Government Introduces New 'Cohesion' Laws

Following the outcry over the Geert Wilders incident, the Government is to introduce new legislation to preserve social cohesion.

Under the terms of the new legislation, to be announced today, all references to Christianity and Atheism are to be banned, and the following new rules introduced:

• Public-sector workers who offer Christian prayers are to be removed from their posts;
• All Christian assemblies are to be banned, and all assemblies suspended until school halls are all redesigned to point to Mecca;
• All 'Atheist Bus' signs are to be removed as they are an incitement to religious hatred. They are to be replaced with non-offensive signs saying 'Allahu Akbar';
• The Queen's role as head of the Anglican Church and 'Defender of the Faith' is to be restructured, and will now be defined as 'Defender of Islam';
• Fast-food outlets to offer only Halal dishes.
• Any and all negative comment or discussion pertaining to Islam is to be banned under rules forbidding incitement of religious hatred. The only people allowed to preach hatred will now be Imams.
  

In a further development, it has been announced that Geert Wilders, the controversial and distasteful Dutch politician whose overblown, extreme and ugly anti-Islamic film 'Fitna' was the cause for his arrest at Heathrow Airport yesterday, is to be executed for apostasy. The beheading is to be carried out by Labour peer Lord Ahmed, who welcomed the Government announcement as 'a good day for Britain', and has vowed to amass 10,000 supporters of the new legislation to celebrate outside Parliament.

Speaking outside the Home Office, and wearing a burqa, Home Secretary Jacqui Beria said, "it is right that we introduce legislation to ensure social cohesion in these difficult times. I know that many people feel that extremist Islamists preach hatred and violence against the West, but we feel that rather than allow others to state their equally bigoted arguments, and have the whole lot torn apart by rational debate, it's better simply to concede to the extremists. Er. Insh'Allah. Yes."

Ms Beria added, "obviously this legislation does put some small inconvenience on moderate Muslims, ordinary Christians, atheists and normal people. But this Government believes that it's better to suppress free speech and argument than be like the Tories and stand up for free speech, even if what is being said is distasteful".

Microsoft bounty for worm creator

The average Windows network

A reward of $250,000 has been offered by Microsoft to find out who was behind the Downadup/Cornficker virus.

Since it started circulating in October 2008, the virus has infected millions of PCs worldwide, including, hospital computers and even Royal Navy warships.

Steve 'Monkey Boy' Ballmer, speaking from the specially-constructed climbing frame in his office, said, "it is essential that we track down the creator of this virus as a matter of urgency. Therefore we are offering the reward for information leading to the name and location of the writer, and we have the black helicopters on standby".

He added, "The simple fact is, this one coder has done more damage to Windows networks than our entire team of developers have managed with since Windows ME was released. Clearly he's highly skilled, and we should really have him working here at Microsoft on our kernel team".

"Someone like this could do wonders for us in the development of Windows 7, finding new and innovative ways to crash and destroy data at the worst possible moment. This person should not be writing viruses - he should be a Developer! Developer! Developer! Developer!".

The Cornficker virus is the latest major security headache for the software giant, following on the heels of Sasser, Blaster, MyDoom, SoBig, CodeRed, ILoveYou and every single other one, going back years. And years. And years.

Former Apple CEO Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment, as he was consulting his turtleneck and suffering uncontrollable fits of laughter.

Film-Maker Banned from UK

A controversial film-maker has been banned from entering the UK, just hours before he was due to speak to Parliamentarians and show his film.

It has emerged that following threats of protests, the Home Office has rescinded Mr Stephen Spielberg's visa to enter the country, citing national cohesion as the reason.

Spielberg's ground-breaking film, 'ET: The Extra-Terrestrial' has provoked a storm of controversy, containing graphic images of alien interaction with young children, apparent death and reincarnation, and flying bicycles.

Yesterday Spielberg was presented with a letter written on behalf of the Home Secretary stating that she ‘is satisfied that your statements about aliens, as expressed in your film 'ET; The Extra-Terrestrial' and elsewhere would threaten community harmony and therefore public security in the UK.’

Soon-to-be-jailed Labour firebrand Lord Ahmed had campaigned against the film being shown to Parliamentarians due to its 'insulting' content, and had threatened to bring 'an army of 10,000 Flat-Earthers' to Westminster to protest were the film to be shown.

Child protection groups have also been up in arms at the showing of 'ET'. Ms Hilary Dour, of the pressure group Action Against Anything At All, has been vocal in her opposition to Spielberg's entry to the country. Speaking from her padded room, she railed, "this disgusting film shows aliens interacting with vulnerable young people without CRB checks having been done, or any involvement of a responsible adult. It also promotes dangerous behaviour on the part of children, including flying on their bicycles. Won't someone please think of the. . oh, yes Nurse, it is time for my injection".

However, senior Peers Baroness Cox and Lord Pearson have condemned the decision to deny Mr Spielberg access. In a statement, they said, "They react in fury and menace to our intention to show the film and have boasted that their threats of aggressive demonstrations prevented its previous showing in the Mother of Parliaments. This was not the case – the event was postponed to clarify issues of freedom of speech. The threat of intimidation in fact increases the justification for the film to be shown and discussed in Parliament and by the British and international press.

"Indeed, any alleged threats associated with Lord Ahmed of attempts to prevent the showing of the film would themselves be a confirmation of the film’s message and the need for it to be shown".

ET himself was unavailable for comment, as he was making a phone call.

Twittertitters for Comic Relief!

So there's yet another use for Twitter, as it's now being used to raise cash for charidee.

Linda Jones and Louise Bolotin are using Twitter to collect and edit funny short stories, prose and poems for a book - Twittertitters - to be published in aid of Comic Relief.

The resulting book will be published by self publishers Lulu.com, with all proceeds going to Comic Relief.

If you're interested (and if you write funny stuff and/or are interested in supporting Comic Relief, you should be) then check it out here, and send them some work. Short stories, scripts, poems and prose will all be accepted for the anthology and the word limit is 1,400 words. Copyright for the work is retained by the writer.

I've submitted 'Musings on Squirrels' for (hopefully) publication, and am happy to openly offer Twittertitter access to any other piece on here that they think is funny enough and appropriate for the book.

If you're on Twitter, please do follow Linda and Louise, retweet their messages and help with publicising the book as it's for a pretty damn good cause.

More posts on the book and its progress will follow.

Hunting Ban to be Lifted

The Government has announced a lifting of the ban on hunting with hounds, just five years after its much-vaunted Hunting Act was introduced.

In an Early Day Motion tabled today by Chancellor Alistair Slugbalancer, the Government is to reintroduce the hunting of bankers under licenced and controlled conditions.

