THE DIARY OF A GEEK IN OXFORDSHIRE


"Solving the World's problems with satire and a smile.*"

*And a flamethrower.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

The Dead Flag - Video

I prostrate myself in gratitude and admiration to The Economic Voice, who took the trouble to put my parody of 'The Red Flag' to both music and video.



Excellent work, fella. Many thanks.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Greenpeace: Jackson Death 'A Tragedy'


Environmental activists have reacted with shock and sadness to the announcement today of the death of Prince of PaedoPop Michael Jackson.

Speaking to journalists this morning, TreeHugger Sandalrecycler, Greenpeace Chief Executive, said, "we at Greenpeace are all shocked and saddened at this tragic news. It is a sad day for the world as a whole".

Mr Sandalrecycler explained, "the saddest part is the environmental impact that the death of Mr Jackson will have. He can't be buried, because we estimate that over 70% of his body is now non-biodegradable. It's the equivalent of putting over three thousand plastic bags in landfill, he would take two thousand years to decompose. Cremation is also right out, due to the risk of carcinogenic gases and the high carbon content of the Prince of Pop's skin. His death is an environmental calamity".

In a related development, Sellafield-based company BNFL said that they were tendering for a potential contract to reprocess the more toxic materials in the star's body.

RIP Michael Jackson

I may have made the odd joke or three about him.

I didn't like the man, and for me the gravity of the allegations against him outweighed even the greatness of his back catalogue.

But his music was something special, and my sympathies go to his family.



Don't expect me not to take the piss though.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

In Which Dungeekin is Bill Bryson...


As I believe I may have mentioned, The Darling G and I recently undertook the 'Where's My Passport? Tour 2009' in lieu of a beach holiday in Portugal.

Our trip took in pretty much the entire UK coastline, travelling anti-clockwise and totalling a shade over 3200 miles. And despite my insistence on keeping to a total of about 300 miles per day, we actually managed to see quite a lot.

Unfortunately, we didn't go all 'Ewan and Charley' (despite my hopes) so I wasn't able to come up with a bestselling book about how we had to float the car on a makeshift raft across the Firth of Forth due to the bridge being out, or rebuild the suspension using nothing but Highland gorse and sheep dung. However, I was able to build up some observations about various parts of our great nation, and it's my privilege to be able to share these with you.

SEASIDE TOWNS
I grew up in seaside towns, and as you may imagine we travelled through many of them. And they're almost all the same. Which town, which coast and which sea they connect to are all immaterial - be it Southend, Blackpool, Bognor Regis or Dawlish the majority of British seaside towns are simply gruesome testaments to amusement arcades, chip shops and tat-sellers. Even the nicer ones like Llandudno and Brighton are faded ghosts of a past glory. It's a shame.

DOVER
If Kent is the Garden of England, then Dover is its compost heap.

SOUTHEND
Urgh. See above. It has the longest pier in the country, apparently - the only problem is it looks like the causeway to an oil rig.

LINCOLNSHIRE
Flat. Very flat. And the drivers are psychopaths. In just 30 minutes we were nearly wiped out twice by idiots in 4x4s carrying out suicidally dangerous overtaking maneouvres on the oncoming traffic. Lincolnshire also contains Skegness - see 'Seaside Towns' above. I can only assume they were driving that fast to get out of Lincolnshire.

WHITBY
The roads across the Moors made me want to bring a motorcycle here - and it seemed that half the bikers in the UK had done so. But that didn't stop Whitby from being extremely pretty - an example of what coastal places can achieve when they don't submit to the amusement arcade's neon charms. Cod and chips at Trenchers finally showed me the point of a dish that's so often a soggy, fat-soaked disappointment. Yummy.

ENGINEERING BRILLIANCE
The Humber and Forth Bridges are marvels of engineering, and you get a frisson just crossing them. But...

The Forth Bridge has an easily-accessed, landscaped viewing point in the grounds of a business hotel. The Humber Bridge viewing point is several miles through a deprived and decaying urban warzone and doesn't even have toilets. Discuss.

SCOTLAND
Especially north of Inverness. Beautiful, majestic, awesome, incredible, wonderful, staggering, and many other superlatives. Staying in Ullapool is well worthwhile, both for the loch views and the food. We're definitely going back for a proper, longer tour of the Highlands - we were left breathless by the views and the isolated beauty time after time. It's probably crap when it rains though. And the food wasn't fantastic, but given the scenery we just didn't care. The roads are wonderful too.

