"Right", Said Fred

To the tune of the Bernard Cribbins classic.

"Right" said Fred, "I'm the bloody chairman
If RBS is fucked I'll have to go"
He went softly, gave up on his money
But he kept 'is pension
And so we had a media frenzy

"Right" said Fred, "Now I've quit the comp'ny
13 grand a week will have to do
Take it easy, no need to be thrifty
Coz I've got my pension"
And so we had a media frenzy

And Gordon had a think and he thought he ought to get the bank he'd rescued
To check they'd not been too screwed
But the Board all said they were happy to pay Fred

"All right," said Fred, "time to put my feet up
With my pension I've got loadsa dough."
Board had screwed up, media threw their arms up
Should have blocked his pension, but no!
So Fred said, "give me a massive monthly cheque."
The Board said, "right-o."

And Gordon had a think, and he said, "Look, Fred,
I'll give the job to Prescott
And we'll sue you for the whole lot
If you don't want flak you should pay your pension back."

"Right," said Fred, " Have to take you all down,
So I'll write and tell you where to go."
Prove the Gov'ment had approved the payment
So I'll keep my pension"
And so we had a media frenzy.

"Right," said Fred, pulling out a pencil
With one letter gave a mighty blow.
Board's in trouble, Myners prob'ly double, more of Labour's misdeeds come home,
But Fred's scot-free 'cept for on the BBC
And so we went home.

Masters of Spin

(with apologies to Bob Dylan, but I think he'll understand)

Now you masters of spin
You have stolen and robbed
You created Recession
Lost us money and jobs
You who saddled us all
With a mountain of debt
I just want you to know
I can see through your mask

You never did nothing
But cheat and destroy
You play with my rights
Like they're your little toy
You invaded Iraq
And good servicemen died
Yet invoked FOI
When the people asked WHY.

Like Judas of old
You lie and deceive
UK debt is low
You want me to believe
But I see through your lies
And I see through your brain
Like I see through the water
That runs down my drain

You write legislation
That makes us less free
Then you sit back and watch
Us on CCTV
You've acted like Stalin
You think that it's good
That you stole Rights for which
Our forefathers shed blood

You've taken our money
And promised us more
But your targets and Quango's
Have delivered fuck all
All the taxes you've taken
And the money you've spent
Yet our country's been wrecked
By its own Government

Let me ask you one question
Is your Power that good
Will you get re-elected?
Did you work for OUR good?
I think you will find
When we go to the Polls
You'll be thrown out of office
And into the cold

And I hope that we vote
And that vote will come soon
I will follow the polling
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while as New Labour
Goes to its deathbed
And I'll piss on its grave
And be glad that it's dead

A Letter to Jack Straw

Dear Mister Justice Secretary

Thank you for an eloquent and detailed piece in today's Grauniad. It's just a shame that it is misleading, inaccurate, and, quite frankly, outright wrong.

Your Regime, sir - I refuse to dignify it with the status of 'Government', for that implies a legitimacy you do not deserve - has coldly, systematically, and cynically ripped long-held rights from the people of a Nation who have, on several occasions, stood to the world as a bulwark of freedom.

There is no need to detail all the encroachments on our rights, as others will already have done so. But let us just remind ourselves of the broad strokes:

• ID Cards;
• Ever-increasing DNA and Biometric databases;
• Detailed and centralised database structures;
• 'Communications endpoint monitoring', to use your charming little phrase;
• 42-days detention;
• Removal of the right to legitimate protest in the vicinity of Parliament;
• One CCTV Camera per 15 Citizens, plus police ANPR systems and police drone aircraft;
• The arrest of a member of Her Majesty's Opposition, simply for holding the Regime to account;
• 'Stop and search' rules that have seen hundreds of thousands stopped, for no result;
• 'Anti-Terror' legislation used to freeze Icelandic funds, to monitor bin collections and covertly monitor school applicants;
• Section 76 of the CounterTerrorism Act, making it illegal to photograph a police officer;
• Every email sent and received in this country to be retained.

That's just a short precis of the number of new measures implemented by the Regime. Laventiy Beria must be smiling at the brilliance of his pupils.

You claim, Sir, to be "seeking better protection for citizens from terrorism and crime". The British people, Mister Justice Secretary, need no such protection. We have experienced crime and terror before, with a greater number of incidents, yet we had no ID cards then - and the Internment laws made things worse. Yet you believe that ID Cards and 42-Day Detention are relevant now, despite the repeated statements from experts that neither will help. I am, of course, removing the politicised Police from my definition of 'expert'.

You say, 'even were it true there is a mechanism to prevent it - democratic elections.' Yet the sad fact is, many people no longer believe we will GET an election. I personally believe that your Regime has finessed so much power for itself that it will not relinquish its grip without a fight. I believe we will see the imposition of the Civil Contingencies Act 2004 to delay, and subsequently remove, our right to vote.

The Labour Party repeatedly trumpets the phrase 'democracy'. I am, as ever, struck that those who claim the word the most, are those least likely to have it. The Peoples Democratic Republic of North Korea. The Democratic Republic of Congo. The German Democratic Republic.

You and the rest of your Regime have enriched yourselves on the back of our taxes, and removed our rights to protest, to travel freely, to communicate without suspicion - even our right to walk down the street without a demand from the Fingermen for our papers.

In eleven short years, you have managed to do something no outside force has achieved - kill British Freedom, which had survived since 1215.

Hang your heads in shame. Resign. Leave before the British people do what is desperately needed, and remove you from your stranglehold on power.

I have the unfortunate privilege to remain, Sir

Your Disobedient Taxpayer

Spinners, Cheats and Thieves

(with apologies to Cher)

You were born in '97 with a lot of hot air,
Populised by the grinning of Blair,
You came into power like you knew you would,
Promising us changes,
But the changes were only for your own good

CHORUS
Spinners, cheats and thieves
You hear it from the whole electorate
they call you
Spinners, cheats and thieves
And the next time the election comes around
You lot are going down.

Now we've Brown as the leader and the country is wrecked
You screwed the economy and lost our respect
We don't even know where our money's gone
You've bankrupted our nation
You all should be hanged for the damage you've done

CHORUS
Spinners, cheats and thieves
You hear it from the whole electorate
they call you
Spinners, cheats and thieves
And the next time the election comes around
You lot are going down.

