Areas of Belfast, Cardiff, Edinburgh, Glasgow, London and Manchester will be among the first locations, bringing new ways of losing Internet access to approximately 500,000 homes and businesses.
BT's UK Broadband Services Manager George Smith (real name Apu Nahasapeemapetilon), speaking from the UK Operations HQ in Mumbai, said, "In this climate of increased Internet use and competition from cable providers, we at BT are being aware that our normal system of modems that can't synch, cretins on the Helldesk and charging for an 8MB service when only providing 2Mb isn't going to cut it. We are needing to ensure that our users are experiencing the absolute ultimate in poor quality-of-service, and the new fibre service will be allowing us to be giving this to customers".
The firm has pledged to spend £1.5billion by 2012 on enhanced software systems which will provide a 98% guarantee that user's downloads will fail when at 98% completed, and that the remaining 2% of traffic will suffer the required level of file corruption. A planned software upgrade to ensure that broadband services are lost when streaming TV is used is also in the pipeline.
Mr Smith added that the new Business services would also have enhanced capability, including the facility to monitor hosted websites and ensure that they crash whenever new content is uploaded.
Kris Marshall, BT's answer to the Gold Blend guy, explained that the new high-speed fibre technology would lead to a change in the advertisements, including scenes of Esther Hall streaming naked videos of herself. Sales of tissues in computer shops all over the UK have surged as a result.