All that said, though, I'd suggest avoiding Dunoon.

THE LAKE DISTRICT
I don't get the Lake District.

I'm sure that the Lake District is actually lovely, and I know that because of time constraints, we simply drove the 'tourist route' through Ambleside, Windermere and so on.

But I don't get it.

You end up joining a 3-mile train of coaches and campervans, inching along at walking pace dodging Rohan-clad ramblers until you reach the town, which is trying so hard to be 'a Lake District village' that it's no longer anything of the sort, merely a picturesque shopping centre.

Though I can absolutely recommend the Pheasant Inn at Bassenthwaite Lake.

CHESTER
I'd expected semi-Scousers, shell-suits and a possible stabbing. What I got was one of the most beautiful medieval city centres I've ever seen. The double-decker shops are archaic genius, the architecture fantastic and we found a restaurant (Upstairs @ The Grill) where the owners both worked at the Savoy, and it showed.

NORTH WALES
The countryside of North Wales is lovely. However, to reach it from Chester you need to travel through Prestatyn and Rhyl - two places that sound like skin disorders and are about as appealing. Our first notable sight in Rhyl, for example, was a fight between two drunk teenagers - at 0915. And why do the 'holiday camps' on the North Wales coast look like they were designed by the architect of Stalag Luft 14?

One interesting point was how intact the castles of North Wales seemed to be. However, given the number of teenagers we saw with pushchairs, the same can't be said of the local girls.

THE REST OF WALES
Lovely countryside. However, you can't see any of it (even though you're crawling along at 10mph behind a Belgian caravanner with no sense of direction and no ability to check his mirrors) because of ten-foot hedgerows along 90% of the roads.

ABERYSTWYTH
Pretty - but stupid. A stupid one-way system, stupid car parking that wasn't signposted and cost £2 for an hour, and all topped off by a stupid Tapas bar that didn't serve Diet Coke and that managed to turn first-class ingredients into a tasteless mess. I looked in the dictionary when I got home, and under 'stupid' it actually said, "see Aberystwyth".

NORTH SOMERSET/NORTH DEVON/NORTH CORNWALL
Beautiful, green, the remoteness of Exmoor counterpointed by the glorious surf of the Atlantic beaches, coast roads with views of the craggy shoreline. A great lunch at the Bay View Inn in Widemouth Bay, an even better dinner at Sally's Restaurant in St Agnes and the quirky, yet brilliant, Cleaderscroft Hotel. I love this part of the country, and to me it's only let down by:

NEWQUAY
See 'Seaside Towns'. But it's more than that. I went on holiday many times here as a child, to a pretty beach town. Now it's Ibiza-on-Sea. complete with gangs of drunken roving stag-partiers. We drove in planning to stay the night - and went straight through without stopping after the briefest glance at the town centre. Thanks for wrecking my childhood memories, Newquay.

PADSTEINSTOW
I remember crab-fishing off the harbour wall as a kid. Rick Stein probably owns that too, now. The crawfish tanks where you could choose your fresh crustacean have been replaced by his cookery school (or something), he owns pretty much all the pubs and even The Chough pasty shop. Like the Lake District towns, Padstow has been turned into a facsimile of what it was. They should change its name to Pastiche.

LANDS END/JOHN O'GROATS
John O'Groats has free parking, boat trips and a few shops that don't block the view much.

Land's End charges £4 just to park, then has a bloody shopping mall slapped on the headland with 'experiences' (at £4 each). You can't even see the sea from the car park, so you have to walk through the mall to get to it.

Discuss.

SOUTH CORNWALL/SOUTH DEVON/DORSET
Lovely, especially Exmoor and the New Forest.

So there you go. Some initial observations gleaned from the Tour. No doubt more will appear as they spring to mind, and you'll be able to find restaurant and hotel reviews shortly on Dungeekin's Eatings.


Labour Pains


Read the Guardian comment section, and its columnists are constantly warning of the hell that will await us under the Tories. Within months of Cameron acending to power, England will become a nightmarish dystopia of cruelty and evil. Peasants being whipped to death in the street for the crime of pulling a rickshaw too slowly. Babies starving in gutters as top-hatted capitalists whisk past lighting their foot-long cigars with hundred-pound notes. Serfs, vassals and droit de seigneur. People of England, you have been warned.

