Civil Servants to Receive Highest Accolade

VC - awards to bean-counters "not insulting to real soldiers at all".

In an unprecedented development, three civil servants are to be awarded the Victoria Cross, Britain's highest award for valour. The presentation will be the first time the award has been given to non-military personnel.

The medals, which are to be awarded by Her Majesty the Queen, are to be awarded to the three workers from the Ministry of Defence for 'Bureaucracy above and beyond the call of duty', and will be presented at the same time as many other civil servants will be presented with the Afghanistan campaign medal, the Operational Service Medal.

The Victoria Cross, incepted in the reign of Queeen George V, is the highest award for bravery in the face of the enemy, and to date only 1356 medals have been awarded.

The Diary understands that the citations for the awards read as follows:

"On 23 June 2009, Senior Action Co-Ordinators XXX XXXXX, XXXX XXXXXXXX and XXXXXXX XXXXXXX were caught in an extreme situation, with an urgent report on executive-bathroom usage statistics to be presented to senior Ministers and a desperate shortage of photocopier toner.

Despite severe resistance from the Toner Procurement Department, the three Co-Ordinators traversed fully three floors of MoD Main Building, and in an act of supreme courage used the photocopier in the Body Armour Reduction Unit in spite of not having documentary authorisation for the floor. The unit showed extreme presence of mind in ensuring that they retained an adequate supply of 4th-Floor Printer Foolscap.

Two of the recipients were wounded in the action, with Co-Ordinator XXXXXXX XXXXXXX receiving a grievous injury from a staple remover, and XXX XXXXX achieved the photocopying objective despite receiving three separate paper cuts."

Defence Secretary Blakey Ainsworth praised the actions of the three civil servants, saying, "this high accolade is well-deserved - the important work of the Ministry of Defence to the War Effort cannot easily be quantified. I don't know how anyone can think that this totally devalues the awards presented to real heroes who actually put their lives on the line for Queen and Country".

h/t Ambush Predator

Bogeyman Bin Goldstein

If he didn't exist, they'd have had to create him.

When I put my son to bed at night, we have to search under the bed and in the cupboards to make sure there are no monsters, ghosties or bogeymen. He's afraid of what might be there - of what he can't see and can't find.

He tells me, "just because you can't see them doesn't mean they're not there. They're hiding".

Dungeekin Minor's fear has one advantage. He stays in his bed . . in other words, his fear of the monsters under the bed keep him exactly where I want him.

So the weekend brings us news that that colossus among statesmen, Gollum Brown, has castigated the Pakistani goverment and demanded that they 'take out' Osama Bin Laden.

A man once supported by us (that is, the US/UK 'special relationship'), who then turned against us and is now vilified as the world's most dangerous terrorist. A man who is never seen in person, but who periodically releases video recordings denouncing the West and all it stands for, and calling for root-and-branch change.A man who hates everything we stand for. A man who masterminds atrocities against our societies and who wishes us dead.

Sound familiar?

Osama Bin Laden is the bogeyman of Western government. He's the Keyser Soze of the terrorist fraternity, the Emmanuel Goldstein of the noughties.

This creature of the caves, the terror of Tora Bora, is the mythical fantastical monster that the Government use to keep us pliant. His spectre hovers over our daily lives. If we don't do what the Government says, Osama's gonna get us in our beds.

Osama Bin Laden drives the legislation that controls us. If we don't have ID cards, Osama will blow us up. If we don't have 42-days detention, Osama will unleash a 'dirty bomb'. If we don't have CCTV, Osama will slaughter us in our sleep.

If we don't send our troops to Afghanistan, Osama will unleash a jihad upon western shores, destroying the world as we know it. So we'd better have another billion or three in defence appropriations.

I ask you to consider Brown's demands, and then consider this...

If Osama is captured or killed, there is no need for an Afghan war of occupation. There's no need for ID cards, 42 days or any of the other legislation we currently suffer under. There would be no need for the massive diminution of Civil Liberties we have had and continue to experience.

Yet this legislation keeps us powerless, and subservient to Government. And this fear of Bogeyman Bin Goldstein keeps us looking outward at an external threat, while ignoring the pernicious creep of totaliarianism on our own shores.

Ask yourself this. Is Bin Laden more valuable to this Government dead....or alive and scary?

Because I think if Bin Laden didn't exist, then they'd have needed to create him.

Thanks, Whoever You Are!

My thanks go to MrKiddr, who clearly has talents I lack and was able to subtitle my Climate Change Song into a video!

Thanks for doing that - excellent job, fella.

UKIP Announce New Manager

From no-hopers to no-voters: Eriksson's latest challenge.

Football fans and political pundits across the UK have been stunned by the announcement that Sven-Goran Eriksson has been offered, and accepted, the role of Manager of the UK Independence Party.

Eriksson, who will take up the position once negotiations for his release from Notts County FC are completed, was signed for a reported deal worth in excess of £10 per year.

The announcement was made by former UKIP Manager Nigel Farage and surprised pundits, who had confidently predicted that former Conservative peer Lord Pearson would be the new incumbent. However, Mr Farage said that the decision to appoint Eriksson was 'in the best interests of the Party', and he hoped that Eriksson would help UKIP capitalise on their strong performance in recent European fixtures.

Mr Eriksson said, "I believe I am the man to bring UKIP into a new attacking role. I have a track record of suc....well, I have a track record. And let's face it, after Notts County and England I'm pretty used to managing sides with absolutely no chance of winning big".

"Surprised and disappointed": Lord Pearson was hotly tipped for the job before Eriksson's shock appointment.

Lord Pearson said he was surprised and disappointed at the appointment of the former England manager, but added that he was now hopeful of taking over at Portsmouth FC.

