THE DIARY OF A GEEK IN OXFORDSHIRE


"Solving the World's problems with satire and a smile.*"

*And a flamethrower.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

For Caroline Flint: The Lisbon Treaty Made Simple


Ah, sod it. I can't not parody the cretinous, mendacious, money-grabbing moron.

Given that the estimable Ms Flint has not read the Lisbon Treaty, I feel honour-bound to offer some help.

After all, who would expect her to read such a document - it's all legal stuff, innit, with big words and that. So, as a gesture of goodwill to the lady, and in sympathy for her no-doubt-imminent sacking, allow me to offer a version of the Lisbon Treaty in a form that even a Labour Minister could understand.

'Spot Does the Lisbon Treaty'

See Europe.

See Europe Run.


See Europe Run Britain.

The End.

There, Caroline, even YOU could understand that. Or would you prefer a Civil Service briefing on it? I'm sure they could explain the difficult words like 'Britain'.

Please, hurry up and resign. Or better still, set yourself on fire.


A Letter to Caroline Flint

Lazy, Incompetent, Deceitful, Avaricious Waste of Space.

Dear Caroline Flint

There is a saying in my business. RTFM. Read the Fucking Manual.

Documentation has a purpose. It is the documentation which tells you how the thing (whatever that thing may be) operates. How it can be manipulated to suit your own needs.

RTFM is the Golden Rule. I would imagine even Richard Timney had to RTFM about his pay-per-view telly before he reached for the Kleenex Mansize. RTFM is The Golden Rule. It's important when you're dealing with computers, and never more important than when you are dealing with The Sovereignty Of Our Nation.

Yet you, ma'am, have chosen not to RTFM. You have not read the Lisbon Treaty - a document which, as Europe Secretary, is the most important document that will ever, EVER cross your desk.

You have not even been briefed on all of it. Yet you have advocated and supported the Lisbon Treaty in Parliament.

I was going to spoof this - write a parody, make you even more of a laughing stock than you already are. But I cannot. I simply can't make light of the most egregious example of Ministerial incompetence and idleness I have ever seen, even given the horrors of the last ten years.

You Have Not Read the Lisbon Treaty
There is no excuse. This is the single most important piece of legislation to fall under your remit. You are therefore incompetent at best, and guilty of gross negligence at worst.

You Have Not Been Fully Briefed on the Lisbon Treaty
So how, pray, do you presume to negotiate or act on behalf of the people of this nation, as Europe Minister, when you do not know how the legislation will affect the people of this nation? Forget incompetent. Ignore gross negligence. This is, quite simply, abdication of responsibility on an unprecedented scale, that hands sovereignty of the UK to Europe. This is, quite simply, Treason.

You Advocated the Lisbon Treaty to Parliament
You spoke out in support of a Treaty about which you know nothing. You therefore misled the House. You, Ms Flint, are a Liar.

It seems clear to me that you are nothing but a pointless money-pit, into which taxpayers pour their cash for you to leech in expenses. I see that when it comes to legislation which DOES matter to you - namely what you can get away with pocketing in expenses - you have clearly read the documentation in detail.

You are an incompetent, lazy, dishonest, avaricious and deceitful fool, who would destroy this country rather than do the job for which WE pay you. Hang your head in shame, ma'am, and stand down.

Before the people of the UK take matters into our own hands.

(Not) Yours Disgustedly

Dungeekin


Bankers Told To Adopt 'Family Values' By PM

The PM demonstrates his favoured 'firm hand on the job' technique

Bankers should adopt "family values" in the way they work, according to Gordon Brown.

In a speech to faith and charity leaders at St Paul's Cathedral, the PM said that he expected bankers to behave wth the highest moral standards, and cited Home Secretary Jacqui Smith as the example to follow.

Mr Brown said, "it is right that bankers should have the highest moral standards, and follow those standards as Members of Parliament are expected to. Thus it is right that all senior bankers watch 'Raw Meat III on pay-per-view in their offices, and charge the taxpayer for the cost of the movie and the tissues".

Mr Brown admitted that he himself had tried to follow the same ethical steps, but that his attempts had been foiled when Sarah caught him cracking one off to videos of his own 'saviour of the world' speeches.

"Besides", the PM added, "I'm enough of a wanker without the movies".

Roo Baby in Bidding War

Better looking than Roo Jr?

A bidding war has broken out between the celebrity magazines over the first photographs of Wayne Rooney and wife Coleen's rumoured new baby.

The wife of the England and Manchester United star is said to be three months' pregnant. But neither of the couple's spokesmen could be contacted to confirm the claim.

'Hello' and 'OK' magazines are both known to be bidding, with 'OK' believed to have offered in excess of £1 million not to be the ones photographing it.

Editor of 'Stars!!" magazine, Sleb Starfucker, said, "the bidding war is intense - huge sums are being thrown around to avoid having to shoot Wayne and his sprog. I mean, I know people say there's no such thing as an ugly baby, but come on - we could shave a Shitzhu's arse and nobody would be able to tell the difference".

Monday, March 30, 2009

Brown Defends Home Secretary in 'Porngate'

You just wouldn't would you?

Gordon Brown has spoken in support of Home Secretary Jacqui Beria and her husband Richard Timid, after it became public that she had claimed expenses for two pornographic movies watched by him while she was away.

Speaking at a news conference with the Australian Prime Minister, the PM defended the Home Secretary and said she was 'doing a great job' of ensuring her husband remained under control.

It was being stressed yesterday that she did not actually see the films, which were watched by her husband, Richard Timney, at their family home in Redditch, while she was away. The movies, believed to have been 'Lusty Labour Lesbians' (featuring a cameo appearance from Clare Short) and Ben 'Dover' Bradshaws 'Bi Human Nights Bill', which features a steamy, no-holds barred session between Angela Eagle, Gordon Marsden and Stephen Twigg in a Commons Committee room.

Timid, who is employed as the Home Secretary's secretary, apologised for the embarrassment he had caused, but added, "seriously, on the rare occasion Jacqui's home would you want to shag that? Five knuckles and a kleenex is much more edifying than seeing her 'O'-face, I can tell you"

Gordon - Money's Too Tight to Mention



There's a delicious irony in parodying Simply Red's 80's classic about right-wing economic decisions....

I've sold off all the gold,
Raised taxes too,
Recession warnings,
Are coming true,
So I bought all the banks,
To see what they could do,
They said Gord - looks like boom'n'bust,
Got-a hold on you!

Chorus:
Money's too tight to mention,
We can barely afford Goodwin's pension,
Money's too tight to mention.

I went to the EU,
To see what they could do,
They said Gordon we won't help you,
Coz we're not fucked like you,
So I called on Obama, Obama,
Oh, Obama!
He said,

Chorus:
Money's too tight to mention,
Oh money money money money,
Mo-ney's too tight to mention,
Our own debt is well past ten trillion.

