articles, reviews and the like, which have been published or otherwise used by others.

As always, views and comments will be very welcome.

In Today's Politics, We Need A Hanging

"I think we're screwed, mate. Whoever you vote for, the government always gets in."

I've been saying this for a long time, but that comment from a Twitter Friend really got me thinking, and I think it's high time for an explanation.

We Need A Hanging.

Danie's comment really summed up the apathy and distate that the majority of people have for the electoral process - and for Government - these days. It's something that deeply saddens me.

I believe we're hugely lucky to have a democratic system. Yes, it's flawed - deeply so - but it's still democracy and come 2010, we will be able to exercise our good fortune and elect a new Government. We won't suffer violence or intimidation, (much) vote-rigging or the sight of our incumbent Administration using dirty tricks to self-perpetuate.

Yet opinion of politics has sunk to a massive low, and many are struck by the same apathy implicit within the quote above.

I believe that the main reason for this is the tragic loss of conviction politics - and I believe a Hanging is the only way to bring it back.

Conviction v Soundbite

In an era of 24-hour news channels, constant access to information and even services like Twitter, we have allowed ourselves to fall into a state where image and soundbite is more important than truth and integrity.

Before, we had people like Tony Benn, Norman Tebbit, Dennis Skinner even Margaret Thatcher. These people believed passionately in this country, and were prepared to stand up for their principles and beliefs to explain, cajole, browbeat and (shock horror) speak their minds both in Parliament and public. Whatever your political standpoint, these were people you could respect for their principle and honesty.

Tony Benn stood up against his own party and drove through engineering feats like the Hovercraft and the BT Tower. Norman Tebbit stood up and told the unemployed to 'get on their bikes'. Dennis Skinner fought his own party whenever they went against what he believed was right. Margaret Thatcher faced down the Unions (at the time strangling efficiency in the UK) and won.

You can disagree with their end results, with their politics or with their approach. You can't fault their passion and integrity in striving to achieve what they thought was best.

Now, our political figures are analysed for the way they look, and their pronouncements and debates are reduced to a level of banality that would shame a primary schoolchild. Decisions are made and announced not on principle, but on opinion poll. Not on fact, but focus group. Policies are changed as a knee-jerk reaction to the latest approval figures.

Once the trend was started by New Labour - the 'Presidential' looking Prime Minister, who actually reduced his exposure to Parliamentary Questions and instead led by Press Release and Spin Doctorate - the other parties swiftly followed suit, and we now have a tragic situation with a PM who is, if not sociopathic, certainly 'not fit for purpose; an apparently glib Tory Leader who will ever be unfairly hampered by his 'old-Etonian' mantle; and someone called Nick Clegg, who seems frequently to be invisible.

Of the three: one suffers from chronic, devastating indecision (which is not a good trait in a Prime Minister); one is appearing utterly seduced by the 'Politics of the Soundbite' and thus creates insufficient gravitas nor confidence; and one is so quiet as to not be heard. We hear more from Vince Cable than Nick Clegg.

With our economy being led into oblivion by the US and Global markets, a housing market on the edge of a precipice, war in the Middle East, a burgeoning Chinese tiger and rising personal debt, it's clear that NONE of these 'leaders' - or the parties they represent - are adequately equipped to lead us over the next decade.

We Need A Hanging

So it was with some concern that I viewed the most recent Sunday Times/YouGov opinion poll, which said the following:

Con 44%, Lab 28%, LD 17%

Uniform swing - 386 Con, 206 Lab, 29LD

Put simply, this poll estimated that if the trend of the poll was uniformly repeated in a General Election today, the Conservative Party would romp home outright winners with a majority of 151 seats in the House of Commons.

This would be, in my opinion, A Bad Thing.

A large majority, as we saw in 1979 and then again since 1997, gives the sitting Government no incentive to do the right thing. they have the power to act in accordance with the wishes only of their own voters. Unpopular or even bad laws (as we saw with the Poll Tax, for example) can be forced through not on the merits of the legislation, but on the power of the majority and a three-line-whip.

