Shock as F1's Hamilton Announces McLaren Departure

The world of Formula One was thrown into disarray this morning by the shock announcement that Lewis Hamilton is to leave the McLaren F1 team, to whom he has been contracted since conception.

 The news comes as McLaren, who have shown a recent resurgence in form, increased their salary offer for the 27-year-old to 'all the money in the world ever plus a pound, honest' - levels unprecedented within even Michael Schumacher's negotiations with his insurance company.

The new deal, signed by Hamilton's management company Svengali Associates, will see Hamilton turn in his racing overalls for a Union Jack dress as he takes over a 3-year contract replacing Geri Halliwell in a relaunched Spice Girls team. Hamilton's salary for the move is undisclosed, but the management company is rumoured to be taking a cut in the region of eleventy squillion pounds

 A spokesman for Svengali Associates explained "Brand Hamilton is quitting his underperforming racing career in favour of the vapid celebrity life he has clearly aspired to for so long, and to which all our management clients aspire. We are confident that this is the right career step for Lewis, and in the coming months we expect to sign independent deals for a perfume, new underwear, and a collaboration R'n'B album with Fiddy Cent."

 The 2008 World Champion is expected to crown his move from talented F1 driver to pointless slab with a place on next year's Strictly Come Dancing, and his management company are not commenting on rumours that he will make a final, dire appearance eating bugs in a jungle for Ant & Dec before disappearing into obscurity, having squandered his talent and money in pursuit of transient fame.

However, the spokesman pointed out that that disappearance would not come before Svengali Associates had "extorted stratospheric levels of cash from his brand".

 Fernando Alonso, Sebastian Vettel and Jenson Button were too busy working hard at being professional racing drivers to comment.

Santorum Chooses To Abort Campaign

The American radical Christian movements have exploded in anger tonight after fascistRepublican wackjobnominee hopelessful Rick Santorum announced that he was unbelievably doing something sensible and dropping out of the Presidential race.

The former Senator announced tonight that he was terminating his campaign to spend more time with his obsession with legislating uteruses. However, fundamentalist Christians across the United States have erupted in anger at the news.

Mr F Phelps, a Baptist minister and Santorum campaigner, said, "my church cannot believe that Santorum has committed this heinous act, in violation of Scripture and Commandment. For a Presidential hopeful - our Presidential hopeful - to have aborted his campaign shows no consideration for our Holy cause of demeaning women and returning America from its abhorrent 'Land of the Free' back to the Puritan ways of the Founding Fathers, except with Viagra for us men. Obviously."

Campaign specialists pointed out that while Mr Santorum has terminated his campaign today, it had shown no signs of life since he had announced he would ban the No. 1 pastime of American men. One political pundit described it as 'not a termination, more a mercy killing'.

Mr Santorum's statement that it was 'his choice' to abandon his campaign midway through its gestation has further angered morons evangelists across the Midwest. One campaigner, who preferred not to be named, said that Santorum's campaign suspension would cause, "the end of the world as we want it. We'll be back to the bad old days of women holding jobs instead of holding children, and uppity civil rights campaigners we can't lynch".

A spokescorporation for Mitt Romney, now expected to be the shoo-in candidate to lose to President Barack Obama in November, accepted Mr Santorum's concession, saying, "this is a generous act on behalf of my opponent, who has finally accepted that my candidacy creates the America that all Americans want - at least, all middle-aged, white, wealthy venture-capitalist Americans anyway. And they're what matters."

He also called on Christian activists to 'go easy' on Mr Santorum, pointing out, "be fair, at least he pulled out early".

Mr Santorum's newly-fired campaign staff have declined to comment on rumours that the former Senator was forced to undergo a trans-voter ultrasound prior to his decision to terminate his campaign.

Barack Obama was too busy winning to comment.

EXCLUSIVE: Tables Of Power - A Diary Investigation

The row over the 'cash for access' allegations took a more serious turn tonight, with The Diary able to provide exclusive evidence that other senior figures in the Coalition and Opposition parties have also been hawking their dubious conversational skills around the rich and powerful of the nation.

In an exclusive sting operation by our exclusive roving reporter Dun Geekin, The Diary was able to gain seats at the dining tables* of many influential and powerful politicians, often for much less than the £250,000 paid by so many wealthy** Tory Party donors.

Posing as billionaire dung broker Simon Cowell, your fearless reporter contacted the assistants of various leading political figures, offering promises of donations in return for dinner dates and influence over policy, and the results make for shocking reading.

Liberal Democrat leader and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said that he would offer, "the fullest influence at my disposal - but at a price commensurate with that power and influence", before offering a seat at his exclusive dinner for £7.50 and a packet of Skittles.

We were able to arrange lunch, and the chance to ensure a question of our choice was tabled by 'a tame MP' at PMQ's by Deputy Squeaker John Bercow, for just £5,000 - but he made the proviso that we had to help tuck his high-chair in.

Your brave reporter did attempt to arrange a lunch with Conservative (very) heavy-hitter Eric Pickles, but were forced to abandon the attempt when the Secretary of State for communities attempted to eat his arm.

London Mayoral candidate Ken Livingstone offered a 'working breakfast and the chance to shoot the Jew of your choice' for £20,000 in non-sequential bills paid to his company for tax reasons.

In all cases, The Diary's reporter made his excuses and left, rather than influence policy to the point that the politicos actually did something sensible for once in their miserable lives.