The Climate Change Song

In honour of the hammering the Climate Change wonks have been taking recently, and noting that they're endeavouring to bring their agenda back on-stream again, I thought I'd venture my opinion about Global Whatever in song.

The Climate Change Song (with apologies to Depeche Mode)

The CRU claim our planet's nearly dead,
And I couldn't give a fuck, I couldn't give a fuck,
Their data's all a con, you can't believe a thing they said,
And I couldn't give a fuck, I couldn't give a fuck,

The climate's changing, they say it's our fault,
But I really just can't give a fuck,

They just won't recognise their data's incomplete,
And I couldn't give a fuck, I couldn't give a fuck,
They castigate for driving cars and even eating meat,
And I couldn't give a fuck, I couldn't give a fuck,

They say that CO2 will kill us all,
But I really just can't give a fuck,

I couldn't give a fuck,
. . .
I couldn't give a fuck...

And when it rains, it's shown on BBC,
And I couldn't give a fuck, I couldn't give a fuck,
They claim the deluge is down to you and me,
And I couldn't give a fuck, I couldn't give a fuck,

The climate cycles as it always does,
And I really just can't give a fuck,

I couldn't give a fuck,
Repeat to the end of the world....

Health Secretary Attacks 'Malicious' Hospital Report

Basildon University Hospital: 'Ahead of Government Targets'

The Department of Health has reacted angrily to reports from an indendepent regulator that two hospitals in Essex were guilty of a 'catalogue of failings'.

The report, from the Patients Association, highlighted an unusually high death-rate, a lack of help with feeding, a lack of dignity and poor hygiene including blood-spattered kit.

However, the report was dismissed by Health Secretary Andy Burnham, who said, "I do not recognise the content of this report by the Patients Association. The hospital was rated as 'good' by the Quality Care Commission just last month. It is clear that the Patients Association do not understand how intensive and far-reaching the QCC inspections are.

"The original inspection focused on all the key elements required of a modern NHS Trust, and found that Basildon University Hospital, for example, was showing excellence in its Halal LBGT Diversity Sensivity Outreach statistics, along with significantly higher-than-average results in its Managerial Canteen Satisfaction Survey. The QCC also found that Orsett Hospital was well ahead of Government targets in its takeup of Ethnic Minority Car-Parking Facilitators. It's clear from this information that the Patients Association are misguided, not to say malicious, in their slurs against these great institutions".

When asked about a death-rate 30% higher than the national average, bloodstained funiture and mattresses, single-use items being used multiple times and even mould growing on suction machines, Mr Burnham said, "these are not statistics that are valid in a modern National Health Service. What is important is that we have sufficient vague and irrelevant targets for Service Users to misunderstand. However, we are listening and learning lessons, and I will, in the fullness of time, publish a White Paper to recommend the constitution of a committee to discuss the implementation of a new Independent Body to assess methods of evaluating hospital cleanliness. Which is much better than the cuts of the nasty Tories".

The Diary attempted to contact patients at the Basildon & Thurrock NHS Trust, but unfortunately they were too dead to comment.

The Smoking Grin

The only guilty man in the Government?

I never thought I'd say this. In fact, I am utterly convinced that once I say what I am about to say, many of my Dear Readers will suffer shock, seizures and loss of bladder and sphincter control. For that, I apologise. But it must be said.

Right now, I feel sorry for Tony Blair.

There, I've said it. I'll allow you all a moment or two to regain your equilibrium. . . Recovered? Good. Allow me, then, to clarify.

I don't like the man. In fact, I loathe both him and the Wide-Mouth Frog with a passion that sometimes even startles me. He epitomises everything that is wrong with this country today. With the slickness of a well-greased weasel, he instituted the policies and practices that have led to the dire situation we see in today's political system. And his destruction of faith in British politics was covered by that permanent snake-oil-salesman grin.

Of course, I also hold him directly responsible for the detestable presence of Gollum Brown in Number Ten - which is unforgivable, given the scorched-earth Britain we've received as a result of their sordid little power-sharing deals.

And yet I feel sorry for him today.

Yesterday's evidence to the Chilcot Inquiry was eye-opening for a number of reasons, but mostly because if you listened carefully you heard what's coming. Yesterday, the outline of the Government spin to be applied to the matter hove fuzzily into view.

We heard from Sir Christopher Meyer that Tony and Dubya were alone for a significant portion of their time at Shrub's ranch in Crawford, Texas. Alone. No advisers, no Ambassadors, no agenda and (most importantly) no documentation.

From the Grauniad:

Meyer said there was a "sea change" in Washington's attitude to Iraq in the months after 11 September. In his briefing notes before the Texas summit, Meyer advised Blair to focus on how to garner international support for regime change, how to go about ousting Saddam, and what to do in the aftermath.

At the meeting, he said Bush and Blair spent "a large chunk of time" together with no advisers present. "To this day I'm not entirely clear what degree of convergence was, if you like, signed in blood at the Crawford ranch," he said, adding that Blair provided a clue in a speech the next day in which he mentioned "regime change" in Iraq for the first time.

You can see it coming, can't you? Tony did it, yeronner. It was all him. We had nuffink to do wiv it, honest guv. He done it then ran away.

They couldn't find a 'smoking gun', so instead will blame it on a smoking grin. Everything's going to be brought back to, and blamed on, Tony and that undocumented meeting at Crawford. Which, of course, provides Gollum with a convenient scapegoat and semi-plausible deniability.

