Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Monday, March 26, 2012

EXCLUSIVE: Tables Of Power - A Diary Investigation

The row over the 'cash for access' allegations took a more serious turn tonight, with The Diary able to provide exclusive evidence that other senior figures in the Coalition and Opposition parties have also been hawking their dubious conversational skills around the rich and powerful of the nation.

In an exclusive sting operation by our exclusive roving reporter Dun Geekin, The Diary was able to gain seats at the dining tables* of many influential and powerful politicians, often for much less than the £250,000 paid by so many wealthy** Tory Party donors.

Posing as billionaire dung broker Simon Cowell, your fearless reporter contacted the assistants of various leading political figures, offering promises of donations in return for dinner dates and influence over policy, and the results make for shocking reading.

Liberal Democrat leader and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said that he would offer, "the fullest influence at my disposal - but at a price commensurate with that power and influence", before offering a seat at his exclusive dinner for £7.50 and a packet of Skittles.

We were able to arrange lunch, and the chance to ensure a question of our choice was tabled by 'a tame MP' at PMQ's by Deputy Squeaker John Bercow, for just £5,000 - but he made the proviso that we had to help tuck his high-chair in.

Your brave reporter did attempt to arrange a lunch with Conservative (very) heavy-hitter Eric Pickles, but were forced to abandon the attempt when the Secretary of State for communities attempted to eat his arm.

London Mayoral candidate Ken Livingstone offered a 'working breakfast and the chance to shoot the Jew of your choice' for £20,000 in non-sequential bills paid to his company for tax reasons.

In all cases, The Diary's reporter made his excuses and left, rather than influence policy to the point that the politicos actually did something sensible for once in their miserable lives.

However, just after our sting operation ended we were contacted directly by 'Little Red' Ed Millipede, who offered to let us write the entire Labour Manifesto if we'd just give him a cuddle and tell him we actually liked him. Our reporter declined.

The dossier of our investigation, and the shocking case of access to politicians and influence for money, has been passed to Rupert Murdoch who was probably in need of a good laugh.

*Apart from John Prescott, who uses a trough and who'd eaten all the food before your reporter arrived.
** And mindless.

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1 comment:

bill said...

the never ending circle

why do people always try to make out corruption is a new thing this kind of bribery has been going on for years. most poloticans join a political party because their practicley unemployable. not because they want to do us any favours,
their in polotics for what they can get out of it.
not because of what they want to put into it. how to make prime miniser have an eton oxford education do anything to please your master tell lies whenever possible serve one or two terms in office then retire to the lords