Four Hurt As Railway Stunt Backfires

Four people were hospitalised today, after a publicity stunt at Oxford Station went badly wrong.

First Great Western Trains were scheduled to hold a 'Meet the Manager' session at the station - however due to a clerical error, the event was publicised as a 'Beat the Manager' event, and fully two thousand pissed-off commuters turned up at the station determined to give FGW management a damn good shoeing.

An eyewitness said, "it was chaos. The commuters just went for the train managers like a pack of hounds. I saw one manager being battered, with four blokes in suits jumping on him screaming "how's that for unscheduled works!". Another manager was being chased by a woman brandishing a railway spike and yelling that she was going to make sure he only ever needed 'standing room'".

The injured managers were taken to the John Radcliffe Hospital, where their condition was described as 'stable'. A spokesman for the hospital said that none of the injuries were life-threatening, though it was going to smart a bit for one manager when the briefcase of a particularly-determined commuter was removed from his bottom.

The railway users group Railwatch condemned the station carnage, saying in a statement, "Railwatch do not condone passengers taking matters into their own hands. And anyway, we missed out on the chance to give First Great Western a good kicking, so we're deeply disappointed".

Asda Offers Job Help to Bankers

Supermarket titan Asda has offered a lifeline to bankers left redundant as a result of the economic crisis, with the accouncement of new employment opportunities.

Asda CEO Andy Bond, speaking at the press launch, said "we are delighted to be helping out bankers in their current straitened times. As a result, we are making around 7,000 jobs available to redundant financiers, hedge-fund managers and investment bankers".

The roles being offered to the former City high-flyers include 'Night-Shift Stock Restoration Operative' and 'Dining-Area Tray Reclamation Officer', with salaries of up to £6.40 per hour for the top employees.

Bond added, "let's face it, after the way these people screwed up their institutions, we don't want them anywhere near the tills - there's no way they'd be able to balance them. But it keeps bankers off the streets, so we're helping the long-term unemployable".

Former Royal Bank of Scotland CEO Fred 'The Shred' Goodwin welcomed the move, adding that he intended to apply for the position of 'Assistant Trolley Recovery Agent'.

New Security Fears for Children's Database

An outcry has broken out over security of the latest Government database, which holds the records of 11 million children in the UK.

The £224-million ContactPoint Database, which stores the name, address, date of birth, parents details, GP and name of school for every child under 18 in the UK, is at the centre of a storm of outrage following its handover to Data Loss Services PLC, the new contractor handling the Government's Data Mismanagement Project.

It has come to light that Data Loss Services have provided access privileges to almost 400,000 users - however a significant portion of these come from the inadvertent cross-referencing of the user list with the Sex Offenders Register, meaning that the UK's registered paedophiles have full access to all the information held on ContactPoint.

Derek Lostit, CEO of Data Loss Services PLC, said "we promised when we won the contract that we would reach new heights of data-insecurity, and the latest news is a stunning coup of laxity. 400,000 users now have access to 11 million records, and we're pretty certain we've ensured that nowhere near enough of them have been vetted."

Home Secretary Jacqui Beria said, "why should the Government care? We only want the information, we don't care who has access to it afterward. Report to your local Re-Education Centre, Comrade!" before ordering your Correspondent's arrest for thoughtcrime.

Leading kiddy-fiddler Gary Glitter was unavailable for comment, as he was already scouring the database.

British Traders Facing WMD Trial

Thousands of British businessmen are facing an uncertain future today after it was announced that they were to face trial in The Hague for 'crimes against humanity'.

The prosecutions, brought by the Health & Safety Executive against Britain's kebab-shop proprietors, comes after the not-very-shocking revelations that doner kebabs have 'shockingly high' calorie, fat and salt levels.

The HSE have therefore deemed kebabs as 'Weapons of Mass Doubling', and this therefore places them under the legislation applicable to nuclear, biological and chemical weapons. Those manufacturing and supplying WMD's are therefore to be tried in The Hague under genocide charges, and face life in prison if convicted.

The move was applauded by campaigner Ms Hilary Dour, of the pressure group 'Action Against Anything At All'. Unfortunately her comments could not be heard through the thick glass in the secure psychiatric unit, but she was screaming something about, "think of the children".

BBC 'Dragon' Theo Paphitis, who made his first million selling doner kebabs and now runs a thriving trade in Doncaster from the back of his specially-converted Maybach kebab van, said, "It's a travesty, innit. We're providing a much-needed public service to the drunks of Britain. And it's not true what they said about poor-quality meat. It's all first-class stuff. Lamb, beef, rat...no, I never said rat. Oh, bugger. Innit".

He then served your Correspondent a large 'Special' with extra chilli sauce, allegedly in contravention of the United Nations Convention on Chemical Weapons.

