A cross-party group of MPs have said that as many as 17.8 million over-18s have poor literacy and 23.8m have numeracy skills below the level needed to get a good GCSE.
The report was welcomed by Prime Mentalist Gordon Brown, who was clearly emotional as he told reporters, "this is real vindication of the New Labour approach to education. By ensuring that we dumb-down real skills, while altering the target criteria to allow us to trumpet increasing standards, we are well on the way to our goal".
Fighting back tears, the PM added, "our target is to ensure that the British electorate have neither the literacy skills to comprehend Government announcements, nor the numeracy skills to work out how much it will cost them. We are getting on with the job, and will continue to work to drive British intellect down to the required level before the end of the next Parliament".
A Cabinet Office spokesman denied rumours that the Government has hired consultants from the Khmer Rouge to develop further methods of reducing the average IQ of the UK - methods believed to include the summary execution of anyone able to do mathematics.
Rebekah Wade, the Editor of red-top rag The