Mr Slugbalancer said, "everyone knows that we shouldn't hunt foxes because they're lovely, bright-eyed, gentle and pretty little creatures who never harm anything and who live an organic, vegan existence and never slaughter every chicken in a hen-house. I should know, I live in Islington.

"But we know that bankers are the most evil creatures on the planet, greedy and venal, and they bite the heads of company directors and things, so it's OK to hunt them into the ground and have them torn apart by hounds. We plan to start next Sunday with Fred Goodwin and go from there".

Under the terms of the Motion, bankers will be stripped naked, drenched in fox urine and, to imitate the fox's brush, will have a feather duster inserted into their bottom. They will then be released into the wild and given a 10-minute head start before being hunted across hill and dale by the hounds.

The Countryside Alliance welcomed the Government's move, saying that it would give them a chance to chase and murder something, and the Motion has also been backed by Guardian readers and commenters on Labour propaganda site Labialist.

Sky TV is understood to be bidding on the rights to broadcast the hunts, and sponsorship offers have flooded in from shareholder groups across the country.

However, the RSPCA has condemned the suggestion as 'cruel and sadistic', with spokesman Bert Doglover saying, "this is an absolute act of torture. How anyone can say it's acceptable to allow hounds to eat bankers I don't know. It's not fair on the dogs at all - it'll play merry hell with their digestion".

Musings on Squirrels

Lunch

I have just had a brilliant idea. A brainwave, if you will.

You see, I was reading this piece about the outcry over plans to slaughter Grey Squirrels - how they are to be bludgeoned to death in order to save the poor, endangered little Red Squirrel from extinction (or worse, only being able to live in Scotland), and it got me thinking.

Don't get me wrong, I've never really been a big fan of squirrels anyway - personally I think that far from being cutesy, bright-eyed little fellas with an entertaining way of grasping their nuts, they are in fact sinister, evil little members of the rat family with a bushy tail and a good PR company. So obviously, the problem's with the 'senseless killing' bit. But then, the brainwave hit me.

We're in a credit crunch, and we're told that the price of everything has risen quite steeply. Loss of income, loss of jobs and so on mean that we're all tightening our belts. And here, folks, is a perfect antidote to the problem of not being able to afford meat in the weekly shop. Just pop down to your local park, set a few traps, and you have a delicious meal on your plate. Squirrel probably even tastes like chicken. Of course, you still have to despatch your rodent - here I'd recommend sticking with the bludgeoning, ideally using a steak mallet, because 1: it'll help tenderise your meat for later, and 2: it's enormous fun.

And there's a second benefit as well. As we know, Nanny has given us a telling off this very day, entreating us to eat less fat - less butter, low-fat cheese and the like - and to eat leaner meat. Well, how much leaner do you want? Squirrels are free-range, eat an organic acorn-based diet, and given the amount of amusing scampering around they do, I doubt there's much fat on them. Job done.

There you go. A solution to the food crisis, the credit crunch, improved public health and a better environment for the native Red Squirrel.

No, no, don't thank me. In fact, I'll even give you a recipe to start with. Bon appetit.

'Ecureuil En Papillotte'

• First, take your squirrel and bludgeon it for the oven.
• Bludgeon it some more. Feels good, doesn't it?
• Peel and disembowel your squirrel (purist torturers may wish to do this before the bludgeoning, as it can improve the flavour).
• Wrap in greasepoof paper with two garlic cloves, a sprig of rosemary, two slices of onion and shredded fieldmouse to taste.
• Cook in the oven for 25 minutes at Gas Mark 6.
• Remove from the oven, and leave to rest for ten minutes.
• Open the greaseproof paper, and inhale deeply.
• Throw it away and order a Pizza.

In Which Dungeekin is Judge Jules. . .

Live and in effect, this is Judge Dungeekin on the decks, rolling another phat one from Raplog.

Big shout-out goes to Derek Draper and the Labialist not-very Massive. Innit.

A Note to the Nanny State

So apparently I'm eating too much saturated fat, as are 75% of us. This means I am, apparently, driving headlong to an early grave, which will somehow be prevented if I skip my lunchtime cheese-and-pickle sandwich.

This staggering fact is behind the latest Nanny campaign to make us eat less cheese and butter, eat leaner meat and so on. Apparently these changes will result in around 3500 fewer deaths per year.

Or, in other words, 3500 more miserable people, eschewing any enjoyment of their sustenance in favour of a few more years of a joyless existence.

But if you listen to the words of Nanny, you won't eat red meat, drink alcohol, have butter on your bread (actually, you won't have bread as it's starchy), won't have a dessert, won't have a cigar to celebrate your child's birth. No salt on your food, no sugar in your tea - and $DEITY help you if you use sweeteners instead, they'll give you Cancer. No port with the cheeseboard - no cheeseboard unless it's low-fat cottage cheese. You going to eat that Big Mac? Tut tut.

You won't ever drive fast, take your children sledging, eat that second helping, have a Sunday roast, have a second pint, have a one-night-stand, go out in the sun, ride a motorcycle, try a recreational drug, play rugby, enjoy a good single malt, do anything Nanny deems silly, high-risk, dangerous or hazardous to health.

No fun. No joy. No experiences. NO LIFE.

It's life. Our life. We only get one of them, and it's too short not to enjoy it.

Do these people seriously believe that death can be somehow abolished if we all eat nothing but curly Kale? Will I be immortal if I get my 5-a day? Does longevity count for all, no matter what pleasures are foregone in the pursuit of those elusive few extra years? Should I enclose myself in a hermetically-sealed oxygen tent in the vain hope that pure air will see me to a ripe old age?

I think not.

Leaving aside the additional drain we're told an aging population puts upon the pension and healthcare systems, a life lived without experience, joy and pleasure is not a life lived. It is a life wasted.

I would sooner die at 50, having filled every minute of every hour of every day with good food, good experiences and a good life, than die at 100 having missed out on everything this world has to offer.

I will eat what I wish to eat, when I wish to eat it. If I fancy an occasional smoke, I will do so. If I want to do a parachute jump, or ride my motorbike in the rain, or eat deep-fried Camembert, or get smashed on Scotch, you know what? I'm going to do it. And you can bet I'll do anything else that's interesting, fun and enjoyable.

So Nanny - thank you for your opinions, your chiding television advertisements, the constant reporting from the sandalistas at Pravda. But I, and most right-thinking people, don't need the enjoyment of our lives intruded on by your constant, hectoring simper. I'm a big boy, thank you, and I can (and will) make my own decisions about how to live my life.

And Nanny? Trust me on this. You may outlast me - but you won't have outlived me.

Balls in Honesty Shocker

Ed Balls yesterday, describing the experience of rimming Gordon Brown

Downing Street has sought to downplay remarks made by (soon-to-be-ex) Cabinet Minister Ed 'Blinky' Balls, in which he allegedly said something honest.

