Toejam Choudhary: Showing Islamic faith by suicide. Good idea.The leader of the UK's largest fundamentalist Islamic group has called for an end to the practice of suicide bombings, calling the act of self-detonation 'dated and inefficient'.
Speaking from the Dark Ages, Islam4UKOK's spokesman Toejam Choudhary said, "it is our Holy duty to help the Faithful show their piety by killing themselves. While we understand the desperate desire of every fundamentalist wingnut to enter Paradise and claim their 72 virgins, the use of suicide bombing is dated and inefficient. It is time, we believe, for Islam to embrace a more effective and cost-effective method of killing ourselves.
"We are therefore in the process of trialling new methods of getting large numbers of radical fucknuts killed in a single hit for a minimal outlay. Our next trial is to hold a protest march through Wootton Bassett, and we are confident that this act alone should ensure the successful deaths of 90% of those demonstrating."
Residents of the Wiltshire town have welcomed Mr Choudhary's suggestion, and have said they are very happy to assist Islam4UKOK's planned mass suicide. Several leading dignitaries in the town are offering to personally help Toejam Choudhary show his faith by getting himself killed.
However, the validity of the suggestion has been questioned by moderate Islamic scholars. Shaykh Yerleg Aboutabit, Professor of Deciding The Best Way To Kill Yourself at the University of Kabul, said, "while it is the duty of every true Muslim to kill himself, I can find no reference in the Qu'ran to say that martyrdom comes from being beaten to death by an irate Wiltshirian.
"Muhammed (d'oh) would no doubt have preferred the traditional Islamic way of showing faith - that is, strapping Semtex to the testicles of the Faithful. For is it not Written 'by detonating your bollocks in the service of Allah shall you find peace and the garden of Paradise'? Something like that, anyway."
Speaking from the Dark Ages, Islam4UKOK's spokesman Toejam Choudhary said, "it is our Holy duty to help the Faithful show their piety by killing themselves. While we understand the desperate desire of every fundamentalist wingnut to enter Paradise and claim their 72 virgins, the use of suicide bombing is dated and inefficient. It is time, we believe, for Islam to embrace a more effective and cost-effective method of killing ourselves.
"We are therefore in the process of trialling new methods of getting large numbers of radical fucknuts killed in a single hit for a minimal outlay. Our next trial is to hold a protest march through Wootton Bassett, and we are confident that this act alone should ensure the successful deaths of 90% of those demonstrating."
Residents of the Wiltshire town have welcomed Mr Choudhary's suggestion, and have said they are very happy to assist Islam4UKOK's planned mass suicide. Several leading dignitaries in the town are offering to personally help Toejam Choudhary show his faith by getting himself killed.
However, the validity of the suggestion has been questioned by moderate Islamic scholars. Shaykh Yerleg Aboutabit, Professor of Deciding The Best Way To Kill Yourself at the University of Kabul, said, "while it is the duty of every true Muslim to kill himself, I can find no reference in the Qu'ran to say that martyrdom comes from being beaten to death by an irate Wiltshirian.
"Muhammed (d'oh) would no doubt have preferred the traditional Islamic way of showing faith - that is, strapping Semtex to the testicles of the Faithful. For is it not Written 'by detonating your bollocks in the service of Allah shall you find peace and the garden of Paradise'? Something like that, anyway."
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