An amendment to the Children, Schools and Families Motion, which completes its passage through the Arse of Commons later today, will require state schools to teach pupils about contraception and the importance of stable relationships, and forbid the promotion of homophobia.
Critics of the Bill have attacked both the amendment and the Bill for not going far enough in its promotion of alternative sexual practices.
Liberal Democrat spokesman for the issue, Mark Oaten, said, "The Government's position is confused, and seems only to promote a very limited range of sexual practices. The amendment rules out many things which are normal to a great number of MPs. Felching, cottaging and frottage are barely - if at all - mentioned, and we are concerned about potential bias in the lack of reference to the sort of stable relationship that can be achieved with farmyard animals. There is also no legislation to promote the normality of a stable customer/client relationship with an experienced professional sex worker - an omission that the Liberal Democrats as a whole, and I personally, condemn."
Conservative sources were also quick to state their dissatisfaction with the Children, Schools and Families Bill. Former MP David Mellor has spoken of his 'annoyance' that primary schoolchildren will not be educated on the sexual stimulation provided by football strips, and other Tory grandees were scathing at the lack of information on various S&M practices.
However, the angriest condemnation has come from the clergy, who have spoken out strongly in their opposition to the Bill claiming it restricts their religious freedoms. Senior Anglican sources said, "this Bill would restrict the rights of the Church to act in accordance with religious dogma in faith schools. How can our school vicars continue to bugger their pupils if we're not able to teach them that it's normal, Godly teaching?"
The concerns have been dismissed by Minister for Childrun, Educayshun and Famblies Ed Ballsup, who denied that the Bill was limited in its scope. He added, "this Bill meets all Government standards for fairness and educational validity - in that it teaches schoolchildren that the only good, valid sexual practice is to be completely and royally fucked by a Labour Government."