So the Tories come along with a lot of hot air,
Populised by David Cameron's hair,
They'll get into power like we know they should,
Promising us changes,
And we'll hope they won't just be for their own good.

CHORUS
Spinners, cheats and thieves
You hear it from the whole electorate
they call you
Spinners, cheats and thieves
And the next time the election comes around
You lot are going down.

Lord Ahmed Wins Court Case

Firebrand Labour peer Lord Ahmed has won his court case for compensation, we can exclusively reveal.

Lord Ahmed was sending text messages while driving his Jaguar when he struck a stationary vehicle on the M1 on Christmas Day. The driver of the other vehicle, Martyn Gombar, 28, was killed in the collision.

Lord Ahmed successfully sued the estate of Mr Gombar, claiming that the deceased was reckless in obstructing the passage of a member of the Labour Elite, for the facial injuries he suffered in colliding with a Prole, and for repairs to the damage caused to his Jaguar. Lord Ahmed had also claimed that if his case was not won, he would mobilise an army of 10,000 Muslims to march on the High Court in protest.

Lord Ahmed was convicted of Dangerous Driving and banned for 12 months. He was also sentenced to 12 weeks imprisonment, of which he is to serve six. However, the sentence will be deferred until such time as a 5-star luxury prison can be built, suitable for members of the nomenklatura.

In a separate development, a Tory councillor has been sentenced to 15 years in Belmarsh Prison for riding his bike without lights.

Ivan Cameron

My deepest sympathies to David and Samantha Cameron for the tragic loss of their son Ivan.

No Release of Iraq Invasion Minutes

Jack Straw, just after 'losing his homework'.

Minutes of cabinet meetings in which ministers discussed their motivation for going to war with Iraq will not be made public, Justice Secretary Jack Straw has ruled.

The announcement comes despite the decision of the Information Tribunal to force the Government to release the minutes, which it had deemed were a matter of national interest.

However, Mr Straw said he could not permit the release of the records from 2003 discussions over the invasion of Iraq because they had been 'eaten by David Blunkett's guide dog'.

Mr Straw said, "It's true, honest, I'm really sorry. I was going to bring them to this Press Conference, but I left them on the table at David's house and his dog ate them. Honest. You can ask him if you don't believe me".

Suppressing a grin, the Justice Minister added that he was having a new copy of the minutes drawn up based on his recollections of the meetings, which he was certain would vindicate the Government's decision to violate international law in invading Iraq. Mr Straw said that he hoped to have these new minutes published just after everyone involved in the cabinet meetings had died of old age.

Critics of the Government have attacked the announcement, pointing out that this is not the first time access to information has been denied. The Hutton Enquiry into the death of WMD expert David Kelly was suspended after Geoff Hoon's grandmother died 12 times, on each occasion the day before he was due to give evidence, and the police investigation into the 'Cash For Honours' scandal was stalled when former Prime Minister Tony Blair provided an excuse note from his mother.

Research Proves Cancer Studies Cause Cancer

A study to be published in medical journal The Lanced today has warned that studies into the incidence of cancer increase the risk of cancer.

The study, carried out by scientists at Oxford University, has identified that research into the causes of cancer is itself carcinogenic. The research comes hard on the heels of evidence that even a single glass of wine a day can cause cancer, and follows studies which have now proved that cancer can be caused by obesity, smoking, second-hand smoke, third-hand smoke, marijuana, fake tan, cellphone towers, salt, artificial sweetener, reality TV shows, HRT, processed food and the internet.

Professor Ima Boff, from Oxford University, studied the incidence and rate of increase in cancer sufferers and correlated these results with the incidence and rate of increase in studies about the causes of tumours. He said, "I was surprised to find that whenever a particular piece of research is carried out, it shows an increase in the number of diagnosed tumours relating to that research.

"This proves, conclusively, that the prevalence of studies into cancer is a dangerous development, as the studies are, in and of themselves, carcinogenic".

Secretary of State for Health Alan Johnson praised Professor Boff's report for its thoroughness, adding, "we will look at this worrying development in detail. The Cabinet is to consider legislation that will require all studies into the causes of cancer to carry a Health Warning similar to that found on cigarette packets, and we will also consider how the information within those reports is disseminated to minimise the carcinogenic risk to the general public".

The results of a detailed, Government-backed investigation in to whether life itself is carcinogenic and should therefore be banned are expected within the next month.

Ofsted: Schools Should Go Back to Basics

Schools should adopt 'back-to-basics' disciplinary methods in order to curb bad behaviour and improve educational standards, according to a report published today education watchdog Ofsted.

The report praised the work of some state schools in deprived areas, which had instituted much more rigorous discipline and, as a result, had seen a marked increase in standards.

Ofsted described how one head teacher had reintroduced flogging for talking in class, and had seen a 98% reduction in disciplinary reports after 300 pupils were given the cat-o-nine-tails in a single week.

In Rotherham, one failing inner-city school has been revived after head teacher Don Targue adopted US tactics - specifically the tactics used in Guantanamo Bay. Mr Targue said, "we have seen enormous increases in attendance since we set up the armed guard towers, and disciplinary problems are down to zero since we executed two pupils for bullying. The introduction of waterboarding for late homework has also been an absolute Godsend".

However, the Government rejected the Ofsted report as 'unworkable', with Education Secretary Ed 'Blinky' Balls saying, "we can't have children subjected to such unreasonable treatment. I'm fine with a bit of thrashing and occasional torture, but the risk is that they might get educated as a result. Well-taught, well-balanced kids will play merry hell with our plans to get them all through University despite functional illiteracy, and destroy our plans for a country of benefit claimants".

Time and Halfords

A Halfords 'sales assistant' in repose

Dear Halfords

Time is a precious commodity. No matter who we are, no matter what our role, be it executive, engineer or stereo-fitter, there is never enough time. It's vital that what few, fleeting hours we have on this Earth are filled and gainfully used, not frittered away on wasteful and pointless acts.

So thank YOU, Halfords, for wasting over three of MY valuable hours, not to mention an hour of The Darling G's time just for good measure.

I first came in last Saturday. Having spent a not-inconsiderable amount of time being bounced from pointless droid to pointless droid, I found myself in conversation with one of your risibly-titled 'Sales Assistants', where I stated my requirements - a Parrot MKi9200 handsfree system. "No problem", says the salesdroid. "Do I need any additional parts?", I ask. "No", replies the droid, "not for a Saab 9-5". "When can you fit it?", I eagerly respond. "We can't do it today, as our fitter isn't in - but bring it back on Sunday. No need to book", says she.