We've using Mugabenomics,
Oh lord, the economy's bollixed,
With stimuli for all the ills!
And the taxpayer footing the bills (we're paying),

Chorus:
Money's too tight to mention
(spoken) quantitive ease!
Oh, Money money money money,

We're talkin' 'bout money money
We're talkin' 'bout money money

Our money's gone, the country's screwed,
By a one-eyed man and his cretinous crew,
Now what are we all to do
When Gordon hasn't got a clue?

Mo-ney's too tight to mention
Oh, Money money money money,
Money's too tight to mention
There's no more money, oh yeah

We're talkin' 'bout money money
We're talkin' 'bout money money
Whatcha gonna do next Gordon?
Whatcha gonna do next Gordon?
We're talkin' 'bout money money
We're talkin' 'bout money money
Think the IMF'll bail ya?
Think the IMF'll bail ya?
Yeah, I'm talking 'bout it
We're talkin' 'bout money money
We're talkin' 'bout money money. . . .
(repeat until your economy fades)


Friday, March 27, 2009

Jackson Auction to Go Ahead

Jackson last week, auctioning his spare fingers.

A planned auction of Michael Jackson memorabilia will still go ahead, despite the singer taking legal action in an attempt to prevent it.

The singer filed suit against Julien's Auction House in Los Angeles last month, claiming that the auctioneers had 'effectively stolen his property'. However, auction-house owner Darren Julien claimed that Jackson knew about the planned sale, and had even approved a press release about it.

The five-day auction, which is due to take place from 21 April in Beverly Hills, is expected to fetch up to $20m (£13.9m). The sale has over 100 lots consisting of spare body parts from Jackson's life and career, including over 30 of the star's noses, including the one he wore in his 1983 'Billie Jean' video. Some are expected to reach over $30,000 - however Jackson's original nose is not for sale, having sadly been lost some fifteen years ago in an unfortunate chimp-related incident.

However, the star lot is anticipated to be the entertainer's first penis, which the auction-house described as 'barely-used' and is rumoured to still be black.

Jackson, 50, has recently announced a new contract with the O2 Arena.

'Delilah' - a Rebuttal



Dungeekin's hat is well and truly tipped to The Devil's Kitchen for pointing out this awful labour site, and the even-more-awful rending of 'Delilah' on video therein.

Words of advice to Messrs Hain and Morgan: one, get a decent vocalist. And two, for SDEITY's sake get a decent lyricist. My 3yo could have done a better job of mangling Delilah.

So, by way of rebuttal, I hope you enjoy my version of 'Delilah Brown'. Tune above, for anyone who's lived under a rock for the last 30 years (like you, Derek).

*****

We've heard all your lies and your spin and your words all ring hollow,
You've spent every cent that we've earned and you've robbed us all blind,
You've wrecked the country,
You've lied and you've cheated and driven us out of our minds.
Die, die, die, New Labour
Why, why, why, New Labour?
We can see, you've fucked up the economy,
And Britons are treated like slaves, and no longer free.

Despite all that you say, on election day we'll be waiting,
When we get the chance for a vote then we'll show you the door,
You laughed at Hannan,
When we get a General Election then you'll laugh no more.
Die, die, die, New Labour,
Why, why, why, New Labour?
So before you leave us even more poor,
Just fuck off New Labour we really can't take any more.

[insert trumpet solo here]

You laughed at Hannan,
When we get a General Election then you'll laugh no more.
Die, die, die, New Labour,
Why, why, why, New Labour.

So before you leave us even more poor,
Just fuck off New Labour we really can't take any more,
Just fuck off New Labour we really can't take any more!

Monarchy Faces Constitutional Reform

The Judging Panel of the UK's latest Reality TV contest.

In the biggest shakeup of the constitutional Monarchy since Henry VIII had a row with his wife, the Government have announced sweeping changes to the Succession process.

In a bid to modernise the Monarchy and to bring the succession process in line with modern thinking, Her Majesty is to appear in a new Reality TV show, 'Britain's Next Monarch'.

Announcing the new Succession format, Lord Falconer explained, "the Succession will be decided over a 12-week series, with 12 members of the general public competing. They will be housed in Windsor Palace and will face a series of challenges, from delicate waving to hosting State Banquets and deciding on New Years' Honours. Each week, two candidates will be nominated by a public vote and sent to the Tower of London, and in the Verdict show on the Sunday the Queen and the Prime Minister will announce who is to be saved and who is to be beheaded on Tower Green".

Lord Falconer added that the Auditions for 'Britain's Next Monarch' would also be televised. The Auditions shows will be hosted by Ant & Dec, and the the judging panel will include Davina McCall, Simon Cowell and HRH Prince Philip. Lord Falconer said, "We expect that with Simon and His Highness, both known for their plain-speaking, sparks will fly! Of course, Prince Philip has said he doesn't want any darkies or slitty-eyed chinks getting through, but we think we've explained enough about multiculturalism to him now".

The new show is likely to be a massive hit in the BBC's prime-time Saturday slot, and calls to the voting lines are expected to cost £1.50 with 90p of each call going to the National Debt.

Anti-Terror Posters from BoingBoing


Well, as we all know that the way to beat Global Terrorism is a combination of scaremongering posters, community suspicion and anonymous tipoffs, the wonderful and inventive readers of BoingBoing have come up with a few posters of their own.

I'd like to see these going up all over London. Enjoy.


Checkmate


We're nearly at the Endgame. It's coming. And the Regime are about to win.

Today's papers are full of the warnings - impending mayhem from 'anarchists' and 'anti-capitalists', devastating the City of London, placing lives and property at risk. Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson warns of 'unprecedented' levels of protest.

The Today Programme was interviewing City workers, stoking up the fear, building on the dire warnings previously issued by the Government. This is worrying. For this is precisely what the Regime want.

It won't take much. Like a wildfire igniting in tinder-dry brush, it will only take one spark. One police officer gets a bit over-enthusiastic and thumps a protester. One protester throws a bottle. That's all it'll take.

How difficult would it be for the Regime to have a few 'rent-a-goons' in the crowd, inciting physical action? A few would be all they'd need - once it starts, in an excited and angry crowd, it would not easily be stopped.

And, once the riot starts, the Regime have their excuse for the Civil Contingencies Act.

Note also that most reports, especially Pravda, spin the protesters as 'anarchists' and 'anti-capitalists', conveniently ignoring the fact that some of the planned protests are being organised by the TUC, and many will contain ordinary people, angry at the wanton destruction of their jobs, their savings and their future by this despotic, incompetent and corrupt Regime.

If you're an ordinary person, like me, who simply sees the scale of the economic waste and despairs, who sees the ever-more-intrusive surveillance, the demolition of civil liberties, the spiralling crime, the failing Justice system, the collapsing, murderous NHS and the bulging wallets of the nomenklatura, and wants to weep for the country he served for seven years, you may wish to join the protests. And you will be labelled an anarchist. A subversive. Lumped with those who 'incite hate', spun and marginalised, and subsequently ignored.

Which brings me neatly back to the thrust of this post. The endgame is here, and the Government are going to win. We've been outmanoeuvred, out-thought and outplayed, and it's checkmate.

