The Government is to create a new child health watchdog, after research showed that 99% of packed lunches did not meet recommended Government standards.
The Department of Interfering Busybodies examined the contents of 1300 lunch boxes taken to school by pupils aged eight and nine and discovered that only 1 in 100 contained the foods mandated by Government legislation.
Minister for Child Control Lord Fondlebum of Fey said, "the Government puts out precise legislation to schools and in public as to what children should be eating. Schools are expected to adhere to this, and it is wrong that parents should give children what they will eat as opposed to what we tell them to. After all, if the children won't eat what the Government tell them, how can we expect them to swallow any of our other announcements?
"Additionally, these unauthorised and unregulated foodstuffs are leading to a black market in snacks, causing an inflationary spiral in the playground which has led to a packet of Monster Munch changing hands for as much as three Dairylea triangles. This unregulated trade is bad for the economy and must be stopped".
Lord Fondlebum announced that in the interests of security, the newly-formed Children's Unit for Nutrition and Tasty Sustenance would have responsibility for carrying out search-and-seizure duties at UK primary schools to ensure that packed lunches contained nutritious food that children wouldn't eat, as opposed to slightly-less-healthy options that they would. Failure to provide children with lentil-bake sandwiches and carrot sticks will be grounds for Police involvement.
The Children's Unit for Nutrition and Tasty Sustenance will also be implementing full-lunchbox scanners in all schools to identify and remove dangerous threats such as cheese-and-pickle sandwiches.
The Crown Prosecution Service is investigating charges against 2100 parents as a result of the investigation, including over 500 cases of Supplying Penguin Bars To Minors.
The Department of Interfering Busybodies examined the contents of 1300 lunch boxes taken to school by pupils aged eight and nine and discovered that only 1 in 100 contained the foods mandated by Government legislation.
Minister for Child Control Lord Fondlebum of Fey said, "the Government puts out precise legislation to schools and in public as to what children should be eating. Schools are expected to adhere to this, and it is wrong that parents should give children what they will eat as opposed to what we tell them to. After all, if the children won't eat what the Government tell them, how can we expect them to swallow any of our other announcements?
"Additionally, these unauthorised and unregulated foodstuffs are leading to a black market in snacks, causing an inflationary spiral in the playground which has led to a packet of Monster Munch changing hands for as much as three Dairylea triangles. This unregulated trade is bad for the economy and must be stopped".
Lord Fondlebum announced that in the interests of security, the newly-formed Children's Unit for Nutrition and Tasty Sustenance would have responsibility for carrying out search-and-seizure duties at UK primary schools to ensure that packed lunches contained nutritious food that children wouldn't eat, as opposed to slightly-less-healthy options that they would. Failure to provide children with lentil-bake sandwiches and carrot sticks will be grounds for Police involvement.
The Children's Unit for Nutrition and Tasty Sustenance will also be implementing full-lunchbox scanners in all schools to identify and remove dangerous threats such as cheese-and-pickle sandwiches.
The Crown Prosecution Service is investigating charges against 2100 parents as a result of the investigation, including over 500 cases of Supplying Penguin Bars To Minors.
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