Mr Balls, a former economic adviser to Gordon Brown (which says a great deal) and Brown's current favoured sphincter-licker, was speaking at Labour's Yorkshire conference when the remarks were made.

According to the Yorkshire Post, Mr Balls said, "we are now seeing the realities of New Labour, though at a speed, pace and ferocity which none of us have seen before. The reality is that this is becoming the worst Government for, I'm sure, over 100 years as it will turn out".

Downing Street have attempted to play down the significance of his remarks, insisting he had been pointing out the unique nature of the current crap Government and was not predicting that the impact on ordinary people would be worse than that experienced during the Winter of Discontent in the '70s.

But Opposition Leader David Cameron pounced on the remarks, saying, "this just shows how bad the Government have become, when even they have no clear message about their own incompetence. Is Ed Balls spilling the beans here and telling us that the government see themselves as slightly more useless than they have tried to portray?"

Speaking via seance, former Labour Prime Minister James Callaghan welcomed the comments, adding 'I always knew Gordon could do it. I'm proud of the lad. It takes a lot of effort to screw a country up - God knows I know how hard it is - and he's done a better job than even I managed. I look forward to his 'no-confidence' vote in due course".

We contacted Mr Balls for clarification of his remarks, but he simply responded, "so what?".

More Weather Warnings for the UK

Britain's weather continues to surprise and shock, with the Met Office tonight issuing further Severe Biblical Plague Warnings across the UK.

Hard on the heels of the recent unprecedented blizzards and today's heavy rain, which has itself caused an increased risk of flooding in many areas, the Met Office has announced the following climate 'hotspots':

• A Rain of Frogs sweeping into North Wales and moving eastward, finally dispersing over West Yorkshire later;
• A Rain of Fire and Hail over the Highlands of Scotland, turning to sleet over Glasgow as it loses hope;
• A Plague of Locusts over South-East England and Kent, freshening;
• Outbreaks of boils in East Anglia, which is OK as nobody will notice.
  

Rumours that the rivers Thames, Severn and Mersey are to turn into blood have been dismissed by weather experts as 'ludicrous', though a Plague of Flies may roll into from the North Sea over the next 48 hours.

Communities Lunatic Hazel Blears appealed for calm in the face of JHVH's wrath on the country, and sought to reassure everyone that there was no danger to their first-born. In a hastily-convened Press conference, Blears insisted, "The UK is perfectly safe. Remember, as Lord Mandelson told us, Gordon Brown is Moses himself so the British people are completely safe in His care".

Opus Dei weirdican Ruth Kelly was unavailable for religious comment, as she was playing with her cilice, but BBC Weather Girl Carol Kirkwood said, "We advise people not to travel, as getting a frog in the face at terminal velocity is not likely to make for a good day".

WWF Issues Appeal for Endangered Species

The latest extinction in the Managerium species

The Worldwide Fund for Nature has started a new appeal on behalf of a species it says has now been recognised as among the world's most endangered.

The Greater-Mouthed Premiership Manager, or Managerium Footballaris, is now so under pressure that the average life expectancy of the animal has dropped to just five months. The strain of a life lived in the spotlight of high-risk hunting for results, predatory referees and the demands of species further down the food chain, primarily the genus Professional Footballer (Primadonna Kickaballabout), has resulted in a dwindling pool of available specimens.

Randy Savage, spokesman for the WWF, said today, "something needs to be done to protect the F. Managerium species before it becomes completely extinct. Just today we heard that we had lost two more rare breeds - Luis Felipe Scolari (M. Brazilis) and Tony Adams (M. Buttuglius). This decimation of the species cannot be allowed to continue".

A Premiership source defended the survival rate of managers, saying that the attrition was 'within reasonable parameters' and, though there were some issues regarding poaching, they were looking at methods of breeding managers in captivity to ensure an ongoing supply in the wild.

We attempted to view the rare and unstable species Kevin Keegan (M. Flapaboutallot) but sadly he just started into a rant about Alex Ferguson and we lost interest.

Noel Edmonds for Prime Minister

'Nuff said.

I applaud you, Sir.

Guttenberg Named as German Economics Minister

Mr Guttenberg with the new German Minister for Sexual Health

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has appointed Steve Guttenberg as her new Economics Minister today, following the resignation of former incumbent Michael Glos.

The new role is a significant departure for Guttenberg, 51, who will step away from his straight-to-DVD movie career in order to deal with the current crisis in Germany, as it struggles to maintain confidence during the sharpest economic downturn in post-war history.

Ms Merkel defended her choice of the relatively-inexperienced Guttenberg, saying, "I was watching Police Academy and it's clear that Mr MahoneyGuttenberg is very skilled at turning round failing situations. I therefore believe that his approach of well-meaning incompetence will do wonders in these difficult economic times".

Mr Guttenberg has already announced new positions within the Economics Ministry, including Tom Selleck and Ted Danson to handle social engagements, and a human beat-box to act as Press Officer and to keep visiting dignitaries entertained.

Ms Merkel dismissed the opinions of critics who compared her to Commandant Lassard, adding, "I have had many, many, wonderful experiences watching the Police Academy films and 'Three Men and a Baby'. I know many, many people will question my choice, but I'm sure I'm right".

Home Secretary Admits Expenses Error

Home Sec Jacqui Beria selecting which pool of taxpayer cash to dip into next

Hapless Home Secretary Jacqui Beria has admitted that she was wrong to have claimed a total of £116,000 of taxpayers money for lodging at her sister's house in London.

Mzzz Beria had reported to Parliamentary authorities that the house in her constituency she shares with her husband and children was her second home, which allowed her to claim the money - paid tax-free - from the Additional Costs Allowance pool.

However, speaking to journalists yesterday while writhing scantily-clad on a bed strewn with £50 notes, Mzzz Beria admitted that the claim was 'an error of judgement' that she would be rectifying in future.

She added, "I've made such a cock-up. It turns out I could have been claiming £24,000 per year and I've only actually been claiming £22,000. It's so embarrassing. I will, of course, be making a full apology to the House for failing fully to dig my Stalinist snout into the trough".

Mzz Beria defended classing her family home as the second home, saying, "it's perfectly legitimate and right to do so, as it allows full exploitation of the expenses system. And anyway, who would want to admit to living in Redditch?"

The Home Secretary earns a Ministerial salary of £142,000 and claimed a further £152,000 in expenses in the '06-'07 financial year - including £40,000 paid to her husband who is apparently her assistant, despite living almost 120 miles away from her day-to-day office.

Toxic Ship Set for Brit Recycling

A former French warship carrying 700 tonnes of 'contaminated material' has reached British shores ready to be stripped for recycling.

The ship, formerly known as the Clemenceau, has joined other 'ghost ships' berthed at Graythorp in Teesside.