If there are no protests - the Regime will claim support and carry on down their destructive path, making the UK into Europe's Zimbabwe.

If there are peaceful protests - the Regime will spin a story of anarchists and anti-capitalists, ignoring the Everyman who is simply protesting for his livelihood. And once Everyman is marginalised, they will carry on down their destructive path, making the UK into Europe's Zimbabwe.

If there are riots - the Regime will invoke the Civil Contingencies Act. Democracy dies with it. And they will carry on down their destructive path, making the UK into Europe's Zimbabwe.

The Endgame is coming. It starts next week - and, sadly, I don't think there's anything left we can do about it.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Madonna to Adopt Again

Madonna And Child(ren)

Aging pop goddess Madonna has announced that she is re-entering the African adoption fray, one year since she adopted her son David.

The 'Material Girl', 50, who also has two biological children, has announced that she is to adopt Malawi - bringing the total size of her family to some 14,268,714.

Madonna's lawyer, Sue Bigfee, said, "while this may seem like an extreme adoption process, Madonna is confident that she can be a great mum to her entire new family. Besides, by adopting everyone in the country she kinda dodges those awkward legal questions like she had with David".

However, the announcement has not been met with total approval. Madonna's surprise move has been challenged by Hollywood actress Angelina Jolie, who has threatened to sue Madonna over the move claiming that it threatens her status as the adoption queen of the world, and puts her plan to adopt the whole of the African continent in jeopardy.


Fawkes v Draper: Big Fight Date Announced

Fawkes v Draper like this? I wish. . .

A date has now been set for the upcoming no-holds-barred 'cage match' between political bloggers Guido Fawkes and Derek Draper.

Following a spirited (yet ultimately disappointing) combined Press Conference and weigh-in, when both combatants landed some dainty bitchslaps but failed to provide a knockout blow, the UFC-style fight is to be held next Saturday night in the O2 Arena.

Undefeated Heavyweight Champion Fawkes will take on light-arseweight Draper in the long-awaited grudge match, styled the 'Battle of the Handbags'. In standard cage-match rules, the only things banned will be biting, gouging, kicking to the groin or mentioning Dolly Draper's educational qualifications.

Speaking from his training camp at the local pub, Fawkes said, "I've been waiting for this match for years. Bring it on. He's going down hard". Fawkes has reportedly put together a top coaching team including Geoffrey 'Slugger' Howe, Michael 'Slasher' Heseltine and 'Sugar Ray' Tebbit, all masters of delivering a good kicking to political figures.

Draper also welcomed the bout, saying, "I could do with the payout, to be frank, it'll help cover Kate's tax bill". He added, "I've been doing some special training exercises with Peter Mandelson, and while they've left me a little bit sore I'm confident I'll scratch Guido's eyes out".

Richardson's Organs 'Donated To Help Others'


Relatives of the late Natasha Richardson, tragically killed in a skiing accident, have confirmed that several of her organs have been donated since her death.

Richardson, 45, died after falling during a ski lesson at the Mont Tremblant resort in Canada. She was not wearing a helmet at the time.

Her family said that donating organs was 'very Natasha', and a friend added, "At least by donating her organs something good could come out of (the tragedy)".

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Ms Richardson's eyes have been donated to Gordon Brown , her hair to the family of Jade Goody, and her talent to Keanu Reeves.


Brown Launches New Debt Initiative

See these Gilts? I'm not gonna charge ya a tenner - not even a fiver! Two quid!

Following the failure of its Gilts Auction yesterday, when the world of finance decided that Britain was unlikely to be able to pay off its debts, the Government has today announced a further fiscal measure to reduce its debt.

Speaking from his Brazilian waxing appointment, Prime Mincer Gordon Brown announced that the Government is to hold a Jumble Sale in his Kirkcaldy constituency next Tuesday.

Mr Brown said, "it is right that we use all available means to revitalise the economy, and as I've run out of ideas and Mervyn says we can't afford the ink to print any more money this is pretty much all I've got left. The Jumble Sale starts at 2pm on Kirkcaldy Village Green, or in the Village Hall if wet".

The announcement has been met with a positive response from Government ministries. The MoD is donating several sets of slightly-used body armour (which will be right as rain once the bloodstains are removed), and it has been reported that Peerages are to be on sale for as little as 50p. It is expected that the sale could reduce the UK's debt - currently estimated at £2 trillion - by as much as £50.

The Prime Mincer called on all the G20 nations to follow his visionary lead and hold similar sales. However, the suggestion was rejected by Czech President Mirek Topolanek, who pointed out that most of the world's economies weren't as utterly buggered as the UK's.

In related news, the International Monetary Fund has now officially downgraded the UK's credit rating to 'Fucked', as it warned in January. Economic Analyst Lotta Cashcountin said, "quite frankly, we wouldn't recommend lending the UK Government a fiver".

Sky News, Choudhary and Sharia Law

Anjem Choudary - a barbaric perversion of the Islamic faith.

A hearty 'Well Done' is today due to Sky News, for their sterling effort in showing fundamentalist Islam up for the brutal, barbaric and degrading perversion of faith that it is. Unfortunately the video isn't available from Sky News.

A debate between two moderate muslims - both of whom were against the widespread imposition of Sharia Law - and one Anjem Choudary, the 'Islamic Lawyer' who seems to believe that the Sharia is the cure for the entire world's ills.

The first thing to note is how pleasant it was to see Sharia Law and its punishments condemned as 'barbaric' by moderate muslims. That was heartening. But let's just look at a couple of noteworthy comments made by YOU, Mister British Taliban, and dig a little deeper.

"People have asked to be flogged"
Well, yes, I would imagine they have. Given the choice between death, amputation or a damn good beating, I would probably also elect to have the skin flayed off my back by a burly, sadistic mullah. That doesn't mean it's a good punishment.

Choosing between amputation and flogging (the example given in the debate) is asking someone whether they would like to eat a fresh turd or fresh vomit for supper. Neither are palatable, but most people would choose the lesser of the two.

"Under Sharia Law, there have been only two rapes"
I'm sure. However, I do rather wonder whether this is a factor of Sharia Law or the fundamentalist approach to women.

After all, you can't be raped by a stranger if you're not allowed to leave the house. You can't have spousal rape if the woman is a chattel of the man, because she has no right to object.

I would also imagine most women would be unlikely to make a complaint of rape if to do so would guarantee them jail and a flogging for adultery.

"The word Islam means submission to the Will of God"
And your God advocates the execution of all who wish not to submit.

Your God advocates Death for apostasy.Death by stoning for adultery. Hanging for homosexuality.

My Atheism does not call for the death of those who refute my views. Neither does Christianity (my views on which are well documented). Neither does Judaism, Hinduism, Sikhism, Bhuddism or even Scientology. Who, pray, is out of step here?

You claim that Sharia has been the Law of God for over 1300 years. What's frightening is that by your slavish Submission, you fail to recognise that law drafted 1300 years ago which remains unchanged is not good law.

