More Weather Warnings for the UK

Britain's weather continues to surprise and shock, with the Met Office tonight issuing further Severe Biblical Plague Warnings across the UK.

Hard on the heels of the recent unprecedented blizzards and today's heavy rain, which has itself caused an increased risk of flooding in many areas, the Met Office has announced the following climate 'hotspots':

• A Rain of Frogs sweeping into North Wales and moving eastward, finally dispersing over West Yorkshire later;
• A Rain of Fire and Hail over the Highlands of Scotland, turning to sleet over Glasgow as it loses hope;
• A Plague of Locusts over South-East England and Kent, freshening;
• Outbreaks of boils in East Anglia, which is OK as nobody will notice.
  

Rumours that the rivers Thames, Severn and Mersey are to turn into blood have been dismissed by weather experts as 'ludicrous', though a Plague of Flies may roll into from the North Sea over the next 48 hours.

Communities Lunatic Hazel Blears appealed for calm in the face of JHVH's wrath on the country, and sought to reassure everyone that there was no danger to their first-born. In a hastily-convened Press conference, Blears insisted, "The UK is perfectly safe. Remember, as Lord Mandelson told us, Gordon Brown is Moses himself so the British people are completely safe in His care".

Opus Dei weirdican Ruth Kelly was unavailable for religious comment, as she was playing with her cilice, but BBC Weather Girl Carol Kirkwood said, "We advise people not to travel, as getting a frog in the face at terminal velocity is not likely to make for a good day".