So while smiling in his face, Gollum (with the aid of the Dark Lord of Foy, no doubt) is preparing a very large, very sharp knife to embed in his old colleague's back. And that's why I am feeling sorry for him today - because while he certainly holds the majority share of responsibility as Prime Minister at the time, he also had a Cabinet - which included current members of Brown's cabinet and Brown himself. All those involved must shoulder their share of responsibility.

To solely implicate Bliar, revolting specimen though he is, would simply be a different sort of whitewash.

A Limerick

Poor old Gordon said, "It's so unfair!"
PMQ's is a tough cross to bear,
But I'll teach 'em a lesson,
My Inman Expression,
WIll give bloody Cam'ron a scare!

Picture unashamedly nicked from Guido.

Water Regulator Announces Cheaper Bills

A consumer celebrates their regulator-provided windfall.

Traffic has been brought to a standstill in towns and cities across the UK in the wake of today's annoucement that water bills are to fall.

The announcement by OfWat that water bills are to fall by an average of £3 per year by 2015 is being hailed by the regulator as 'a negotiation breakthrough', and it is believed to be the first time in living memory that utility prices will actually fall.

Ofwat chief executive Regina Finn said: "Customers have told us that they want us to keep water and sewage charges flat while maintaining a safe, reliable supply of water.

"We've scrutinised every pound in the customer's wallet to ensure that they're paying what the companies want, and we're proud that our negotiation breakthrough has led to such a wonderful result for the British consumer."

Spontaneous demonstrations from the entire populace expressing their joy and adulation have erupted across the nation, with many people spraying hosepipes in the air and calling for the OfWat negotiation team to handle other major trade deals.

One consumer took a break from waving his sprinkler to tell The Diary, "I'm overjoyed. This is a significant moment in history - a life-changing event. I'm delighted with the saving. It means I'll be able to treat myself more regularly - I'm planning to splash out on a Big Mac once a year to celebrate".

Dr Evan 'Twat' Harris MP

WARNING - CONTENTS CONTAIN RANTING, VITRIOL AND SWEARING

Twat. And scruffy too.

You know, I've always thought that my Member of Parliament was OK. Obviously he's a Limp Dumb, and thus a complete nonentity, but other than that he seemed pretty inoffensive really.

Until today.

Dear Reader, please allow me to introduce Dr Evan Harris MP, who seems to have suffered an unfortunate Prioritiesectomy.

Amidst all the issues weighing heavy upon the people of this great Nation, what is the priority of Dr Harris MP?

Evan Harris, a Liberal Democrat MP, said: “All parties in the House had agreed that discrimination against princesses and Catholic spouses is not justified, and that the language in the Act of Settlement is offensive.*

“All Gordon Brown has to do is to consult Commonwealth Heads of Government so that we can get rid of this discriminatory symbol at the heart of our constitution. It’s hard to believe that countries like Canada and Australia would demand that discrimination against Catholics and women continues.”

Listen, you ineffective, incompetent imbecile. I am a taxpayer who pays YOUR £64,000 salary, expenses pot and mink-lined pension plan. I pay you to act as a fucking MP, not a documentary fucking historian.

It's hardly surprising that a document drafted in 1700 doesn't meet your Grauniad-reading needs for political correctness. There are probably a million things you could be doing to earn your Parliamentary salary, rather than wringing your recycled sandals in ineffectual outrage over the discriminatory language in a 300-year-old historical document which, to be brutally honest, nobody in this country could give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut about. HM and Phil The Greek are pretty much there to stay anyway, and after that the succession's sorted for a good couple of generations. So unless Charles becomes a fucking Hindu or something, it's hardly an urgent priority for Parliamentary time, is it?

And I shouldn't think the 'Princesses and Catholics' really care about your right-on solicitude anyway, because even if they don't get the top job, Crown, Orb, Sceptre and all that, they still make a fucking good living off the Civil List, earning a great deal of money for not a great deal of work. Sort of like a Member of Parliament really, only less of a pointless parasite.

So, Mr Harris, get of your limp-wristed Limp-Dumb hobby-horse and try doing your fucking job. You're paid to represent your constituents - all of whom have bigger things to worry about than whether the next Consort's a left-footer - and to hold the Government to account. Given the current parlous state of the economy, a collapsing NHS, a rising death toll in Afghanistan and 2 million kids in failing schools, you've got plenty of choice actually to do something worthwhile.

Fucking hell, it's no wonder people have given up on politics.

Twat.

*emphasis mine.

Climate Policies 'Improve Health'

CLimate Change health benefits: "not a diversionary tactic at all".

Cutting emissions to mitigate climate change will also improve people's health and welfare, according to research released today.

The research, which is published in a series of articles in propaganda sheetmedical journal The Lancet, comes hot on the heels of reports that critical data about the speed and severity of climate change was 'sexed-up', and offers evidence of a number of health and well-being benefits to going green.

Chief researcher Vegan Van Sandalvera said, "to be honest, if we're not allowed to use the Mann Trick to screw with the data, we're pretty much grasping at straws to keep our funding. However, by using rigorous scientific methods and careful data extrapolation, we have been able scientifically to identify major benefits to reducing carbon emissions.

"For example, a reduction of just 5% in your personal carbon footprint will result in an average increase in penis size of 1.5" for men, and a corresponding half-cup increase in bra sizes for women while simultaneously dropping a dress size. That's scientifically-proven, that is".

Mr Van Sandalvera also added, "other scientifically-proven facts are that a 15% reduction in global emissions would completely eradicate all illnesses, especially the swine-flu virus. It would also make erectile disfunction a thing of the past, and we're confident that it would also rid the world of Jedward and Katie Price, though we're still working on the maths for that".