So. Roll on to this Sunday, and I zoom over to your good selves, arriving just as you open.

"Oh no", says a different droid. "You haven't booked. We can't just do it". *Sigh*. One lengthy discussion involving the droid, the fitter and various poorly-veiled threats of retribution later, a deal is struck, a time of 3pm that day agreed and my bank account lightened to the tune of £200. "That covers all the costs", says the droid. "We don't need any special kit for the Saab 9-5".

Back home, do the things I need to do keeping half an eye on the clock, and I pitch back up at Halfords at 2:55pm as agreed.

"Oh no", says the fitter - the very same fitter who had been involved in the original booking. "You need additional parts - a [insert name of mounting bracket], we can't fit it". *Boggle*.

Three trips. Multiple questions. Over three hours of waiting and discussing with the Epsilon Semi-Morons you choose to employ instead of sentient beings. And you can't get something as basic as 'what extra kit is needed to fit system X' correct. It's a miracle of modern satnav technology that you manage to get to the store every day.

So thank you, Halfords. That's several hours of my life (and over 100 miles of fuel) wasted interacting with idiots. I spent the journey home deep in consideration of all the ways I could enact my vengeance - but in the end there was only one option. I should set you on fire.

I would, but sadly I don't have the time.

Yours Bluetoothlessly

Dungeekin

'Candle in the Wind' - Redux

So apparently, Justice Populist Jack Straw has altered the bail conditions of a man convicted of assault, so that he can spend his wedding night with his new bride. Yeah, I can just see that happening for anyone else.

I've also heard a rumour that Saint Jade's wedding night may be being spent at one of Sir Elton John's properties. Well, given his form, I've decided to save him the trouble of doing what he did for Diana, and have rewritten 'Candle in the Wind' in honour of Ms Goody. Enjoy.

'Goodbye People's Chav'

Goodbye 'People's Chav'
Though I never watched BB at all
You had no grace or talent
And between your ears fuck all
You crawled out of the woodwork
And into the pages of 'OK'
You signed up with Max Clifford
And made the papers every day

And it seems to me, you lived your life
As a minor media whore
Choosing who to sell the rights to
For each tabloid score
And though I wouldn't wish this on you
And I feel for your kids
This constant media coverage
Is getting on my tits

In press and on the news
Though millions suffer every day
In just the way you're suffering
Yet the story's all just you.
A shallow media life
Lived beneath a spotlight only gained
By racism and rudeness
And a total lack of brains

And it seems to me, you lived your life
As a minor media whore
Choosing who to sell the rights to
For each tabloid score
And though I wouldn't wish this on you
And I feel for your kids
This constant media coverage
Is getting on my tits

So Goodbye 'People's Chav'
Though I never watched BB at all
You had no grace or talent
And between your ears fuck all
Goodbye 'People's Chav'
From a man sick of the stories in the Sun
Who sees that you're nothing special
And there'll be others when you're gone

And it seems to me, you lived your life
As a minor media whore
Choosing who to sell the rights to
For each tabloid score
And though I wouldn't wish this on you
And I feel for your kids
This constant media coverage
Is getting on my tits

Primary Education 'Deficient'

Children in England are getting a 'deficient' primary education, according to a report released today by the Cambridge Primary Review.

According to the report, primary schoolchildren are having far too much of their time and attention focused on 'unimportant' matters such as reading, writing and mathematics, and that as a result too many children are leaving primary school with excessive literacy and numeracy skills.

Professor Sandy Wetwipe, of the Cambridge Primary Review, said, "our argument is that children's educations, and subsequently their lives, are impoverished by receiving an education that is so fundamentally deficient".

Professor Wetwipe has recommended a radical reshape of the primary education system, including:

• Reduction of writing tutoring to 1 hour per week;
• Reading list to be reduced to 'Heat Magazine' and 'MySpace';
  
• Introduction of 'citizenship training', including education on the best way to handle the PR demands of a pre-teen pregnancy;
• Instruction on the benefits system, and mathematics tutoring to focus on calculating entitlement;
• Diversity training, including the best way to wear and detonate a suicide belt;
• History lessons covering the innovations and marvels of New Labour since 1997.

Education Secretary Ed Balls welcomed the report, saying "changes to the primary education system will ensure that we have the sort of children this Labour Government requires, and together with the implementation of an Oath of Allegiance will create the education system our children should have".

Arnie Set for Return to Screens

Aging action-hero-cum-politician Arnold Schwarzenegger is due to make a return to the silver screen, it was announced today.

The star, 62, put his acting career on hold when he became Governor of California in 2003, however, his publicist today announced that he is to start working on two new projects.

In the first, directed by Jerry Bruckheimer, Schwarzenegger is to play a retired Special Forces soldier who is forced to face his darkest fears confronting a maniacal evil doctor. The film has tentatively been titled 'Stern Test II - Proctologist Day'.

The second film, due for release in late 2010, has been written and directed by fellow antique action legend Sylvester Stallone, and is believed to be a lighter-hearted action film about two retired Special Forces soldiers, forced to defend their beloved golf club from an evil teenage gang. The movie has a working title of 'Pringle All the Way'.

A spokesman for Governor Schwarzenegger denied that he was too old to be an action hero, pointing out that Schwarzenegger still works out regularly, and has now had an uprated pacemaker fitted. He added, "Arnie will keep being an action hero to one and all for as long as he can - even if he has to get himself mummified like Clint Eastwood".

Goody to Become Saint Jade

St. Jade in her traditional pose

Former 'Big Brother' contestant and tabloid revenue-stream Jade Goody is to be beatified by His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, it was announced today, in recognition of her tireless work to benefit race relations.

The move, which is the result of a concerted campaign by Max Clifford and The Beano Sun, will see 'The People's Chav' start her journey to sainthood within the next seven days.

In order to complete the transition to the status of saint, there will have to be three independently-verified miracles noted and recorded in her name. This Correspondent understands that the first of these has already been achieved, as it's an absolute miracle she gets as many column-inches as she does. Further miracles from St Jade of Essex are said to include her ability to generate revenue from multiple sources from absolutely no talent or intellect.