What doesn't change can't grow. What doesn't grow can't learn.

Your Sharia was relevant in a past time, a more barbaric time. As a species we have matured, grown away from crucificion, breaking on the rack, burning at the stake, the thumbscrews and the Iron Maiden. The ducking stool, scold's bridle and pillory are no longer a part of our justice system. Yet you believe the world should Submit to a battery of laws notable only for their archaic brutality.

You believe that the word of a MAN - for, and let's not forget this, Muhammad was a human being (and if I have read the Quran correctly, ALL men are imperfect), translating the word of God, should remain utterly valid, unchanged and unchanging for 1400 years.

Even other members of your own religion deny your interpretation and your desire for the world to Submit.

Your answer to them was, "how can you call yourselves muslims?". I would ask you the same question. More pertinently, I would ask you how you can call yourself a human being.

Your moderate debaters showed you, and your perversion of Islam, up for the anachronistic sadism that it is. They showed, calmly and clearly, that it's possible, desirable and right to be a human being first and a muslim second.

Instead of taking your cues from the writings of a long-dead Prophet, perhaps you should start learning from the rest of Mankind.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

New UK Party Promises Stimulus Packages

The logo of the new UK Stimulus Party.

A new political party - the UK Stimulus Party - has been launched today, promising to 'give Britain the stimulus it needs in these troubled times'.

Speaking at the launch conference, Party Chairman Eric Mainsvoltage said, "The UK Stimulus Party will be fielding candidates only in the constituencies of Cabinet Ministers, and aims to offer UK voters the chance to see the sort of stimulus package that will revitalise faith in British Politics. Many people have talked at length about giving our political system the 'Mussolini Stimulus', but a detailed survey has shown that most of this country's lamp-posts couldn't take the strain, and given the current state of the economy we could never afford enough piano wire".

He added, "To that end, our Manifesto is based upon the single issue - the provision of suitable stimuli to the Cabinet Ministers who have put us in this situation".

The manifesto pledges include the following stimulus packages:

GORDON BROWN:
A stimulus package involving the average per-capita share of the National Debt, in 10p pieces, heated white-hot then administered rectally;

JACQUI SMITH:
To be immersed, inverted, in a vat of molten CCTV cameras while being flogged with printouts from her beloved databases;

JACK STRAW:
A six-month period of intense prostate stimulus, provided at length by 'Ringsplitter' Bloggs and 'Pole-Vault' Higgins, both of B-Wing, Wormwood Scrubs. Pain relief to be provided by a wire brush and Dettol.

PETER MANDELSON:
Details of the full stimulus package are to be finalised, but will involve loose-fitting trousers, rabid weasels and a full credit-report;

GEOFF HOON:
Stimulus to be provided by a combined Army, Navy and RAF detachment specially provided for the purpose. All members of the detachment to be veterans who served during Hoon's tenure as Defence Secretary. 'Snatch' Landrovers to be provided, as it will be interesting to see if one will fit.

Stimulus packages for other Cabinet Members are also included in the Manifesto, however we are unable to print them as at some would result in excommunication and simply reading them would leave the general public needing counselling. The Manifesto also pledges a referendum on applying similar stimuli to members of the Opposition who failed to hold the Government to account over the last decade.

Mr Mainsvoltage also added that he was hoping to recruit a Party Leader from the current crop of decent politicians, and that he sincerely hoped Dan Hannan MEP would take up the position.


Armstrong Shrugs off TdF Injury Fears


Legendary cycle racer Lance Armstrong has insisted that he'll be able to compete in the Tour de France, despite fracturing his collarbone in an horrific crash last week.

The rider, injured in the Vuelta Castilla y Leon following a multiple pileup on the first day of the race, shrugged off the shoulder injury, saying, "I'll ride one-armed if I have to. After all, I've raced one-bollocked for years".

There's a Hole in my Budget



There's a hole in my Budget, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
There's a hole in my Budget, dear Gordon, a hole
Then fix it, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
Then fix it, dear Darling, dear Darling, fix it.

With what shall I fix it, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
With what shall I fix it, dear Gordon, with what?
Raise taxes, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
Raise taxes, dear Darling, dear Darling, raise tax.

The taxes are too high, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
The taxes are too high, dear Gordon, too high
Then borrow, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
Then borrow, dear Darling, dear Darling borrow!

From whom shall I borrow, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
From whom shall I borrow, dear Gordon, from whom?
From the banks, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
From the banks, dear Darling, dear Darling, the banks!

The banks are all buggered, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
The banks are all buggered, dearGordon, buggered!
Then nationalise, dear Darling, dear Darling
Then nationalise, dear Darling, nationalise!

Now our debt is too high, dear Gordon, Dear Gordon
Our debt is too high, dear Gordon, too high.
Print money, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling,
Print money, dear Darling, just quantative ease!

Now we've rampant inflation, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
Now we've rampant inflation, dear Gordon, what now?
Deny it, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
Deny it, dear Darling, dear Darling, deny!

How shall I deny it, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
How shall I deny it, dear Gordon, but how?
Blame the Tories, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
Blame the Tories, dear Darling, dear Darling, the Blues!

Now the Governor's moaning, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
Now the Governor's moaning, dear Gordon, he says 'no more cash'
Then spin it, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
Then spin it, dear Darling, say it's all his fault!

Now our debt burden's climbing, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
Now our debt burden's climbing, dear Gordon, our debt!
Borrow more, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
Borrow more, dear Darling, dear Darling, borrow more!

But how to repay it, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
But how to repay it, dear Gordon, but how?
Raise taxes, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
Raise taxes, dear Darling, dear Darling, raise tax!

But how shall I raise them, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
But how shall I raise, them dear Gordon, but how?
In the Budget, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
In the Budget, dear Darling, dear Darling, the Budget

There's a hole in my Budget, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
There's a hole in my Budget, dear Gordon, a hole!


DJ Moyles in Gay Sex Arrest Shocker

Chris Moyles demonstrates what got him into trouble last night.

Fat Radio 1 DJ and well-known homophobe Chris Moyles has been arrested for gross indecency, it was revealed today.

The presenter, who makes (too) much of his heterosexuality was recently reprimanded by the BBC for unpleasant remarks concerning the sexuality of singer Will Young, remains in custody pending further enquiries and a dry-cleaning bill for a policeman's trousers.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police announced that Moyles, 32 stone, was arrested at 0115 this morning in a public convenience in Soho, after he allegedly performed a sex act upon a plain-clothes officer.

The spokesman said, "we can confirm that a fat, obnoxious radio presenter was arrested in the early hours of this morning, after attempting to fellate a plain-clothes detective. The individual concerned propositioned the officer for certain other acts, and asked the officer to call him 'Will'. The officer declined and arrested the individual".

Moyles was unavailable for comment, but a BBC spokesman said that they were treating the allegation with the utmost seriousness. The BBC spokesman added, "If this allegation turns out to be true, then Chris has also blown his career".

Will Young was too busy laughing to comment.

