Obama Orders Softer Tactics

US President Barack Obama has signed an order banning harsh interrogation techniques used since 9/11, which critics have denounced as torture.

The latest Executive Order outlaws interrogation methods such as waterboarding, which many observers have alleged to be torture techniques. The practice of serving roast pork with crackling on Sundays has also been banned.

Under the terms of the new Executive Order, interrogators at Guantanamo Bay will be required to work to build rapport with their detainees rather than interrogate them. Some methods recommended in the Order include:

• Classes in the safe handling of weapons other than AK-47s and Semtex;
• Guards are to read to the detainees before lights-out - copies of 'Mohammeds' Little Book of Bedtime Jihads' are being provided for this purpose;
• Regular 'group hug' sessions;
• Cinema screenings of top Islamic movies including 'Ten Little Martyrs', 'Intifada Day', 'Prophet in Pink', 'Mohammed Does Dallas' and the retro classic 'The Cook, The Thief, the Infidel and their Amputations'.

Human rights campaigners have welcomed the move by the President, with Pinka Wetwipe of Amnesty saying, "this is an excellent first step by Obama. We know that the detainees of Guantanamo are just misunderstood. It's part of our campaign to better increase comprehension of the plight of Islamic fundamentalists everywhere - our 'Touch a Taliban, Hug a Hamza' scheme which will soon see radical Imams in every British primary school to preach their message of peace and understanding".

Osama Bin Laden was unreachable on his cellphone for comment.