However, just after our sting operation ended we were contacted directly by 'Little Red' Ed Millipede, who offered to let us write the entire Labour Manifesto if we'd just give him a cuddle and tell him we actually liked him. Our reporter declined.

The dossier of our investigation, and the shocking case of access to politicians and influence for money, has been passed to Rupert Murdoch who was probably in need of a good laugh.

*Apart from John Prescott, who uses a trough and who'd eaten all the food before your reporter arrived.

** And mindless.

Politicians Quarantined in Health Scare

In a development unprecedented since the 1997 Conservative Cull, it was this afternoon announced that all British Politicians are to be placed in immediate and total quarantine.

The announcement was made following what appears to be the worst outbreak of Foot In Mouth Disease in living memory spreading across the Parliamentary benches.

In a combined operation involving experts from the Department of Health, the Ministry if Agriculture, Fisheries and Food and other specialists, all politicians in the UK have been placed in immediate quarantine in the Palace of Wesetminster, and will be denied the oxygen of publicity believed to fuel the spread of the disease.

Experts first became aware of the extent of the problem recently when two members of the species, from different habitats, both exhibited simultaneous symptoms today. Ed Milipede, Latin name Politicanus Redleftius, and Lib-Dem coalition jester Bozo The Cable (P. Limpdummius), both showed signs of infection, with Milipede reduced to even more of an adenoidal babble than usual on a pointless radio phone-in and Cable publishing a letter attacking the very Government he's a Minister in.

A Department of Health Spokesman said, "these are two early cases, but what we are seeing now is the widespread infection of politicians in general. Previously we thought it was contained to Prescott's unintelligible babble and the odd halfwit comment from Ken Clarke - and, of course, Ken Livingstone has been suffering from Foot In Mouth for years but he's largely self-quarantined anyway.

"However, these two recent cases, along with the Prime Minister suffering an attack and promising millions of pounds we haven't got to avoid being lynched by union nurses, means that we have to take serious measures immediately for the greater public good."

Voters around the country have rallied in support of the move, and suggested that the standard approach taken with cattle of shooting and setting fire to every single politician would certainly be in the public interest.

However, it is feared that the outbreak may already have spread to other countries, with cases appearing in the United States, where Presidential no-hopeful Rick Santorum has declared the female uterus part of the Axis of Evil, and also in Russia, where a severe case led to Vladimir Putin declaring he had an electoral mandate.

Peter Mandelson was oleaginous for comment.

BREAKING: God to Sue Catholic Church

'The Diary' has received exclusive information that God, the reclusive titular head of most organised religions worldwide, has today launched legal action against the Roman Catholic Church.

The suit, filed in the names of J Hova, his son and a nebulous H Ghost of no fixed address, is believed to be the first of its kind where an individual has filed a class-action suit in the names of his multiple personalities.

The Diary has exclusively seen the text of the legal action, which demands damages from the Catholic Church for 'misrepresentation of a Deity figure, His Teachings and His attitude and cites a number of acts taken in His name including the First, Second and Third Crusades and the appointment of the current Pontiff, His Heiliness Obergruppenfuhrer Von Benedict XVI.

However, the event that finally prompted God, immortal, into legal action was an article by Cardinal Keith O'Brien, Britain's most senior religious transvestite, calling same-sex marriage 'madness' and 'a grotesque subversion of a universally accepted human right'.

God's spokesangel, Mr Bernard Bush, attacked the comments and explained the reasoning behind the legal action, saying, "God is being utterly misrepresented here by organised religion in general, and the Catholic Church in this matter in particular. God is a being of love, and gave love to all mankind, irrespective of where any human wishes to insert his genitalia. Altarboys excepted. That really pisses God off, we've got special plans for those priests."

Mr Bush added, "marriage is marriage, love is love. You lot, despite all your screwups, were created in His image and homosexuality is part of His plan. I mean, you *know* He moves in mysterious ways, right? Right? And yet you spout from some section of a 1700-year-old book like it's gospel or something, ignoring the bits where it also bans bowl haircuts, polyester and shellfish. Enough's enough."

The Catholic Church is expected to defend its position on business grounds, pointing out that tolerance is unlikely to pay the bills on the huge number of vastly-expensive lands and properties they own around the globe.

A separate case by God against the Islamic faith, challenging the use of suicide bombers in His name, was rejected by the European Court of Human Rights. In their decision, they pointed out that while they broadly supported the case against blowing shit up in the name of Allah without checking with Him first, the Court did not have jurisdiction to handle submissions by immortal, omnipotent Supreme Beings. Mr Hova was advised to take his case instead to his local Small Claims Court.

Ed Miliband was adenoidal for comment.

Roasting For One: Crazy or Crazy Delicious?

Published on 'Fabulous Foodie' 15/5/2011

To do justice to food as the most wide-ranging and personal of subjects, I needed additional voices to chime in. I asked dungeekin so he would make me one of the fabulous roasts he discusses below. My plan is working ’cause I’ve been eating awfully well as a result. — Deb.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The topic of solo activities has been weighing upon my mind recently, given that it will be another nine days before I am back again at the dining-table of my beloved. And by ‘solo activities’, for the more earthily-minded among you, I am of course referring to cooking for one.

Specifically, Sunday roasts when cooking for one.