Mitchell a Match for Mad Mullahs

Walford hard-man Grunt Mitchell is leaving the East End to take on the Taliban, we can exclusively reveal.

Grunt, who is bald, was reported to be leaving for Afghanistan's Helmand Province in order to give the insurgents in the area a proper kicking, after it was reported that someone had said something nasty about his mum Peggy.

A source close to the Mitchell family said, "Grunt was livid. Phil told him that he'd heard Minty talking to Gary in the Vic, saying that Heather had told Little Mo that Shirley's latest shag had also slept with Max, who'd told him that Jack Branning had heard in the club that a Taliban insurgent had called Peggy Mitchell an interfering old witch".

Grunt has apparently already started work in Helmand Province - with an increase in reports of headbutted Taliban fighters, bleeding profusely and babbling incoherently about a 'white devil' attacking them screaming, "I'll 'ave ya, ya slag!".

Your correspondent attempted to contact Mrs Mitchell for comment, but was punched in the face by Phil and thrown bodily from the Vic.

Iceland's Prime Minister Resigns

Geir Haarde, the embattled Prime Minister of Iceland, has announced his resignation following demonstrations in protest at the recent financial crisis and the continuing use of Kerry Katona.

Iceland has been facing riots and civil disturbances over the financial crisis, with many protesting at paying large sums of money to an overweight, drug-addled Z-list celeb to pimp cheapo frozen food. The problem came to a head in late 2008 when it was revealed that many UK Councils had also paid money to Iceland, and that the money had been squandered in massive payments to keep Katona in cigarettes, vodka and pies.

Demonstrators have now been outside Icelands head office for several days, pelting Haarde and anyone who comes within range with foodstuffs including bread rolls (just £0.49, buy one get one free) and party-food packs ( only £5.00! Got a fiver? Got a party!) in protest at the actions of the Iceland leadership.

Ms Katona was unavailable for comment, as she was in the Priory. Again.

Ross Returns to TV Screens

Chat-show host Jonathan Ross is set to return to our screens tomorrow, following his three-month suspension by the BBC over the 'Sachsgate' phone-message scandal.

Ross, whose estuary-accented quips have garnered him millions of fans and millions of pounds, returns to prime-time TV as the host of 'Fonejacker', the show dedicated to prank telephone calls.

A BBC spokesman said, "Jonathan is eager to return to the fray, and excited about bringing Fonejacker to a wider audience. His seminal work with Russell Brand proved his tremendous talent in making inappropriate calls, and we look forward to causing offence and complaints on a much wider scale across the nation".

The spokesman added, "but it's important viewers don't think that Jonathan is completely forgiven for his mistakes. As a result, his first prank calls on Fonejacker will be to Rory McGrath, Ruth Rendell and Canon Roger Royle".

However, not everyone has welcomed the rhotically-challenged Ross's return. Ms Hilary Dour, of the pressure group 'Action Against Anything At All', decried the BBC decision and claimed Ross had not been punished enough by his suspension and the loss of his presenting gig at the British Comedy Awards,

Ms Dour claimed, "Ross said nasty things and offended me. He should be completely banned, and as such AAAAA will be campaigning for a return to capital punishment and his hanging, drawing and quartering. His head should be on a spike outside Broadcasting House!", before the nice men gave her her medication.

Mr Ross was unavailable for comment, so this Correspondent left seventeen messages on his answering machine alleging he'd slept with Ross's wife.

England Star Stevens in Drugs Shock

England and Bath prop-forward Matt Stevens has been suspended from both club and country duties following his failure of a drugs test.

Stevens, 26, failed a test during Bath's Heineken Cup match with Glasgow. He has admitted taking 'a prohibited substance', but insisted that it was not performance-enhancing.

The problem first came to light at half-time during the match, when Stevens eschewed the traditional oranges in favour of a fat blunt and a bag of Kettle Chips. Subsequently, during the second half, the prop was yellow-carded by the referee for using a bong in the ruck.

Speaking in a hastily-convened Press Conference, Stevens admitted to a problem with 'recreational substances', adding, "It's alright man. I'm cool. I can handle it, it's no biggie, you know? Ooooh, I can see colours coming out of that camera. I'm so mashed, man, off my gourd, y'know?".

Reports that Stevens had tried to score an ounce from the Glasgow full-back were denied by both clubs.

England Coach Martin Johnson was unavailable for comment, as he was tripping off his face and, according to an RFU spokesman, 'wouldn't be coming down for a month'.

PM and Chancellor to Join Magic Circle

Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling have been invited to become members of the prestigious Magic Circle, the UK's 'secret society' for top magicians.