Government Launch New Anti-Terror Force

The new Anti-Terror Unit dealing with seditious material.

The Government today announced the creation of a new, 60,000-strong volunteer force to take the war against extremism and terror into the streets of Britain.

A development of the 'citizen justice' concept that brought us the Traffic Wombles and the Pseudoplods, the unit, named the Tactical Warfare Anti-Terror Squads, is to be drawn from the massed ranks of Guardian readers and will receive up to three hours of specialist training in how to spot and deal with the dangerous extremists in our midst.

Armed with Tasers and other non-lethal weapons up to and including recordings of Gordon Brown's speeches, the TWATS will patrol the streets of Britain seeking out and administering swift justice to those involved in extremist and terrorist behaviour including:

- Taking photographs, making notes or filming at tourist attractions;

- Smoking in public;

- The possession or use of a beard;

- Vegetarianism;

- The use of Facebook, Twitter or other extremist sites for the spreading of sedition, such as saying the Prime Minister is a colossal cock;

- Whatever the Regime decides constitutes extremist behaviour that day.

While the TWATS are not expected to have powers of arrest (yet), Home Secretary Jacqui Beria has confirmed that they will have all the powers of the NuLieBore Jobsworth, with the power to enter homes, and to impose penalties up to an £80 fine for suicide bombing, or life imprisonment for calling any member of the Goonvernment a Stalinist Fuckwit.

Ms Beria said, "with the increased threat of terrorism and extremist behaviour, it is right that we create a unit of nosy, interfering busybodies brainwashed with our interminable, fear-mongering drivel, to poke their overly-long proboscises into the daily lives of every citizen in the country. We will also be setting up an anti-terror extension to the 'Crimestoppers' phone service, whereby anyone with a grudge information can shop their neighbour anonymously and watch as they're dragged away by the Fingermen Anti-Terror Police".

In a separate but related development, the Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, Brownies, Girl Guides, Boys Brigade and Combined Cadet Forces are all to be merged into a single entity to be called The Junior Spies.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Gordoom McBroon Demolished

The Devalued Prime Minister of a Devalued Government.

Presented without further comment - simply watch and enjoy.



Giant Painted Prick Shock


Apparently, the parents of an 18-year-old took over a year to realise he'd painted a 60ft penis on the roof of their house.

That's nothing, though - it took the UK electorate almost a decade to work out that Gordon Brown's a colossal cock.

UK Terror Threat Rises

The shadowy 'Mister Brown', the world's most dangerous 'economic terrorist'.

The threat to the UK from terrorist groups has increased, according to a new report on counter-terrorism published today.

The report said that it had become easier than ever before for such groups to create a “dirty bomb” which could cause widespread deadly contamination.

However, it acknowledged that while there is a 'slightly increased risk' of a physical terror attack on the UK Mainland, the Joint Terrorism Analysis Centre added that the gravest danger to UK National Security is 'fiscal terrorism'.

Terror analyst and author of the report, I. E. D. Findah, said, "our research indicates that there is a significant risk of fiscal terrorism, whereby the national economy is attacked and damaged in order to allow the terrorists to achieve their goal of ultimate, lasting control and power".

Mr Findah pointed to the work of a 'dangerous cabal of economic terrorists', known to intelligence agencies as Al Liebore, and led by a mysterious fundamentalist known only as 'Mister Brown'. According to the report, this organisation has already dealt the economy significant blows including the decimation of UK Gold Reserves, the collapse of Sterling, the nationalisation of the UK banking industry, rising and uncontrollable debt and impending hyperinflation.

He added, "however, Al Liebore's most stunning coup to date was their 1997 attack on pension funds, which has resulted in massive damage to the pockets, incomes and welfare of millions of Britons.

'Mister Brown', who styles himself 'The Saviour of the World' and whose true identity and affiliations remain a mystery, is now the UK's most wanted man, and is believed to be in hiding in South America.

A spokesman for the Home Office refused to comment on Mr Findah's reports, saying only that it was a matter of National Security. However, the spokesman did add that he was confident the provisions within the Civil Contingencies Act would ensure that nobody would be able to complain about the atrocities committed by Al Liebore in future.



Post for 'Ada Lovelace Day'


So apparently today is Ada Lovelace Day, when we should "publish a blog post on Tuesday 24th March about a woman in technology whom we admire".

This is, of course, something I'm happy to do - many women have driven the advancement of technology over the years. So, in the spirit of the event, I'd like to dedicate this post to a woman who, I feel, contributed significantly to the development of technology:

Linda Lovelace.

Think about it. Though it may seem hard to swallow, her contribution to the advancement of the technology we use and enjoy today is incalculable.

Linda made pornography mainstream - her seminal work 'Deep Throat' did a great deal to drive the growth in consumer demand for the VCR.

Had there not been such huge demand for devices such as this - allowing the distribution of movies outside the cinema, and giving consumers the freedom to record and time-shift their viewing - we would not have seen such technological developments as the DVD and the PVR. All thanks to Linda and the other doyennes of technological progress such as Marylin Chambers, Traci Lords and the ineffable (actually, very effable) Nina Hartley.

Which leads me to the Internet - and as everyone knows, the Internet is for porn. It was memorably said, by one of my role models, that if you took all the porn off the Web there'd only be one site left and it would be called www.bringbacktheporn.com. It's thanks to Linda and the depth of her . . . her profundity that means pornography proliferates so profligately.

Streaming Video? Porn used it first [1], so it could be argued that pornography drove the demand for high-speed Net connections. We have Linda and her ilk to thank for Broadband!

Linda is, of course, immortalised in certain online communities [2] for her contribution to technological development:

The ASR standard unit of suckiness is the Lovelace (Ll).
This is defined as: One Lovelace is the amount of force (measured in dynes)it takes to draw a round ball weighing e Troy Ounces down a tube it fits exactly (in air) at a speed of pi attoparsecs/microfortnight.

Like Farads, this is a rather large measurement. Thus, Plan 9 sucks a few mLl, for instance, while your average Microsoft product achieves many Ll.

So therefore, dear Reader, I give you the woman I admire in technology - whose impact on the development of software (and frequently also hardware[3]) was as deep as her throat. Let's hear it for technology's other, unsung and unremembered Lovelace - Linda.

Ma'am, I salute and thank you.

[1] Probably. I can't be bothered to do the research.
[2] No, not the ones you're thinking of, pervert.
[3] *snigger*

* ALD09post
AdaLovelaceDay09



Monday, March 23, 2009

Exclusive: Jade's Funeral Arrangements Leaked


The Diary of A Geek has obtained a secret memorandum outlining the details of Jade Goody's planned State Funeral, which we reproduce below:

*****
Memorandum

FROM:
The Office of Max Clifford, PR to the Chavs

TO:
The Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP, Prime Minister
Sir Paul Stephenson, Metropolitan Police Commissioner
The Most Reverend Father in God, Rowan Williams, by Divine Providence Lord Archbishop of Canterbury, Primate of All England and Metropolitan

SUBJECT:
Arrangements for the State Funeral of St Jade of Goody


Gentlemen

Further to our conference call and the subsequent discussions in Cabinet and at Lambeth Palace and Scotland Yard, below is the agreed itinerary for Jade's State Funeral. Please contact me if you have any final amendments.

