Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Please, Fire the Whole Freak Show

So, with tedious inevitability, 'The Apprentice' reappeared on our screens last night.

Channel 4 had something called 'The Man With No Face' which I saw the trailer for - and frankly, even that was less of a freak-show than the appalling cavalcade of wannabees and weirdicans parading themselves for the opportunity to fellate Sir Alan.

Even a cursory glance showed me that odd woman with the bright pink beret - (warning, Fashion Police, pull over); Raif (Ralph? Wraith? whatever) whose hair appeared to be carved from a single piece of finest mahogany, and Alex the straight-talking, straight-shooting Salesdroid with a chip on his shoulder so heavy it might have been fashioned from depleted uranium.

And of course, the speedily-fired Nicholas Denancyboy-Brown-Oliver St. John-Mollusc Smythe F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel.

A man so skilled, so talented, so brilliant that his greatest tragedy was achieving only a 'B' in his A-Level French. A pretentious pseud of such outlandish proportions it was hard to believe he wasn't a plant for some comedic relief.

A trained Barrister with an 'Outstanding' score in his law exam, he dazzled Sir Alan and ourselves with his verbal dexterity in the Boardroom - his sparkling ripostes and stunningly original use of 'like, you know, educated and. . . just rough sales types' was a guaranteed winner in the presence of a self-educated, self-made millionaire.

However, his sharply-honed debating skills were not the height of his talents, which clearly extended to his sartorial elegance.

I mean, what sort of genius intellect thinks, "I know, I'm entering a contest to impress Sir Alan 'no razors' Sugar. I know he's even more old-school than Eton. I know he pulls fewer punches than Tyson.

"I know, I'll impress him with mirrored shades, eyeshadow and pink nail varnish!". Yes, folks, you read that right. Pink. F&%#ing. Nail Varnish. In a job interview.

I reckon he should have been Fired with this:

Seriously though, what's the point of this program? I can understand the first series, when it seemed that people with genuine skills and talent were undergoing a gruelling interview process for a serious role. But now?

These InDUHviduals were defining themselves as Entrepreneurs, European Sales Managers and Barristers, to name but three. One contestant defined herself as 'the best salesperson in Europe'. FFS.

How conceited and arrogant do you have to be to think that people can't see through this self-serving, deluded pile of steaming manure?

I know successful entrepreneurs, sales managers and lawyers. Believe me, they all make enough money to laugh at the 'six-figure salary' on offer at the end of this freakshow.

If any one of these people were half as intelligent, skilled or competent as they believe themselves to be, they would be out there quietly making money for themselves. Instead, they're simply sad wannabe slebs looking for that elusive full-page spread in 'Hello' magazine.

These people consider themselves to be the best of the best - having seen their incredible ability to screw up the simple task of running a fish stall in a market, I think we can safely say that there's absolutely no start to their talents.

Yet the sad thing is, people still watch it. In my case, simply for material, and because it proves my ever-dropping opinions of humans as correct.

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