Queen's Speech Promises 'Guaranteed Rights'

"How much more of this dishonest drivel must one spout?"

In the last Queen's Speech of the current Labour Government before the General Election, Labour have offered the British public a series of new guarantees. aimed at improving public services.

In a speech redolent with the solemnity of the occasion and the somnolence of the drafter, Her Majesty said that the Government would introduce a series of guaranteed rights, ensuring that the electorate were fully aware of what these rights were.

Speaking after the Speech, Eminence GriseDeputy Prime Minister Lord Fondlebum said, "it is right as a socially-conscious Party delivering fair democratic choice to the British people that we offer socially-conscious democratic guarantees of democratic rights and social choice in the interests of fairness. Democratically and socially . . er. . unlike the nasty Tories, who are all Bullingdon toffs even though they've got a smaller net worth than I have.

"Therefore, with the implementation of the bills in today's Queen's Speech, we are giving the British Public the guaranteed right to a good education for their children, the guaranteed right to see a specialist within two weeks of diagnosis, the guaranteed right to community-based care if you are elderly, and the guaranteed right not to be flooded out of their homes when it rains. All these are guarantees, which is important. And democratic and socially conscious and all that."

Lord Fondlebum added, "however, it is important that the British people also understand that in the cause of socially-conscious democracy, they won't actually GET anything different than the usual tax-and spend rubbish they've had for the last ten years. They'll still be dead long before they get any treatment for their ailments, we'll still nick their house when they get old and their children will still grow up illiterate, brainwashed and with a poor Third from a university staffed with Guardian readers. But the important thing is they'll get the guaranteed right to all these things, which sounds good in the run-up to an Election, doesn't it? Much better than the nasty Tories".