Speaking from his Brazilian waxing appointment, Prime Mincer Gordon Brown announced that the Government is to hold a Jumble Sale in his Kirkcaldy constituency next Tuesday.
Mr Brown said, "it is right that we use all available means to revitalise the economy, and as I've run out of ideas and Mervyn says we can't afford the ink to print any more money this is pretty much all I've got left. The Jumble Sale starts at 2pm on Kirkcaldy Village Green, or in the Village Hall if wet".
The announcement has been met with a positive response from Government ministries. The MoD is donating several sets of slightly-used body armour (which will be right as rain once the bloodstains are removed), and it has been reported that Peerages are to be on sale for as little as 50p. It is expected that the sale could reduce the UK's debt - currently estimated at £2 trillion - by as much as £50.
The Prime Mincer called on all the G20 nations to follow his visionary lead and hold similar sales. However, the suggestion was rejected by Czech President Mirek Topolanek, who pointed out that most of the world's economies weren't as utterly buggered as the UK's.
In related news, the International Monetary Fund has now officially downgraded the UK's credit rating to 'Fucked', as it warned in January. Economic Analyst Lotta Cashcountin said, "quite frankly, we wouldn't recommend lending the UK Government a fiver".