Cardinal Michael Godbotherer, spokesman for the Vatican, confirmed that the beatification process had started for 'an unpleasant Essex chav', but refused to provide more details. However, Doctor Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury, praised Goody for her work in promoting racial harmony and Heat Magazine. He added, "the elevation of Jade Goody to sainthood is an important step in bringing the Church in line with modern life".

The announcement means that Goody, who has a terminal illness, will receive a State funeral in the Vatican upon her death. Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Shilpa Shetty have already confirmed their attendance, and it is reported that Hello magazine have bought the photography rights for an undisclosed sum.

Station's Strict New Rules on Commuters

Passionate commuters saying their goodbyes will no longer be able to do so at Warrington Bank Quay Station, after management instituted a new stricter policy.

Fed up with trains being delayed, managers have now issued a 'No Shagging' rule on all platforms, and new signs have been put up to remind frisky travellers of their responsibilities.

The new rule, which will be enforced only during peak travelling hours, follows themove by Virgin to introduce their new 'Pendolino' trains from Warrington Bank Quay. Station Manager Reg Jobsworth said, "it's all very well people saying their goodbyes, but we're targeted on punctuality and screwing on the platforms means the trains get delayed. Just last week, an impromptu gang-bang on Platform 3 meant the whole West Coast Line was held up for almost an hour. It's just not acceptable".

A spokesman for Virgin Trains defended the move, which has outraged passenger groups and swinging clubs across the northwest. In a statement on behalf of Richard Branson, the spokesman said, "we understand the necessity for passengers to say goodbye to their loved ones, but we ask for some consideration for our punctuality needs and those of other passengers.

"If travellers would please stick to a spot of fellatio or cunnilingus, this will ensure our services run in a timely fashion".

Belmarsh Prison 'Out of Space'

London's Belmarsh Prison has announced that it is unable at present to admit any more bombers or terrorists, following the arrest of 183 Japanese tourists yesterday under new Police State Anti-Terror laws.

The three coach-loads of tourists fell foul of the new Section 76 to the Counter-Terrorism Act 2008, which makes it illegal to photograph Police officers, soldiers, or pretty much anything else.

All 183 were taking photographs of the Guards at Buckingham Palace, and have been arrested on suspicion of taking images which may be of use in the commission of a terrorist act. All will be held under the Act for 42 days. Two Brazilian tourists were also each shot 14 times in the head, because they looked a bit funny and had backpacks.

Governor of Belmarsh Prison, Warden Bangup, said, "unfortunately we have simply run out of space due to this sudden influx of tourists...sorry, terrorists. We are also having to keep cells free for the vast numbers of journalists we expect to be imprisoned under this Act. Therefore, we are not accepting any more inmates at this time".

Chief Inquisitor Justice Minister Jack Straw, speaking at the Ministry of Love Justice Ministry, said, "it is right that we ensure our Police, our servicemen and our streets are free from the fear and tyranny of terrorism. These Japanese touri...sorry...terrorists were clearly a danger to National Security and the Police acted in accordance with the Act. No, don't photograph me! Guards! Arrest that man!"

Mr Straw also announced a major new building project to ensure that there were sufficient prison spaces to handle all the arrested photographers over the next few years. He added that because of the high-priority nature of arresting tourists and journalists, he was issuing new sentencing guidelines to judges. All those found in possession of Semtex, suicide belts and Jihad manuals will now be subject to ASBOs, to save prison space for people taking pictures.

A Japanese Government spokesman tried to give a comment, but was too pissed to be intelligible.

Brown 'Best Leader for Recession'

Gordon Brown is the best person to lead Britain through the current economic downturn, according to the results of a survey published today.

The survey, conducted by independent think-tank LabourList, gave voters the choice between Gordon Brown, Kim Jong-Il, Robert Mugabe and the voices in Derek Draper's head as the best choices to run the economy. A staggering 53% of the 27 regular LabourList readers voted, with Brown a clear winner with 51% of the vote. Robert Mugabe came second, with many of those polled pointing to his decisive handling of Opposition issues.

The poll is the first to show Labour ahead in anything for some considerable time, and has been pounced on by Labour lunaticssupporters as evidence of their popularity in the mainstream.

The result was welcomed by Business Secretary Lord Mandelson, who said, "this result proves that Britain Loves Gordon, and that we need him in a time when we need a steady nerve and cool judgement".

Mr Mandelson admitted that the Government is in 'an uncomfortable place politically', but added, "there's nothing wrong with an uncomfortable place now and again, ducky".

Draper's Downfall

Brilliant. Warning, strong language - which I would imagine Dolly used when he saw this.



Hat tip to Donal Blaney.

The Silver Beast

The problem with having en ever-expanding menagerie here at Vitriol Towers is that there's never enough space to carry everyone and everything. So the time had come to put away childish things, accept that my life of fun and silliness was over and become 'Norman Normal' - taxi-service Dad with an estate car.

Then, as it so often does, good fortune came my way in the colonial shape of a colleague of The Darling G, returning to the US after a secondment here. And selling his estate car.

Ever since I read John Gardner's 007 books I've wanted a Saab. So now, I feel like a big kid. I've finally got one - a 2002 9-5 Aero Estate. We got it for an absolute song, too.

It's hard to say just how chuffed I am. I am a happy Dungeekin, and I finally own a Silver Beast.

How Do You Break a Dolly?

Wow. Meltdown.

I note that this paragon of mental health was more than happy to attack an elderly woman with dementia, yet still attacks Iain Dale for quite rightly refusing to condemn Carol Thatcher.

Proof, if further proof were needed, that the Berk should never have left Berkely. Or whichever college it actually was that sent the Diploma.

I wonder what a decent psychotherapist would make of the worthy gentleman's "issues"?

Weekly Quiz - Answers

So for those who were waiting with bated breath, below are the answers to this week's Quiz.

As you know, the subject was "Where Would You Find. . . ." and I'm delighted to say we had literally one set of answers in our bulging Postbag.

Anyway, without further ado, the answers:

1. In the House of Lords;

2. In an Interrogation Cell at Heathrow Airport;

3. In Fred Goodwin's pocket;

4. In a VIP box at Wimbledon;

5. In a public toilet in Westminster.

The Prize this week goes to a Ms S Rimington, of Vauxhall, who also supplied some very educational photographs. You know who you are, and I have the negatives.

Please feel free to supply your own questions in the Comments section. Another Quiz next Friday!

