THE DIARY OF A GEEK IN OXFORDSHIRE


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Monday, March 23, 2009

Exclusive: Jade's Funeral Arrangements Leaked


The Diary of A Geek has obtained a secret memorandum outlining the details of Jade Goody's planned State Funeral, which we reproduce below:

*****
Memorandum

FROM:
The Office of Max Clifford, PR to the Chavs

TO:
The Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP, Prime Minister
Sir Paul Stephenson, Metropolitan Police Commissioner
The Most Reverend Father in God, Rowan Williams, by Divine Providence Lord Archbishop of Canterbury, Primate of All England and Metropolitan

SUBJECT:
Arrangements for the State Funeral of St Jade of Goody


Gentlemen

Further to our conference call and the subsequent discussions in Cabinet and at Lambeth Palace and Scotland Yard, below is the agreed itinerary for Jade's State Funeral. Please contact me if you have any final amendments.

0930:
Final photographs of the Blessed Corpse by 'OK' Magazine and The Sun.

0945:
Coffin is loaded into a pink stretch Humvee and proceeds from the funeral home, via Constitution Hill, The Mall and Trafalgar Square to Westminster Abbey. Mourners will follow in souped-up, bodykitted Corsas with dustbin exhausts.

1015:
Cortege arrives at Westminster Abbey, and is carried down the red carpet preceded by Davina McCall giving live coverage.

1030:
Service begins. Liturgy to be given by Dr Williams. Events inside the Abbey are to be broadcast live with a voiceover by an annoying, dull-voiced Geordie (to be provided by Endemol Productions).

1040:
Fight to break out between the families of Jade and Jack over seating arrangements. Jack to offer the Prime Minister 'outside'. (This will have the added benefit of making the PM seem 'hard' and 'one of the boys'.

1045:
Fight to be broken up following pleas from Davina McCall, reminding attendees that they 'are live on Channel 4, please do not swear'.

1050:
Prime Minister the Rt. Hon. Gordon Brown to deliver the Eurghlogy.

1100:
Those present to be administered smelling salts following the PM's speech.

Elton John takes the stage to sing (yet another) rewritten version of 'Candle in the Wind' (Lyrics kindly provided by Dungeekin.

1115:
Ceremony ends. Coffin to be loaded back into pink Humvee and will proceed eastward. Expect traffic delays while mourners lining the streets throw benefit cheques and bottles of White Lightning in the path of the cortege.

On Arrival at Epping Burial Ground (Time: Dependent upon public grief):
OK Magazine to take their exclusive photographs in preparation for their 'Jade: Before & After, 1 Year On' special.

Body to be interred in a private ceremony, streamed live on Channel 4 and with interviews of the mourners by Davina. Photographers will be limited to 'OK', 'Hello', 'Heat', 'Celeb', The Sun, The Mirror, The Star, The Daily Express, The Daily Mail, Pig Farmers Gazette, The Sport, The Essex Punch, the Fortean Times, 'Take A Break', 'Real Life' and 'Tatler'.

NOTE: Gravesite is to be clearly marked for the exhumation in 12 months' time (see 'OK' Magazine above).

Mourners to repair to the Chav & Headbutt, Epping, for the Wake.

1700:
Family of Jade to give a Press Conference.

1700-2100:
Live streaming on E4 of the Wake, with commentary by annoying Geordie. Davina on standby to interview anyone punched, puking, ejected or fucked by the bins round the back.

2100:
Jack Tweed to assault two photographers outside the Chav & Headbutt, Epping. Voiceover to the assault to be provided by the same annoying Geordie.

2300:
Further arrests made, following another fight between families. Transport provided home, with final interviews conducted by Davina.


Hoping this meets with your final approval, and look forward to seeing you at the (sending) off.

Best Regards

Max


8 comments:

Cato said...

Tears rolling down my face..of laughter might I add?


Wonderful. The blessed Davina must surely be considered for beatification after this.

Barnsley Bill said...

Phnah.....
Very funny. Again

Bishop Brennan said...

Lol :-)

But surely it will be an ecumenical service, with a Muslim cleric leading the prayers?

Cato said...

I was just wondering whether crumbled pappodums will be sprinkled over the coffin by Shilpa...

Mr Farty said...

You should write for Private Eye. Or do you?

it's either banned or compulsory said...

My invitation hasn't arrived yet, nust be in the post.

" Fight to break out between the families of Jade and Jack over seating arrangements. " Brilliant and probably true.

it's either banned or compulsory said...

Daily Mash, spot on too

"Tom Logan, a man from Chester, said: "Will being sad about the sad thing get me more sex, or will it simply make people think I'm gay? It's a very difficult time."

funeral directors Manchester said...

The passing of my grandfather was a difficult experience for me to deal with. There is confusion even if his death was expected and then the planning of the funeral. It was customary for the children to give eulogies in honor of their parents and I've shared mine that all of the people at the funeral shed tears.