0930:
Final photographs of the Blessed Corpse by 'OK' Magazine and The Sun.

0945:
Coffin is loaded into a pink stretch Humvee and proceeds from the funeral home, via Constitution Hill, The Mall and Trafalgar Square to Westminster Abbey. Mourners will follow in souped-up, bodykitted Corsas with dustbin exhausts.

1015:
Cortege arrives at Westminster Abbey, and is carried down the red carpet preceded by Davina McCall giving live coverage.

1030:
Service begins. Liturgy to be given by Dr Williams. Events inside the Abbey are to be broadcast live with a voiceover by an annoying, dull-voiced Geordie (to be provided by Endemol Productions).

1040:
Fight to break out between the families of Jade and Jack over seating arrangements. Jack to offer the Prime Minister 'outside'. (This will have the added benefit of making the PM seem 'hard' and 'one of the boys'.

1045:
Fight to be broken up following pleas from Davina McCall, reminding attendees that they 'are live on Channel 4, please do not swear'.

1050:
Prime Minister the Rt. Hon. Gordon Brown to deliver the Eurghlogy.

1100:
Those present to be administered smelling salts following the PM's speech.

Elton John takes the stage to sing (yet another) rewritten version of 'Candle in the Wind' (Lyrics kindly provided by Dungeekin.

1115:
Ceremony ends. Coffin to be loaded back into pink Humvee and will proceed eastward. Expect traffic delays while mourners lining the streets throw benefit cheques and bottles of White Lightning in the path of the cortege.

On Arrival at Epping Burial Ground (Time: Dependent upon public grief):
OK Magazine to take their exclusive photographs in preparation for their 'Jade: Before & After, 1 Year On' special.

Body to be interred in a private ceremony, streamed live on Channel 4 and with interviews of the mourners by Davina. Photographers will be limited to 'OK', 'Hello', 'Heat', 'Celeb', The Sun, The Mirror, The Star, The Daily Express, The Daily Mail, Pig Farmers Gazette, The Sport, The Essex Punch, the Fortean Times, 'Take A Break', 'Real Life' and 'Tatler'.

NOTE: Gravesite is to be clearly marked for the exhumation in 12 months' time (see 'OK' Magazine above).

Mourners to repair to the Chav & Headbutt, Epping, for the Wake.

1700:
Family of Jade to give a Press Conference.

1700-2100:
Live streaming on E4 of the Wake, with commentary by annoying Geordie. Davina on standby to interview anyone punched, puking, ejected or fucked by the bins round the back.

2100:
Jack Tweed to assault two photographers outside the Chav & Headbutt, Epping. Voiceover to the assault to be provided by the same annoying Geordie.

2300:
Further arrests made, following another fight between families. Transport provided home, with final interviews conducted by Davina.


Hoping this meets with your final approval, and look forward to seeing you at the (sending) off.

Best Regards

Max


Reform Body Attacks 'Database State'



A report from the Joseph Rowntree Reform Trust has said the UK 'database state' wastes billions from the public purse and often breaches human rights laws.

The government spends £16bn a year on databases and plans to spend a further £105bn on projects over five years but does not know the precise number of the "thousands" of systems it operates, the trust claims.

Responding to the report, Justice Minister Laventiy Straw said the Government was "never losing sight" of its obligations under the data protection and human rights acts.

However, he agreed that there was no longer a consensus over precisely how many databases the Government was running, nor any unified method of controlling and managing access to the data held therein.

He added, "this is a known issue and a matter of concern for Government, because there's probably data on terrorists that we haven't properly indexed. Or something. As as a result, we are announcing an immediate investment of £500 billion into a new IT project to consolidate all our databases into one big database.

"This will require putting together a database to index and analyse the number of databases we currently have, and once this is done we will set up a new database into which we will import the older databases. We'll then put together a new database of all the current users of the legacy databases, and from there we can create a database of the users who'll need access to the new database. The big database, I mean, not the old user database. Er. . . ".

Civil Liberties campaigners refused to comment on Mister Straw's announcement, because they couldn't understand it. However, Derek Lostit, of Government contractor DataLoss Services PLC, welcomed the new consolidation process, saying, "this is going to be great. Now we can lose every single bit of data on a person in one hit, rather than working across multiple databases. It'll save us a fortune in CD-Rs, USB keys and train fares".


BT Announces Super-fast Broadband Sites

Esther Hall - the best part of BT.

Telecoms giant BT have announced the first locations where substantial numbers of customers will have access to fibre-based super-fast broadband via the firm's network.

Areas of Belfast, Cardiff, Edinburgh, Glasgow, London and Manchester will be among the first locations, bringing new ways of losing Internet access to approximately 500,000 homes and businesses.

BT's UK Broadband Services Manager George Smith (real name Apu Nahasapeemapetilon), speaking from the UK Operations HQ in Mumbai, said, "In this climate of increased Internet use and competition from cable providers, we at BT are being aware that our normal system of modems that can't synch, cretins on the Helldesk and charging for an 8MB service when only providing 2Mb isn't going to cut it. We are needing to ensure that our users are experiencing the absolute ultimate in poor quality-of-service, and the new fibre service will be allowing us to be giving this to customers".

The firm has pledged to spend £1.5billion by 2012 on enhanced software systems which will provide a 98% guarantee that user's downloads will fail when at 98% completed, and that the remaining 2% of traffic will suffer the required level of file corruption. A planned software upgrade to ensure that broadband services are lost when streaming TV is used is also in the pipeline.

Mr Smith added that the new Business services would also have enhanced capability, including the facility to monitor hosted websites and ensure that they crash whenever new content is uploaded.

Kris Marshall, BT's answer to the Gold Blend guy, explained that the new high-speed fibre technology would lead to a change in the advertisements, including scenes of Esther Hall streaming naked videos of herself. Sales of tissues in computer shops all over the UK have surged as a result.


End to 'War on Terror' Within Sight

A recent image of Abu Goodi preaching in Finsbury Park

Sources within the MoD, MI6 and both the CIA and US Department of Defense have indicated that the end of the War on Terror is in sight, following the reported death of one of a leading terrorist figure.

Security Service spokesman David Shayler said today that intelligence sources had received word of the death of Abu Goodi, the shadowy female mastermind behind a global string of suicide binge-drinking and ladette fundamentalism.

Mr Shayler said, "obviously these are unconfirmed reports, and we are monitoring the tabloid press for confirmation. However, our covert sources indicate that Abu Goodi has, indeed, passed away of natural causes".

Police and public health bodies are on high alert at present, expecting an upsurge in sympathy reprisals in the form of loud drinking sessions, televised funerals, rentaquote 'tributes' and tabloid mourning. Reports of a recession-busting upturn in the floristry and helium-balloon market sectors remain unconfirmed.

