The prosecutions, brought by the Health & Safety Executive against Britain's kebab-shop proprietors, comes after the not-very-shocking revelations that doner kebabs have 'shockingly high' calorie, fat and salt levels.
The HSE have therefore deemed kebabs as 'Weapons of Mass Doubling', and this therefore places them under the legislation applicable to nuclear, biological and chemical weapons. Those manufacturing and supplying WMD's are therefore to be tried in The Hague under genocide charges, and face life in prison if convicted.
The move was applauded by campaigner Ms Hilary Dour, of the pressure group 'Action Against Anything At All'. Unfortunately her comments could not be heard through the thick glass in the secure psychiatric unit, but she was screaming something about, "think of the children".
BBC 'Dragon' Theo Paphitis, who made his first million selling doner kebabs and now runs a thriving trade in Doncaster from the back of his specially-converted Maybach kebab van, said, "It's a travesty, innit. We're providing a much-needed public service to the drunks of Britain. And it's not true what they said about poor-quality meat. It's all first-class stuff. Lamb, beef, rat...no, I never said rat. Oh, bugger. Innit".
He then served your Correspondent a large 'Special' with extra chilli sauce, allegedly in contravention of the United Nations Convention on Chemical Weapons.