A spokesman for pressure group Cut Carbon Now (Or We'll Set Fire To Your Dog), who sponsored the research, denied allegations that the research was released to divert attention from the embarrassing CRU emails scandal, and this was also vigorously denied by Mr Van Sandelvera who said, "it is not a diversionary tactic. This is proper science and everything. Could we have some more funding now please?"

Government Announce Domestic Violence Classes

The Government have announced that from 2011, all children from the age of five will receive domestic-violence classes in school.

The courses were announced by Labour Deputy Leader Harridan Harperson, and are aimed to teach girls from an early age that all men are violent, evil beasts who will batter them remorselessly for the slightest perceived infraction.

Speaking from her temporary offices in the Remand suite of Holloway Prison, Mzz Harperson said, "this is a vital plank in the Labour education policy, and will assist greatly in our long-term goal of completely destroying family life.

"Additionally, we hope that by inculcating girls with an abject terror of all males, we also hope to achieve our 2005 Manifesto target of increasing the number of lesbian single mothers sitting on Quangos by 40% before 2020".

Though the full syllabus to the course, titled, 'All Men Are Horrid and will Bash You, Even Daddy Because He's A Man And He Hates You Because He Really Wanted A Son' have not yet been released, sources close to the Ministry of Emasculation have confirmed the content of a number of modules, including:

• Teaching girls from the age of five to ring the Government Paedophile Helpline if Daddy makes them go to bed early;
• Anger Management training for all boys from the age of five, including lessons explaining to them why they are a chromosomal deviance and therefore less worthy of life than females;
• Self-Defence Training for girls from the age of eleven, teaching them the best way for their lawyer to claim a history of domestic abuse if they decide to kill their boyfriend;
• Group Therapy sessions for all children, in which boys will be required to be castigated by their female classmates for the sins of the world.

The announcement has not been met with universal approval however. Legendary Scottish actor Sean Connery denounced the move as 'demeaning to men', adding, "that Harperson bird needs a good slap".

The lessons are expected to replace the more common curriculum subjects of reading and writing, recently condemned by OfSted as 'outdated and unnecessary'.

CERN - LHC Update 24/11/2009

Dear World

As you may be aware, we recently restarted the Large Hadron Collider following the magnet incident last year. Our highly-trained scientists today started accelerating protons again and we are pleased to announce that we have started making collisions.

However, we regret to report that there's been a slight mishap.

Unfortunately, it appears that a leftover crumb from the recent Bird/Baguette/LHC Interface Issue remained in stasis within the LHC chamber, and was subsequently struck simultaneously by protons travelling at 0.9998c in either direction. This had unexpected results, both positive and negative.

On the positive side, we are delighted to announce that we have isolated the Higgs-Boson Particle. It's real. And it seems surprisingly yeasty.

However, on the slightly negative side, we may inadvertently have opened up a wormhole into an alternate dimension, but as we've still got the internet we're sure it's fine. Reasonably sure. Well, nobody's died yet. Not here at CERN, anyway. Er . . .

On the subject of death, it may not be best to go outdoors just yet, as we're not sure if either of the three stars above us are actually our Sun. We've asked Stephen Hawking to help us work out the stellar maths, but unfortunately he suffered a floating-point failure and we've had to reboot him, so we'll get back to you on that one.

We're reasonably certain the atmosphere around us remains the same, though in all honesty it's being burned through pretty quickly. Top up on the sunblock, folks. But still, it's nice to go somewhere different for a holiday, isn't it?

We have our best technicians working on things right now, and we're confident that if the magnets don't blow up again, we should have Earth back in its correct position within the right Galaxy before we're all reduced to dust by stellar radiation.

Er . . . has anyone got a baguette we could borrow?

Yours In Science

CERN

If You Want To Know The Time . . .

A Community Police Officer prepares to make an arrest for Littering.

. . . Don't, for the love of all that's holy, ask a Policeman. You'll only get nicked.

News reaches Vitriol Towers that your friendly neighbourhood StasiPlod have a habit of detaining innocent people, on trumped-up charges, just to get your DNA on their database. It seems Life imitates Art. Sorry.

Lovely. So you're walking down the street, minding your own business, when a burly stormtrooper in a stab vest grabs you and sticks a swab up your first available orifice, all in the name of 'Building Safer Communities'/'Tough on Crime in YOUR Community'/'Working For Safer Communities'/'Insert Pointless Marketing-esque Strapline Here'.

It's hardly Dixon of Dock Green, is it?

The oft-wailed cry of those caught speeding or committing some other egregious offence against 'the community' is, "why don't you go and catch real criminals?". And while I'm not normally one for cliche, that phrase sounds particularly apposite in this case.

This action by the police is not about lowering crime at all, not about catching criminals. It's about laziness.

To catch, say, a serial burglar requires expensive Scenes of Crime examinations, costly detectives and, perhaps, even (whisper it softly) overtime. None of these are acceptable, because they take the focus of the police away from the important goals of filling their 'Report on the Incidence of Reporting of Reported Crime (in YOUR Community)' forms in triplicate. Add in the fact that their all-black uniforms and Toys'R'Us Batman Utility Belts weigh so much they can't go running after felons as it's a Health & Safety risk, and you see the truth.

Collaring anyone within 500 yards of a parking-ticket and sticking a cotton-bud up their bottom means the Stasi don't have to go running after fleet-footed drug dealers, or enduring the rigmarole of following up clues to a real crime. Their arrest statistics look great, the DNA Database bulges with millions of 'suspects' - and we're so disillusioned with the whole thing that when we're stabbed in the face for our mobile phones we don't even bother ringing up for a 'crime number'*. So the 'reported crime' statistics look good too.

And if it turns out, one day in the future, that somebody on the database is wanted for a serious crime - non-payment of Council Tax or something - well, that proves why we must have a Database of Everyone. For the good of the Community, innit.

