News in Brief - 5 February 2009

Country Braced for 'Big Dump'
The UK is braced for a 'Big Dump' overnight, as PM Gordon Brown has his annual bowel movement. Chaos is forecast, as the last time he had one, he shat on the economy.

Bank of England Cuts Interest
The Bank of England announced today that the Monetary Policy Committee was no longer interested in the UK. Governor Mervyn King said, "UK PLC is too far down the pan to save - we're investing in Zimbabwean Dollars".

BB Jade Vows to Keep Working
Jade Goody, winner of Big Brother and celebrity moron, has bravely vowed to keep working despite the sad news of her cancer having spread. Equally dumb Lads Channel Nuts TV has reported signed her for a gender-bending remake of Kojak.

Shock at Millibland's UK Travel Costs
There was shock and outrage after it was revealed that 4 visits to UK cities by David Millibland had cost over £6,000 each. A spokesman said the bulk of the costs were on special-effects artists to make Mr Millibland appear competent.

Jesus Would Understand Recession, Claims Blears
Pint-size Communities Lunatic Hazel Blears has claimed, in a speech to the Evangelical Alliance, that 'Jesus would understand the pressures of the Recession'. After Mandelson recently compared Gordon Brown to Moses, God distanced Himself from the remarks, saying that if they carried on claiming the religious vote, He'd get serious with the Smiting.