The actions follow the recent campaign by Doctor David Interferingscrote, who described chocolate as 'a major player in the obesity epidemic' facing the UK.
Speaking at the BMA Annual Scottish Conference, Dr Interferingscrote - who started his campaign after his wife and children left him for someone who was less of a miserable, joyless waste of oxygen - had called for chocolate to be subject to taxation, which could be used to fund further campaigns to remove anything people enjoy from life.
Health Secretary Alan Johnson immediately welcomed the report, saying, "anything that makes the Proles more miserable is a good thing, as far as this Government is concerned. And if we can make a few quid in tax, too, well that's good for the old pension pot, isnit?"
Under the new legislation, to be introduced using the Parliament Act in order to prevent debate, chocolate is to be subject to an immediate tax of 40% at the point of sale. All bars of chocolate over 30g are also to carry health warnings, similar to those on cigarette packets, along with pictures of fat people to hammer the point home to the illiterate.
Dr Interferingscrote has now been commissioned by the Goonvernment to carry out an Inquiry to discover everything else that normal human beings actually enjoy once in a while, with a view to either banning or taxing them. Speaking through a bulletproof barrier to protect him from the outraged masses, the doctor welcomed his new role, adding, "I believe it's important that the views of one loveless, lifeless, joyless, soulless fuckwit are taken into account, and used to throttle any semblance of enjoyment from the daily lives of ordinary people".
Based on the well-known links between chocolate and sex, the Government is also to draw up a White Paper to implement taxation of procreation at 23%, with fellatio being taxed at the higher rate. A spokesman for Gordon Brown said that the Prime Minister would be unaffected by the tax plans, as the only thing he's ever fucked is the country.