Mohammed: "OK, I may have embellished a few details, added some filler . . . "The Prophet Mohammed has today apologised for what he called the 'idiotic actions' of Islamic fundamentalists who have, according to the Prophet, completely misunderstood the key sentiments of his book.
Speaking in a rare manifestation (which, due to an unfortunate spacio-temporal anomaly, happened to be in a Norfolk pig farm), the Prophet, 1432, denied that firebrands such as Toejam CHoudary were acting in His name, and contradicted several key tenets of the Qur'an - the book he actually wrote.
Mr Mohammed said, "y'know, I never wanted all this Jihad stuff going on - it's quite embarrassing really. I mean, I only took the ghostwriting gig as a temp job. I'd been made redundant from Isa & Sons', I was 40 and I needed the work. We never thought it would take off like it did, much less turn into a justification for all this blowing shit up and general violence.
"Anyway, the whole 'transcribing the Word of Allah' thing was pretty dull, as you can imagine, and in all honesty I made a few typos. 'Martyrs', for example, was supposed to be 'Mates'. That bit about the 72 virgins in the Garden and so on? Well, I know it says 'houris', but actually what Allah said was 'hoirus', which was a nasty yeast infection doing the rounds in Medina at the time. So there's a lot of itchy suicide bombers Up There, y'know? In fact, the whole 'putting infidels to the sword' stuff was . . .er. . . well, he didn't actually say any of it. It was just embellishment, if you know what I mean. Embellishing a few details. He and I were having a laugh about the whole '5 times a day' thing, which we didn't think anyone would really go for, and over a beer we were trying to think up the maddest bits we could put in, stuff that we never thought any idiot would be stupid enough to believe. Next millenium, we've got idiots like Choudary advocating death for anyone who doesn't do it.
"And, to be honest, that tosh about 'women should wear Burkas and be modest'? Allah didn't really say that. I was having a few problems with the wives at the time, you know how it is. I had some leeway in the drafting, and it seemed like a good idea to chuck a bit in that I could point at. Truth be told, I never thought anyone would be mad enough to take all that stoning, chopping and flogging bollocks seriously. Still, it goes to show, doesn't it?"
The Prophet said that he had manifested personally to apologise to the British people on hearing that Toejam Choudary was to march through Wooton Bassett seeking a punch-up in His name, and added, "listen, really it was all just a laugh. You know, you get a few mates together, make a few silly clubhouse rules and before you know it it's all out of control and you've got pilgrims on your front lawn. So I'm sorry about idiots like Choudary and that Bin Wotsisface. I didn't mean it. Just ignore them, OK? I reckon Allah'll give 'em a right smiting once he gets hold of them."
Speaking in a rare manifestation (which, due to an unfortunate spacio-temporal anomaly, happened to be in a Norfolk pig farm), the Prophet, 1432, denied that firebrands such as Toejam CHoudary were acting in His name, and contradicted several key tenets of the Qur'an - the book he actually wrote.
Mr Mohammed said, "y'know, I never wanted all this Jihad stuff going on - it's quite embarrassing really. I mean, I only took the ghostwriting gig as a temp job. I'd been made redundant from Isa & Sons', I was 40 and I needed the work. We never thought it would take off like it did, much less turn into a justification for all this blowing shit up and general violence.
"Anyway, the whole 'transcribing the Word of Allah' thing was pretty dull, as you can imagine, and in all honesty I made a few typos. 'Martyrs', for example, was supposed to be 'Mates'. That bit about the 72 virgins in the Garden and so on? Well, I know it says 'houris', but actually what Allah said was 'hoirus', which was a nasty yeast infection doing the rounds in Medina at the time. So there's a lot of itchy suicide bombers Up There, y'know? In fact, the whole 'putting infidels to the sword' stuff was . . .er. . . well, he didn't actually say any of it. It was just embellishment, if you know what I mean. Embellishing a few details. He and I were having a laugh about the whole '5 times a day' thing, which we didn't think anyone would really go for, and over a beer we were trying to think up the maddest bits we could put in, stuff that we never thought any idiot would be stupid enough to believe. Next millenium, we've got idiots like Choudary advocating death for anyone who doesn't do it.
"And, to be honest, that tosh about 'women should wear Burkas and be modest'? Allah didn't really say that. I was having a few problems with the wives at the time, you know how it is. I had some leeway in the drafting, and it seemed like a good idea to chuck a bit in that I could point at. Truth be told, I never thought anyone would be mad enough to take all that stoning, chopping and flogging bollocks seriously. Still, it goes to show, doesn't it?"
The Prophet said that he had manifested personally to apologise to the British people on hearing that Toejam Choudary was to march through Wooton Bassett seeking a punch-up in His name, and added, "listen, really it was all just a laugh. You know, you get a few mates together, make a few silly clubhouse rules and before you know it it's all out of control and you've got pilgrims on your front lawn. So I'm sorry about idiots like Choudary and that Bin Wotsisface. I didn't mean it. Just ignore them, OK? I reckon Allah'll give 'em a right smiting once he gets hold of them."
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