Prophet Mohammad Apologises for 'Idiot' Choudary

Mohammed: "OK, I may have embellished a few details, added some filler . . . "

The Prophet Mohammed has today apologised for what he called the 'idiotic actions' of Islamic fundamentalists who have, according to the Prophet, completely misunderstood the key sentiments of his book.

Speaking in a rare manifestation (which, due to an unfortunate spacio-temporal anomaly, happened to be in a Norfolk pig farm), the Prophet, 1432, denied that firebrands such as Toejam CHoudary were acting in His name, and contradicted several key tenets of the Qur'an - the book he actually wrote.

Mr Mohammed said, "y'know, I never wanted all this Jihad stuff going on - it's quite embarrassing really. I mean, I only took the ghostwriting gig as a temp job. I'd been made redundant from Isa & Sons', I was 40 and I needed the work. We never thought it would take off like it did, much less turn into a justification for all this blowing shit up and general violence.

"Anyway, the whole 'transcribing the Word of Allah' thing was pretty dull, as you can imagine, and in all honesty I made a few typos. 'Martyrs', for example, was supposed to be 'Mates'. That bit about the 72 virgins in the Garden and so on? Well, I know it says 'houris', but actually what Allah said was 'hoirus', which was a nasty yeast infection doing the rounds in Medina at the time. So there's a lot of itchy suicide bombers Up There, y'know? In fact, the whole 'putting infidels to the sword' stuff was . . .er. . . well, he didn't actually say any of it. It was just embellishment, if you know what I mean. Embellishing a few details. He and I were having a laugh about the whole '5 times a day' thing, which we didn't think anyone would really go for, and over a beer we were trying to think up the maddest bits we could put in, stuff that we never thought any idiot would be stupid enough to believe. Next millenium, we've got idiots like Choudary advocating death for anyone who doesn't do it.

"And, to be honest, that tosh about 'women should wear Burkas and be modest'? Allah didn't really say that. I was having a few problems with the wives at the time, you know how it is. I had some leeway in the drafting, and it seemed like a good idea to chuck a bit in that I could point at. Truth be told, I never thought anyone would be mad enough to take all that stoning, chopping and flogging bollocks seriously. Still, it goes to show, doesn't it?"

The Prophet said that he had manifested personally to apologise to the British people on hearing that Toejam Choudary was to march through Wooton Bassett seeking a punch-up in His name, and added, "listen, really it was all just a laugh. You know, you get a few mates together, make a few silly clubhouse rules and before you know it it's all out of control and you've got pilgrims on your front lawn. So I'm sorry about idiots like Choudary and that Bin Wotsisface. I didn't mean it. Just ignore them, OK? I reckon Allah'll give 'em a right smiting once he gets hold of them."

Choudhary Calls for End to Suicide Bombings

Toejam Choudhary: Showing Islamic faith by suicide. Good idea.

The leader of the UK's largest fundamentalist Islamic group has called for an end to the practice of suicide bombings, calling the act of self-detonation 'dated and inefficient'.

Speaking from the Dark Ages, Islam4UKOK's spokesman Toejam Choudhary said, "it is our Holy duty to help the Faithful show their piety by killing themselves. While we understand the desperate desire of every fundamentalist wingnut to enter Paradise and claim their 72 virgins, the use of suicide bombing is dated and inefficient. It is time, we believe, for Islam to embrace a more effective and cost-effective method of killing ourselves.

"We are therefore in the process of trialling new methods of getting large numbers of radical fucknuts killed in a single hit for a minimal outlay. Our next trial is to hold a protest march through Wootton Bassett, and we are confident that this act alone should ensure the successful deaths of 90% of those demonstrating."

Residents of the Wiltshire town have welcomed Mr Choudhary's suggestion, and have said they are very happy to assist Islam4UKOK's planned mass suicide. Several leading dignitaries in the town are offering to personally help Toejam Choudhary show his faith by getting himself killed.

However, the validity of the suggestion has been questioned by moderate Islamic scholars. Shaykh Yerleg Aboutabit, Professor of Deciding The Best Way To Kill Yourself at the University of Kabul, said, "while it is the duty of every true Muslim to kill himself, I can find no reference in the Qu'ran to say that martyrdom comes from being beaten to death by an irate Wiltshirian.