Speaking at an impromptu press conference, Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson denied reports that the Scotland Yard Firearms Unit were on increased alert, adding, "it's always been our policy to shoot anyone who looks like a drunken Essex chav".

Former Prime Minister Tony Bliar, and Former President George W Shrub, both welcomed the reports of Abu Goodi's death, with President Shrub saying, "it's Mission Accomplished, folks".

Friday, March 20, 2009

IRA Demand BBC Apology over Jacko Jibe

RIRA Spokesman Mr P O'Neill at this morning's Press Conference.

Furious IRA terrorists have demanded an apology from the BBC after two comedians compared their comeback to that of Michael Jackson.

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis, speaking days after Jackson had announced his comeback tour at the O2 Arena, said on Radio 4's 'Now Show': "I can't decide which '80s celebrities I want back less. Michael Jackson or the IRA".

The BBC website reportedly compounded the insult by saying on their website: “Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis discuss the return to Britain of undesirables, from Michael Jackson to the IRA.

Mr P O'Neill, of the Irish Republican Publicity Bureau, said that members of the Real IRA and Continuity IRA, who shot back to prominence last week with a series of pointless, brutal shootings, were horrified when they heard about the joke.

He added, "we were told about the comments and we're appalled. It is a disgusting slur. To be compared to a surgery-addicted, alleged kiddy-fiddling loon is not funny, it is highly offensive". It is believed that a formal complaint has been made to the BBC, and that members of the Real IRA are seeking a public apology from Punt and Dennis.

The 'Real IRA comeback tour' has not been as successful as its members had hoped, mainly because nobody's interested in their act any more. Additionally, the performers in their recent gig at Massareene Army Base were so unpopular (especially with the Provisional IRA) that they have had to go into hiding. Hopefully at the bottom of the Liffey.

Michael Jackson was unavailable for comment, as he was busy blowing Bubbles.


Heston Reopens Fat Duck Restaurant

The Willy Wonka of fine dining ponders his next esoteric marvel.

Michelin-starred celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal has reopened his exclusive Fat Duck restaurant, with a new menu he claims is even more ground-breaking than before.

The chef, who has previously wowed diners with delights including egg-and-bacon ice cream and snail porridge, has now introduced bacteria, microbes and fungal spores to his range of exotic ingredients. New additions to the menu include:

White Chocolate, Elephant Sperm and Norovirus Layer Cake;

Foie Gras and Botulinum Parfait, with an Athlete's Foot Jus;

Candied Candiru and Herpes Bake, served on a bed of wilted Belladonna.

In a press conference surrounded by his team of Oompa-Loompa chefs, the 'Willy Wonka of fine dining' said, "I'm sure that guests will welcome the new dishes. I'm especially pleased with the Anthrax, Banana and Echidna Broth, which is served with an E-Coli zabaglione. It's a taste sensation, both going down and coming back up!".

For the opening night, Blumenthal is also offering a Limited Edition Parliament Special of Gordon Brown's bogies, served on rice-paper Environmental Health legislation and garnished with Roy Hattersley's dribble.

When approached for comment on this ground-breaking new menu, fellow Michelin-starred chef Gordon Ramsay said - well, you can imagine what he said.


Thursday, March 19, 2009

The Pursuit of Hedonism - Chapter Two



The second chapter of Dungeekin the Elder's meisterwerk is now online.

To whet the appetites of my readers, hungry for more of My Father's Voice, I give you this small snippet:

Let me nail my colours to the mast here, if modern day vessels have such a thing, I have nothing against homosexuality, lesbianism, transvestitism, transexuality, or trans Siberian sexuality, which is of course doing it in the snow. It is only that I would like it to be a voluntary act between any number of consenting adults, not a compulsory demonstration of non-discrimination. I do not want it rammed down my throat, or indeed any other orifice.

Go there. Enjoy. Comments welcome, but keep them polite please, I have no wish to suffer his Wrath.


Mass Arrests in Website Sting Operation



An unprecedented 18 million UK residents have been arrested today by Police, following a major sting operation.

In a combined covert operation managed by the Labour Party, MI5 and the Serious Organised ThoughtCrime Unit of the Metropolitan Police, the huge number of arrests made have revealed the deep roots of traitorous conduct in the UK amidst those who should love Ingsoc and Big Brown.

Speaking from the Ministry of Love, Justice Minister Laventiy Straw outlined the 'sting' operation, saying, "the units involved launched a spoof website, which invited people to tell us, in 140 characters or less, what they would like to say to the Prime Minister".

"18 million of those responses were seditious in some way, with some daring to question Big Brown's economic genius, some denying that he is the Saviour of the World, and some even suggesting that The Worlds' Greatest Economist should stand down".

Mr Straw said that some 'known political traitors', believed to include a cabal of saboteurs known only by their internet personae as 'Obnoxio', 'Dungeekin, and Guido Fawkes'were also guilty of making comments on the spoof pages that were "tantamount to terrorism". He added, "Dungeekin's in particular was violent, scatalogical and, according to the Chief Medical Officer, physiologically impossible. Besides, Gordon doesn't even have a pet chinchilla".

The Justice Minister paid tribute to the Internet Service Providers who had been 'very helpful' in providing the addresses of all 18 million miscreants, a task made easier following the recent legislation on Communications Endpoint Monitoring.

Those arrested are to be held in specially-constructed prison camps until such time as the required laws can be enacted to reintroduce capital punishment for Sedition, Treason and Saying Nasty Things About Gordon.


Dear Local Council. . .


Dear Local Council

I was most interested and enlightened to read this article on Pravda today. Apparently, people from outside the EU moving to the UK to work or study will have to pay £50 to cover the cost of the services they use, and it gave me a wonderful idea.

Clearly, if it only costs £50 for an immigrant, with all the services, benefits and so on that they require, then my cost should be considerably lower.

  • I work and pay taxes, therefore I am not a drain on the Benefits system.

  • We own our own home, so place no drain on public-sector housing.

  • I've never had so much as a parking ticket, so have not cost the Police time or money.

So - from what I can establish, the only cost I place on local council resources is my refuse collection. Given that it only costs £50 to give an immigrant everything they need, I am sure that emptying my bin once a week must cost considerably less than that.

However, in my typical community-minded spirit, I'm happy to reach an accommodation. I'll cancel my monthly payment towards the £1500 per year you charge me for all the services I don't use, and will instead send you a cheque for £50. As a goodwill gesture, I'll even do it annually. That should cover it, right? Right?

Or am I subsidising this 'visa charge' by a few quid?

Yours questioningly

Dungeekin


PS: Sorry about the picture of Minnie Mouse, but she's the NuLieBore goon fronting this scam.




Muhammad's Carpet to be Auctioned

Muhammad's carpet

A carpet, purchased 150 years ago to decorate the tomb of the Prophet Muhammad in Medina is due to be auctioned today.