Girls Aloud Sign New Contract

The band, shortly before going to work in Manchester's red-light district last night

Talent-free zone Girls Aloud have announced they have signed a new deal with their record label Fascination, despite recent reports that the group may be on the verge of breaking up.

The band have reportedly signed a six-figure deal with the company, on the understanding that they don't produce any more albums and thus protect normal human beings from their awful wailings.

The band had been reported to be on the verge of breaking up as each of the five harpies pursued independent projects.

Following her successful stint as eye-candy for Simon Cowell, Cheryl Cole is to hopefully bugger off to the States and never return, while the four other ones (whose names your Correspondent can't be bothered to look up) have all announced straight-to-bargain-bin solo projects, cameo roles in soap operas and kiss'n'tell exposees of how they worked their way through the entire Liverpool squad in one night.

Girls Aloud, who were originally part of yet another pointless TV 'talent' show, have released a string of dire assaults on eardrums across the world. Record company executive Tarquin Cokehead, of Fascination Records, said, "we're delighted to have signed the girls for another deal, and we look forward to bringing music-lovers blessed release from their caterwauling".

Gladiator Names

At the suggestion of Bill Quango MP:

This weekends task is to give Sky 1 type "Gladiator" names to the following people in this weeks news.

Gordon Brown: Ditherus Economicus Disastrus
David Cameron: Bullingdus Ex Nastipartius
Nick Clegg: Invisibilus Nonentius
Vince Cable: Financius Tolduso
Fred Goodwin: Bonus Maximus
Jacqui Smith: Stalinia Incompetentus Cowardia
Ed Balls: Moronis Sowhatus Footinmouthus
James Crosby: Sackus Whistleblowerus
Boris Johnson: Oldetonium Sayfuckalot
Sarah Tether: Neverheardovya Libdemia

Your turn, have fun.

UPDATE: Hmm, guess I misread the original post. I've gone for the movie, not the execrable TV show. Guess that just shows how much TV I watch....

Seen on the Kings Road. . .

I wish.....

Government Introduces New 'Cohesion' Laws

Following the outcry over the Geert Wilders incident, the Government is to introduce new legislation to preserve social cohesion.

Under the terms of the new legislation, to be announced today, all references to Christianity and Atheism are to be banned, and the following new rules introduced:

• Public-sector workers who offer Christian prayers are to be removed from their posts;
• All Christian assemblies are to be banned, and all assemblies suspended until school halls are all redesigned to point to Mecca;
• All 'Atheist Bus' signs are to be removed as they are an incitement to religious hatred. They are to be replaced with non-offensive signs saying 'Allahu Akbar';
• The Queen's role as head of the Anglican Church and 'Defender of the Faith' is to be restructured, and will now be defined as 'Defender of Islam';
• Fast-food outlets to offer only Halal dishes.
• Any and all negative comment or discussion pertaining to Islam is to be banned under rules forbidding incitement of religious hatred. The only people allowed to preach hatred will now be Imams.
  

In a further development, it has been announced that Geert Wilders, the controversial and distasteful Dutch politician whose overblown, extreme and ugly anti-Islamic film 'Fitna' was the cause for his arrest at Heathrow Airport yesterday, is to be executed for apostasy. The beheading is to be carried out by Labour peer Lord Ahmed, who welcomed the Government announcement as 'a good day for Britain', and has vowed to amass 10,000 supporters of the new legislation to celebrate outside Parliament.

Speaking outside the Home Office, and wearing a burqa, Home Secretary Jacqui Beria said, "it is right that we introduce legislation to ensure social cohesion in these difficult times. I know that many people feel that extremist Islamists preach hatred and violence against the West, but we feel that rather than allow others to state their equally bigoted arguments, and have the whole lot torn apart by rational debate, it's better simply to concede to the extremists. Er. Insh'Allah. Yes."

Ms Beria added, "obviously this legislation does put some small inconvenience on moderate Muslims, ordinary Christians, atheists and normal people. But this Government believes that it's better to suppress free speech and argument than be like the Tories and stand up for free speech, even if what is being said is distasteful".

Microsoft bounty for worm creator

The average Windows network

A reward of $250,000 has been offered by Microsoft to find out who was behind the Downadup/Cornficker virus.

Since it started circulating in October 2008, the virus has infected millions of PCs worldwide, including, hospital computers and even Royal Navy warships.

Steve 'Monkey Boy' Ballmer, speaking from the specially-constructed climbing frame in his office, said, "it is essential that we track down the creator of this virus as a matter of urgency. Therefore we are offering the reward for information leading to the name and location of the writer, and we have the black helicopters on standby".

He added, "The simple fact is, this one coder has done more damage to Windows networks than our entire team of developers have managed with since Windows ME was released. Clearly he's highly skilled, and we should really have him working here at Microsoft on our kernel team".

"Someone like this could do wonders for us in the development of Windows 7, finding new and innovative ways to crash and destroy data at the worst possible moment. This person should not be writing viruses - he should be a Developer! Developer! Developer! Developer!".

The Cornficker virus is the latest major security headache for the software giant, following on the heels of Sasser, Blaster, MyDoom, SoBig, CodeRed, ILoveYou and every single other one, going back years. And years. And years.

Former Apple CEO Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment, as he was consulting his turtleneck and suffering uncontrollable fits of laughter.

Film-Maker Banned from UK

A controversial film-maker has been banned from entering the UK, just hours before he was due to speak to Parliamentarians and show his film.

It has emerged that following threats of protests, the Home Office has rescinded Mr Stephen Spielberg's visa to enter the country, citing national cohesion as the reason.

Spielberg's ground-breaking film, 'ET: The Extra-Terrestrial' has provoked a storm of controversy, containing graphic images of alien interaction with young children, apparent death and reincarnation, and flying bicycles.

Yesterday Spielberg was presented with a letter written on behalf of the Home Secretary stating that she ‘is satisfied that your statements about aliens, as expressed in your film 'ET; The Extra-Terrestrial' and elsewhere would threaten community harmony and therefore public security in the UK.’

Soon-to-be-jailed Labour firebrand Lord Ahmed had campaigned against the film being shown to Parliamentarians due to its 'insulting' content, and had threatened to bring 'an army of 10,000 Flat-Earthers' to Westminster to protest were the film to be shown.

