Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Repossession Letter

Knucklem & Takeit Bailiffs

Punchem House


EM 1 1AA

Dear Mr Darling


Further to your recent announcement of a further half-trillion pounds of borrowing, the World has commenced foreclosure proceedings on UK PLC with immediate effect.

This new borrowing will take your debt to over £1 trillion (and there are estimates that the total will be closer to £2 trillion by 2015. This compares unfavourably even with US PLC. This is unsustainable and your country is therefore to be repossessed.

Our Collection Agents will soon be arriving to make an asset list, please ensure that you and the partially-sighted moron in No 10 are ready to vacate 10 and 11 Downing Street within the next seven days. All Government buildings are to be sold with immediate effect, including that flat in Admiralty Arch the fat bloke used to use. Though we don't want the furniture (you know, just in case he. . . eurgh).

The Palace of Westminster is also to be repossessed - it's not like you were using it properly anyway.

All cars, expense accounts and pensions owned by UK PLC staff are to be immediately reallocated to the Bankruptcy fund. If you want to get around, you can walk or use public transport - you've fleeced car drivers so much that's what they have to do anyway. And don't get us started on pensions.

Gold reserves are also to be allocated to the Bankruptcy fund. Not that there's any left.

The Administrators will attempt to sell the UK as a going concern to interested buyers. Current expressions of interest have been received from China (who apparently need a larger workforce) and also Iran, who need a location for their nuclear waste. They also mentioned something about 'making the infidels pay for their actions in the Middle East' - but that's not our problem.

The Royal Family are to be sold separately, and we are currently in negotiations with Disneyland to that effect.

Also, a Mr M Jackson has told us he's looking for a replacement for his pet monkey and would like to bid on Ed Balls.

Please ensure that copies of UK PLC's full accounts are available for our Auditors. That's the REAL accounts, please - not the ones you've spent the last eleven years conning your constituents with.

We expect your full co-operation, and please make sure you leave the keys to the UK in an easily-accessible place.

Yours Sincerely

I Takeit
World Bailiff


Anonymous said...

Do you need a first class stamp for that?

Dungeekin said...

Thanks Z, but I was planning to hand-deliver it along with a punching.