Sunday roasts, with all the trimmings, are of course a British tradition. They’re as much a part of the English way of life as the Queen, substandard dentistry and constant drizzle. Yet when I mentioned on Twitter that I was planning to treat myself to a Sunday roast – alone – the news was met with a degree of surprise.

It seems that many people view cooking a roast (especially if they’re on their own) as hard work – a great deal of effort on a day of rest. And this surprises me, because it isn’t. Really, honestly, it isn’t hard work at all.

A tempting roast dinner – with all the glorious kitchen smells that brings, and the dopey satedness that follows its eating – is actually staggering simple. It’s ‘fire and forget’ food – with a few minutes thought and pre-planning, you can have a juicy roast on the table with luscious accompaniments in two hours – of which, despite impressions, you’ve only had to do about 30 minutes’ work.

It’s true, honest.

I wrote a roast chicken recipe some time ago which outlines the concept, however in order to prove my point I’m going to tell you what I cooked for myself tonight. It was good. More importantly, it was easy, which is a priority when cooking alone. And if you follow this, you’ll have a juicy roast on the table inside two hours, with less work than you’d need to cook a risotto.

Roast Pork, Roast Potatoes, Broccoli, Fried Leeks & Mushrooms.

This will serve one with leftovers (if, like me, you like raiding the fridge for a cold roast potato) or two easily enough.

You’ll need:

• 1kg pork shoulder with the skin on (for crackling);
• Either 4 large or 8 smaller potatoes (floury King Edwards are good for roasting, but you can use whatever);
• 1 head of broccoli;
• 2 large leeks;
• Butter, sea salt, olive oil, black pepper;
• Onion gravy granules (remember, this is a quick job, so it’s not cheating).

Put the oven on. HIGH (250C is good). Boil the kettle. Chuck a good lug of olive oil into a roasting dish.

Once the oven’s up to temperature, put the pork on a plate in the sink. Pour the boiling water over the skin, and watch it start to crinkle. Pat it dry (carefully), drizzle it with a little olive oil and season with lots of salt and black pepper. Pop it in the roasting dish, skin up, and chuck it in the oven. Set the timer for 20 minutes – this is the initial ‘sizzle’.

Peel and chop (if necessary) your potatoes, and pop them in a saucepan of salted water to parboil.

Go and watch TV for 20 minutes, there’s nothing you can do right now.

When the timer goes, go and turn the heat on the oven down to 170-180C, and reset the timer for 30 minutes. Carefully take the potatoes out of their boiling water, set them aside and turn off the heat on the saucepan – you’ll need that water later, so keep hold of it. Go back to the TV for the remaining time.

Thirty minutes later, when the oven goes ‘ping’ – take out the roasting dish, pop in the potatoes, and give them a careful flip or two to cover them in the oil and meat fat. Back in the oven – set the timer again, this time for 40 minutes. Pour yourself a glass of wine, and return to your scheduled afternoon viewing….

Seriously, you’ve done maybe ten minutes work and there’s now nothing else you can do for almost an hour. Leave everything alone.

Once the 40 minutes is up, you have 15 minutes of business ahead (ish). First, take the pork out of the oven, then carefully remove the skin, and wrap the pork in foil to relax while you finish your meal. Pop the crackling back on a shelf in the oven, so it carries on drying and crisping up.

Turn on the heat under the saucepan you used earlier, and heat some butter and olive oil in a frying pan. Put some gravy granules in a jug.

Chop as much broccoli as you need, and chuck it into the saucepan. Chop the leeks and mushrooms, and put them in the frying pan Cook until the leek and mushroom mix, and the broccoli, are both tender, then simply turn the heat off under both pans, and drain the water from the broccoli straight into the gravy mix, and stir.

Unwrap your meat, carve. Turn off the oven, take out the potatoes and the crackling. Add everything to the plate. Serve. Eat.

Now, seriously, how hard was that? You have a perfect Sunday roast, leftovers to nibble on, and the sense of replete achievement that comes with a meal most people seem to think is ‘hard work’.

Though of course if you’re on your own, you do have to do the washing-up . . .

The Physics Of Coffee Mugs Explained

When you need it most it's in the smallest mug....

So I noticed today that the lovely Gotham Girl was asking one of those deep philosophical questions that go to the very heart of our existence here in the Universe:

"Why are all coffee mugs so small? or do they just feel that way when one hasn't had enough coffee?"

Well, it's been a long time since my PhD in Applied & Theoretical Caffeination, but I can still recall the basics and so, in the interest of Bringing Science To The Masses, permit me to explain the phenomenon.

It's a noted scientific fact that the mug size decreases in inverse proportion to the need for coffee, due to quantum irregularities. The phenomenon was first noted by Isaac Newton, in fact, who was in dire need of a triple espresso after an unfortunate apple-related incident left him lying flat on his front for three weeks. However, while his work on mug size led directly to both his Laws of Bowel Motions and a severe case of caffeine withdrawal, he was unable to explain the reason for the events he observed.

Many people believe that the breakthrough in understanding the coffee/cup/need relationship was best postulated in Folger's Caffeine Uncertainty Principle, which reputedly came to the great man after a heavy night on the Jack Daniels. The Principle states that because the act of needing coffee changes the quantum state of the coffee itself simply by being present, we can either know how much coffee is in the mug or how good it tastes - but not both. A purist would, of course, note the fundamental contradiction inherent within the Caffeine Uncertainty Principle, though lack of space prevents me explaining it here. However, many in the field now agree that Folger would have produced a better Principle had he not been hungover when he postulated all over the page.