"Muhammed (d'oh) would no doubt have preferred the traditional Islamic way of showing faith - that is, strapping Semtex to the testicles of the Faithful. For is it not Written 'by detonating your bollocks in the service of Allah shall you find peace and the garden of Paradise'? Something like that, anyway."

World's Earliest Social Networking Site Found

"Anybody seen my iPhone?"

Technoarchaelogists at St Nerd's College, Oxford, claim to have discovered the earliest social networking system, dating back to the birth of Christianity.

Discovered in a crypt near the Sea of Galilee, the researchers found a number of small bricks, known as Twyys, each inscribed with short messages in Aramaic, each smaller than 140 characters.

Chief Researcher Professor B Stone said, "this is a tremendous discovery. The evidence indicates that these bricks were individually carved by the people, then hand-stacked into something called a Twyy Tower. Other scribes would then choose whose Twyy's they wished to read, inscribe their own and add them. In this way, vast conversations between multiple people were recorded in the Twyy Tower."

Professor Stone added that the Twyy's so far translated had validated large sections of the Bible, proving the existence of many key characters in Galilee and the Holy Land during the period.

The Diary of a Geek was granted exclusive access to several of these priceless and historic Twyys:

Twyys scribed by Jesus of Nazareth:

realsonofGod: We OK for dinner tonight? Table for 13 at Luigi's, bring your own bloody wine this time, OK?

realsonofGod: Hey all, am liveblogging this meeting with Pilate, tweet if you've any questions! hashtag's #mycrucifixion

realsonofGod: #mycrucifixion Anyhoo, I'll be hanging around here for a while, then should be back in a few days, k?

Other Key Twyy Towers:

johnthebaptist: Met this hot chick Salome on JudeaDate. Meeting up tomorrow night. She seems lovely - says she likes head too.

Jud4sIsc4r10t: Look, I know i kissed him. It was only for a bet, 30 pieces of silver and I was pissed, OK?

Simon_Peter: Look, seriously, stop @'ing me. I don't know the guy, ok? I've told you 3 times now, He's not in my Followers list.

ProphetMo: #newreligion Looking to add followers, @me for details!

ProphetMo: #newreligion Get 72 virgins in 7 days guaranteed! Ask me how!!

PontiusP: Anybody seen the handsoap?

TheLazarus2.0: I'm back, anyone around?

A full exhibition of the individual bricks, consolidated and placed into historically accurate Twyy Towers, is planned to be held at the British Museum once translation works are complete.

Anglican Priests Meet to Discuss Vatican Move

Pope: "that last altar-boy was hard work, I'm sweating like Michael Jackson in a middle school"

Around 600 Church of England priests are meeting today to discuss Pope Benedict XVI's offer to make it easier for disaffected Anglican clergy to convert to Roman Catholicism.

On Tuesday, the Vatican said the Pope had approved a document known as the Apostolic Constitution, to accept Anglican priests who feel their own Church has over-modernised to join Catholicism and maintain their old traditions.

The meeting, led by the Anglican Way Forward organisation, is expected to recommend that its members, all from the conservative fringe of Anglicanism, accept the Papal offer. A spokesman for Way Forward said, "this opportunity is one not to be missed. Converting to Rome will free conservative Anglicans from the pernicious influence of women, and the Apostolic Constitution will allow us to blend our traditions of catamites and paederasty with similar Catholic traditions".

The news comes after months of bipartisan talks to establish an Altar-Boy-Sharing Agreement between the two primary branches of Christianity, and the Constitution heralds the first steps towards both churches adopting the Book Of Common Paedophilia as a core text.

A Vatican spokesman welcomed the announcement, saying, "the Apostolic Constitution is a huge forward step in relations between Anglicanism and Catholicism. We look forward to welcoming our fellow members of the clergy into our Church, and no doubt our congregation are looking forward to the new clergy welcoming themselves into their children".

Shari'ah!

With Toejam Choudhary using tolerant British law to mount a march demanding the imposition of an intolerant Theocracy in our nation, I feel it's necessary to offer a comment.

And, as is so often the case, I thought I'd do so in song.

Shari'ah
(to the tune of West Side Story's 'Maria')

[spoken]The most abhorrent laws I ever heard
All the brutal abuse of the world in a single word. . . .

Shari'ah!
The unpleasant truth of Shari'ah,
Brutality and pain
Committed in God's name,
It seems.....

Shari'ah!
Submission is all in Shari'ah!
The rulings of Islam,
Show just how vicious man,
Can be!

