TV's Dyer Becomes Charity Patron

Zoo magazine once again demonstrate their quality editorial values.

TV 'hard man' Danny Dyer has spoken of facing his 'hardest challenge yet', as it was announced that he is to become patron of support helpline The Samaritans.

Dyer, 33, was offered the role by the charity in honour of his lifelong commitment to relationship counselling. A spokesman for Samaritans said, "we have been very impressed with Danny's sensitivity and tact in difficult situations, and especially with his sterling work as Agony Twat for Zoo magazine. His suggestion to one correspondent that he cut his ex-girlfriend 'so nobody else would want her' is a perfect example of the empathy we require of Samaritans volunteers."

Mr Dyer's agent said that Dyer was delighted to accept the position of Patron, and would be volunteering regularly to man phone lines for the charity. He added, "It's his hardest challenge yet,but Danny believes sincerely in the caring work of Samaritans and will be doing all he can to help in his inimitable style. After all, there's nobody so suicidal that they won't feel better after getting on the booze and smashing anything that moves."

Mr Dyer himself was unavailable for comment, as he'd cut his finger on Zoo magazine and was getting his mummy to put a plaster on it.

Holiday Twat of the Week

Ricky Gervais, with standard conceited expression.

It was almost perfect. Almost.

Glorious Spanish sunshine. 35 degrees. A beautifully-appointed apartment with everything thought of, from iPod dock to Nespresso machine, and a peaceful pool - all far enough away from the Little Britain of Marbella for me to forget I was on the Costa Del Sol.

We even managed to get through the mandatory sales pitch (a requirement for the stupidly-cheap short break we'd wangled) without the rep suffering serious or long-term injuries.

It was, quite simply, glorious.

Even our return seemed blessed - instead of the expected Sleazyjet transport, where comfort is not on the options list, we were treated to the leather upholstery and vast legroom of a chartered TitanAir 757. All was looking good. Until they started the in-flight movie.

It was Ricky Gervais, 'starring' in 'The Invention of Lying'.

Thankfully, I couldn't hear it (I wasn't going to pay £3 for a set of earphones to hear his whiny, adenoidal Estuary-speak). It was bad enough enduring two hours of his face on-screen every time I looked up from my book.

Ricky Gervais brings out in me an immediate and irrational rage normally reserved solely for Labour politicians. I find it nigh-on impossible to discern why this lumpen cretin with his stupid piggy eyes and his stupid pointy teeth and his stupid permanently conceited expression should be such a darling of TV and movies, both here and in Hollywood. The only reasoning would seem to be his unutterable arrogance - he seems to expect that he should be a star, and somehow his simple expectation has been sufficient to make him so despite his being about as attractive as bowel disease and as talented as a sedated halibut.

There's only one film I would like to be made starring Ricky Gervais. It's the home movie where he's nailed to a chair and then beaten repeatedly in the face with a sharpened spade. And then set on fire.

If anyone would like a full synopsis or the DVD rights, let me know.

Ricky Gervais. Twat.

John Terry Takes Captaincy

UK No1 John Terry shows his medal-winning 'O'-face.

England footballist John Terry has been named as Captain of the UK Freestyle Philandery team for the 2012 Olympics, it was announced today.

Terry, who made his name in the sport following a stunning performance with team-mate Wayne Bridge's girlfriend, will head up the GB team, according to team Manager and former champion Philanderer David Mellor.

Mellor, speaking from his traditional Chelsea strip, said, "I am delighted to welcome John as team Captain. His recent performance shows the winning blend of stamina, bare-faced cheek and disloyalty that makes him perfect to lead our team."

Terry, who until recently captained the England football team, will lead a GB team comprising some of the UK's most unfaithful bastards including veteran John Prescott, and Mark Oaten at the back. Pundits are expecting strong performances from the team, who are currently undergoing intensive coaching from Britain's top former talents including Chris Tarrant and Hugh Grant.

However, while Team GB is expected to make a strong showing, they are not tipped for Olympic glory - the US team is still favourite for the Philandering gold, with David Letterman on fine form and World No 1 Tiger Woods on top of the world after an 18-hole winning streak. Germany is also hotly tipped for success in the Quickie Eventing, following rumours that Boris Becker is to return from retirement.