Well, I hate to burst their bubble, but - unlike the proles in 1984 - I do have a fairly reliable memory. And it tells me that day-to-day life under the Tories was pretty much same as it is now.
Maybe a bit lighter on Diversity Co-ordinators, Traveller Liaison Support Workers and Equality Support Strategic Development Co-ordination Czars.

But what the hell, we survived.


I urge you to read the rest of Juliette's excellent post HERE.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The "Where's My Passport?" Tour 2009


You've lost your f***ing WHAT????

These were hardly the words that should herald the start of one's holiday. But there we were, 10 June, with a trip to Portugal starting on the 11th - and someone had lost her passport. The last time she remembered having it was the previous week, coming through Terminal 5. So it's probably the possession of a Khazakhzstani illegal immigrant now, or something.

The passport office were no help. With an increasingly-upset Darling G on the phone to them, they said there was no way they could do an emergency passport, and that she had to fill in several forms and apply the old-fashioned way. Thanks, IPS bureaucracy.

The insurance company merely pointed out the exclusion for 'stupidity' in their policy.

So. That's it, then. No passport, no holiday. There were tears, and raised voices (well, one raised voice anyway). I was left with just two options - kill The Darling G and spend 12 days burying her under the patio, or come up with some alternative to avoid going back to work.

I was dejectedly tidying the devastated living room at about midnight, putting back all the stuff that had been pulled off the shelves in the search, when I saw a copy of 'Bike' magazine. Their lead piece was a road-test of a new KTM - which they'd thrashed around the entire UK coastline in just 72 hours.

We had 12 days. And a speedy car.

And the Darling G had no choice, really.

So - at noon on 12 June we set off, unplanned and barely-prepared, armed with nothing but a few changes of clothes, our credit cards and a roadmap.

Our journey took us anti-clockwise around the coast, via Dover, Lowestoft, Inverness, John O'Groats, Ullapool, Dunoon, Chester, St David's Point, St Agnes, Lands End and many more.

The final stats:

3223 miles;
324 litres of fuel;
87 destinations;
10 hotels;
9 full English breakfasts;
4 points of the compass;
2 people;
1 car....
....and one lost passport!

The end result was absolutely incredible. What started with a complete disaster, and could've remained that way, turned into our own personal Long Way Round - an experience that will stay with me for a long while to come. It's also given me the confidence to plan similar trips for myself in future.

But while I feel like the new Charley Boorman, I hardly think there's a book in the trip, amazing adventure though it was. But instead, what I'm going to do is give you my observations from various key areas of the country. Stay tuned....


Saturday, June 20, 2009

Musing On Musical Parody



Every week, I get literally no letters and emails asking me about my song parodies and why I do them. So I really should answer the question.

The answer is - I like doing them.

Blog posts and satirical 'news' articles are fun, diverting things and most enjoyable to write. But taking a song, tweaking the lyrics to make it pertinent (and hopefully funny) and, of course, making it scan is much, much harder for me.

It's a real challenge, making words perform gymnastics to fit the flow of the original song. Where a simple news piece can be done and dusted in fifteen minutes, some song parodies like 'I Am The Very Model of a Modern Labour Minister', or more recently 'Reviewing the (Cabinet) Situation' can take upwards of four hours of head-scratching, jiggling and manoeuvring to make them work. Plus, there's the added bonus that my habit of singing them out loud frustrates The Darling G intensely.

So, while I'm sunning myself on the Portuguese beaches, I thought I'd like to introduce to to my musical hero. Unfortunately, Jake Thackray isn't as well-known as he deserves these days - but as a lyricist and wordsmith his talent is simply unparalleled.

I've popped one of my favourite songs - 'Brother Gorilla' up above, and I urge you to also listen to 'On Again' here. Jake's music can also be found on Spotify, and I guarantee you'll giggle.

Enjoy.

**Dungeekin is on holiday. Normal service resumes June 24**

Friday, June 19, 2009

Obama to Tour With Black-Eyed Peas

Reunited for a comeback tour: Black-Eyed Peas and The Prez.

President Barack Obama has announced that he is to embark on a World Tour with hip-hop sensations The Black-Eyed Peas, according to a White House spokesman today.

The tour was announced by White House spokesman LL Cool J, who said it was 'payback' for the group's support in his Presidential campaign, including rapper Will.i.am's huge YouTube hit 'Yes We Can', which is widely credited with bringing the Obama the historic first African-American Presidency.