However, environmental campaigners have warned that its cargo, believed to be 700 tonnes of Celine Dion and Michael Bolton CDs, would be deeply harmful and should not be permitted near British shores.

Ms Hilary Dour, of pressure group Action Against Anything At All, screamed, "this is outrageously dangerous, allowing such a vast quantity of crap music into the British environment. There are even reports that the cargo may contain Milli Vanilli and, worse, Mariah Carey. We cannot allow this aural destruction to go unprotested - won't somebody please think of the children?".

An anonymous member of Hartlepool's Green Party also protested the arrival of the ghost ship, saying, "A lot of people don't want Hartlepool turned into a dumping ground. It's bad enough we've already got Mandelson".

Len Crushit, of recycling contractor Crushit, Smeltit & Sellit PLC, defended the safety of the planned works. He explained, "nobody will be exposed to Celine Dion's wailings as a part of the recycling process. Our workers are specially trained to endure awful screeching, and we have soundproofing and contamination systems capable of handling anything up to and including Minnie Ripperton".

Lord Mandelson of Foy and Hartlepool doesn't live there, so wasn't bothered.

In Which Dungeekin Is Jonathan Ross. . .

. . . and Jeremy Clarkson, and anyone else who's done it.

A short while ago, I published a supposedly amusing post. Those who spoke to me about it know to which I refer.

The post in question was crass, poorly-considered, offensive and disrespectful to many.

Therefore, on reflection I have deleted the post, it's been taken down, and I have made a donation to the Red Cross Appeal. I offer my unreserved apology to those who were offended by my thoughtlessness.

I'm sorry.

Haulage Industry Reports Increased Traffic

A British truck delivering the latest batch of immigrant workers

Despite the Recession, the Credit Crunch and high fuel prices, Britain's truckers are today reporting a 100% increase in traffic in 2008.

Freight companies have reported an increase in illegal immigrant imports from 1400 in the '06-'07 financial year to a much more healthy 3300 for the 2008 reporting period, and has shown no appreciable slowdown despite economic conditions.

Ramazan Zorlu, of North London human-trafficking company SneakinPeople Ltd, welcomed the increase as a boost to the UK economy, saying, "well, we're doing alright. Our innovative new people-trafficking system can be retrofitted to any lorry, and we've seen a 30% increase in like-for-like smuggling over the last quarter".

Business Minister Lord Mandelson praised the ingenuity of the truckers, and said that this growth vindicated Labour's employment policy. He added, "this increase in imports provides both much-needed revenue to our struggling organised-crime syndicates, as well as an increase in the important services such as traffic-light windscreen-washing, cockle-picking and the sex industry. Plus it keeps the money in circulation, which is the main thing".

French President Nicola Sarkozy also hailed the announcement, which he claimed was in part due to a ground-breaking new agreement signed between the French Government and Albanian organised-crime syndicates. M Sarkozy said, "Our exports are up 100% since the deal was signed, and anyway - now it's the problem of les rosbifs", before bursting into uncontrollable laughter and popping off to give Carla one.

An Albanian private sector worker, contacted for their opinion while he was washing this Correspondent's windscreen, declined to comment.

Prince Philip To Divorce

Prince Philip showing the scars of his latest beating

HRH Prince Philip, consort to Queen Elizabeth II, has filed for divorce, citing 'unreasonable behaviour'. He is also reported to have fled the marital home, and is believed to be staying at a refuge in Hackney.

Racist icon Philip, 126, filed for divorce in Bow Family Court yesterday following reports of domestic violence at Buckingham Palace, which led to him being photographed sporting a black eye.

An anonymous source at the Palace said, "Philip's always been terrified of Liz. She'll be fine for ages - and then she'll have a pink gin too many, and the fists start flying. She and her Mum used to give him a right kicking".

Her Majesty declined to comment, saying, "Get the f*** out of one's face! You want some of one? Do ya? F***ing come on then, one will have you!"

Outrage over Clarkson 'Idiot' Jibe

Outspoken Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson has caused outrage after he branded Prime Minister Gordon Brown a 'one-eyed idiot'.

At a press conference in Sydney, promoting his Top Gear Live tour, Clarkson compared Brown negatively to Australian PM Kevin Rudd, saying, "Poor man - he's actually seen the books. We have this one-eyed Scottish idiot who keeps telling us everything's fine and he's saved the world and we know he's lying, but he's smooth at telling us."

The National Society of Village Idiots immediately condemned the outspoken presenter's remarks, which they said were 'insulting and demeaning to idiots everywhere'. The Society's Patron, Amia Thicki, called for Clarkson to apologise, and added, "the vast majority of UK idiots are decent, honest and hardworking individuals - just a bit thick. To compare them to a venal, psychotic, megalomaniacal whack-job like the Prime Minister is offensive in the extreme".

Labour Minister of Public Enlightenment and Propaganda, Derek GoebbelsDraper, was also quick to castigate 6'5" Clarkson for his comments. He said, "The Prime Minister is a highly intelligent, sensitive man. He is a towering intellect, a genius of our times who should be viewed with the same exaltation as Newton, Einstein and Kim Jong Il. Just look at how masterfully our Great Leader has handled the economy. Clarkson must be made to pay dearly for his sedition against the Glorious One".

In a statement, released to rapturous applause, Jeremy Clarkson apologised unreservedly for the offence he had caused by his remarks. He said, "I realise that calling Gordon Brown a one-eyed Scottish idiot was offensive and has upset many of my fans. In clarification, what I meant to say was that we have a monocular Jock cretin claiming to be in charge, who can't even manage his own bladder control, much less the economy".

SNP Leader Alec Salmond offered your correspondent an interview, but we weren't interested in what the Jocks had to say about it.

News in Brief - 5 February 2009

Country Braced for 'Big Dump'
The UK is braced for a 'Big Dump' overnight, as PM Gordon Brown has his annual bowel movement. Chaos is forecast, as the last time he had one, he shat on the economy.

Bank of England Cuts Interest
The Bank of England announced today that the Monetary Policy Committee was no longer interested in the UK. Governor Mervyn King said, "UK PLC is too far down the pan to save - we're investing in Zimbabwean Dollars".

BB Jade Vows to Keep Working
Jade Goody, winner of Big Brother and celebrity moron, has bravely vowed to keep working despite the sad news of her cancer having spread. Equally dumb Lads Channel Nuts TV has reported signed her for a gender-bending remake of Kojak.

Shock at Millibland's UK Travel Costs
There was shock and outrage after it was revealed that 4 visits to UK cities by David Millibland had cost over £6,000 each. A spokesman said the bulk of the costs were on special-effects artists to make Mr Millibland appear competent.