Child protection groups have also been up in arms at the showing of 'ET'. Ms Hilary Dour, of the pressure group Action Against Anything At All, has been vocal in her opposition to Spielberg's entry to the country. Speaking from her padded room, she railed, "this disgusting film shows aliens interacting with vulnerable young people without CRB checks having been done, or any involvement of a responsible adult. It also promotes dangerous behaviour on the part of children, including flying on their bicycles. Won't someone please think of the. . oh, yes Nurse, it is time for my injection".

However, senior Peers Baroness Cox and Lord Pearson have condemned the decision to deny Mr Spielberg access. In a statement, they said, "They react in fury and menace to our intention to show the film and have boasted that their threats of aggressive demonstrations prevented its previous showing in the Mother of Parliaments. This was not the case – the event was postponed to clarify issues of freedom of speech. The threat of intimidation in fact increases the justification for the film to be shown and discussed in Parliament and by the British and international press.

"Indeed, any alleged threats associated with Lord Ahmed of attempts to prevent the showing of the film would themselves be a confirmation of the film’s message and the need for it to be shown".

ET himself was unavailable for comment, as he was making a phone call.

Twittertitters for Comic Relief!

So there's yet another use for Twitter, as it's now being used to raise cash for charidee.

Linda Jones and Louise Bolotin are using Twitter to collect and edit funny short stories, prose and poems for a book - Twittertitters - to be published in aid of Comic Relief.

The resulting book will be published by self publishers Lulu.com, with all proceeds going to Comic Relief.

If you're interested (and if you write funny stuff and/or are interested in supporting Comic Relief, you should be) then check it out here, and send them some work. Short stories, scripts, poems and prose will all be accepted for the anthology and the word limit is 1,400 words. Copyright for the work is retained by the writer.

I've submitted 'Musings on Squirrels' for (hopefully) publication, and am happy to openly offer Twittertitter access to any other piece on here that they think is funny enough and appropriate for the book.

If you're on Twitter, please do follow Linda and Louise, retweet their messages and help with publicising the book as it's for a pretty damn good cause.

More posts on the book and its progress will follow.

Hunting Ban to be Lifted

The Government has announced a lifting of the ban on hunting with hounds, just five years after its much-vaunted Hunting Act was introduced.

In an Early Day Motion tabled today by Chancellor Alistair Slugbalancer, the Government is to reintroduce the hunting of bankers under licenced and controlled conditions.

Mr Slugbalancer said, "everyone knows that we shouldn't hunt foxes because they're lovely, bright-eyed, gentle and pretty little creatures who never harm anything and who live an organic, vegan existence and never slaughter every chicken in a hen-house. I should know, I live in Islington.

"But we know that bankers are the most evil creatures on the planet, greedy and venal, and they bite the heads of company directors and things, so it's OK to hunt them into the ground and have them torn apart by hounds. We plan to start next Sunday with Fred Goodwin and go from there".

Under the terms of the Motion, bankers will be stripped naked, drenched in fox urine and, to imitate the fox's brush, will have a feather duster inserted into their bottom. They will then be released into the wild and given a 10-minute head start before being hunted across hill and dale by the hounds.

The Countryside Alliance welcomed the Government's move, saying that it would give them a chance to chase and murder something, and the Motion has also been backed by Guardian readers and commenters on Labour propaganda site Labialist.

Sky TV is understood to be bidding on the rights to broadcast the hunts, and sponsorship offers have flooded in from shareholder groups across the country.

However, the RSPCA has condemned the suggestion as 'cruel and sadistic', with spokesman Bert Doglover saying, "this is an absolute act of torture. How anyone can say it's acceptable to allow hounds to eat bankers I don't know. It's not fair on the dogs at all - it'll play merry hell with their digestion".

Musings on Squirrels

Lunch

I have just had a brilliant idea. A brainwave, if you will.

You see, I was reading this piece about the outcry over plans to slaughter Grey Squirrels - how they are to be bludgeoned to death in order to save the poor, endangered little Red Squirrel from extinction (or worse, only being able to live in Scotland), and it got me thinking.

Don't get me wrong, I've never really been a big fan of squirrels anyway - personally I think that far from being cutesy, bright-eyed little fellas with an entertaining way of grasping their nuts, they are in fact sinister, evil little members of the rat family with a bushy tail and a good PR company. So obviously, the problem's with the 'senseless killing' bit. But then, the brainwave hit me.

We're in a credit crunch, and we're told that the price of everything has risen quite steeply. Loss of income, loss of jobs and so on mean that we're all tightening our belts. And here, folks, is a perfect antidote to the problem of not being able to afford meat in the weekly shop. Just pop down to your local park, set a few traps, and you have a delicious meal on your plate. Squirrel probably even tastes like chicken. Of course, you still have to despatch your rodent - here I'd recommend sticking with the bludgeoning, ideally using a steak mallet, because 1: it'll help tenderise your meat for later, and 2: it's enormous fun.

And there's a second benefit as well. As we know, Nanny has given us a telling off this very day, entreating us to eat less fat - less butter, low-fat cheese and the like - and to eat leaner meat. Well, how much leaner do you want? Squirrels are free-range, eat an organic acorn-based diet, and given the amount of amusing scampering around they do, I doubt there's much fat on them. Job done.

There you go. A solution to the food crisis, the credit crunch, improved public health and a better environment for the native Red Squirrel.

No, no, don't thank me. In fact, I'll even give you a recipe to start with. Bon appetit.

'Ecureuil En Papillotte'

• First, take your squirrel and bludgeon it for the oven.
• Bludgeon it some more. Feels good, doesn't it?
• Peel and disembowel your squirrel (purist torturers may wish to do this before the bludgeoning, as it can improve the flavour).
• Wrap in greasepoof paper with two garlic cloves, a sprig of rosemary, two slices of onion and shredded fieldmouse to taste.
• Cook in the oven for 25 minutes at Gas Mark 6.
• Remove from the oven, and leave to rest for ten minutes.
• Open the greaseproof paper, and inhale deeply.
• Throw it away and order a Pizza.

In Which Dungeekin is Judge Jules. . .

Live and in effect, this is Judge Dungeekin on the decks, rolling another phat one from Raplog.

Big shout-out goes to Derek Draper and the Labialist not-very Massive. Innit.

A Note to the Nanny State

So apparently I'm eating too much saturated fat, as are 75% of us. This means I am, apparently, driving headlong to an early grave, which will somehow be prevented if I skip my lunchtime cheese-and-pickle sandwich.