However, some caffeticians believe that this Universal question can better be explained by the groundbreaking work of none other than Albert Einstein in his 1918 General Theory Of Javativity, which states that:

c = √Ne

where c= cup size, N= need for a brew and e= The Eurgh Constant*, brought about by not having coffee and believed to be the largest 'real number in existence**.

Now clearly, I don't have to tell you that Einstein's theory leaves significant gaps for the thinking caffetician. The theorem makes no allowance, for example, for the significant effects of spacetime on the surface area of a cappucino, for example, which many believe was Einstein's greatest error (after his choice of hairdresser).

That said, Einstein could not have been expected to predict the later work of Professor Maxwell House of Princeton, who proved that coffee exists in multiple quantum states, acting like both a wave, a particle and a good smack around the ears at the same time, and whose seminal work (thankfully just missing his mocha when he released it) on Latte Theory is still being studied for both insight and any sense at all.

So you can see from just this simple primer that the question has taxed some of the finest minds in history, and we still have much to learn about the physics of the coffee mug. However, mine is now empty so I shall refill it before it reduces to subatomic size. Join me next week, when we'll be investigating the theological schisms caused by Marmite sandwiches through history.


* This footnote intentionally left blank.

** The Eurgh Constant is defined as the square of the cube of the likelihood of you getting a kick in the teeth if you don't bring me a double espresso right now, multiplied by the Fine Structure Constant and divided by the number you first thought of. Plus 42, obviously. The equation is çɞʧE³. You're welcome.

Dun Geekin is Syphilitus Professor of Coffee Sciences at St Arbucks University. He holds a PhD in Pure and Applied Caffeinetics from Javard, a BArista in Theoretical Wiredness from Costa College, and a 10-yard swimming certificate.

Protests Over Libya No-Fly Zone

Gaddaffi: "Just needs something to cuddle."

The Stop The War Coalition have called for immediate demonstrations against UK 'warmongering', in the wake of the decision to impose a No-Fly Zone over Libya to protect democracy campaigners.

The news follows an announcement by the Libyan regime that they will cease all military action in response to the UN Security Council Resolution, returning instead to slaughtering their citizens by more traditional covert methods.

A spokesman for the group, which opposes military action by Western powers absolutely anywhere while remaining resolutely silent on international massacres by dictators worldwide, said that the imposition of the No-Fly Zone was 'purely political' and that the Nasty Evil West should not be allowed to stop Uncle Muammar from murdering as many of his citizens as he chose.

The spokesman said, "to stop progressive democratic leaders such as Muammar Gaddafi from brutally suppressing public revolt would be a violation of international sovereignty and, of course, we all know that actually Gaddafi is just a misunderstood soul who was very kind to his mother, until he had her shot for sedition. Just ask George Galloway.

"Besides, if the West does nothing we can watch the massacres live on TV and that gives us something else to ineffectually wring our hands about, rather than standing up for what is morally right and sanctioned, in this case, by international law."

The STWC said that they planned to promote other means to stop genocide in defence of tyranny, including a campaign to send a planeload of kittens to the Libyan leader, who as far as they're concerned just needs something to cuddle.

In related news, the Yemeni and Bahraini governments continue to shoot protesters dead in the streets, while UN diplomats have taken an extended lunchbreak to have a self-congratulatory circle jerk.

UN Acts On Libya Crisis

United Nations: A long history of hoping problems will go away if ignored.

The world was completely unsurprised last night when, in accordance with history, tradition and convention, diplomats at the League Of Nations United Nations actually got around to making a decision once it was too late for it actually to matter.

The UN Security Council last night voted 10:5 - a startling degree of unanimity from the traditionally divided talking-shop - to send a polite note to Colonel Muammar Genocide of Libya asking him nicely if he wouldn't mind stopping slaughtering absolutely everyone in his country.

Experienced UN-watchers expressed surprise at so strong and quick a decision from the Security Council, coming as it did just a few days after Colonel Genocide made a start on slaughtering absolutely everybody in his country.

A UN spokesman in New York said, "Security Council 173 sends a strong message to Colonel Genocide that the United Nations will, as we always have, sit and do precisely fuck-all until forced, at which point we will respond with the full force of the minimum we can get away with."

BBC UN Correspondent Mark Mardybum said, "while the severity of this UN decision is extremely surprising, the actual time it took to make it is completely normal . The UN has a long tradition of appeasement, disunity in the face of massacres and, of course, hoping that if they ignore a problem for long enough it will go away before they have to interrupt lunch to do something about it."

The Security Council resolution also threatens the imposition of a No-Fly-Zone over Libya, which is expected to be patrolled by the UK, who are believed to have as many as two aircraft available at present and no aircraft carriers, and the French, who have already surrendered. Arab League countries, who requested the imposition of a no-fly-zone last week, will not be using any of the new, shiny F-15s and F-16s they've been buying in hundreds from the US with petrodollars, as these are needed to brutally suppress their own internal calls for democracy.

Independent observers estimate that by the time aircraft are on station, Colonel Genocide will have completed his operations, bombed Benghazi flat, and the population of Libya will consist of the Colonel himself, his son Sadist Al-Genocide, their respective wives and the Colonel's pet camel Fred.

Neville Chamberlain was unavailable for comment.

UK Government Plays Down Nuclear Power Fears

Fukushima: activists say earthquake and tsunami prove nuclear power should be banned.