Jesus Would Understand Recession, Claims Blears
Pint-size Communities Lunatic Hazel Blears has claimed, in a speech to the Evangelical Alliance, that 'Jesus would understand the pressures of the Recession'. After Mandelson recently compared Gordon Brown to Moses, God distanced Himself from the remarks, saying that if they carried on claiming the religious vote, He'd get serious with the Smiting.

Nightclubber Arrested Over Football Allegation

Micah Richards queueing for 'Ritzy's in Manchester last week

England and Manchester City nightclub-drinker Micah Richards has been arrested by police following allegations that he took part in a football match.

Richards, 20, is an up-and-coming star of the Premiership nightspot scene, and has so far been awarded 11 drinking-caps for his country. However, it is alleged that on 31 January, Richards participated in a football match against Stoke City.

The shock allegation comes hard on the heels of two further police enquiries about Liverpool and England drinking ace Steven Gerrard and top Brazilian pint-sinker Robinho, both of whom are currently being investigated by police following allegations of football-playing.

Man City Drinking-Club Manager Mark Hughes said, "we are very supportive of Micah, who denies categorically any accusation of footballing. The police are continuing their enquiries, Micah will cooperate fully, and we hope that he will be fully involved in our drinking session with Middlesborough Ravers on 7 Feb.

A spokesman for Greater Manchester Police said, "we can confirm that a 20-year-old man has been arrested in connection with allegations of playing in a football match. The individual concerned has been bailed pending further investigations.

Former top guzzler George Best was unavailable for comment, due to being dead.

Queen Sacked for Racism

Her Majesty and Prince Philip hosting a recent Klu Klux Klan meeting at Balmoral

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has been summarily dismissed from her post for racism, after it emerged that the gift shop on her Sandringham estate was selling golliwogs.

Rioting broke out as outraged Guardian readers attacked the shop, calling for the immediate dissolution of the Monarchy as a symbol of racial oppression. In a joint statement, the announcement of the sacking of the Queen was made by Prime Minister Gordoom Brown, BBC Director-General Mark Thompson and Trevor Phillips of the Equality and Human Rights Commission.

Mr Phillips said, "it is clear from this egregious act of selling a cuddly toy that the Monarchy is institutionally racist. We have therefore taken the sad decision to summarily dismiss the Queen from her post as Head of State with immediate effect. Gordon Brown will take over as interim Head of State until a racially-acceptable candidate can be selected - we are currently interviewing and have shortlisted Lord Ahmed, Polly Toynbee and a woman in a burqa".

BBC DG Mr Thompson added, "we cannot have racism or derogatory actions of any kind unless they're made about Poles, Jews, black American males or the Royal Family, and even then such comments should only be made by highly-paid professionals or fat obnoxious twats like Chris Moyles. It is therefore right that the Queen should be removed from her post, despite the public apology for her crass actions".

Her ex-Majesty declined to be interviewed, however in a statement her husband Philip said, "I can't see what the bloody problem is. So the doll looks like a nignog. Bloody good show, if you ask me. Better a darkie than a slitty-eyed chink, what?".

Suicidal Stupidity

Dear Helldesk

It never ceases to amaze me that every time I think you can be no more cretinous, you manage to produce an act of such staggering moronity that even Russell Brand would pause.

I remain enormously impressed that even after well over a year of instruction, training and documentation, you still retain precisely no clue about the nature of your duties or the actions you should be taking.

For future reference, calling me at 0200 about a minor FTP issue and starting your conversation with, "I know $COMPANY is outside supported hours, but. . .", is unlikely to do a great deal either for my politeness quotient or for your long-term survival prospects.

Is this some new initiation rite for Helldesk engineers? 'Ring the most sarcastic on-call engineer, in the middle of the night, with a pointless, inane and unsupported query and see if you live'? Is this an assisted suicide bid? Do you actually want to have a life expectancy that makes Jade Goody's seem like Methuselah?

It's well-known that I can kill with a well-aimed epithet. My vitriol has a blast radius so damaging that the Israelis use me instead of white phosphorous. And yet you persist in keeping your brain firmly disengaged before deciding to phone me at stupid o'clock.

I have threatened to set you on fire before, but clearly that hasn't been sufficient warning, you Transylvanian twat. Therefore, please be advised that I intend to hunt you down - and set you on fire by rectally inserting the thermite.

Have a nice day. It's your last.

Love and kisses

Dungeekin

Planned Changes to the Dictionary

Following on from the outrage, recriminations and calls for the execution of Carol Thatcher for using a banned, racist word to describe (apparently) the hair of a white tennis player....

....and the Home Counties cricket club forced to change its name from 'Crusaders' to 'Panthers' following complaints...

It's become clear to me that it's now possible to be offended by just about any word, regardless of subject, context or intent. Many people now, it seems to me, seek to be 'creatively and aggressively offended'. They are looking for words, whatever their use or context, about which to scream their rage and, in doing so, garner attention for themselves and further hamper the freedom of language for everyone else.

Words are just that. Words. They are the building blocks of language, yet alone they mean nothing. It is only by the application of context that words become something more.

So, given that everyone else seems to be doing it, I am proposing my own changes to the dictionary, in order to remove those words that people may find repulsive and offensive.

1. Labour
The term 'Labour' clearly refers to the Labour Party, who are sleaze-ridden, poorly-led and have bankrupted the country. The word is to be proscribed in all instances.

2. Christian
I personally find organised religion abhorrent. Therefore, the word 'christian' offends me. All children named 'Christian' are immediately to be renamed in a less offensive manner.

3. Child
The use of the term 'child' denigrates young people, and is therefore offensive. All use of the word to cease, replaced instead by 'young persons'. Oh wait, this one's already been done.

4. Brown
Initially meant to refer only to a colour, the term 'brown' has been twisted into both a racial slur and, appallingly, now refers to the Prime Minister. As the very sight of him makes me physically sick, the word 'brown' is now banned.

5. Home
This is a possessive term, implying ownership, which may cause offence to the homeless and to the recently repossessed. Therefore, it should no longer be used, but should be replaced with 'evil symbol of capitalist greed'.

6. Dolly
This sexist word denigrates toy mannequins with female characteristics, and must therefore be removed from the lexicon. It has also recently become associated with 'Dolly' Draper, and is used as an offensive term to refer to a rabid left-wing propaganda merchant. Banned.

7. Parent
An archaic term, implying responsibility for one's offspring. As the State now has full legislation in place covering young persons, the term is no longer applicable and may offend those who are unable to conceive. To be removed from the dictionary and replaced, in all instances, with 'responsible adult carers'.

8. Simon Cowell
Offensive, insulting and poorly dressed. Should be summarily executed and expunged from the records.

I will be making the necessary changes to the OED over the next few days - does anyone have any other suggestions? I'll add them to the list.

The Genesis of Twitter

Biz Stone in Creation Mode

In honour of this - 'The Birth of Twitter', I thought I'd help with my own version.