President Obama himself went on to talk in detail about the planned tour, which is to include concerts in Tehran, Pyongyang and even Wembley Stadium.

The President said, "I'm delighted to be able to say to the Black-Eyed Peas - can I tour with you guys? Yes I can. I'm sure that this tour will make me look even cooler than I already do, if that's even possible - and it'll divert attention from the fact that I haven't really changed much as yet. But can I carry on just wandering around the globe, talking seriously and making it sound like I'm achieving marvels? Yes I can."

The President has reportedly been receiving intensive public rapping training from Will.i.am, 50 Cent and Kanye West, and on the tour will be promoting tracks from his ground-breaking first album 'Raps From The Prez', including 'Shout Out from The West Wing', 'Yes We Can, Man' and the hit single 'Oval Office Reprazent, MuthaF*****'.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Thought For the Day

"Your Backbench plots cannot harm me - my wings are like a shield of steel!"



**Dungeekin is on holiday. Normal Service will resume after 24 June.**

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Carradine Book to be Published

"Keep doing that shit and you'll go blind".

Recently-deceased veteran actor David Carradine is to have his latest book published posthumously, according to his former spokesman.

The 'Kung Fu' and 'Kill Bill' star, whose trussed body was recently found in the wardrobe of a Bangkok hotel, had been working on his latest publication while on holiday, and both his family and publishers have agreed that it should go on sale despite his tragic death.

The book, 'Zen and the Art of Autoerotic Asphyxiation', is said to be Carradine's masterwork and, in the words of publishing house Smuttan Pornoe, "brings together the mysterious and esoteric worlds of Tai Chi and masturbation, showing you how to achieve enlightenment using ropes to get your rocks off".

Mr Carradine was reportedly researching the 'advanced' section of the book while in Thailand, and was in fact testing the 'Crouching Wardrobe, Hidden Reef Knot' position at the time of his accident.

The book will be available from all budget bookstores and branches of Ann Summers from July 14.


**Dungeekin is on holiday. Normal Service will resume after 24 June.**

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

A Song for Nick Griffin


Please don't you think you are winning Mr. Griffin,
Just because those seats you won,
You think your boys are the newfound Master Race,
We know you're just a moronic waste of space,
So please don't you think you are winning Mr. Griffin,
Just because those seats you won!

Just 'coz Brown is such a clown,
Two seats you have have won,
But come the next Election,
We will see you Fascists gone!

So please don't you think you are winning Mr. Griffin,
Just because those seats you won!


**Dungeekin is on holiday. Normal Service will resume after 24 June.**

Monday, June 15, 2009

Brown and Mandelson Rift Reported

Lord Mandelson was reportedly 'livid' at Gordon's handiwork.

Already reeling from disastrous results in the Local and European elections, Labour are now suffering from a split in the highest levels of Government, according to Downing Street sources.

Senior Downing Street officials are talking of a serious rift between the PM and the newly-appointed First Secretary of Whatever Gordon Asks, Lord Mandelson.

The split was first noticed on Tuesday, when the PM was reportedly seen locking himself in the Cabinet Office with a Pritt-Stick and Lord Mandelson's porn stash.

"It was ugly", said one senior official. "Peter found out that Gordon had replaced all the faces in his copy of 'Buff Brazilian Boys' with headshots of Barack Obama. Some of the pages were stuck together too. Peter was absolutely livid - along with his approved mortgage application and his signed nude photo of Elton John, that was some of his best wanking material".

A fight then reportedly broke out between the two, with Mandelson vowing to scratch Brown's eyes out and Brown desperately throwing mobile phones to keep the irate peer at bay. Video of the catfight is shortly to be released on YouTube.

The senior official added, "the two aren't speaking to each other at all now, and it's very difficult as they're still making revenge attacks. Just this morning, Peter tore up Gordon's copy of Hobby-Horse Felchers Monthly and it took us three hours to persuade Gordon to come out of the lavatory."

**Dungeekin is on Holiday. Normal service resumes 24 June.**

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Scientists Discover New Animal Species

SemiHomo Britnationalpartius Fascistii attempting to communicate with humans.

Anthropologists at Oxford University claim they have discovered a new species of ape, which they claim casts the Darwinian theory of Evolution in a new light.