As the nuclear crisis in Japan continues, the UK Government has sought to play down safety fears about planned UK nuclear plants.

The reactors at Japan's Fukushima site have suffered explosions and coolant problems since the devastating earthquake and subsequent tsunami hit the region last week, and UK activists have called for an urgent moratorium on the UK's use of atomic power stations in the wake of the disaster.

Activist Sally Dumbcow, of pressure group Use Any Disaster To Push Our Agenda (UADTPO) said, "it is clear that events in Japan show that nuclear power is a deadly evil. If the Fukushima reactors could not withstand the sixth-largest earthquake in recorded history plus the impact of several billion tons of saltwater travelling at close to the speed of sound, then what chance does it have in the unstable environment of the UK? Nuclear power will clearly devastate the planet and cause genetic mutations unto the third generation. And stuff. Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children?"

However, Energy Minister Chris Huhne sought to play down the fears of UADTPO and other pressure groups, insisting that UK nuclear plants will be fully safe.

Mr Huhne said, "I want to reassure the public that the UK's reactors will be completely safe. They will be built to the highest-possible standards, and the lowest possible tender, using Britain's finest engineering firms, like the ones who built the Millenium Bridge in London to exacting rigidity levels.

"Our plans ensure that sites will be able to withstand all the extremes that Britain can throw at them, including heavy frosts, persistent drizzle and temperatures of up to 80 degrees centigrade at least one day per year. As for seismic events - our structural engineers assure the Department of Energy that the corrugated iron planned for the reactor vessels will comfortably withstand earthquakes up to a magnitude of 0.7, and tsunami up to a wave height of almost six inches. This is British Engineering at its finest, how much safer do you want?"

Your correspondent contacted award-winning Professor Brian Cox - who knows everything - for comment, and in a statement he confirmed that those arguing against nuclear power in the UK should perhaps read his book explaining plate tectonics.

Midsomer Murders Team Make Cast Changes

Midsomer Multicultural: DCI Barnaby may appear in blackface in future episodes.

The producers of ITV crime drama Midsomer Murders have announced sweeping cast changes in an attempt to stave off criticism of the lack of ethnic diversity in the show.

The outcry over the lack of non-white characters in the popular series has led the producer, Brian True-May, to confirm that he would make significant changes to 'reflect the multicultural nature of small English villages'.

Speaking to an emergency meeting of the Commission For Racial Equality, he said, "I don't want people to think I'm racist at all. I'm not, and obviously some of my best friends are ethnics. So I plan to bring the viewing public my vision and experience of the multicultural Cotswold village in future episodes."

Mr True-May added, "I will bring to bear all my knowledge of black and ethnic-minority culture to the series, and in doing so I believe I'll dispel these accusations of racism in the Midsomer world."

The upcoming series, which is to be co-produced by Jim Davidson, will see the character of DCI Barnaby replaced with a wisecracking Rastafarian detective who wears a big striped hat and says, "Ooooooooooooookay" repeatedly. Rumours that the character may be played by John Nettles in blackface remain unconfirmed.

Midsomer Norton is to be replaced by Midsomer Projects, a sink estate with rampant gun-battles between police, Crips and Bloods overspilling into the peaceful surrounding villages which are of course solely occupied by white, upper-class families and their servants.

Upcoming plots are said to include a series of mysterious murders over crack-dealing territory in Newton Magna, a riot during a rap battle at Ford Florey Village Hall, and the shooting of the Asian shopkeeper by a gangbanger in Morton Shallows.

In other news, producers of 'Neighbours' confirmed that they were considering cast changes to offset complaints that non-Australians were under-represented, and US hit show 'The Fresh Prince' will be banned from all UK terrestrial channels.

The Diary has learned that Equalities Minister Theresa May is to make an Emergency Statement to MPs on the issue of under-representation of ethnic minorities in a not-very-good TV crime drama, because of course there is nothing more important going on anywhere in the world right now.

Scotland Skipper Announces Six Nations Changes

A rare photo of Scotland skipper Gregor Townsend without his zimmer frame.

Scotland rugby captain Gregor Townsend has announced surprise changes to the side to lose to face the might of England in Sunday's Six Nations clash at Twickenham tomorrow.

Townsend, who is Scotland's most-capped player and who celebrates his 75th birthday tomorrow by leading his team onto the field, made the changes to the starting 15 in an attempt to end their 28-year wait for a victory over England at Twickenham.

Townsend said, "we know that we're going into this match as underdogs - and, of course, we've lost all our matches this Six Nations whle England are undefeated. But I believe that we can win, and by bringing new blood into the side we can introduce new elements of dynamism. I know we can win - at least, when I'm not taking the medication I know we can win."

Townsend announced that St. Jude, Patron Saint of Hopeless Causes, is to come into the side at full-back, in an attempt to bring some luck to the back line. St Jude, who has been playing for Harlequins in recent seasons, is expected to provide at least one other person as deluded as Townsend in the Scotland XV.

The corpse of William Wallace also joins the starting lineup at prop forward, with Townsend pointing out that Wallace will need propping up due to being dead. However, Townsend added that he felt Wallace's history of performance against the English would aid in motivating a Scotland side lacking confidence.

The Scotland skipper reportedly tried to make a number of other team changes, but couldn't find a way of declaring Chris Ashton and Jonny WIlkinson Scottish. Other suggested intakes to the side, including Supergran on the left wing and Groundskeeper Willie at blind side, were rejected by the Scottish RFU as being completely imaginary and a figment of the same fevered imagination that believes Scotland have the slightest chance tomorrow.