Oi, Z-Cars. Stop being the paramilitary wing of the Office of National Statistics, and go and catch some real criminals.

*which is another rant.

Glasto Website Crashes After U2 Announce Gig

St. Bono: "I need two loaves. And if anyone's got five fishes, that would be grand."

The online ticket-booking service for the Glastonbury Festival has reportedly crashed today, after thousands of festival-goers attempted to login simultaneously.

The news follows the announcement that sanctimonious pain-in-the-arse Saint Bono of U2 is to preach to the Festival for the first time in its 40-year history, and follows the Saint's recent miracle when he fed 10 million people through YouTube.

However, the news that attendees would be subjected to Saint Bono's hypocritical ramblings about how unfair the world is for everyone except him was not met with universal acclaim, and the ticket-booking system was flooded with an unprecedented number of cancellation requests.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that some 48% of sold tickets have already been returned, with phone lines and the website still clogged with stoners desperately trying to avoid what has already been dubbed 'The Sermon on the Farm'.

One festival-goer said, "it's the Glastonbury Festival, innit. I go to get soaking wet, covered in mud, maybe get a blowjob from an E'd-up hippy chick, and to get mashed out of my gourd. I don't want some 'holier-than thou' fuckwit railing at me about the iniquities of world debt, it would put me right off my ketamine".

Bono was unavailable for comment, as he was busy polishing his halo.

NI Bomb Attack: New Splinter Group Sought

CSR(WSHH)RAI: Splitters

Police are hunting for two men, believed to be members of a hitherto unknown terror group, after a failed car-bomb attack in Northern Ireland over the weekend.

The 400lb device was driven to the offices of the Northern Ireland Policing Board, but the attack failed when the car appeared to catch fire. The explosive did not detonate, and nobody was hurt in the attempt.

Responsibility for the attempted terror attack was claimed by the Continuity Splinter Real (We're Still Here, Honest) Republican Army Of Ireland (CSR(WSHH)RAI), a hitherto-unknown dissident republican group opposed to anything that stops them blowing shit up.

The Group Spokesman, Mr P O'Neill, said, "The Continuity Splinter Real (We're Still Here, Honest) Republican Army Of Ireland will continue the struggle until the people of the Six Counties realise that it is better to be singing about Bobby Sands, chucking bricks at the police and blowing shit up than having money, jobs and a good craic in a safe central Belfast. We are committed to the Cause of blowing shit up in the glorious name of blowing shit up".

Intelligence sources believe the CSR(WSHH)RAI to be the largest of the remaining groups opposed to peace in the Province, perhaps numbering as many as four people and a dog.

Irish Assembly Member and former IRA leader Martin McGuiness condemned the attack, describing the CSR(WSHH)RAI as 'Splitters'.

Mandelson Album Rocks to Top of Chart

Lord Mandelson channels Midge Ure circa 1981

Business Secretary Lord Mandelson's debut album has reached No. 1 in the UK charts today - despite its not being released yet.

The album, 'Foy Boy', is due for release in early December, however record bosses agreed to the unprecedented move of making the album No. 1 after Mandelson promised to ensure that every penny of disposable income Britons had would be passed directly to record companies.

Lord Mandelson's new Digital Rights Bill, ensures that Geffen records - who signed the Business Secretary to a 6-album deal in Corfu this August - will receive £50,000 per British household whenever they are suspected of possibly listening to any music. This will be enforced by the creation of new offences, as required, which permit music fans to be charged and fined whenever the record companies fancy buying a new helicopter.

Record company exec Sleb Starfucker said, "Lord Mandelson has been a real star discovery for the music business. He's going to be an absolute goldmine, because we can get him to screw anyone in the UK with an internet connection for as much as we want, whenever we want. He's got a lovely singing voice, too".

'Foy Boy', which is released on 5 December in time for Christmas, has been described by critics as combining the very best of Jedward with the very worst of Stalin', and includes the tracks 'Mandy's Man', 'Slave to the Oligarch' and the hit single 'You've Got An Internet Connection, You Must Be Guilty of Something So Give Us All Your Money, You Bastard'.

Mobile Phone Driving Law Repealed

"I'm Harridan Harperson, you know where to reach me"

The British Government has today announced a moratorium on prosecutions under the 2003 law which makes it illegal to use a mobile phone while driving.

The announcement was made by Deputy Leader Harridan Harperson, who added that the repeal of the law would act retrospectively in 'special cases'.

Speaking to a meeting of senior Police Officers, Mzz Harperson said, "our research shows that this law is unworkable and impractical, and therefore should be repealed forthwith. My colleague the Justice Secretary is right now issuing instructions to the Crown Prosecution Service, Police Authorities and the Courts Service to place an immediate moratorium upon ongoing prosecutions pending a review on a case-by-case basis".

Mzz Harperson said that she personally would be reviewing the cases of those to be prosecuted for the offence, and she added, "obviously there need to be special cases which aren't followed through, for example, if the call was being made by someone really really really important. Like me".

A spokesman for the Justice Ministry said that the Parliament Act would be used, if necessary, to save Harperson's arse effect the repeal.

RumpyPumpy is New Eurasian President

Not picked for their looks - EU President and Foreign Minister

The Eurasian Commission have announced the appointment of Herman Van Rumpypumpy of Belgium as President-for-Life, with Britain's Baroness Ashton taking the role of High Commissioner for Foreign Affairs.

