A Letter to this Morning's Protester

Dear Anonymous Environmental Protester

Firstly, please allow me to offer my heartfelt congratulations for a marvelous act this morning. Your 'gunging' of Lord Mandelson brought a smile to my face, and turned this ordinary Friday into A Good Day.

However, in a spirit of solidarity and comradeship, I do feel honour-bound to offer a small spot of advice for future attempts.

Green custard - yes, I can see the symbolism. But come on - chucking a tin of Birds with a bit of food colouring hardly achieves the potential result, does it? All it does is give the Dark Lord of the Sith a handy snack he can lap up with his forked tongue. Gunge is good, in its place - but this is a protest, not a CBBC game show.

So, please permit me to offer the following suggestions for future dousings:

• Aqua Regis is a mix of concentrated nitric and hydrochloric acid, and even attacks gold. When applying it to Lord Mandelson, please remember to sing the popular hymn 'What A Friend We Have In Regis';
• There are many, many versions of homemade napalm available on the internet. When combined with a simple incendiary - even a simple match - many conflagratory chuckles can be achieved;
• Please do remember, this is not a human being - this is The Dark Lord himself, king of the undead ranks of New Liebore. Consider garlic essence mixed with Holy Water for best results;
• A simple yet effective flamethrower can be made from a simple aerosol can and a lighter - though I do appreciate that you may wish to avoid the environmental impacts of deodorant propellant;
• Finally - if the colour is important, perhaps mixing food colouring with weedkiller to create a highly-toxic 'spray paint' might be an option? You get your point across, and we get the desired result.

So all in all, the Dungeekin Judging Panel has awarded you points as follows:

10 for Style: an excellent attempt, brilliantly getting past his guard for a full-face delivery;
6 for Technical Merit: See my helpful points above for methods to increase your future score;
9 for Execution: You'd have got a full 10 if you'd actually executed the slimy bastard.

Well done. Good try, and I look forward to seeing a steady improvement in methods, materials and maiming in future.

Yours respectfully

Dungeekin

(h/t Old Holborn for the screengrab)