England coach Martin Johnson was laughing too hard to comment.

'Smokeheads' Review

This review is published on Bookmunch

Smokeheads, by Doug Johnstone
Published by Faber
ISBN 97800-571-26062-1

The author's love of whisky - if not for his characters - shines through. His descriptions of the drams fill your mind with sensations good enough to drink, and are as vivid as his characterisations aren't.

Here's a challenge for you. Design a cliched novel.

The Hero: Thirtysomething Guy trapped in a dead-end job, crippled with insecurity and shyness but with a big TOP SECRET [SUBJECT]-related plan to Become Someone, in which he can only be helped by:

The Rich Friend: millionaire, loudmouth, shallow, brazen, coke-addled, self-absorbed, unfaithful;

The Laid-Back Chilled Friend Who Nobody ACTUALLY Knows That Much About And Whose Mysteriousness Will Hold Secrets That Subsequently Impact The Plot;

The Completely Normal Married Friend Who Will No Doubt Play Little Part In The Upcoming Plot;

And of course before we can get to The Plan, there's the:

Obligatory [SUBJECT]-Related Female Love Interest, for whom our Hero has some unexpressed feelings which of course are reciprocated, bringing him into conflict with:

The Violent Ex-Husband Who Is Also The Local Police Officer And Thus A Law Unto Himself.

A generic plot doesn’t necessarily mean a bad book, though, and as a whisky lover I was keen to visit Islay with Doug Johnstone and see how his characters, stereotypical though they may have been, fared in their travels.

The first problem I ran into with Smokeheads was how unsympathetically Doug Johnstone has defined his lead characters. The main ones, as described above, are all pretty much stereotypical novel characters, yet from an early stage they are characterised so unattractively that it doesn't provide an impetus to nose further into the book and discover their journey.

I think the immediate issue is that while it's good to have a main protagonist that is seeking self-redemption, so that you can HOPE with him through the story - if the character in question is so insecure, unattractive and mired in self-loathing in the first fifty pages it's tough to connect with enough sympathy to WANT him to succeed. If I want unsympathetically-crafted characters with few redeeming features and sufficient bad ones to make me dislike them from very early on - I'll watch an episode of Eastenders.

The plot itself was indeed pretty thin and, sadly, lacked any sort of true buildup, going straight from one issue with the ‘smokeheads’ straight into the main thrust of the story, which was essentially a generic ‘group being pursued by crazy person’ theme. It was made even less believable by one of the protagonists who, despite a large chunk of Audi embedded in his torso and significant blood loss, still found both time and energy to make smart-alec remarks every second or third paragraph. And as I’ve already mentioned, by the time I reached that point in the book I didn’t like the main characters enough to want them to prevail. I kept hoping the Generic Bad Guy would catch and kill them, bringing the book to an end.

There’s also the jump to consider, from a book about dreams of personal redemption to violent action thriller. This could have been a fantastic twist from one genre to another, but the flatness of the writing and the characters meant it lacked the impact it could have had. It also didn’t help that Johnstone telegraphed the upcoming violence like a punch from a drunken Glaswegian.

Johnstone’s action sequences, while pacy, are so lacking in description that they simply blur, leaving the reader hard-pressed to follow what’s going on. A good sequence should allow you ‘see’ the action on a mental cinema screen – the amount of dialogue and the speed in which everything passed, combined with limited visual cues or description, made that extremely difficult and added to the lack of interest in the plot.

Another disappointment was the lack of colour to the landscape and descriptions. As with the characters, Doug Johnstone has largely ignored the imagery of the Scottish islands, leaving you with little sense of the geography or the breathtaking beauty of the area. It could have therefore been set anywhere, from the Highlands to an Edinburgh council estate, with little difference to the story itself.

What kept me reading this to the finish, despite my absolute and immediate dislike of the characters and most of the writing, was the love that shone through from Johnstone for the true hero of the story - whisky. Johnstone describes his whiskies with a zest, passion and colour that his humans can't hope to compete with, bringing an occasional beauty to the prose that would otherwise be missing.

I can’t help feeling that Doug Johnstone likes whisky considerably more than he likes people – a sentiment I can fully agree with. However, given this he probably shouldn’t have written a novel, and instead should have focused on bringing us a whisky-tasting manual – which would, I can guarantee, have been more excitingly and colourfully written and undoubtedly a more enjoyable read than Smokeheads.

Don't Expect Any Funnies Today

This has struck closer to home, this time around, than it may previously have done.

My thoughts are with those affected by this tragedy.

The 'Not A Banker' Who Broke The Bank...

It appears that 'Fred The Shred' has thrown himself unto the Courts,
And used legal precedent, to disguise the fact he’s bent
And the Judges did decree he’s not a banker any more,
And to call him by this term they did prevent,
Yes to call him by the term they did prevent,

Though he robbed the shareholders all along,
It just makes you want to swear,
And it really isn’t fair,
That this venal millionaire,
Left his banking customers high and dry,
And now his guilt he would defy,
He’s the man that broke the bank just east of Glasgow!

