The Government has announced a raft of radical new policies aimed at protecting people from destructive habits, in an attempt to cut down on what has been described as an 'epidemic of problem behaviour'.
The move follows the announcement of a consultation into the minimum-pricing of alcohol to curb the recent growth in people going out and enjoying themselves in the approach to Christmas. The research was welcomed by the Government but the findings were felt not to go far enough.
Department of Health spokesman, Mr T Grinch, said, "for too long now we have seen people enjoying themselves, and spending money on themselves that should, quite rightly, be going towards the important things for the country. The things that matter. Things like payoffs for incompetent public-sector bosses and MP's expenses funds."
"The fact is", Mr Grinch added, "you people simply can't be trusted to be responsible with your money, and insist on giving it to businesses and spending it on your families and frivolous pursuits rather than giving it to the State. So if you can't be grown-up about it, then we have to do what is right."
Under the new policy, which comes into place as of Monday 3 December, employers will be required to submit all salary payments directly to HMRC rather than to employees. A new independent regulatory body, the Disbursary Advisory Division (DAD), will then take over the funds once all statutory taxes have been removed, and will make regular payments of a reasonable allowance to each person.
Treasury sources have promised that they will look after any surplus money remaining for each taxpayer, putting both the capital and interest generated to use for what the source described as, "worthy causes. Honest". However, the Treasury insist that the money will be available whenever needed - subject to a detailed business case from the person who wants it, proving that it isn't for anything frivolous like holidays, parties, trendy clothes or that pop music.
A DAD representative said, "there's plenty of wear left in that suit, you don't need a new one. And what do you need more of that loud rubbish for? It's not like there's even a proper tune. Look at you, with your enjoying yourselves and your weekends and your summer holidays in foreign countries. You treat this country like it's a hotel. We'll give you what you need and not a penny more until you can prove to us that you're going to be responsible."
Louise Mensch was, as always, far too keen to comment.
"The fact is", Mr Grinch added, "you people simply can't be trusted to be responsible with your money, and insist on giving it to businesses and spending it on your families and frivolous pursuits rather than giving it to the State. So if you can't be grown-up about it, then we have to do what is right."
Under the new policy, which comes into place as of Monday 3 December, employers will be required to submit all salary payments directly to HMRC rather than to employees. A new independent regulatory body, the Disbursary Advisory Division (DAD), will then take over the funds once all statutory taxes have been removed, and will make regular payments of a reasonable allowance to each person.
Treasury sources have promised that they will look after any surplus money remaining for each taxpayer, putting both the capital and interest generated to use for what the source described as, "worthy causes. Honest". However, the Treasury insist that the money will be available whenever needed - subject to a detailed business case from the person who wants it, proving that it isn't for anything frivolous like holidays, parties, trendy clothes or that pop music.
A DAD representative said, "there's plenty of wear left in that suit, you don't need a new one. And what do you need more of that loud rubbish for? It's not like there's even a proper tune. Look at you, with your enjoying yourselves and your weekends and your summer holidays in foreign countries. You treat this country like it's a hotel. We'll give you what you need and not a penny more until you can prove to us that you're going to be responsible."
Louise Mensch was, as always, far too keen to comment.
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