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Thursday, November 29, 2012

All The News (That's Fit To Print)

UK News

In the headlines today, statistics announced by Government show that the Government is the most awesome in living memory. Quality of life has been shown to have improved in every measurable sense.

A spokesman for the Government said, "this is proof that our policies are working and that under this Government life for all will continue to improve.

The statistics themselves have not been released as they have been deemed not in the public interest. A leaked version of the report indicated that █████████████ ██████████*. Government sources have insisted that the statistics are true and valid. In a related development, reports by various charities and independent bodies purporting to contradict the Government statistics have been blocked from publication by the Statutory Regulator. Details of the subsequent prosecutions are expected in the coming days.


The recent alleged scandal involving MP's expenses has been resolved, according to the Parliamentary Standards Committee, after it was deemed that there were no cases to answer.

The Committee confirmed that no rules were broken by MP's in the conduct of their expenses claims and to avoid further misunderstandings, expense claim details would no longer be published. The Committee also reminded the Press of their obligations under the Leveson Rules not to publish anything that had not been approved for publication by the Statutory Regulator.


A man is to appear in court today charged with offences under the Communication Act, after he published material critical of Government policy despite warnings from the Statutory Regulator.

Mr F Nelson, editor of seditious magazine 'The Spectator', faces charges relating to assertions he made in a leader article that the Government was █████████████ ██████████*. The Judge in the case has warned Nelson he faces a lengthy custodial sentence in view of his historic opposition to the Statutory Regulator and its enforcement of a totally free and open Press.


The recent arrest of a political figure in connection with child sexual offences has been made subject to a D-Notice by the Statutory Regulator. The Regulator has confirmed that publishing details relating to this matter would not be in the public interest. The political figure has since returned to work. The Regulator reminds all those involved in the UK's totally free and open Press that attempts to publish details of this or any other political figure allegedly involved in molesting children would breach the Free Press Act 2012.

Culture, Media and Arts

Polly Toynbee of state-owned newspaper Pravda has been awarded the Orwell Prize for Political Journalism. Judges from the Statutory Regulator deemed her piece on the improvement in national quality-of-life since the creation of the Regulator as 'one of the finest pieces of political journalism in our lifetimes, showing why the UK's free and open Press is the best in the world'.


14 people have been arrested across the UK under Section 127 of the Communications Act for making offensive and seditious comments about the Government on Twitter. 

A spokesman for the Statutory Regulator said, "people need to remember - published is published is published. If it's Pravda, Facebook or Twitter it doesn't matter - if it's not approved by the Regulator it's not fit to print, and you'll face the consequences. It's this careful approach that has made the UK's free and open Press the best in the world."


The Government has confirmed that it is assessing the findings of the Second Leveson Inquiry, which focused on the use of speech and thought to commit 'acts that would, if in print, fall foul of the Press Act and Communications Act'. The recommendations have not been published as they have been deemed as not in the public interest by the Statutory Regulator, but are thought to include a legal requirement for the content of all conversations between persons over the age of 16 to be pre-approved by the Statutory Regulator. The issuing of Acceptable Conversation Certificates will be used to enforce the Regulator's powers. There is no information yet available on the proposed penalties for unauthorised conversation. 

A spokesman for the Statutory Regulator confirmed that they are to implement an interim blanket ban on people talking to one another until they can work out the details of the regulatory framework. However, there are no plans to regulate thought at this time, mostly because anyone who thinks State regulation of the Press is a good idea really isn't thinking anyway.

*This content redacted on the instructions of the Statutory Regulator: making the UK's free and open Press the best in the world.

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