Chapter 1

1 In the Beginning Berners-Lee created the Inter and the Web. 2 And the Web was without Social Media, and void, and the spirit of Biz moved upon the face of the ethernets.

3 And Biz said, "Let There Be Code", and there was Code. 4 And Biz saw that the Code was good; and Biz separated the Code from the ethernets. 5 Biz called the Code Alpha, and it was so. And there were emails and there were reviews, one day.

6 And Biz Said, "Let There Be An Interface in the midst of the Code, that the Users can Tweet from many clients". 7 And Biz made the Interface, and separated the Interface from the waters of the Code. And it was so. 8 And Biz called the Interface the API. And there were emails and there were reviews, a second day.

9 And Biz said, "Let the Code and the API be gathered together into one place, and let the UI appear". And it was So. 10 Biz called the UI Beta. And Biz saw that it was good. 11 And Biz said, "let the Beta go forth into the Internets, and yield testers and early adopters, each according to their nerdiness". And it was so. 12 The Beta brought forth testers and early adopters, each according to their nerdiness. And Biz saw that it was good. 13 And there were emails and there were reviews, a third day.

14 And Biz said, "Let There Be DMs in the Firmament of the Beta to separate the Private from the Public, 15 and let there be Replies so the Users may answer thusly". And is was so. 16 And Biz made the two great Tabs, the Replies to rule the Public, and the DM to Rule the Private. 17 And Biz set them in the firmament of the Beta to give flexibility to users, 18 to rule over the Interface, and to separate the Private from the Public. And Biz saw that it was good. 19 And there were emails and there were reviews, a fourth day.

20 And Biz said, "let the Internet bring forth swarms of Celebs, and let Celebs fly above users in the firmament of the Beta". 21 So Biz created the Twitterstreams and accounts for every Celeb that Tweets, according to their kinds, and created the @Stephenfry account and every Celeb according to its kind. And Biz saw that it was good. 22 And Biz blessed them, saying, "be fruitful and full the twitterstream with your tweets, and the Users will follow and worship". 23 And there were emails and there were reviews, a fifth day.

24 And Biz said, "Let the Web bring forth dicks according to their kinds; stalkers and creeping trolls and spammers according to their kinds". And it was so. 25 And Biz made accounts for the dicks according to their kinds, and everything that creeps upon the Internet according to their kind. And Biz saw that it was good.

26 Then Biz said, "Let us make accounts for the Users, and let them have dominion over their own twitterstreams, and their Followers, that they may Tweet whatever irrelevant bollocks they wish". 27 So Biz created accounts for the Users, and in the disks of The Beta he made images of the accounts. 28 And Biz blessed the Users and said to them "Be fruitful and fill the Twitterstream with your Tweets, and have dominion over your own Twitterstream, and your Followers, that you may Tweet whatever irrelevant bollocks you wish". 29 and Biz said, "Lo, I have given you swarms of celebs to Follow and worship, and the Replies to rule the Public and DMs to rule the Private, and you shall have Twitter conversations. 30 And I have given you dicks according to their kinds, for you to flame, ignore and block". And it was so. 31 And Biz saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there were emails and there were reviews, a sixth day.

Chapter 2

1 Thus the Alpha and the Beta were finished, and all the hosting sorted. 2 And on the seventh day Biz finished the work that he had done. 3 But Biz hadn't sorted scalability, so on the seventh day Biz created the Fail Whale and blessed it, so that he could rest from all His work he had done in creation.

News in Brief - 3 February 2009

Chinese Anger at UK Shoe-Thrower
China has reacted with indignation to the UK student who threw a shoe at Premier Wen Jiabao. They complained that it was a British-made brogue, and therefore an insult to Chinese workers. Gordon Brown is considering a Chinese demand for the death penalty.

Carol Thatcher in Race Jibe Row
'I'm a Celebrity' winner Carol Thatcher is at the centre of a row following an alleged racist remark about a tennis player. There are calls for her to be banned from the BBC after she allegedly called Andy Murray a 'lanky Jock twat'.

More Snow Woes: Britain Faces 10 Inches
Further heavy snowfall is expected this week, with up to 10 inches forecast. BBC Weathergirl Carol Kirkwood predicted national chaos, saying, "anything that gets 10 inches is well and truly fucked".

Donor Kidney Removed Via Vagina
Surgeons have successfully removed a kidney through a woman's vagina. In a press conference, they said their next procedure was to remove a c**t from Downing Street.

A Song for the Cabinet. . .

The Cabinet in session earlier today.
Gordon Brown is second from left, Mandelson centre.

Meet the twats coz the nobs are here,
The nobs who legislate you,
By taxing your savings, your pension and your pay,
And taking a sample of your DNA,
With Brown, and Harman, and Mandelson too,
Our chances of winning a fourth term are few,
SO meet the twats coz the nobs are here,
The nobs who legislate you.
N...
O...
N...O...B...S
Nobs who legislate YOOOOOUUUUU!!

(With apologies to Messrs Croft and Perry).

Researchers Uncover 'Nazi Prayer'

Researchers from the Simon Wiesenthal Foundation have uncovered evidence of the religious heart of the Nazi regime, with the discovery of a redraft of the Lords Prayer written specifically for Adolf Hitler.

The prayer was discovered in an archive of documents in Venezuela, and was written in 1942 by a young theologian named Ratzinger. The document carries Hitler's own signature approving the prayer for distribution and dissemination in radio broadcasts and at rallies throughout Germany.

Our Fuhrer, who art in Himmel
Hallowed be thy bunker
Thy Lebensraum come
Thy blitzkreig be done
In France as it was in Poland
Give us this day our daily Kristallnacht
And forgive us our annexations
As we trample those who stand in the way of a greater Germany
And lead us not into Russia
But deliver us from Stalingrad
For thine is the Himmler, the Goebbels and the Goering
For a thousand years.
Amen

According to the researchers, no record of Ratzinger can be found post-1945. It is believed that he fled the country ahead of the Nuremberg trials, aided by the ODESSA project, and later indications seem to be that he is living somewhere in Italy under an assumed name.

Pope Benedict XVI condemned the rewriting of the prayer, saying, "it's a travesty that a prayer to the Lord should be twisted in such a way. I don't know who could do such a thing.How did you get hold of my papers - I mean, that paper? No, that's not my signature. Honest. Scheisse".

Merkel Joins Papal Holocaust Row

Pope Benedict XVI addressing a rally in Nuremberg yesterday.

The German Government has become involved in the row over the readmission of a Holocaust-denier to the Catholic Church.

