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Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Republicans Look to British for Relaunch

"Our Republican future will be to say, with one voice - 'do you want fries with that?'"

Breaking News:

Following Mitt Romney's comprehensive defeat to President Barack Obama in yesterday's Presidential elections, the Republican Party has announced a root and branch review of its platform and prolicies, and The Diary can exclusively reveal that it has enlisted top British political consultants to reshape its brand.

Speaking shortly after Mr Romney's concession speech, a heavily-sedated John Boehner said, "it is clear that we did not approach this election with the right people or the right policies for America, and we have tonight paid the price for that. We must learn from this mistake if we are to regain power and make America great once again."

Mr Boehner added, "If we'd only been firmer in our message, then people wouldn't have voted overwhelmingly for un-American things like equal rights, marijuana and even female politicians. We need to focus our agenda more closely on the things that matter to the American people - the economy, immigration, women's rights and of course the issue of gays and lesbians in our society. Britain has cultural history in these things that we in the GOP cannot ignore, and we have already asked the best minds on the topics to consult with us and help redraft our policies for the run to the 2016 election.

GOP sources including aides to Rush Limbaugh, Todd Akin's legal advisers, the curators of Sarah Palin's brain cell and Donald Trump's psychiatric nurse have confirmed that the Republicans are disappointed that their message to the US electorate was not properly delivered or understood by voters. One spokesman said, "we never should've paid for that useless, godless, liberal East-coast pansy-ass moderate Romney, even though he was rich enough. We need a good old-fashioned God-fearin', gun-totin', wife-beatin' multibillionaire evangelist Christian to show this new-fangled modern liberal America what Republican values truly mean. Then they'll vote for us. Or we'll buy the rest of the voting machines, whatever works."

A leaked internal Republican Party document, obtained by The Diary, has confirmed that deals have already been struck with a number of key political figures and advisers from the UK, including:
  • BNP leader and leading untermensch Nick Griffin will advise on Immigration especially in the key Republican state of Arizona. Mr Griffin is expected to add weight to Arizona legislation making it a capital offence to be in possession of a Hispanic accent. 
  • Radical preacher Toejam Choudhary will advise on women's issues, with a view to ensuring that Republican views on women's rights are fully rounded, especially the stones to throw at any woman who dares leave the kitchen.
  •  Former Prime Ministers Tony Blair and Gordon Brown have been asked to join a working party with President GW Bush, to examine how Republican fiscal policy can repair the damage done by the Obama administration and return to spunking trillions of dollars in defence spending and then hiding it off the books. One spokesman pointed out that the Labour Government's PFI initiatives, which almost concealed some £250bn of spending, was 'an ideal blueprint' for the new fiscal policy.
  • The Republican position on abortion in the case of rape is to be radically revised, taking into account the success of the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy used in the US Forces. A new bill, tentatively entitled 'Keep Your Goddamn Mouth Shut, Harlot' is expected to be published shortly.
Republican sources are reportedly disappointed that they were not able to find a British consultant prepared to argue that the Earth was created by God just a few thousand years ago, but they accepted that nobody in Britain was stupid enough to believe that anyway. However, Archbishop Rowan Williams, the current God-Botherer in Chief of the Anglican Church, is reputed to be considering the role on a part-time basis. 

It is expected that the revised Republican platform should be launched in the coming days to coincide with the launch of the 2016 Presidential election campaigns a week next Tuesday. Pundits at Fox News have confidently predicted a Santorum/Akin ticket for the race, maintaining the GOP tradition of descent into regressive insanity.

Pollster, psychic and preternatural farseer Nate Silver, along with Democrat and centrist think-tanks, have welcomed the Republican announcement and the expected confirmation that the Republican Party will effectively become unelectable for a generation. 

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