The discovery, which is to be published in scientific journal 'Taxonomy Today', sensationally claims that a hitherto undiscovered ape species, which shows language skills, tribal culture and tool use, can only have developed as a consequence of inverted or delayed evolution, and is thus unique in the animal kingdom.

Professor Bertram Apeprodder, of St. Ethel's College Oxford, leading the research, said, "our findings are interesting, because all the scientific evidence indicates that there is no way this species could have evolved independently. We can only conclude, from the evidence available,that this species essentially devolved from Homo Sapiens - the first time that we have been able to identify the evolutionary process in reverse.

Scientists have been studying the species, SemiHomo Britnationalpartius Fascistii for some time and noted marked divergence from human characteristics. Professor Apeprodder said, "we saw major differences. Speech, for example, was in many cases reduced to largely-unintelligible grunts about 'coons'. We also saw a reduction in hair growth, the use of tribal body markings in the shape of flags and bulldogs, and a notable lengthening of the arms, in many cases to the point of the animal's knuckles actually dragging on the floor".

Professor Apeprodder added, "however, we believe that this case of inverted evolution may be short-lived. SemiHomo Britnationalpartius Fascistii seems to lack the intellectual capacity to select suitable breeding partners, and also shows a psychological inability to deal with its current environment, so they are likely to become extinct in short order. It's no great loss".

However,the findings of the Professor's team have already sparked controversy in the anthropological community, with other eminent scientists vehemently claiming that the species has been mis-classified. Professor Fruitfly Wingpuller, of the Moron Research Department at Cambridge Universite, insisted that SemiHomo Britnationalpartius Fascistii could not be classed as human. He added, "Despite primate characteristics, these animals cannot be classified in this way. Our research shows that the species actually belongs in the same taxonomy as genital lice and cockroaches - though cockroaches have greater social tendencies".


**Dungeekin is on holiday. Normal Service will resume after 24 June.**

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Are They Related?

....Blakey and Bob Ainsworth MP....???

Enquiring minds want to know....


**Dungeekin is on holiday. Normal Service will resume after 24 June.**

Friday, June 12, 2009

Caroline Flint Announces New Career

"How dare the PM treat me as eye-candy? It's sexist"

Former Cabinet Minister Caroline Flint has launched her new career today, just one week after sensationally quitting the Cabinet in the middle of Prime Mincer Gollum Brown's reshuffle.

Ms Flint, whose shock departure from the her position on a chaise-longue caused an enormous lack of reaction across the nation, announced her latest venture at a packed Press conference this morning attended by literally three journalists.

Speaking from her silk camisole Ms Flint, who castigated the PM in her resignation letter and subsequent interviews for his 'sexist' Government, said, "I was disgusted by the Prime Minister's sexist ways and had no option but to quit. However, I am delighted with my latest venture, which I believe will bring me to the forefront of the public mind as a serious political figure".

Ms Flint announced that she has signed a contract to appear naked in a steamy photo session in 'Nuts' magazine, and that she has further shoots lined up with 'Escort'and 'Razzle' and movie deals in the pipeline with Color Climax and 'Ben Dover's British Political Sluts'.

Asked by journalists if she had read her contract in detail, Ms Flint said that she had not done so before signing, but that she had been 'briefed on the important bits'. "Besides", she added, "all the important bits are all in my briefs".

**Dungeekin is on holiday. Normal Service will resume after 24 June.**

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

In Which Dungeekin is Lord Lucan...


...but only for a fortnight.

I'm off to bask in the Portuguese sun for a couple of weeks, which should be enough time to let the rage subside.

There are a few posts queued up, though they won't be as 'current' as normal, for obvious reasons.

Back soon, and don't let Gollum off the hook while I'm gone.






UPDATE:
There's been a rather drastic change of plan. Still disappearing and will explain on my return.

Democracy At Work


Look at that.

That is the state of the House of Commons during the Dissolution 'Debate'.

Disappointing.

Altogether Too Much Effort?


So apparently, hummingbirds can fly faster than jets, and it's all to impress the ladies.

Christopher Clark from the University of California Berkeley filmed the courtship dives of male Anna's hummingbirds on cameras able to capture 500 frames per second.

Their top speed, he said, was "greater than [that] of a fighter jet with its afterburners on, or the space shuttle during atmospheric re-entry".

All seems a bit over-the-top to me, really.

Surely having a tongue that's several times longer than their body is all the attraction they need?