The row blew up when UnterSturmbahnfuhrer Pope Von Benedict XVI lifted the excommunication of four bishops, one of whom has claimed that no Nazi gas chambers existed.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has suspended the Pontiff's membership of the Hitlerjugend until he clarifies his comments with regard to Bishop Richard Williamson, who recently told Swedish TV: "I believe there were no gas chambers. I think that two to three hundred thousand Jews perished in Nazi concentration camps but none of them by gas chambers."

A spokesman for His Holiness defended the readmittance of Bishop Williamson, saying that it was nice for the Pope to have 'someone around who understands him'.

When asked directly about the issue by this Correspondent, the Pontiff declined to comment, saying that he was far too busy with his current plans to invade Polandbring peace to all men.

Mugabe: Brown 'Excellent Student'

Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe has praised Prime Minister Gordon Brown as 'an excellent student' after it emerged that marked electoral registers for the Glenrothes by-election have gone missing.

The registers, which are the only record of who actually voted in the by-election, are supposed to be retained for one year in case of an enquiry.

Labour held the Glenrothes seat, laid vacant following the death of John MacDougall, with a majority of 6000 - a surprise result considering the Scottish Labour Party had been consistently behind in the polls throughout campaigning.

However, President Mugabe today revealed that he has been tutoring the Prime Minister in election-management techniques, including:

• Making sure that every corpse in UK graveyards is registered to vote - and does so;
• Ensuring that there are sufficient postal votes registered to guarantee the result;
• Methods to dispose of records after the election so that it can be hailed as 'free and fair'.

Mr Mugabe said, "Mr Brown has been an excellent student, for a colonialist. He quickly learned the rules of 'Banana-Republic' electioneering and, with my help, he ensured that Glenrothes, [population of 47,000] had 1.2 million registered postal voters, all of whom voted Labour".

A spokesman for the Scottish Labour Party hailed Mr Mugabe's assistance, saying, "the ballot papers were counted fair and square in front of the eyes of the world. We couldn't have got away with it without Rob's help".

Mr Mugabe is now reported to be working closely with the Prime Minister in designing Mr Browns' latest fiscal policy.

NOTE:

I was only joking when I wrote THIS last year. But, given the apparent shenanigans at Glenrothes, one starts to wonder whether it could actually happen on a larger scale. I wouldn't put it past the monocular bed-wetter and his minions - if they think it'll keep their grubby paws on power, they'll go for it.

Children to Be Banned

Following yesterday's talks between Prime Mentalist Gordoom Brown and Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao yesterday, the Government has announced planned new cooperative environmental and population legislation.

Under the new laws, announced by the Government's Green Adviser Jonathan Porritt, families will be limited to no more than two children, with further offspring limited to replacement in the event of unexpected death, or subject to confirmation that the prospective parents are Labour voters. Additional allowances may be made to those who plant trees to offset the carbon footprint of their fertile loins.

Sipping a Fairtrade Herbal Latte and swinging in a recycled hemp hammock, Mr Porritt said, "anyone who has more than two children is irresponsible, and is damaging the environment. We need to bring in radical Green solutions, and as such are adopting the Chinese method of limiting families to two children - even if it means increasing abortions, and perhaps adopting the Chinese system for post-partum terminations".

Porritt, who underwent castration five years ago as part of his Green Party nomination process, added, "Our duty should be to Gaea first, and our lineage second. Fecundity is Failure to Face Facts".

However, chav campaigners have already pointed out a loophole in the planned legislation, with Britney Chavette of the Society for Protection of Benefits saying that because the law related only to 'families', the fact that she had six children from six different fathers meant she and other benefit-claimants were not subject to the new laws.

Blatancy Award

I don't normally repost, but this piece from The Landed Underclass is simply fantastic.

*****

One of the advantages of living in the country is that one is unlikely to encounter anything like this [the Times, found by the outraged Obnoxio]:

The Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo) has approved a new generation of cameras that are linked wirelessly and operate in clusters, meaning that speeding drivers will be caught whichever route they take across a wide area… they read numberplates automatically and transmit data instantly to a penalty-processing centre… They are harder to vandalise than Gatso cameras because they are suspended from arms on six-metre poles.

Quite apart from the vandalism aspect (ain’t any of you all heard of a lariat?) there is the usual difficulty.

Valley Bottom is a sedate bit of road, and only about six feet wide by the sheep field, but it is not a cul-de-sac. Once in a while one of the local youths drives along it, as fast as he possibly can, a rusty Citroën Saxo (or it might be a Fiat Punto; all this car talk is really rather soiling, isn’t it?), its intrinsic gasps, rattles, squeaks and waterpump scarcely competing with the exhaust, which instead of a silencer now has part of an euphonium attached to it, and the stereo, the alternator loading of which being the reason why the car can manage no more than 58mph (at 139dB(A)/10m).

Because the driver has (as is his wont) omitted such petit-bourgeois poltroonery as insurance, driving licence and vehicle registration, it will not matter if he is on every visit tracked from low Earth orbit by some huge American spy satellite. Nothing will happen to him; it never does, thanks, no doubt, to his customary precaution of having different number plates, stolen from different cars, on each end of his ungentleman’s conveyance.

The big disadvantages of speed humps as a ‘rat-running deterrent’, or whatever, are that they cost only a modest amount to install (and generate work only for council mateys, not for shadowy surveillance-and-security companies run as sidelines, via holding companies in Switzerland and the Cayman Islands, by members of ACPO, as if policemen would ever do such a thing; for shame), they don’t generate a revenue-stream for anyone, and they might even impede official vehicles.

That the tired old chestnut of ‘global warming’ has to be trotted out to defend this desperate fundraiser probably indicates roughly how blatant it is.

Obnoxio:

More lamp-posts, more piano wire! Will there be enough?

If I may say so: typical young software chap; lives in a dream world. Just you try attaching anything, my lad, let alone piano wire, to any of this modern streamlined, aluminium, low-pressure-sodium type municipal street lighting. If it doesn’t slide straight off then the wretched thing will simply buckle. What we simian, brachiating, favourite-spanner-dragging hardware types call ‘not man enough for the job’.

If this lynch-mob thing is going to work someone is going to have to do one of those GPS-assisted surveys about where to find the surviving proper, traditional, ladder-bracket-equipped, cast-iron Victorian gas-standards, with, given the nature of the beast, an SWL of about 3cwt or so (as opposed to tacky, undersized imitations thereof made in China out of monkey-metal and sold in Bodgitt & Quickley’s to people with plastic Georgian porticos, self-adhesive bullseye windowpanes and fairtrade garden gnomes), and someone else is going to have to organise some kind of booking system, doubtless computerised, for their use, otherwise it’ll be complete chaos when the time comes.

Personally I’m opposed to capital punishment. Such a waste in a case like this, when many hours of harmless family televisual entertainment (and/or a very popular website) could be had from little cameras covering the Jobcentres patronised by our erstwhile ‘leaders’. Their answers to the inevitable questions about ‘aptitudes’ might even be worth putting on the side of a bus.