The appointments of the new leaders were announced following a lengthy Election campaign several days of vociferous inter-Government discussion drawing straws over dinner in Brussels. The Diary understands that Van Rumpypumpy was appointed under a combination of two EU Directives - the Beeblebrox Principle* and EU 4/2003 "Anyone but that grinning Rosbif War Criminal' Directive. The appointment makes Van Rumpypumpy the second most famous Belgian in history, and the most famous non-fictional Belgian.

Baroness Ashton was reported to have won her post on merit following her highly-commended work as Trade Commissioner, where she negotiated the . . . the . . .well, they were already paying her resettlement allowances so why not.

The news was met with spontaneous outbreaks of complete disinterest across Europe. One Estonian voter we spoke to said, "Rumpypumpy and Ashton? Are they a new Eurovision Song Contest act? We like Eurovision".

A survey conducted by The Diary indicates that just over 70% of EU voters are more interested in whether Taoiseach Cowen is going to punch President Sarkozy at their next meeeting.

Pointless X-Factor twats Jedward were unavailable for comment as they were being interviewed by Sky.


*(a role that involves no power whatsoever, and merely requires the incumbent to attract attention so no one wonders who's really in charge).

Fears Grow of European War

With tensions between the two nations spiralling out of control, the Government of Ireland have expelled all French diplomats from their embassy in Dublin in an act believed to be preparatory to a declaration of war.

Spontaneous demonstrations have flared across the Republic of Ireland, with people taking to the streets, burning French flags, tearing up croissants and pouring French wine down the drain. There are unconfirmed reports that three Peugeot dealerships in central Dublin have been set alight in the ongoing riots, and one French exchange student at the University of Dublin has reportedly been drowned in a vat of Guiness.

Speaking at an emotional news conference the Taoiseach, Brian Cowen, demanded that France hand over Thierry Henry, who the Irish Government insist must face trial and possible execution for his handball in a football match last night.

Mr Cowen said, "this is an absolute outrage and must not go unchallenged. We have requested an immediate meeting of the UN Security Council who we insist take action. If we do not get a replay of the match and the opportunity to send Henry to the gallows, we will have no option but to initiate air-strikes against the Elysee Palace and the headquarters of FIFA".

President Sarkozy of France has rejected the Irish Government's demands however. A spokesman for the Elysee Palace said, "so we're in South Africa and they're not. Oh well, bring it on".

Sky News, BBC News 24 and all other channels are covering events as they develop. Fucking endlessly. Pointless Irish twats Jedward were, however, unavailable for comment.

Against The Odds - A Rebuttal in Song

So there's been plenty of coverage of Labour's latest Party Political Broadcast, which was the misbegotten child of a grass-roots campaign among Labour activists. On Twitter it was pushed by the eager, if misguided, Ellie Gellard and many others, and was supported by Eddie Izzard and John Prescott.

I'll leave the factual inaccuracies of the broadcast - of which there are many - to others with a greater grasp of political history than me, and instead am happy to offer my normal form of rebuttal.

Against The Odds

What's this crap you call a PPB,
Of truth and facts there are no trace,
You're just claiming all of History was you, oooh,
We will all rejoice, when we see New Labour fall,

Why must we all see you on TV,
When all we're asking for is you to leave
As your tax and spending policies, will leave us broke for years
We will all rejoice, when we see New Labour fall,

So listen carefully now,
Your Party's a waste of space,
We just want to get back to the Tories,
Free of Gordon's gurning face,
Just listen carefully now,
Your Party's a waste of space,
And you winning any seat is against the odds, and that's what you have to face.

I wish I could make you apologise,
For all the times that you have lied,
There's no voter left with trust in you,
It's time to say goodbye,
We will all rejoice, when we see New Labour fall,

So listen carefully now,
Your Party's a waste of space,
We just want to get back to the Tories,
Free of Gordon's gurning face,
Just listen carefully now,
Your party's a waste of space,
When we can get rid of you, then that's what we will do, and that's what you've got to face.

Just listen carefully now,
You've failed in your thirteen years,
And you winning any seat, is against all odds,
So just give us all a break. . . .

Just listen carefully now.

(With apologies to Phil Collins)

Nasty NICE

So today saw the news that the National Institute for Clinical Excellence had refused NHS use of the liver-cancer drug Sorafenib, on the grounds that the cost of the medication means treatment is not worthwhile.

And of course, the news media were all over this story of nasty NICE, finding several sufferers who'd been saved by the medication and decrying the decision as a death sentence to cancer victims.They say that this sort of decision, putting a Sterling value on human life, should not happen in our society. And, of course, they're right.

And naturally, in the interests of balance, the media then interview the man with probably the worst job in the whole world - the spokesman for nasty NICE. While being treated with the grace and courtesy normally reserved for mass murderers and Gary Glitter, the poor man stammers through a prepared set of answers to explain that they have to make these hard decisions, they can't approve everything that everyone would need because the NHS budget simply couldn't cope with it. And, of course, they're right.

The positions of both sides of the debate are equally correct and, sadly, equally valid. The National Health Service cannot afford to prescribe the latest and greatest of everything, and likewise those with ailments should not lose their chance at survival simply because of the NHS's need to cut costs.

So, as so often, I would like to offer a solution to the problem.

If there's no money to buy new drugs, then clearly we need to make more money available. And as Gollum and Eyebrows have bankrupted not just the NHS but the entire nation, no more cash can be found to increase budgets - so instead, let's look internally.

Healthcare is about one thing, and one thing only - treating the sick. So there need only be two divisions, therefore -those who are directly involved in the treating of the sick, and those who directly manage those who treat the sick. If you don't do either of those, you're gone.