This staggering fact is behind the latest Nanny campaign to make us eat less cheese and butter, eat leaner meat and so on. Apparently these changes will result in around 3500 fewer deaths per year.

Or, in other words, 3500 more miserable people, eschewing any enjoyment of their sustenance in favour of a few more years of a joyless existence.

But if you listen to the words of Nanny, you won't eat red meat, drink alcohol, have butter on your bread (actually, you won't have bread as it's starchy), won't have a dessert, won't have a cigar to celebrate your child's birth. No salt on your food, no sugar in your tea - and $DEITY help you if you use sweeteners instead, they'll give you Cancer. No port with the cheeseboard - no cheeseboard unless it's low-fat cottage cheese. You going to eat that Big Mac? Tut tut.

You won't ever drive fast, take your children sledging, eat that second helping, have a Sunday roast, have a second pint, have a one-night-stand, go out in the sun, ride a motorcycle, try a recreational drug, play rugby, enjoy a good single malt, do anything Nanny deems silly, high-risk, dangerous or hazardous to health.

No fun. No joy. No experiences. NO LIFE.

It's life. Our life. We only get one of them, and it's too short not to enjoy it.

Do these people seriously believe that death can be somehow abolished if we all eat nothing but curly Kale? Will I be immortal if I get my 5-a day? Does longevity count for all, no matter what pleasures are foregone in the pursuit of those elusive few extra years? Should I enclose myself in a hermetically-sealed oxygen tent in the vain hope that pure air will see me to a ripe old age?

I think not.

Leaving aside the additional drain we're told an aging population puts upon the pension and healthcare systems, a life lived without experience, joy and pleasure is not a life lived. It is a life wasted.

I would sooner die at 50, having filled every minute of every hour of every day with good food, good experiences and a good life, than die at 100 having missed out on everything this world has to offer.

I will eat what I wish to eat, when I wish to eat it. If I fancy an occasional smoke, I will do so. If I want to do a parachute jump, or ride my motorbike in the rain, or eat deep-fried Camembert, or get smashed on Scotch, you know what? I'm going to do it. And you can bet I'll do anything else that's interesting, fun and enjoyable.

So Nanny - thank you for your opinions, your chiding television advertisements, the constant reporting from the sandalistas at Pravda. But I, and most right-thinking people, don't need the enjoyment of our lives intruded on by your constant, hectoring simper. I'm a big boy, thank you, and I can (and will) make my own decisions about how to live my life.

And Nanny? Trust me on this. You may outlast me - but you won't have outlived me.

Balls in Honesty Shocker

Ed Balls yesterday, describing the experience of rimming Gordon Brown

Downing Street has sought to downplay remarks made by (soon-to-be-ex) Cabinet Minister Ed 'Blinky' Balls, in which he allegedly said something honest.

Mr Balls, a former economic adviser to Gordon Brown (which says a great deal) and Brown's current favoured sphincter-licker, was speaking at Labour's Yorkshire conference when the remarks were made.

According to the Yorkshire Post, Mr Balls said, "we are now seeing the realities of New Labour, though at a speed, pace and ferocity which none of us have seen before. The reality is that this is becoming the worst Government for, I'm sure, over 100 years as it will turn out".

Downing Street have attempted to play down the significance of his remarks, insisting he had been pointing out the unique nature of the current crap Government and was not predicting that the impact on ordinary people would be worse than that experienced during the Winter of Discontent in the '70s.

But Opposition Leader David Cameron pounced on the remarks, saying, "this just shows how bad the Government have become, when even they have no clear message about their own incompetence. Is Ed Balls spilling the beans here and telling us that the government see themselves as slightly more useless than they have tried to portray?"

Speaking via seance, former Labour Prime Minister James Callaghan welcomed the comments, adding 'I always knew Gordon could do it. I'm proud of the lad. It takes a lot of effort to screw a country up - God knows I know how hard it is - and he's done a better job than even I managed. I look forward to his 'no-confidence' vote in due course".

We contacted Mr Balls for clarification of his remarks, but he simply responded, "so what?".

More Weather Warnings for the UK

Britain's weather continues to surprise and shock, with the Met Office tonight issuing further Severe Biblical Plague Warnings across the UK.

Hard on the heels of the recent unprecedented blizzards and today's heavy rain, which has itself caused an increased risk of flooding in many areas, the Met Office has announced the following climate 'hotspots':

• A Rain of Frogs sweeping into North Wales and moving eastward, finally dispersing over West Yorkshire later;
• A Rain of Fire and Hail over the Highlands of Scotland, turning to sleet over Glasgow as it loses hope;
• A Plague of Locusts over South-East England and Kent, freshening;
• Outbreaks of boils in East Anglia, which is OK as nobody will notice.
  

Rumours that the rivers Thames, Severn and Mersey are to turn into blood have been dismissed by weather experts as 'ludicrous', though a Plague of Flies may roll into from the North Sea over the next 48 hours.

Communities Lunatic Hazel Blears appealed for calm in the face of JHVH's wrath on the country, and sought to reassure everyone that there was no danger to their first-born. In a hastily-convened Press conference, Blears insisted, "The UK is perfectly safe. Remember, as Lord Mandelson told us, Gordon Brown is Moses himself so the British people are completely safe in His care".

Opus Dei weirdican Ruth Kelly was unavailable for religious comment, as she was playing with her cilice, but BBC Weather Girl Carol Kirkwood said, "We advise people not to travel, as getting a frog in the face at terminal velocity is not likely to make for a good day".

WWF Issues Appeal for Endangered Species

The latest extinction in the Managerium species

The Worldwide Fund for Nature has started a new appeal on behalf of a species it says has now been recognised as among the world's most endangered.

The Greater-Mouthed Premiership Manager, or Managerium Footballaris, is now so under pressure that the average life expectancy of the animal has dropped to just five months. The strain of a life lived in the spotlight of high-risk hunting for results, predatory referees and the demands of species further down the food chain, primarily the genus Professional Footballer (Primadonna Kickaballabout), has resulted in a dwindling pool of available specimens.

Randy Savage, spokesman for the WWF, said today, "something needs to be done to protect the F. Managerium species before it becomes completely extinct. Just today we heard that we had lost two more rare breeds - Luis Felipe Scolari (M. Brazilis) and Tony Adams (M. Buttuglius). This decimation of the species cannot be allowed to continue".