*****

Hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. I'm off to do an audit of my local lamp-posts.

News in Brief - 2 February 2009

PM Announces New Bailout Package
Following an embarrassing bladder-control incident last Monday, Gordon Brown has announced the nationalisation of incontinence-pant manufacturer Tena. A spokesman said that it was needed because the PM's 'grown out of his Huggies Pull-Ups'.

UK Children 'Unhappiest Ever'
A ground-breaking survey says the lives of UK children are harder than ever before. Government to take away their Playstations and the 'emo' buggers can go back to the mines and sweeping chimneys so they learn what hardship really IS.

Dalai Lama in Hospital
Exiled Tibetan leader Dalai Lama is in hospital in New Delhi for tests following discomfort in arms. Rumours he was trying to emulate the sound of 'one hand clapping' are unconfirmed.

Zimbabwe Dollar Sheds 12 Zeros
Zimbabwe is revaluing its currency, removing 12 zeros with immediate effect. Three zeros are to be loaned to the UK Treasury to help with its Budget deficit. Anyone with £10 in the bank now has £10 grand - congratulations.

Shoe Thrown at Chinese PM
A protester threw a shoe at Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao as he gave a speech at Cambridge University. This is the second shoe-throwing incident recently - shares in Hush Puppy and Clarks rose 15% in anticipation of increased demand.

Government to Legislate for Snow Losses

Following the unprecedented weather which has brought large parts of southern England to a standstill, the Government has pledged to introduce legislation to prevent problems such as this recurring.

With approximately six million people unable to get to work, the Federation of Small Businesses has estimated that the snow, and the attendant transport chaos, has cost the British economy some £1.2 billion in lost revenue.

In an emergency statement to Parliament, Business Minister Peter Mandelson said that the damage to the economy was 'indefensible', and that in order to prevent a recurrence, the Government was introducing immediate legislation.

Mr Mandelson told MPs, "the Prime Minister has considered all the options available to prevent this sort of economic hit, especially in these difficult global times, and has decided that the best option is to implement the Weather Conditions (Emergency Control) Act. Under the terms of this new legislation, the planet will be banned from producing snow over the UK until after the Recession has passed. The same Act will also ban flash-floods and unseasonable heatwaves. This Government is confident of our ability to control the weather, and the new Act will ensure that British workers, in British jobs, will not be impeded in their duties by the inclement conditions".

Mr Mandelson added, "This legislation shows that we are doing everything in our power to keep Britain working, and getting on with the job - unlike the 'do-nothing' Tories, who would not have the courage to legislate against the weather".

A Downing Street spokesman denied reports that Mr Brown has taken to wearing a crown and is now demanding to be known as 'King Cnut, Ruler of the Waves'. David Cameron retorted that the new name was 'merely a typo' to the way most people felt about the Prime Minister.

Pandemic Sweeps Web 2.0

Psychologists have warned of a dangerous new mental illness which is sweeping the Social Media community and may result in fatalities.

Doctors claim that #Hashtagitis, which is linked to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and manifests itself as an overbearing need to ensure every single Tweet is searchable via a #hashtag at least once, is spreading rapidly and threatens the mental health of many in the online world of social media.

There are reports of several Twitter users forcing themselves into a recursive loop, where their #hashtags need to be #hashtagged and those #hashtags also need #hashtagging - until they run out of characters to actually say anything, at which point panic attacks, incontinence and catatonia can set in.

Web 2.0 guru Scobie Brogan voiced his concern, saying, "Hashtagitis, though a mental disorder, is highly contagious - let's face it, the bulk of Social Media wonks aren't exactly stable. We do need to keep this problem front of mind, so I've given it the #hashtag #Hashtagitis. Oh bugger", at which point his head exploded.

The recent weather chaos in the UK has reportedly exacerbated the #Hashtagitis pandemic, with millions of users attempting to fit their every action into the #uksnow hashtag.

More information on this debilitatiing condition, and advice on how to deal with it affected, can be found by searching Twitter for #hashtagitis or #hashtags. Oops.

Vorderman to Front Tory Numeracy Initiative

Carol Vorderman displays the new Budget-calculation system.

Former Countdown presenter Carol Vorderman has been hired by the Conservatives to front their new fiscal policy team, we can exclusively reveal.

A spokesman for David Cameron said that the brunette brainbox was taking time out of her hectic schedule of advertising crappy loan companies to head up a new task force looking at how Government financial policy should work in a post-Recession world.

Under the new fiscal policy proposed by the task force, the Budget would be calculated using a mathematical system whereby the Chancellor would select five numbers from a grid of 20, and a computer would be used to generate a Budget figure from these numbers. The Treasury team will then have 30 seconds to work out how it was created, and allocate the budget accordingly.

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne said, "this new approach is a radical step. Instead of a top-down or bottom-up allocation system, we will be adopting a 'one from the top and four from anywhere else' system. Carol's been explaining it to us, and we're sure it will bring clarity and simplicity to the Budget system".

A Treasury spokesman attacked the Opposition proposals as 'unworkable', saying, "this is another example of the Tory 'do-nothing' policy. We are convinced that the current system, whereby Budget figures are calculated pulling random numbers out of Gordon Brown's arse, is more workable and sustainable in the long term".

Weather Chaos Cripples Britain

Southern Britain is at a standstill today, with unprecedented heavy snow causing travel chaos.

Up to 5cm of snow fell across southern England, resulting in the complete shutdown of Heathrow, London City and Luton Airports, the suspension of bus services in London and most motorways impassable.

There were scenes of panic across the country, as vital public services collapsed under the Polar conditions. News stations have been carrying rolling coverage of the devastation, and emergency disaster procedures are being implemented to prevent further catastrophe.

Rioting broke out in London's financial district after it was discovered that due to the exceptional climactic conditions, Coffee Republic could not serve customers. There have also been reports of panic-buying in supermarkets, as people rush to prepare for an apocalyptic next few days.

The hellish conditions - the worst snowstorms in eighteen years - are believed to be the first sign of the 'End of Days', as predicted in the Book of Daniel. Many God-botherers are openly praying in the streets, though there is disagreement over whether The Beast will manifest himself in cold conditions.

Prime Mentalist Gordon Brown appealed for calm, saying that he was "getting on with the job of protecting people in these times of troubled weather". He added that the Cabinet were considering a 'snow bailout package', and refused to be drawn on whether he would meet with the Four Horsemen should they arrive in London this week.

More snow is expected in the next week, and BBC weathergirl Carol Kirkwood said, "well, basically, we're screwed. We can expect another 5cm of snow over the next three days, which the Met Office believe will lead to the complete breakdown of society".

The Met Office has released a Severe Hyperbole Warning for forecasts over the next three to five days.