THE DIARY OF A GEEK IN OXFORDSHIRE


"Solving the World's problems with satire and a smile.*"

*And a flamethrower.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

British Traders Facing WMD Trial


Thousands of British businessmen are facing an uncertain future today after it was announced that they were to face trial in The Hague for 'crimes against humanity'.

The prosecutions, brought by the Health & Safety Executive against Britain's kebab-shop proprietors, comes after the not-very-shocking revelations that doner kebabs have 'shockingly high' calorie, fat and salt levels.

The HSE have therefore deemed kebabs as 'Weapons of Mass Doubling', and this therefore places them under the legislation applicable to nuclear, biological and chemical weapons. Those manufacturing and supplying WMD's are therefore to be tried in The Hague under genocide charges, and face life in prison if convicted.

The move was applauded by campaigner Ms Hilary Dour, of the pressure group 'Action Against Anything At All'. Unfortunately her comments could not be heard through the thick glass in the secure psychiatric unit, but she was screaming something about, "think of the children".

BBC 'Dragon' Theo Paphitis, who made his first million selling doner kebabs and now runs a thriving trade in Doncaster from the back of his specially-converted Maybach kebab van, said, "It's a travesty, innit. We're providing a much-needed public service to the drunks of Britain. And it's not true what they said about poor-quality meat. It's all first-class stuff. Lamb, beef, rat...no, I never said rat. Oh, bugger. Innit".

He then served your Correspondent a large 'Special' with extra chilli sauce, allegedly in contravention of the United Nations Convention on Chemical Weapons.

4 comments:

Alex Harrington said...

But they're sooooooooooo tasty :D

Old Holborn said...

Do some research on how many councils sent out "officers" to do this research.

What a waste of public money

it's either banned or compulsory said...

BBC Radio 1 FM joined in today, not wishing to bore the kidz it chose to examine how likely 'lamb' kebabs were to contain beeef or even pork; shock, horror.

Has anyone spotted a Civil Enforcement Officer or Community Not A Proper Copper enforcing the smoking ban at 2am in a kebab shop or spot-fining drunken Wayne as he chucks his half-a-donna wrapper to the pavement ?

Smokers
Drinkers
Fishermen
Kebab Mongers
Who next ?

I just remembered, Sunday Telegraph (?); fishermen are responsible for Climate Change because fish shit absorbs CO2. I kid you not !

Witterings From Witney said...

AS Old Holborn said (in effect) why have we allowed our money (taxpayer's money) to be spent on letting someone we employ to tell us what we can eat?

Never had one myself as never fancied one, however if others wish to eat it - that is their choice, the important point being it is their choice!