Magic Circle President Ali Bongo said that the invitation to the PM and Chancellor was in recognition of their work on the economy and the bank bailout, which he described as an illusion "worthy of David Copperfield at his best".

Mr Bongo said, "the recent actions of the Prime Minister and Chancellor in handling the banking crisis shows the distraction techniques used by the best close-up magicians are translatable to any environment. This alone would make them eligible for Magic Circle membership - however, their ability to make billions of pounds appear from nowhere is a stroke of absolute genius worthy of David Copperfield at his best".

A Downing Street spokesman said that Mr Brown welcomed the honorary membership, describing it as "a great honour". However, he added that Mr Brown was getting on with the job and working closely with Mr Darling to produce their greatest illusion yet - making all the banks disappear from private ownership.

Mr Darling's eyebrows were unavailable for comment.

(Published in 'The Spoof', 19 January 2009).

Apple CEO in Medical Absence Shock

Apple CEO and technological visionary Steve Jobs has announced he is temporarily stepping down as Chief Executive of the company he co-founded to take medical leave.

Apple spokesman Mac Fanboi denied reports that Jobs will not return, explaining that the absence was necessary for surgery to remove a malignant black turtleneck pullover which has been symbiotically attached to Jobs since 1999.

Thought by the Apple faithful to be a symbol of Jobs' commitment to minimalist functionality, Scientists have established that the turtleneck is in fact a parasitical creature feeding off its host, and in return channeling its brainwaves through Mr Jobs, a symbiotic relationship now thought to have been responsible for the creation of the iPod.

Mr Fanboi also added that Jobs' absence from the recent Macworld Expo was due to him receiving grief counselling in preparation for the removal of the pullover which is likely to have a negative impact on Apple's product innovation, possibly resulting in items as unpopular as the Apple Lisa.

Apple devotees have reacted with shock to the news, with many openly praying in the streets and at makeshift shrines in support of their technological guru. There have been reports of suicides, and a growing Facebook group calling for Mr Jobs to retain the turtleneck until a new iPhone Nano has been developed.

The turtleneck was unavailable for comment.

(Published in 'The Spoof', 15 January 2009).

Man City Fall for eBay Scam

Representatives of Manchester City FC have been left red-faced after reportedly falling for an eBay scam, we can exclusively reveal.

Staff at the club, now the richest in the world since being bought in September 2007 by Sheikh Itallabout, became embroiled in a bidding war on the popular auction site, ostensibly for top Brazilian striker and AC Milan player Kaka.

However, having paid an amazing £100 million on 'Buy It Now' - shattering the prior fee record for any player - the club were despondent to be sent a bucket of fresh horse 'kaka' instead.

Brian Dumbass, Director of Technology at City, said, "We thought we were bidding on the player himself - the seller's name was 'Silvioboarlusconi', so we thought it was OK. I guess we should have read the auction listing better".

Manager Mark Hughes denied reports that City's new 'signing' would be appearing in their next Premier League clash, adding, "we've got enough shit in our side at present, thank you very much".

eBay refused to comment on the story.

(Published in 'The Spoof', 15 January 2009).

Cameron Calls for Commons Reform

In an unprecedented statement, Opposition Leader David Cameron has described the workings of the House of Commons as "archaic" and called for urgent reform.

In an address to the Batley Townswomens' Guild, Mr Cameron said that in these difficult times, it was time to bring an end to 'Punch and Judy politics', and offered his vision of a new Parliamentary system.

"The fact is, the Parliamentary system is archaic and fails to engage", Mr Cameron said. "We need to get away from the 'Punch and Judy' politics of the past. Having seen 'Dick Whittington' the other day, I am therefore calling for the urgent reform of the Commons to adopt Pantomime procedures."

"The Opposition would be required to have a good-looking girl, dressed as a boy, as their Leader. Lord Mandelson can be King Rat - that shouldn't be too difficult - and the Lib-Dem Leader can be Buttons. "Gordon Brown can play the Dame - that might also improve the way he dresses, which would be a bonus."

Mr Cameron added, "the introduction of 'Pantomime Politics' will also allow backbenchers greater engagement in the debate process. No longer will they be reduced simply to mumbling 'Hear, Hear' at pronouncements - instead, if a Government Minister says something is happening, backbenchers can shout 'Oh No It Isn't!!', with the Government retort of 'Oh Yes It Is!!' clearly leading to extended debates - though I concede that they may be limited in depth."

The Lobby system would also be scrapped under the Opposition proposals, with the Speaker deciding the outcome of votes based on which side of the audience House had shouted the loudest.

The Minister for Justics, Jack Straw, said that Mr Cameron's proposals had merit, as long as he could play Baron Hardup.

(Published in 'The Spoof', 14 January 2009).