If you're doing surveys about the satisfaction of Muslim single mothers with the provision of halal food on the Maternity ward - you're not needed, you're fired. Go and work for Ipsos Mori and do surveys for them. If you spend your days poring over graphs showing the demographic, racial and religious backgrounds of the Trust car-park attendants, your salary is a waste of budget and you're sacked. If you're a 'small-c' consultant designing a new tagline for the Fundamental Acute Primary Healthcare NHS Hospital Trust - you're superfluous. You're gone. People go to hospital to be treated, NOT because the local A&E has a slogan rivalling Coca-Cola's. Go and work for Saatchi.

If your job title includes any of the words Diversity, LGBT, Patient Rights, Social Justice or Liaison, then please do the decent thing for the NHS and bugger off. The job of the NHS is to treat the sick, not to provide make-work jobs for people who wear sandals and agonise over whether naming the cafeteria 'Friends of . . ' is somehow discriminatory to the lonely.

Sorafenib apparently costs £2,200 per month. Get rid of the deadwood, and you'll improve the quality of life for all those people and many more besides. I commend the idea to the House.

Darling in Protective Custody Following Threats

"You there! Third row, bad tie. Could you lend me a fiver till next payday?"

Chancellor Alistair Darling is reportedly in hiding at a secret location today, following revelations that threats of violence had been made against him.

A spokesman for the Treasury confirmed that Mr Darling was receiving Police protection, after the receipt of a series of letters and visits that constituted a 'clear and present threat to the Chancellor's life'.

Metropolitan Police sources said that the threats were believed to have been made by two men, South London loansharks Charlie 'Bankroll' Edgar and John Michael 'Chainsaw' Flynn. The men are believed to have loaned Mr Darling £11 billion over the last month alone, and a total of £87 billion in the year to date, after no reputable lender would offer the Government any more cash.

The Treasury spokesman said, "Alistair's terrified. He's been paying them off at a tenner a week, but what with the MoD bonus payments and slipping Ed Balls some cash to stay quiet, he was a bit short for the last two payments. He started getting visits late at night, and the final straw came when Mr Flynn threatened to shave the Chancellor's eyebrows off - that was it, he went to the Police and they've got him in protective custody."

He added, "we'll have the money. It's just a cash-flow problem, we only need a couple more weeks. Honest."

Mr Flynn refused to comment on the allegations, but confirmed that both he and Mr Edgar were planning action against Mr Darling in the Small Claims Court for an expected total of £175bn plus £50 in costs.

BREAKING: Palace of Westminster To Be Closed

MP's - reconstituting Parliament in a new location

In a cross-party statement, it has been announced today that the Houses of Parliament, for centuries the seat of British democracy and governance, is to be closed with immediate effect. It brings to an end a history for the Palace of Westminster as the base for Government, an accolade it has held since the time of Edward the Confessor.

The shock move was announced by Deputy Minister for Everything, Lord Mandelson, in an emotional Press conference at 0800 today.

Lord Mandelson said, "It is right that Parliament move with the times and with events, and it is right that we modernise as required. The anachronism of the Palace of Westminster no longer tallies with the impression of MPs within the British public. Therefore, we must regretfully close the Palace of Westminster and move the seat of Government to a location more fitting to the status and position of British Parliamentarians".

Mr Mandelson's announcement follows news that six Parliamentarians are facing prosecution for fraud following an investigation by Scotland Yard into MP's expenses.

A spokesman for the Speaker's office confirmed that as a result of the expected prosecutions, the functions of both the Commons and the Lords were to be consolidated into a new Parliament in C Wing of Wormwood Scrubs.

Queen's Speech Promises 'Guaranteed Rights'

"How much more of this dishonest drivel must one spout?"

In the last Queen's Speech of the current Labour Government before the General Election, Labour have offered the British public a series of new guarantees. aimed at improving public services.

In a speech redolent with the solemnity of the occasion and the somnolence of the drafter, Her Majesty said that the Government would introduce a series of guaranteed rights, ensuring that the electorate were fully aware of what these rights were.

Speaking after the Speech, Eminence GriseDeputy Prime Minister Lord Fondlebum said, "it is right as a socially-conscious Party delivering fair democratic choice to the British people that we offer socially-conscious democratic guarantees of democratic rights and social choice in the interests of fairness. Democratically and socially . . er. . unlike the nasty Tories, who are all Bullingdon toffs even though they've got a smaller net worth than I have.

"Therefore, with the implementation of the bills in today's Queen's Speech, we are giving the British Public the guaranteed right to a good education for their children, the guaranteed right to see a specialist within two weeks of diagnosis, the guaranteed right to community-based care if you are elderly, and the guaranteed right not to be flooded out of their homes when it rains. All these are guarantees, which is important. And democratic and socially conscious and all that."

Lord Fondlebum added, "however, it is important that the British people also understand that in the cause of socially-conscious democracy, they won't actually GET anything different than the usual tax-and spend rubbish they've had for the last ten years. They'll still be dead long before they get any treatment for their ailments, we'll still nick their house when they get old and their children will still grow up illiterate, brainwashed and with a poor Third from a university staffed with Guardian readers. But the important thing is they'll get the guaranteed right to all these things, which sounds good in the run-up to an Election, doesn't it? Much better than the nasty Tories".

Reading Labour's List

In a break from Tradition, this year saw Her Majesty the Queen deliver the speech at the State Opening of Parliament not in words, but instead in song:

As each year for the Government a speech one must propound,

One's reading Labour's list - one's reading Labour's list

One pretends to be a mouthpiece for a Leadership unsound,

And they never will be missed - they never will be missed,

One regrets that for Tradition's sake one can't just sit and laugh,
At the bare-faced cheek of Labour with their promises so daft,
Their MP's claiming second homes and cash for this and that,
And equating one to vermin, like one was not Royal but Rat,
One wishes one could just dissolve the House so they'd desist

But instead one sits upon one's throne and reads out Labour's list.

