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Monday, November 05, 2012

Romney Promises Wealth Redistribution

"How much tax do I pay? This much, folks!"

As the US Presidential campaign entered its last frenetic hours, Republican candidate Mitt Romney has insisted that his Presidency will be 'the party of fairness', and spoken in more detail on his fiscal plans.

 Speaking at a public meeting in New Hampshire, Mr Romney stressed the accessibility of his campaign, pointing out that the attendees at his stump speech had only had to pay $15,000 each and provide documentary evidence of their ancestry, religion and net worth before being permitted to cheer for their candidate.

 Mr Romney said, "I know that in these times of financial hardship, caused by President Obama and his wars in Iraq and Afghanistan - it WAS him, honest -  fairness and wealth-creation is important for all. I want people to understand that as President, I will ensure the proper redistribution of wealth in this great nation of ours".

A briefing document provided by campaign staffers to attendees outlined the details of Mr Romney's budget plans, and offered the first clear policy statement on the candidate's much-vaunted wealth-redistribution scheme. Methods to be used by a Romey administration include the institution of an 80% basic rate of income tax on all people earning less than $10m per year, with the proceeds being used to fund a 0% rate of tax on billionaires and increased funding for Halliburton, Bain Capital and Congresssional pension funds.

A Romney campaign aide pointed out that the proposed budget move would have "a net positive impact on jobs", with the resultant collapsing businesses meaning more jobs were created in China, creating a further budget boost for the Romney Cayman Islands Account economy.

Further policies allowing the forcible repatriation of anyone who can't trace their ancestry back to 1776 (with a politician exemption clause), the introduction of a $0 minimum wage on non-white and women workers, and a new hunting permit allowing those owning two or more companies to legally hunt gays and bisexuals, are expected to be published immediately after the Inuaguration, with a new 'Woman's Place In The Home' Bill, mandating the use of the Scolds Bridle and near-continuous pregnancy, expected in early 2014.

 To rapturous applause, Mr Romney told his attendees, "We need to make America great again. To take it back to a time of fairness - when the rich got what they deserved, and the American masses had rights and freedom. Real freedom, folks. Freedom to die on the streets or in their homes as long as they'd outlived their usefulness. Freedom to contract septicaemia from illegal back-street abortions, to suffer agonies from untreated, unaffordable healthcare conditions. Freedom to be beaten to death for their their colour, creed or sexuality. Freedom to aspire to own a car while you wash mine for me. Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to make me richer."

 "We need to redistribute the wealth - share it fairly, taking it away from the feckless who simply use their salaries to feed their families, and restore that stolen wealth to those of us who can invest it properly in offshore bank accounts and foreign wars and oil exploration. That's what made America great, and I will bring those halcyon days of robber-baron feudalism back."

 Current polling indicates that the Presidential race is deadlocked, largely due to the Republican party owning all the voting machines. Polling takes place on Tuesday 6 November, with the results of the election due sometime in 2013 when all the voter-suppression laws have been challenged in the courts.

Donald Trump's wig was unavailable for comment.

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1 comment:

Furor Teutonicus said...

So. The choice between two commy bastards.