Shari'ah!
For your 'crimes' you'll face stones or flaying,
You'll face death for a difference in praying,

Shari'ah!
I'll never Submit to
Shari'ah!
Shari'ah!, Shari'ah!...

Shari'ah!
For your 'crimes' you'll face stones or flaying,
You'll face death for a difference in praying,
Shari'ah!
I'll never Submit to
Shari'ah!

[spoken]The most abhorrent laws I ever heard
Shari'ah!

With apologies to both Bernstein and Sondheim for using a beautiful song to describe something so ugly.

Choudhary to Lead Unprecedented Muslim March

The BNP's latest Parliamentary candidate on a recruitment drive.

Radical Muslim fuckwit firebrand Anjem Choudhary is to lead 5000 muslims in an unprecedented march across London, it was announced today.

The cleric, known best for his calls for Shari'ah Law and the death penalty for failure to possess a prayer mat, will lead his followers from the Houses of Parliament to the British Nazi National Party HQ at The Mosley Correction Club, W1, at which point all 5000 will join the British National Party in a mass signing witnessed by BNP leader Nick Griffin.

The announcement follows the British Nazi Party's decision to open their membership process to non-white races, as long as the applicant can show a demonstrable history of racism.

In a joint press conference with Mr Griffin, Mr Choudhary said, "this is a great day for bigots across the UK, insh'Allah. The joining of racist politics with racist religion proves that narrow-mindedness and bigotry is not limited by colour or belief, rather by a united and shared stupidity."

Mr Griffin also hailed the development, saying, "this move by the Pak.. I mean the muslims demonstrates that the BNP is now the right choice for Britain's idiots. We stand now as a mainstream Party, offering the opportunity of quality multicultural unfairness to all Britain's morons.

As part of the move the BNP's Constitution is to be reviewed to bring it more in line with the teachings of radical Islam. References to 'ragheads' and other potentially Islamic slights are to be removed, with greater emphasis placed instead on the disempowerment of woman. However, both Mr Choudhary and Mr Griffin said they were in agreement that any bits about being Jewish could stay in place.

Reports that Mr Choudhary intends to stand for Parliament remain unconfirmed.

Gary Glitter Converts to Islam

In a statement released through his solicitors today, disgraced former glam rocker Gary Glitter has announced that he is renouncing his old ways and has found God.

Glitter, whose real name is Paul Gadd and who has served prison sentences both in the UK and Southeast Asia for child sex offences, has announced that with immediate effect, he is to move to Saudi Arabia and is converting to Islam.

The aging rocker said, "After deep consideration, I have come to the conclusion that Saudi Arabia is the right homeland for me, and that the Muslim faith is the right spiritual message. Also, what I like to do is legal out there, so I'm sorted!"

A spokesman at London's Finsbury Park mosque confirmed that Mr Glitter had officially converted to the Islamic faith, and has taken the Arabic name Kiddi Al-Shagum.

Blair to become Pope Tony I

His Holiness Pope Tony I tries his halo for size.

Following his enormous success as British Prime Minister, his tireless work in bringing regime change to war-torn Iraq and his subsequent complete brilliance in brokering a solid and lasting peace in the Middle East, Tony Blair has announced that his latest project is to become Pope.

Speaking to a massed gathering of the assembled faithful on a hillside near Galilee, Mr Blair called for a radical update of the Papal system of infallibility and for a shake-up of Catholic Dogma.

Mr Blair said, "As I stand here before my adoring fans, I say that the outdated structure of Papal infallibility must fall - because only I, Tony, am infallible. And I say to you that I will run for Pope as New Catholicism, and I will govern as New Catholicism".

The former PM is reported to have put together a team of 'cardinals' from his political days, including Alistair Campbell and John Reid. Peter Mandelson is to be appointed Archbishop of Westminster upon Mr Blair's ascension to the Papacy.

However, Mr Blair rejected rumours that John Prescott is to receive a Cardinalcy, pointing out that he'd never be able to handle the vow of celibacy.

New Archbishop: "Homosexuality Not A Sin"

The Archbishop proudly displays his newly-issued Altar-Boy Restraining Hook.

In a startling interview given exclusively to The Diary of A Geek, newly appointed Archbishop of Westminster Vincent Nichols has openly supported homosexuality.