CHORUS.
She's reading Labour's list--She's reading Labour's list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be missed.


Their bald electioneering makes one's presence a disgrace,

One's reading Labour's list - one's reading Labour's list,

They've used one as a starting-gun for their Election Race,

And they never will be missed - they never will be missed,

And one's PM simply waffles in his dull and dismal tone,
I'm sure if I beheaded him then nobody would moan,
They pledge cash to the places on whose votes they can't rely,
Though one's benighted Government has milked its coffers dry,
But the powers of Tradition leave one helpless to resist,

So one's reading Labour's List - one's reading Labour's list!

CHORUS.
She's reading Labour's list--She's reading Labour's list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be missed.


I have watched New Labour decimate the quality of life

One's reading Labour's list - one's reading Labour's list,

And my Subjects all condemned to lives of penury and strife,

And they never will be missed - they never will be missed,

The one small consolation that I have to bear in mind,
Is with so little time left all these Bills will not be signed,
I wish like Monarchs past I could just execute a few,
Who so abused their power in their ruling over you.
But it doesn't really matter what I read out from this list

'Cause an election's coming and they'll none of them be missed.

CHORUS.
She's reading Labour's list--She's reading Labour's list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be missed.


(With apologies to HM, as well as G&S).

Grade Gordon

Brown G (Cnut H.) Sports Day 2009

Thanks to the eagle eyes of Peter Hoskin at the Spectator, we have this wonderful opportunity to Grade Gordon. It would be remiss (bordering on criminal) to waste this chance . . .

Westminster School For Difficult Boys

Report: Brown, G (Cnut House)

ENGLISH: F

Brown tries hard, but unfortunately his abilities are not up to the standard expected.

He shows great creativity in his ideas, however he lacks the capacity clearly to explain them either on paper or in spoken form. While his handwriting itself can be excused following his injury on the Rugger field. his refusal to proofread his own essays - or to permit others to read them - is a handicap to his progression in literacy.

Brown's presidency of the School Debating Society has not been a success. His lack of presentation skills and inarticulacy means he is consistently defeated in debate by Cameron D (Victor H.) and even occasionally by Clegg (Nonentity H.).

MATHEMATICS: F

Despite hard work from teaching assistants and nine years of remedial classes, Brown still fails to show a grasp of basic numeracy. We recommend that he is assessed for possible Dyscalculia.

Brown's primary issues seem to stem from an inability to differentiate between positive and negative numbers, which frequently results in him reporting negative figures as positives. Additionally, Brown insists that his sums are correct even in the face of clear evidence from teaching staff.

This laissez-faire attitude to numerical truth led to several issues when he was running the School Tuck Shop. Selling the school's stock of Wispas at well below the RRP was the first sign of the problem, and his ongoing mismanagement has resulted in the School being the first ever Tuck Shop to require the services of an Official Receiver.

GEOGRAPHY: F

Gordon has tried hard in this subject, especially on the US Studies coursework segment, but the results have not matched his efforts. Part of this was due to his earlier associations with Blair Major (Cnut H.), which still taints his reputation today.

Sadly, he was unable to build a relationship with his American Pen Pal, Barry, which has stymied his development in this crucial portion of the Term.

His project work with Millipede Major (Banana H.) on Afghanistan has been exceptionally poor, is still incomplete way past the Term deadline and shows little progress despite wasting a huge amount of school resources.

HISTORY: F

Could do much better. Gordon seems to misunderstand the concept of history, preferring instead to believe that he and his housemates are personally responsible for all the events of the world.

Unfortunately, our attempts to disabuse him of this notion have been met with stiff resistance. He is aided in his delusion by Mandelson Minor (Slyme H.) who has now been Fagging for Brown for two years and who has become an increasing pernicious influence on Brown's already unstable world-view.

PE: Ungraded

Though it's against normal practice, we couldn't help adding a picture of Brown at the recent Sports Day to the report. Please see above.

CLASS BEHAVIOUR

Brown's behaviour is simply appalling, in spite of the best efforts of staff to restrain him. His temper has become a serious issue, and he has had to be reprimanded three times in the last fortnight alone for throwing objects when he doesn't get his own way. It is hard to understand why he was made Head Boy in view of his behaviour.

Brown shows pathological dishonesty, and is disinclined to accept responsibility for, or the consequences of, his own actions. He frequently attempts to blame others for his misbehaviour, with one such incident leading to the expulsion of McBride D (Cnut H.). Teachers in all departments have noted his absolute refusal to apologise, under any circumstances.

His interactions with both classmates and staff are poor, and he has little social contact outside his immediate circle. Teaching staff have endeavoured to explain the need for improvement in this area, however Brown believes his skills are significantly greater than they are. In this he is aided by his association with Mandelson Minor (Slyme House) - which is also a matter for concern given that pupil's prior suspensions for dishonesty.

Despite considerable instruction, Brown's appearance still does not meet the standard expected of a pupil of this school. We recommend remedial instruction in tie-knotting, and the school nurse is prescribing 'Stop'n'Grow' for his persistent habit of biting his nails. However, it is his insistence on excavating his nasal cavities, even during Assembly and other public functions, which shows his lack of common manners and decorum.

HEADMASTER'S COMMENTS

An extremely disappointing report. While Brown promised much when he was enrolled into the school, he has signally failed to live up to expectation.

It is therefore with sadness that we advise you that Brown is to be the subject of a Governor's Meeting to be held before June 2010, at which point we do fully expect Brown to be expelled from the School. Cameron D (Victor H.) is expected to be appointed Head Boy in his stead.

OVERALL GRADE

F