The carpet, which is largely red and blue and decorated with pearls, was made in the 1860's and was bought by the Prophet's descendants in around 1860 from their local branch of Courts. It was used between 1860 and around 1909 as a decoration to the tomb's bathroom, where its rubber backing was seen as a godsend. Or, obviously enough, an Allahsend.

The current owner, a Mr A Hamza of Belmarsh, is reported to be selling the precious loomed heirloom to pay for some snout he owes 'Crusher' Willis on B Wing, said, "It's as good a piece of Wilton as anyone's going to find, I'm sad to be getting rid of it, truth be told".

Auctioneers Floggit Gavel have been commissioned to sell the rug, are expecting it to sell for 'upwards of £5, perhaps as much as £20', and orange antique specialist David Dickinson said, "at that price it's cheap as chips, and it'll be right as rain once someone gets the stains out".

This is the first of the carpets from the Prophet's tomb to be sold on the open market. A stair carpet, believed to have been used in Muhammad's student days when he resided in a 3-bedroom semi in Luton, is due to be sold next week and has a reserve price of £0.99 on eBay.


Max Clifford to Sue Liam Neeson


Tabloid publicist Max Clifford has today announced that he is to sue the estate of Natasha Richardson, tragically killed yesterday in a skiing accident.

In a statement released through his solicitors Frameup, Chasem & Ambulance, Mr Clifford stated that the legal action was to compensate him for loss of earnings after Ms Richardsons' death denied him the front pages of the tabloids.

Mr Clifford said, "It's disgusting, quite frankly. I know that Natasha Richardson was an attractive, warm, genuinely talented award-winning actress, and part of a theatrical dynasty. I know that she's been married to another extremely talented actor for years, and managed to stay out of the headlines. But I've got Jade Goody, and I have to work with the material I'm given - so I want compensation for her inconsiderate act while I'm in the middle of trying to milk this cash-cow".

'OK' Magazine have confirmed that they are not to produce an Obituary edition for Ms Richardson, because she's actually dead and they can't get photos and interviews of a corpse.

In a separate but related development, Jade Goody today harangued reporters in a telephone conference from her sickbed, screaming, "look at me! I'm dying! Me! Look at me!".

Liam Neeson and the extended Redgrave family have declined to comment, as they have more dignity.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Obituary - Jade Goody 1981-2009

Well, as it appears that 'OK! Magazine' are doing it, then I don't see why I shouldn't.

*****

The United Kingdom, and the worlds of Literature, Art and Science are united in grief today at the announcement of the tragic passing of Jade Goody at just 27 years old.

Fighting back tears, Gordon Brown paid tribute to Jade and her works, describing her as, "the brightest light in Britain's firmament". He added, "we shall never see another who gave so much of herself, and who contributed so greatly to the advancement of knowledge around the world".

Born Janet Goodlington-Smythe to a family of itinerant Essex pig-felchers, it was expected that Jade would join the family business - but her brilliance and talent made it clear from an early age that she was destined for greatness. By the age of 13, she had already passed 6 A-Levels and produced an anthology of poetry that was described by Poet Laureate Andrew Motion as 'worthy of the finest of Wordsworth'.

After achieving a double First in Mathematics and Classics at St. Hildas College Oxford at the tender age of 17, Janet changed her name to Jade Goody and pursued her love of literature to the full. At 19, she published a translation of Dante's Divine Comedy that stands to this day as the definitive masterwork. Turning to art, Jade's first exhibition of work at Tate Modern rendered Brian Sewell accentless, and won her the Turner Prize.

At 20, Jade took a year off before changing careers again, this time bringing her artistic talents to the screen. During her 'gap year', as she described it, she found time to row single-handed around the world backwards, and also carried out the first solo trek by a woman to both Poles, in doing so beating Sir Ranulph Fiennes' long-standing speed record.

Jade's rise to stardom as an actress was, unsurprisingly, meteoric, and within a year she had been awarded her first Oscar for Best Actress. However, it was widely considered that her work with Shilpa Shetty, which netted her a Best Supporting Actress Oscar, was her best moment overall.

Despite a hectic schedule, Jade found time to work tirelessly for good causes across the globe. Her boundless energy was applied to innumerable projects, and she is credited directly with the achievement of peace in the Middle East following her ground-breaking tripartite negotiations with Israel and Palestine. Her radical approach to community relations led to the implementation of a stable unity government in Zimbabwe, and she was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for her single-handed resolution of the conflict in Sudan.

Despite being diagnosed with a terminal illness, Jade fought bravely and with dignity, and in her last months she retreated to a sanatorium in Hertfordshire, where she returned to her studies. Her final work, a mathematical system for the generation of cold fusion, is currently being studied by teams of physicists at Oxford, Cambridge, MIT and CERN.

Jade is survived by her husband, golf-club tester Jack Tweedy, and two children, and we offer them our sympathy.

Jade is to receive a State Funeral at Westminster Abbey, to be presided over by the Archbishop of Canterbury, who she counted among her personal friends. Sir Elton John has also announced that he will be performing at the service.

The United Nations has announced a three-day National Mourning Period to allow all those devastated by the loss of this great woman to come to terms with their grief. In the UK, following reports of suicides and mass displays of grief in the streets, the Government has made a counselling helpline available.

If you have been affected by the loss of this paragon of all that is Best in Britain, call the 'Oh My God, Jade Goody's died and I just can't handle it' Helpline on:

(0800) 66 47328 5677**




**(working out the text version is left as an exercise for the reader)



Call for Enquiry Over Stafford NHS Trust

'All Hope Abandon, Ye Who Enter Here'

The Government and patient care groups have called for an immediate public enquiry into failings at the flagship Mid-Stafford NHS Trust, following the revelation that up to 400 patients may have actually survived a stay at the hospital.

According to a report by the Healthcare Commission, despite managers' best efforts to bring the hospital to the required standards - said standard being that of a field hospital in the Crimean War - an 'unacceptable proportion' of patients had survived in-patient treatment, with fewer than targeted contracting MRSA.

Mr Nulab Shill, of the Healthcare Commission, said, "we appreciate that managers did their best to reduce patient care costs, and we applaud their innovation in the use of untrained receptionists as triage nurses and the brilliance of shuffling waiting patients into a disused area so they couldn't be counted for statistics, the fact remains that an unacceptable proportion of service users were successfully treated". However, Mr Shill added that he was delighted with the Trusts' increase in c. difficile cases, saying, "this proves that they can fuck up patients in the best traditions of NHS Trusts, and shows potential for the future".

The Trusts' Standards Director, Ms Bea N Counter, expressed dismay at the Commission's findings and said, "Mid-Staffs NHS Trust will continue to innovate in patient mismanagement. We are now to trial a scheme using illegal Khazakstani immigrants, currently on our cleaning team, to act as cardio-thoracic surgeons, and will be having our triage carried out by residents of the secure Mental Health Unit next door. We are confident that by this time next year, we will have reached the highest standards of unnecessarily dead patients demanded by Government".

Health Secretary Alan Johnson declined to comment, as he's with BUPA.