In his first interview since his promotion by Pope Adolf Von Benedict XVI, the Archbishop admitted that in some cases, homosexuality could not be deemed a sin and would not be punishable by Hell, Purgatory or any other form of eternal damnation.

Nichols, 63, will be the new leader of the Holy Roman Catholic Reich in England and Wales, and his remarks indicate a split from traditional Catholic dogma.

His Archbishopness said, "clearly, in almost all cases contraception and homosexuality are cardinal sins - especially homosexuality. For is it not written that a man shall not lie with a man as a woman? I think it is. Somewhere, anyway. But where was I...oh, yes. BUT, it's OK if the homosexual concerned is a Catholic priest, because God knows that he'll be guilty about it all the time, so by his repentance will he be saved and all that. Unless he uses a condom. That's right out, obviously, because it's two cardinal sins in one buggery. It's bareback or burn, if you know what I mean".

The Archbishop has also announced new posts to be created within the Diocese of Westminster, including a team of specially-trained Catamites under his own tutelage. Jonathan King is also joining the Archbishops' team as Choirmaster.

Sky News, Choudhary and Sharia Law

Anjem Choudary - a barbaric perversion of the Islamic faith.

A hearty 'Well Done' is today due to Sky News, for their sterling effort in showing fundamentalist Islam up for the brutal, barbaric and degrading perversion of faith that it is. Unfortunately the video isn't available from Sky News.

A debate between two moderate muslims - both of whom were against the widespread imposition of Sharia Law - and one Anjem Choudary, the 'Islamic Lawyer' who seems to believe that the Sharia is the cure for the entire world's ills.

The first thing to note is how pleasant it was to see Sharia Law and its punishments condemned as 'barbaric' by moderate muslims. That was heartening. But let's just look at a couple of noteworthy comments made by YOU, Mister British Taliban, and dig a little deeper.

"People have asked to be flogged"
Well, yes, I would imagine they have. Given the choice between death, amputation or a damn good beating, I would probably also elect to have the skin flayed off my back by a burly, sadistic mullah. That doesn't mean it's a good punishment.

Choosing between amputation and flogging (the example given in the debate) is asking someone whether they would like to eat a fresh turd or fresh vomit for supper. Neither are palatable, but most people would choose the lesser of the two.

"Under Sharia Law, there have been only two rapes"
I'm sure. However, I do rather wonder whether this is a factor of Sharia Law or the fundamentalist approach to women.

After all, you can't be raped by a stranger if you're not allowed to leave the house. You can't have spousal rape if the woman is a chattel of the man, because she has no right to object.

I would also imagine most women would be unlikely to make a complaint of rape if to do so would guarantee them jail and a flogging for adultery.

"The word Islam means submission to the Will of God"
And your God advocates the execution of all who wish not to submit.

Your God advocates Death for apostasy.Death by stoning for adultery. Hanging for homosexuality.

My Atheism does not call for the death of those who refute my views. Neither does Christianity (my views on which are well documented). Neither does Judaism, Hinduism, Sikhism, Bhuddism or even Scientology. Who, pray, is out of step here?

You claim that Sharia has been the Law of God for over 1300 years. What's frightening is that by your slavish Submission, you fail to recognise that law drafted 1300 years ago which remains unchanged is not good law.

What doesn't change can't grow. What doesn't grow can't learn.

Your Sharia was relevant in a past time, a more barbaric time. As a species we have matured, grown away from crucificion, breaking on the rack, burning at the stake, the thumbscrews and the Iron Maiden. The ducking stool, scold's bridle and pillory are no longer a part of our justice system. Yet you believe the world should Submit to a battery of laws notable only for their archaic brutality.

You believe that the word of a MAN - for, and let's not forget this, Muhammad was a human being (and if I have read the Quran correctly, ALL men are imperfect), translating the word of God, should remain utterly valid, unchanged and unchanging for 1400 years.

Even other members of your own religion deny your interpretation and your desire for the world to Submit.

Your answer to them was, "how can you call yourselves muslims?". I would ask you the same question. More pertinently, I would ask you how you can call yourself a human being.

Your moderate debaters showed you, and your perversion of Islam, up for the anachronistic sadism that it is. They showed, calmly and clearly, that it's possible, desirable and right to be a human being first and a muslim second.

Instead of taking your cues from the writings of a long-dead Prophet, perhaps you should start learning from the rest of Mankind.