PM to Give Relaunch Speech

"David, do you want this fresh bogey? I'm full up"

Following his recent Reshuffle, Prime Mincer Gollum Brown is to relaunch his latest revamp today, promising reform to revitalise his wrecked reign.

In a speech to be delivered to Parliament at 1230 today, the PM is to announce 'radical reform' of the British political system, and to talk to the Electorate in a way as yet unheard.

A senior Downing Street official said that Brown has been working on his speech almost continuously since the reshuffle was completed. He added, "this is the complete remake of Gordon Brown. He's been hard at work on this speech, ensuring that the British people hear something other than the same tired cliches of a normal Prime Ministerial speech". An anonymous source at Amazon also confirmed that the PM had purchased a thesaurus online.

Extracts of the speech leaked The Diary reveal that the PM intends to announce the following:
  • As Prime Minister, he will continue unwaveringly with the assignment tasked to him;
  • The nation is confronted by the most formidable fiscal exigency in a century;
  • He is persisting with the undertaking;
  • The Fiscal Exigency was incepted in the Colonies;
  • The Prime Minister's superintendency disembarassed the depositories;
  • His Presbyterian compunction compels him to act correctly;
  • The Prime Minister will persevere with the project.
The Downing Street official said, "as I'm sure the Electorate will see, this is a completely new approach for the Prime Minister. His speech will not mention his usual catchphrases at all.

"We're confident that this relaunch will be the one to gain Labour an historic fourth term in office, with Gordon Brown as our exalted Leader".

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

You Gotta Taunt A Fascist Or Two



As I said earlier, I believe the best way to marginalise the British Nazi National Party is not to hurl stuff at them, but to laugh at them.

So in that vein, let's have a little song. Oh, and for any BNP Members reading this**, just for the record - Fagin was Jewish.

In this life, one thing counts,
Tolerance in large amounts,
But when you see the BNP,
You've got to taunt a Fascist or two.
You've got to taunt a Fascist or two, boys,
You've got to taunt a Fascist or two.

When you see the BNP,
You've got to taunt a Fascist or two!


We don't need egg attacks,
Just the brains that they lack,
You can have fun by teasing scum,
You better taunt a Fascist or two,
You've got to taunt a Fascist or two., boys
You've got to taunt a Fascist or two..

We've got brains that they all lack,
You better taunt a Fascist or two!


Racists all, bunch of kooks!
Should be strung up on hooks,
But it's not time to cross that line,
Get out and taunt a Fascist or two.
You've got to taunt a Fascist or two, boys
You've got to taunt a Fascist or two..

Racists all, a bunch of kooks,
Let's go and taunt a Fascist or two!


When I hear Griffin bitch,
Both my fists start to itch
Only to find some peace of mind
I have to taunt a Fascist or two,
You've got to taunt a Fascist or two, boys,
You've got to taunt a Fascist or two.

Just to find some peace of mind
We have to taunt a Fascist or two!


**Or, more likely, having someone who isn't a semi-literate racist fucknut reading this to you.

Laughter Is The Best Medicine


So we saw, on today's news, the sight of British Nazi National Party leader Nick 'Eichmann' Griffin being pelted with eggs, as he had to cut short some pointless interview or other.

No, no, no. This isn't the way it's done.

I yield to no man in my loathing of the odious untermensch Griffin and his shaven-headed Combat-18 henchmen. Racist morons one and all, rank with the stench of Fascism. But it seems to me that this sort of angry demonstration serves little purpose other than to increase the publicity this misbegotten son of Goebbels gets.

While it's certainly gratifying to see Griffin on the receiving end of eggs, stones, bricks or even flamethrowers, what should have been a 10-second soundbite on Pravda is turned into front-page news and a lead spot at 6 O'Clock by the well-meaning actions of people whose intentions I support (if not their actions).

The way to stop the British Nazi National Party is, I think, to deny them our anger.

The BNP are the political equivalent of wasps - hovering around, making a lot of noise and serving almost no useful purpose other than to annoy us. Screaming and flapping around will only excite the wasps, and encourage them to hang around for longer.

So instead, let's laugh at them. Let them have their platforms, their petty speeches, their brief and short-lived moment in the sun. Let Griffin spout his bile on Question Time, or wherever. Don't ban them, don't shout and scream. Let them rant. Then laugh at them.