There are likely to be unpleasant choices to be made in the coming years. I believe it's likely that interest rates will have to rise. The attendant inflation is going to cause increased unemployment. The political parties are now so stuffed with incompetents, cronies and oddballs for whom the job of MP was 'indoor work with no heavy lifting' and an easy seat on a gravy train, that there is now no single party which is capable of taking ideology and focus groups out of the equation and just making things work.

A Hung Parliament would force a change to this. By ensuring that no one party had an overall majority, the decisions Parliament make that affect us all can no longer be made by spin doctors and focus groups. No law could be made, no legislation passed without real debate and genuine cross-bench support. This means that what happens is no longer based on ideology or soundbite, but on what is right for the Country.

In a stroke, we would remove the 'soundbite politics' of the post-1990 Parliament, and maybe - just maybe - get the Government we actually want and deserve.

We Need A Hanging, and I sincerely hope that in 2010 we get one.

I commend the idea to the House.

QR Codes

So as an experiment, I've made up a QR Code of the same information that's on my MooCard.

It looks like this:

It seems to work for me - but if anyone has a QR-Code reader and can test to make sure it's making sense, please give it a go and drop me a line if you see anything hinky.

The Worst Words in the World

They are, quite frankly, the worst three words in the world. The ones I dread seeing more than any other.

Some. Assembly. Required.

What really *bugs* me about this phrase is the word 'some'. 'Some' implies that the object under construction is at least partially assembled, and that a few tweaks and some nifty quick work with a screwdriver will produce a gleaming, completed device, allowing you to bask in the glow of your awesome DIY skillz.

This, however, is a triumph of hope over experience.

What 'Some Assembly Required' actually means is this:

• A bunch of disparate bits, all unlabeled.
• An instruction manual with the same number of steps as would be required to construct the Space Shuttle.
• Said manual drawn by a skilled artist who was, sadly, suffering either Parkinsons Disease or Delerium Tremens at the time he wrote it.
  
• The obligatory bag of screws, nuts and bolts, including several that aren't on the parts list and don't feature *anywhere* in the instruction manual.
  

So it was that with some trepidation, I approached the box containing the 'Adelaide 4-burner Gas Barbeque'. The sun was shining high in the sky as I opened the box, noting the dreaded words 'Some Assembly Required'.

This thing had over 100 separate parts, and a 40-step construction guide. I was doing well all the way to step 6 - when I realised that I'd got the (unmarked) legs in the wrong places, so had to dismantle the whole lot completely and start again from scratch.

I have a Potty Mouth, so you can imagine the Anglo-Saxon vernacular at this point. It even scared the cat.

I even had to wire up the bloody ignition circuit.

And I had to stop three times. Twice for rain, and once because hailstones were bouncing off my head. Not pleasant.

In the end, though, after 5 hours of fiddling, swearing and skinned knuckles, I stood back and admired my new 'man-cooker'...

Testing it was bloody scary, I have to say. Much sniffing and wet-checks for leaks, then there was no option but to turn the gas on, and press the Big Red Button.

I'm typing this, and I still have my eyebrows, so I guess that's a positive.

I'm now basking in the glow of my awesome DIY skillz, and a full-on test is scheduled for tonight, weather permitting.

So - if my most-dreaded words are 'Some Assembly Required', what are yours?

Well Done, San Francisco!

After the superb performance by British protesters when the Tainted Flame reached London, and the sterling efforts of our French brethren forcing the Charade to be cut short - all eyes last night were on the West Coast as the Relay headed for San Francisco.

Our colonial cousins did not disappoint.

Well done, folks - the fear of public protest meant that the 'Torch Relay' was, in fact, a giant game of Hide and Seek.

If this hasn't killed this grotesque publicity exercise on behalf of a barbaric regime, then I don't know what will. Perhaps, when a Tibetan protester is actually KILLED by the 'Boys in Blue', we might see some action from the politicians.

Next stop, Buenos Aires....

