The appointments of the new leaders were announced following
Baroness Ashton was reported to have won her post on merit following her highly-commended work as Trade Commissioner, where she negotiated the . . . the . . .well, they were already paying her resettlement allowances so why not.
The news was met with spontaneous outbreaks of complete disinterest across Europe. One Estonian voter we spoke to said, "Rumpypumpy and Ashton? Are they a new Eurovision Song Contest act? We like Eurovision".
A survey conducted by The Diary indicates that just over 70% of EU voters are more interested in whether Taoiseach Cowen is going to punch President Sarkozy at their next meeeting.
Pointless X-Factor twats Jedward were unavailable for comment as they were being interviewed by Sky.
*(a role that involves no power whatsoever, and merely requires the incumbent to attract attention so no one wonders who's really in charge).