To deny he was a banker is just pointless double-talk,
We were all left so aghast at the money he’d amassed,
And he pocketed his Pension with the keenness of a hawk,
Now he wants his sins all hidden in the past,
Yes he wants his sins all hidden in the past,

Though he robbed the shareholders all along,
It just makes you want to swear,
And it really isn’t fair,
That this venal millionaire,
Left his banking customers high and dry,
And now his guilt he would defy,
He’s the man that broke the bank just east of Glasgow!

So Sir Fred has his injunction but the truth we all can tell,
It’s a steaming pile o’poo, for the good that it will do,
We will STILL call him a banker, he can go to fuckin’ Hell,
He can scream ‘contempt of court’, what can they do,
When a million people shout out that it’s true?

Though he robbed the shareholders all along,
It just makes you want to swear,
And it really isn’t fair,
That this venal millionaire,
Left his banking customers high and dry,
And now his guilt he would defy,
He’s the man that broke the bank just east of Glasgow!

France Recognises Libyan Rebels

The French flag flies over their Mission in Tripoli this morning.

French diplomats have confirmed today that they have recognised the Libyan rebel leadership, the National Libyan Council, as the country's legitimate Government.

In a statement released this morning, a spokesman for the office of President Knickerless Sarkozy said, "France has a duty and a responsibility to meet its international obligations, and to maintain its worldwide diplomatic presence. We recognise the bravery and determination of the NLC in staving off the yoke of Gadaffi's oppression, and their courage in taking up arms for freedom."

"The Government of France therefore announces its unconditional surrender to the National Libyan Council. Here, take my daughter. Just don't hurt us, please!", before running off to hide under his bed.

The French Embassy in Tripoli is now reported to be flying the country's traditional white flag, and negotiations are under way for the NLC, currently running eastern Libya from a garden shed in Benghazi, to take over the Elysee Palace in Paris.

The news is the latest in France's capitulations to Middle-Eastern democracy campaigners, and follows their recent unconditional surrender to a homeless Algerian with a big dog in Marseilles last week.

General De Gaulle was unavailable for comment.

Government Introduce New Solar Power Initiative

Cameron & Hague: "combined forehead surface area the size of the Isle of Wight"

As the crisis in the Middle East continues, the Government has announced new measures to reduce the UK's reliance on fossil fuels in the face of rising oil prices.

With the price of oil still rising and the cost of a barrel of crude now at $105, the Department of Energy & Climate change said that 'immediate measures' were necessary to offset the cost and make greater use of renewable sources.

Secretary of State for Energy, Chris Huhne, said, "as the situation in the Middle East remains fluid, it is essential that we investigate all other avenues for energy generation, reducing and removing our reliance on old oil-fired power stations. Therefore, with immediate effect we will be placing solar panels on the vast foreheads of Prime Minister David Cameron and Foreign Secretary William Hague."

Mr Huhne added, "the huge surface-area of their combined heads will allow for an area of photoelectric cells equivalent to a land mass the size of the Isle Of Wight, fully dedicated to providing power to the National Grid and allowing us to remove up to six oil-fired power stations from the UK inventory. This will have a significant impact on the UK meeting its carbon-emissions targets under the Kyoto Accords as well."

Environmental activists have cautiously welcomed the DECC proposal, though they expressed concerns at the use of politicians in the generation of electricity. Hilary Sandalwonk, spokesperson for Gaea's Great, said, "while we can see the benefit in using two massive slapheads as a source of renewable power, care must be taken to ensure that the vacuous pronouncements they make on a regular basis don't spout so much hot air into the atmosphere that it removes the benefit of the CO2 reduction."

Plans to expand the solar project to include Iain Duncan Smith remain unconfirmed, as solar-panel manufacturers have expressed doubts that it is even possible to build sufficient cells to cover his head.

Hague Accepts Responsibility For Failed Libya Mission

A crack UK Special-Ops team prepare for deployment to Libya.

Secretary of State For International Screwups William Hague has said that he takes 'full ministerial responsibility' for a bungled diplomatic mission in Libya which led to British personnel being captured by armed rebels.

More details have been emerging about the reportedly botched mission, which caused six personnel and an intelligence officer to be handcuffed and held for some hours. The personnel have now been released and are aboard HMS Cumberland.

Mr Hague said, "I take full responsibility for authorising the mission. Unfortunately, it was an error on my part. I had meant to call the SAS, but unfortunately I'd had 14 pints and ended up drunk-dialling my constituency Morris-Dancing Society instead. They did the best they could do, under the circumstances."

A spokesman for the Richmond Morris Men said, "obviously we were surprised to receive Mr Hague's call - escorting Intelligence officers isn't normally within our remit. But we had a blank space in the diary, and he said he needed us."

The spokesman added, "the black assault gear was a bit of a problem, but it worked well once we added the bells and traditional hats. However, once the helicopter landed, our problems really began. The Libyan rebels thought our accordion was a dangerous weapon, and the MoD Rules Of Engagement wouldn't let us use the Stick And Bucket Dance, so all we had to defend ourselves with were our white kerchiefs. It kind-of went downhill from there really."

Questions have been asked in Parliament over Mr Hague's decision to employ Morris Men in such a volatile situation, with Labour MP Denis MacShane predictably asking if the Foreign Slaphead had considered his position.

SAS troopers, speaking anonymously about the botched mission, said that had the Morris Men were inadequately equipped and prepared for their risky insertion. One said, "I mean, come on. It sounds like they didn't even have a publishing deal ready for when they got captured. How ill-prepared is that?"

Andy McNab was all-too-available to comment.

