Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Friday, March 18, 2011

UN Acts On Libya Crisis

United Nations: A long history of hoping problems will go away if ignored.

The world was completely unsurprised last night when, in accordance with history, tradition and convention, diplomats at the League Of Nations United Nations actually got around to making a decision once it was too late for it actually to matter.

The UN Security Council last night voted 10:5 - a startling degree of unanimity from the traditionally divided talking-shop - to send a polite note to Colonel Muammar Genocide of Libya asking him nicely if he wouldn't mind stopping slaughtering absolutely everyone in his country.

Experienced UN-watchers expressed surprise at so strong and quick a decision from the Security Council, coming as it did just a few days after Colonel Genocide made a start on slaughtering absolutely everybody in his country.

A UN spokesman in New York said, "Security Council 173 sends a strong message to Colonel Genocide that the United Nations will, as we always have, sit and do precisely fuck-all until forced, at which point we will respond with the full force of the minimum we can get away with."

BBC UN Correspondent Mark Mardybum said, "while the severity of this UN decision is extremely surprising, the actual time it took to make it is completely normal . The UN has a long tradition of appeasement, disunity in the face of massacres and, of course, hoping that if they ignore a problem for long enough it will go away before they have to interrupt lunch to do something about it."

The Security Council resolution also threatens the imposition of a No-Fly-Zone over Libya, which is expected to be patrolled by the UK, who are believed to have as many as two aircraft available at present and no aircraft carriers, and the French, who have already surrendered. Arab League countries, who requested the imposition of a no-fly-zone last week, will not be using any of the new, shiny F-15s and F-16s they've been buying in hundreds from the US with petrodollars, as these are needed to brutally suppress their own internal calls for democracy.

Independent observers estimate that by the time aircraft are on station, Colonel Genocide will have completed his operations, bombed Benghazi flat, and the population of Libya will consist of the Colonel himself, his son Sadist Al-Genocide, their respective wives and the Colonel's pet camel Fred.

Neville Chamberlain was unavailable for comment.

Stumble Upon Toolbar


Anonymous said...

Newsflash: The entire French air force, on its way to bomb Tripoli, decided to land outside Gaddafi's bunker at the Lybian air force HQ, without having launched their attack.

Apparently French Wing Commander Napoleon de Chirac, commander, thought that he saw a plain white flag flying above the airfield, and decided that it would be inappropriate to bomb French territory.

Or something.

Anonymous said...

Upon landing, the pilots were surprised when, walking towards a building with people behind barred windows holding banners "freedom" and "do you duty", there was no duty free olive oil available.

When Libyan soldiers came and removed the pilots from the airfield, one pilot was injured when he tried to grab a bayonet from a soldiers rifle. Apparently the Frenchman, never having seen armed troops in France, wanted to use the blade to cut his cheese, and the soldier got irate at the Frenchmans offer to trade his bayonet for some cognac and some pork pate.

All was well later, however, when Gadaffi awarded the Frenchmen a medal for their bravery, which they promptly traded for rent boys services in the local souq.

Or something.

Anonymous said...

Upon examining the canisters underslung the French aircraft wings, the Libyans discovered them to contain leaflets equally balanced between those claiming that the French will never hurt them, and surrender is OK; and those consisting of pre-prepared oil and infrastructure contracts with French companies.

Anonymous said...

"The French only win wars when the US and UK do most of the fighting" - will it be true once again ?