Muhammad's Carpet to be Auctioned

Muhammad's carpet

A carpet, purchased 150 years ago to decorate the tomb of the Prophet Muhammad in Medina is due to be auctioned today.

The carpet, which is largely red and blue and decorated with pearls, was made in the 1860's and was bought by the Prophet's descendants in around 1860 from their local branch of Courts. It was used between 1860 and around 1909 as a decoration to the tomb's bathroom, where its rubber backing was seen as a godsend. Or, obviously enough, an Allahsend.

The current owner, a Mr A Hamza of Belmarsh, is reported to be selling the precious loomed heirloom to pay for some snout he owes 'Crusher' Willis on B Wing, said, "It's as good a piece of Wilton as anyone's going to find, I'm sad to be getting rid of it, truth be told".

Auctioneers Floggit Gavel have been commissioned to sell the rug, are expecting it to sell for 'upwards of £5, perhaps as much as £20', and orange antique specialist David Dickinson said, "at that price it's cheap as chips, and it'll be right as rain once someone gets the stains out".

This is the first of the carpets from the Prophet's tomb to be sold on the open market. A stair carpet, believed to have been used in Muhammad's student days when he resided in a 3-bedroom semi in Luton, is due to be sold next week and has a reserve price of £0.99 on eBay.

Bin Laden Calls for New Jihad

Al-Qaeda's elusive leader Osama Bin Laden has called for a new Jihad in a new audio tape released to the Reuters news agency today.

In the latest tape, which is being checked for authenticity by the CIA, Bin Laden called for all Muslims to declare a Holy War on the Starbucks chain, after they reportedly served him with a substandard Vente Halal Decaf Latte.

Describing Starbucks as 'The Coffee Satan'. Bin Laden called for the faithful to unite, saying, "it is an insult to the will of Allah that a terrorist can't get his morning coffee served the way he wants it. It's hard enough to get motivated most mornings anyway after a night in the cave, all I want is a fricking Latte, insh'Allah.

"Yet the bloody baristas at Tora Bora Starbucks keep forgetting to give me a double shot, and don't heat the milk enough. It is a direct affront to the Muslim people and we must strike back at these Satanic purveyors of crap coffee with the full force of the Faithful."

Bin Laden reportedly continued in a similar vein for some 30 minutes, before finally denouncing all those who take brown sugar in espresso as 'infidels' and calling for their execution.

A Starbucks barista, contacted for comment while this reporter was buying his morning mocha, declined to comment.

(Published in The Tart, 14 January 2009).

Goodwill To All (Straight) Men?

So in his Christmas Address, His Holiness Pope Benedict has preached goodwill to all men (and women). Or not.

Apparently, saving humanity from homosexual or transsexual behaviour is as important as protecting the environment. Homosexuality will, according to his Holiness, contribute to the destruction of the human race.

Wrong. Utterly wrong. Stupid, derisory, wrong, cretinous, risible, wrong, divisive, insulting. And wrong.

Firstly, I think we'd all take the Pontiff's comments a lot more seriously if he were equally stringent in his attempts to stop priests from buggering altar boys. But that's another post. Instead, let's realise what his Holiness is actually concerned about.

Be assured, for the Catholic Church this isn't about The Book. It's about The Balance Sheet.

The Catholic Church is one of the richest entities on the planet. Just look at its holdings of land - from its churches on pieces of prime real-estate up to an entire country. And where does it get its money?

Well, leaving aside the odd spot of looting and pillaging over the years, the income of the Church has always come largely from the largesse of its congregations.

The purpose of a Catholic is simple - to donate money to the Church, and to breed lots of little Catholics to donate their money to the Church. Even the Nativity scene makes sure everyone's aware of the need to donate - Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh were extremely expensive in their time.

Homosexual relationships, therefore, have a severe impact on the raison d'etre of the Catholic Church - they reduce the likelihood of children being born, which in turn reduces the number of donors to the Church. This reduces their opportunity to make money. Which is, for their business, A Bad Thing. The same can be said of the other bugbear for the Holy See - contraception.

The Pope is the CEO of a large company that makes its money from the credulity of its believers. The Bible speaks of a God of love, of tolerance and of peace - yet for the Catholic Church, there's only love and tolerance for those whose lifestyle ensures the continuance of their income.

Merry Christmas to all, and goodwill to all men from the Holy Roman Empire, eh?