Hades Issues Desperate Aid Plea

The UN Disaster Relief Fund has called for urgent action to prevent what it called a 'crisis of unimaginable proportions', after Hell unexpectedly froze over last week.

President Lucifer of Hell has also called on the international community for help, with uncountable souls currently suffering a fifth day of Arctic conditions. Pits of boiling lava have reportedly frozen solid and Charon, the MD of the Hades Ferry Line, has been stranded in the middle of the frozen Acheron River since the crisis started. Almost all the residents of the Upper Circles of Hell are lacking basic winter essentials such as blankets and coats, with many walking barefoot through six-foot snowdrifts.

President Lucifer acknowledged that the UN had been slow to respond due to prior allegations of torture and human soul abuses in Hell, but said, "we simply don't have the infrastructure to handle this. We're sorted for eternal punishments, flaying and Sisyphean tasks, but there's been a chronic lack of investment in the hardware to handle an Ice Age."

The crisis began just after 2100GMT on Wednesday 2 March, when reports indicate that elegant New York socialite @nycdeb accepted a proposal of marriage from @dungeekin, sparking an immediate change in the normally stable climate of the Netherworld. Within hours, blizzards were devastating the normally superheated lava floes, causing significant damage and resulting in delays to the regularly-run Eternal Torture services.

The Disaster Relief Fund is to launch a televised appeal for supplies to aid the stricken Underworld, including coal to keep the torture fires burning, and equipment to build an all-weather Flaying pitch so that normal services within Hell can be continued.

Asked for his thoughts on the events which precipitated the crisis, President Lucifer said, "Utterly thoughtless. Nobody ever suspected that either of those two would get hitched - it would have been a bit bloody chilly here if one of them had done it, but the insensitive buggers had to do it with EACH OTHER. I've got something really special waiting for those two when they get down here, I can tell you."

@Dungeekin was too blissfully happy to comment.

Joking Aside, The Joke's Over.

Normally on November 11, I put up a short poem from one of the War Poets, in Remembrance of those who gave their lives for this country and for the freedoms we enjoy today.

Not today.

Today, in a change from the scheduled programming, I intend instead to be Threatening and Menacing.

Because as well as the services at the Cenotaph, the memorials and the Silences across the country, in Doncaster Crown Court one of those very freedoms for which The Fallen stood was taken away from us.

Freedom to say something idiotic.

Paul Chambers - sensationally and inaccurately described by Pravda as 'Twitter Bomb Hoaxer' - did exactly that last year. For his 140 character moment of idiocy, in which he 'threatened' to 'blow Robin Hood Airport sky-high' he was fined and given a criminal record under Section 127 of the newly-implemented Communications Act 2003, which essentially means that you can't say anything which anybody may consider offensive, threatening, inciteful or slightly naughty in any way, shape, form or format.

Today a judge, defying the very term, showed absolutely no judgement whatsoever and rejected Paul's appeal against his sentence.

Think about that for a moment, Dear Reader. Consider the number of times you've said, "I'll kill him/her", or words to that effect, or joked that you'd like to set fire to your office, or any of the myriad other things British people joke about, in that slightly dark way that has for so many years defined our sense of humour. You haven't done any of it, of course - but congratulations, you're a criminal.

Even the Police officer who interviewed Mr Chambers - and bear in mind, Plod aren't normally a species known these days for their intellect or reasoning capabilities - was satisfied in himself that this was a joking comment made for friends, with no intent, malice or threat. Yet Mr Chambers was still charged. And convicted. And that conviction was upheld. A life destroyed in a sentence by those who would destroy all our lives, by denying us the ability to make a tactless joke.

I gave serious thought today to retiring completely, and deleting this blog from the Internet. After all, over the last few years I've impaled, flayed, immolated and generally threatened and abused whichever sub-order of Humanity had that day incurred The Wrath Of Dungeekin. And that includes Greater Manchester Police. I haven't done any of it, of course - but I might have done. And it only takes one humourless troll in that septic tank of humourless trolls - the Crown Prosecution Service - to decide that I might do it, or that it was Threatening and Menacing, to land me in front of some moronic, out-of-touch beak trying desperately to defend my words.

Then I thought. And I decided. NO, I will not delete this blog because the previous Government wanted to stifle freedom of expression and the current Government is too spineless to repeal a dangerous and overly-prescriptive law. No, I will not stop putting people on spikes, setting them on fire and dismembering them in interesting ways to satisfy their desire to sanitise and homogenise society until nobody can take offence at anything, ever. Most of all, I will NOT stop having a sense of humour, and saying extreme things that make people with a brain laugh.

The Fallen died for the right to Freedom of Expression. Who are the Government and the Judiciary to take that away from us, and replace it with nothing?

I believe, in fact, that the people I'd like to blow sky-high the most right now are in the Crown Prosecution Service. I'd also like to set fire to the humourless fuckwits in Greater Manchester Police who even put a file forward to the CPS, and I have special plans involving boiling oil and a half-dozen rabid weasels for the moron so-called Judge who upheld the 'conviction' today.

Am I joking?

And if you're a Blogger and you're reading this - firstly I hope you've donated to the #twitterjoketrial fund, and secondly I hope you'll join me in being as Threatening and Menacing as possible to the senseless, gormless cretins who drafted, imposed and enforced this travesty of law. Let's blog as many threats as we can, and blow the whole fucking thing sky-high.