As you may be aware, we recently restarted the Large Hadron Collider following the magnet incident last year. Our highly-trained scientists today started accelerating protons again and we are pleased to announce that we have started making collisions.
However, we regret to report that there's been a slight mishap.
Unfortunately, it appears that a leftover crumb from the recent Bird/Baguette/LHC Interface Issue remained in stasis within the LHC chamber, and was subsequently struck simultaneously by protons travelling at 0.9998c in either direction. This had unexpected results, both positive and negative.
On the positive side, we are delighted to announce that we have isolated the Higgs-Boson Particle. It's real. And it seems surprisingly yeasty.
However, on the slightly negative side, we may inadvertently have opened up a wormhole into an alternate dimension, but as we've still got the internet we're sure it's fine. Reasonably sure. Well, nobody's died yet. Not here at CERN, anyway. Er . . .
On the subject of death, it may not be best to go outdoors just yet, as we're not sure if either of the three stars above us are actually our Sun. We've asked Stephen Hawking to help us work out the stellar maths, but unfortunately he suffered a floating-point failure and we've had to reboot him, so we'll get back to you on that one.
We're reasonably certain the atmosphere around us remains the same, though in all honesty it's being burned through pretty quickly. Top up on the sunblock, folks. But still, it's nice to go somewhere different for a holiday, isn't it?
We have our best technicians working on things right now, and we're confident that if the magnets don't blow up again, we should have Earth back in its correct position within the right Galaxy before we're all reduced to dust by stellar radiation.
Er . . . has anyone got a baguette we could borrow?
Yours In Science