A Premiership source defended the survival rate of managers, saying that the attrition was 'within reasonable parameters' and, though there were some issues regarding poaching, they were looking at methods of breeding managers in captivity to ensure an ongoing supply in the wild.

We attempted to view the rare and unstable species Kevin Keegan (M. Flapaboutallot) but sadly he just started into a rant about Alex Ferguson and we lost interest.

Noel Edmonds for Prime Minister

'Nuff said.

I applaud you, Sir.

Guttenberg Named as German Economics Minister

Mr Guttenberg with the new German Minister for Sexual Health

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has appointed Steve Guttenberg as her new Economics Minister today, following the resignation of former incumbent Michael Glos.

The new role is a significant departure for Guttenberg, 51, who will step away from his straight-to-DVD movie career in order to deal with the current crisis in Germany, as it struggles to maintain confidence during the sharpest economic downturn in post-war history.

Ms Merkel defended her choice of the relatively-inexperienced Guttenberg, saying, "I was watching Police Academy and it's clear that Mr MahoneyGuttenberg is very skilled at turning round failing situations. I therefore believe that his approach of well-meaning incompetence will do wonders in these difficult economic times".

Mr Guttenberg has already announced new positions within the Economics Ministry, including Tom Selleck and Ted Danson to handle social engagements, and a human beat-box to act as Press Officer and to keep visiting dignitaries entertained.

Ms Merkel dismissed the opinions of critics who compared her to Commandant Lassard, adding, "I have had many, many, wonderful experiences watching the Police Academy films and 'Three Men and a Baby'. I know many, many people will question my choice, but I'm sure I'm right".

Home Secretary Admits Expenses Error

Home Sec Jacqui Beria selecting which pool of taxpayer cash to dip into next

Hapless Home Secretary Jacqui Beria has admitted that she was wrong to have claimed a total of £116,000 of taxpayers money for lodging at her sister's house in London.

Mzzz Beria had reported to Parliamentary authorities that the house in her constituency she shares with her husband and children was her second home, which allowed her to claim the money - paid tax-free - from the Additional Costs Allowance pool.

However, speaking to journalists yesterday while writhing scantily-clad on a bed strewn with £50 notes, Mzzz Beria admitted that the claim was 'an error of judgement' that she would be rectifying in future.

She added, "I've made such a cock-up. It turns out I could have been claiming £24,000 per year and I've only actually been claiming £22,000. It's so embarrassing. I will, of course, be making a full apology to the House for failing fully to dig my Stalinist snout into the trough".

Mzz Beria defended classing her family home as the second home, saying, "it's perfectly legitimate and right to do so, as it allows full exploitation of the expenses system. And anyway, who would want to admit to living in Redditch?"

The Home Secretary earns a Ministerial salary of £142,000 and claimed a further £152,000 in expenses in the '06-'07 financial year - including £40,000 paid to her husband who is apparently her assistant, despite living almost 120 miles away from her day-to-day office.

Toxic Ship Set for Brit Recycling

A former French warship carrying 700 tonnes of 'contaminated material' has reached British shores ready to be stripped for recycling.

The ship, formerly known as the Clemenceau, has joined other 'ghost ships' berthed at Graythorp in Teesside.

However, environmental campaigners have warned that its cargo, believed to be 700 tonnes of Celine Dion and Michael Bolton CDs, would be deeply harmful and should not be permitted near British shores.

Ms Hilary Dour, of pressure group Action Against Anything At All, screamed, "this is outrageously dangerous, allowing such a vast quantity of crap music into the British environment. There are even reports that the cargo may contain Milli Vanilli and, worse, Mariah Carey. We cannot allow this aural destruction to go unprotested - won't somebody please think of the children?".

An anonymous member of Hartlepool's Green Party also protested the arrival of the ghost ship, saying, "A lot of people don't want Hartlepool turned into a dumping ground. It's bad enough we've already got Mandelson".

Len Crushit, of recycling contractor Crushit, Smeltit & Sellit PLC, defended the safety of the planned works. He explained, "nobody will be exposed to Celine Dion's wailings as a part of the recycling process. Our workers are specially trained to endure awful screeching, and we have soundproofing and contamination systems capable of handling anything up to and including Minnie Ripperton".

Lord Mandelson of Foy and Hartlepool doesn't live there, so wasn't bothered.

In Which Dungeekin Is Jonathan Ross. . .

. . . and Jeremy Clarkson, and anyone else who's done it.

A short while ago, I published a supposedly amusing post. Those who spoke to me about it know to which I refer.

The post in question was crass, poorly-considered, offensive and disrespectful to many.

Therefore, on reflection I have deleted the post, it's been taken down, and I have made a donation to the Red Cross Appeal. I offer my unreserved apology to those who were offended by my thoughtlessness.

I'm sorry.

Haulage Industry Reports Increased Traffic

A British truck delivering the latest batch of immigrant workers

Despite the Recession, the Credit Crunch and high fuel prices, Britain's truckers are today reporting a 100% increase in traffic in 2008.

Freight companies have reported an increase in illegal immigrant imports from 1400 in the '06-'07 financial year to a much more healthy 3300 for the 2008 reporting period, and has shown no appreciable slowdown despite economic conditions.

Ramazan Zorlu, of North London human-trafficking company SneakinPeople Ltd, welcomed the increase as a boost to the UK economy, saying, "well, we're doing alright. Our innovative new people-trafficking system can be retrofitted to any lorry, and we've seen a 30% increase in like-for-like smuggling over the last quarter".

Business Minister Lord Mandelson praised the ingenuity of the truckers, and said that this growth vindicated Labour's employment policy. He added, "this increase in imports provides both much-needed revenue to our struggling organised-crime syndicates, as well as an increase in the important services such as traffic-light windscreen-washing, cockle-picking and the sex industry. Plus it keeps the money in circulation, which is the main thing".

French President Nicola Sarkozy also hailed the announcement, which he claimed was in part due to a ground-breaking new agreement signed between the French Government and Albanian organised-crime syndicates. M Sarkozy said, "Our exports are up 100% since the deal was signed, and anyway - now it's the problem of les rosbifs", before bursting into uncontrollable laughter and popping off to give Carla one.

An Albanian private sector worker, contacted for their opinion while he was washing this Correspondent's windscreen, declined to comment.