News in Brief - 30 January 2009

Blagovejich Ousted as Illinois Governor
Rod Blagovejich ousted following impeachment for allegedly trying to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat. Illinois Senate spokesman said Blogovejich had violated the terms of their contract with eBay.

Nokia Announce Record Sales
Mobile phone company Nokia has announced a record 34% increase in sales in the UK. Reports are that the bulk of sales are to Prime Minister Gordon Brown, currently smashing three phones a week in uncontrolled rages.

Blears Publishes Sex Manual
Hazel Blears MP has published her 'Guide To Good Socialist Sex', available on Amazon. She says, "sex is like campaigning. . . high energy, high impact, low cost".

Reports of White House Pregnancy
There are rumours that First Lady Michelle Obama may be pregnant with their third child. A Downing St. Spokesman said, "we're impressed - our Prime Minister only fucks the economy".

US Economy In Worst Contraction for 25 Years
The US economy contracted by 3.8% last quarter, according to figures released today. American waist measurements decreased by the same percentage, though average IQ increased as G W Bush is currently out of the country.

Seattle Suffers Mild Earthquake
An earthquake measuring 4.6 on the Richter Scale has hit Seattle, according to the USGS. Seismologists believe the epicentre of the tremors to be Dr Frasier Crane's ego.