CPS Herald 'New Age of Civility'

The Crown Prosecution Service today announced a new scheme designed to herald "a new age of civility", following a new interpretation of hate speech laws to include absolutely anything anyone could say, ever. 

An unprecedented expansion of Section 127 of the Communications Act 2003 will enable the jailing of people for new definitions of hate speech to include 'tastelessness in a public place', 'being an idiotic gobshite while under the influence' and 'making sick jokes on the internet with intent to wound someone's feelings', a crime for which the jail sentence has been increased to match that for Labour peers who kill people while texting and driving. 

A spokesman for the CPS said, "it is vitally important in today's world that nobody should say anything at all that might conceivably cause offence to anyone, anywhere, at any time now or in the future. This sort of crime results in wounded feelings, and the victim support costs for some completely random person being offended by something they might potentially see and be offended about, even though they had nothing to do with any part of it and no relation to it, runs to eleventy billion pounds per victim. It is only right, therefore, that someone who says something unfunny and tasteless on the internet should be arrested, jailed and have a criminal record blighting his entire future."

The spokesman added, "the sentencing of this vile individual for the worst possible crime on the statute book - saying something stupid - should remind all people that the Criminal Justice system exists to create a glorious new age of civility, when nobody will ever say anything even slightly naughty to anyone ever again. Of course, it also ensures there's a healthy supply of convicts, which will guarantee CPS, Police and Court Service budgets in these times of austerity, but that's not important of course." 

 The Department of Justice confirmed that the s127 law has now been expanded to include absolutely any and all "jokes, sarcastic remarks, irony, criticism, tellings-off, negativity, naughtiness or anything which might, in the mind of anyone at all, conceivably be considered offensive, upsetting or slightly rude". A spokesman confirmed that further consultancy was under way to introduce legislation to pre-empt potentially offensive language, including outlawing being a stupid teenager, having too much to drink, or just doing something stupid you later regret. Unnamed sources said that the DoJ is investigating whether members of the public can be offended by comments about the weather, and is working in conjunction with the Department of Health to establish whether removing the vocal cords and fingers of all British citizens may be a viable immediate option as opposed to the longer-term process of simply atrophying their brains - a strategy that has been going on now for over 30 years. 

Police sources also said that they were consulting on allowing the reinstatement of lynch mobs, turning up at the houses of people who say anything they don't like, which it is felt may reduce Police paperwork. 

Comedians across the UK were unavailable for comment, as they've all gone into hiding fearing arrest.