Shame on our Sportsmen and Leaders

In 1980 several countries, led by the US, participated in a boycott of the Moscow Olympics in protest at the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. South Africa was barred from the Olympics (and other sporting events) until 1992.

And yet here we are, in 2008, watching the Olympics being glorified by a nation with a horrendous record of human rights abuses.

Not just brutal repression in Tibet.

Executions. The country executed more than four times as many convicts as the rest of the world combined in 2005.

Forced abortion and coercive birth control.

Repression of spiritual and religious groups.

Censorship and repression of free speech and access to impartial information - and repression of those who stand up for it.

And yet, despite all this, we are greeted with the obscene image of grinning sportsmen and 'celebrities', flanked by a phalanx of stone-faced Chinese security guards, carrying this tainted flame across our capital.

We see our own police being used by this brutal regime to repress our own protests at this sick parade.

We hear nothing from our leaders, who refuse to condemn, and still participate in this farcical ceremony. Their limp excuse is that they 'didn't touch the flame' - as if that makes standing, grinning inanely and wringing their hands a la Uriah Heap as they welcome this symbol of repression and greed somehow acceptable to their electorate.

And the reason why nobody will condemn? Why nobody in power (with the notable exception of Nicola Sarkozy) will even THREATEN a boycott? MONEY. We didn't do as much business with the USSR and South Africa. Banning Cape apples was somewhat different to risking the loss of all those cheap, imported knock-off goods we are so reliant upon.

And I say to all those who took part in this parade - be you sportsman, celebrity or politician - save your lame lies and justifications. This flame should never have entered this country, and YOU should hang your heads in shame at having participated in, and perpetuated, this disgusting political charade.

And you'll all go to Beijing, and you'll all smile and shake the hands of the leaders of this vile regime.

Does the medal count matter more than the people of Tibet, or those in China like Hu Jia, who dream of freedom?

Does it bother you that the billion-dollar circus of the 2008 Olympics will simply enrich the regime further, and provide more money with which to repress, torture and murder those who disagree with Mao Zedong's teachings?

Every person who wore a t-shirt. Every person who waved a flag, set off a fire extinguisher, booed and protested has more honour and decency than every single individual who carried that flame COMBINED.

You are all guilty of as big a case of appeasement as those who attended the 1936 Summer Games when the tradition of the Olympic Torch was reinstated - incidentally by another abhorrent, genocidal regime.

Shame on all of you.

A Very Public Display of Affection....

I'm never normally given to public displays of affection. Normally, my personal limit extends merely to holding hands.

But tonight, as I sit here at an expectant keyboard, I'm wracked with the need to voice - publicly - just what it is I'm feeling.

There's a person who is currently some 3,950 miles away, doing her job. A job, I should add, that I'm immensely proud of her for doing.

This lady came into my life just over two years ago, at what was an extremely bad time for me emotionally. When all around me seemed black and I was doubting whether I would be the same man again. Just by her love for me (frequently unexpressed, but rarely, if ever, doubted) she brought out of that blackness a different, better man. One who still retained all his geeky tendencies, and yet had more of a taste for life, more confidence with people and a sense of joy and curiosity he thought he'd lost years before.

Thanks to this lady's support, I've restored friendships I thought lost forever. I discovered new friendships I never thought I could make. I career-changed to a job I love. All down to her influence.

It's currently Day Four of her absence from me, and she won't be back for another seven.

When she and I are apart - and with her work, that's frequent - the clock stops. I get up, I go to work, I come home - and like Neo, "night after night I sit at my computer". I put on the TV, trying to drown the silence that surrounds me with the lack of her presence on the sofa, in the bed, in my life. I count the minutes, ever aware of the time difference between where I am and wherever in the world she is, and the next brief window when she and I can speak.

She is "my north, my south, my east and west, my working week, my Sunday rest. My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song".

This is, as I said at the start, a rare (and very public) display of affection for a lady I adore. She doesn't know I've written this, and she won't be expecting this.

Darlin', you mean more to me than I could ever tell you. It's you and me against the world, and you and I are gonna win.

I can't wait till you come home.

xxx