You want to protest? Laugh at them. Laugh at the deluded, half-blind political wannabe - then turn your backs. Don't give the BNP wasps the gratification of an angry response.

Let's all do it. Laugh at their ravings. Ridicule them, and turn their Party, their people and their policies into the jokes they so clearly are. Then, turn our backs and ignore them. Marginalise them not by anger but by laughter. They'll soon be out of the news, and in short order out of the European Parliament - and then we can ignore them properly.


Milliband Announces Radical Policy Shakeup

"As of now, the Government owns fully two-thirds of this banana"

Foreign Secretary David Millipede has announced a radical shakeup of international policy, following a recent conversation with James Naughtie on the 'Today' programme.

Announcing the new policy, Mr Millipede said that the new approach signified 'a radical New Labour shakeup for British foreign relations', that would improve both trade and international diplomacy.

Under the new plans, the following changes are to be made with immediate effect:
  • Britain will sell off 2/3 of Gibraltar to Spain, and 66% of the Falklands Islands to Argentina, with the proceeds going towards the current National Debt;
  • The UK Government is to be part-privatised, with 2/3 of its decision-making capability to be purchased by Russian oligarchs (Lord Mandelson is handling negotiations);
  • The Government is to purchase two-thirds of the world's banana plantations, to ensure that Mister Millipede always has a plentiful supply.
Mr Millipede said, "this is just the start of the most radical set of reforms ever attempted by a Government - the Foreign Policy equivalent of owning two-thirds of Lloyds Bank. Over the course of the next few days, we will be announcing radical new policies in all areas of Government, each one as radical as being forced to buy a formerly-healthy bank after we forced it to purchase a completely bankrupt one. It's the very essence of New Labour".

Westminster sources have hinted that upcoming developments include the sale of 2/3 of the Metropolitan Police to Albanian organised-crime syndicates, the nationalisation of 66% of Jonathan Ross and new legislation to ensure that two-thirds of the population are unemployed by 2011.

However, critics have derided the latest Government plans, pointing out that by this time next year 2/3 of Labour MPs will be out of a job as 66% of the voters elect Tories.

Scientists Discover New Super-Hard Fabric

"completely impervious to logic, public opinion or the knives of backbenchers".

Scientists have manufactured a material which they claim is the hardest substance ever known or created by mankind, according to reports today.

Scientists at St Anal's College Oxford created the material, which they believe has significant potential in military uses such as body and vehicle armour.

Speaking at a Press conference to launch the new material, its inventor Frank N Steinfabric said, "this is a ground-breaking material - the lightest armour ever devised yet fifteen times tougher and more penetration-resistant than the current multi-layer Kevlar systems".

Mr Steinfabric has been working for ten years on his substance, however the actual breakthrough has only come about in the last few months. Mr Steinfabric said, "we thought we'd tried everything, without success. But recently we noticed that the hide of Prime Minister Gollum Brown seems impervious to absolutely everything - logic, public opinion, and the knives of backbenchers. So we obtained a sample of the PM's skin and were amazed at what we found".

He added, "we were stunned at its resistant qualities and also its thickness. The density of the Prime Minister is quite astounding.

When reinforced with carbon-fibre nanotubes, the PM's carapace has been shown to be one of the toughest materials ever devised - stopping bullets, knife blades and even the Parliamentary Labour Party without even a scratch".

Mr Steinfabric said that he hoped to enter mass-production of PM-skin body armour after the next General Election, when the PM's body would be available for harvesting. However, he criticised Mr Brown for refusing the team's repeated requests to beat him with sticks to test his impact resistance.

Business Secretary Peter Mandelson hailed the discovery, saying that it finally proved that Gordon Brown had a use.

Why?


From 'The Usual Suspects':

"This guy is protected from on-high by the Prince of Darkness himself".

What does Mandelson know, or get from Gollum, that warrants this much protection?


*Yes, my photo-editing skills are non-existent. If someone wants to do a better one, feel free - I'm lookin' at you, Tractorstats...

Monday, June 08, 2009

Politician Wounded in Terror Attack

A Police e-fit of the suspected assailant.

The Government has acted swiftly in response to what it called a 'vicious and unprovoked attack' on a Labour MP by a newly-formed terrorist organisation.

The attack, on former Home Secretary David Blunkett, left him with a broken rib and severe bruising.

A coded admission of responsibility was subsequently sent to The Diary of A Geek from an insurgent organisation calling itself the Bovine Suffrage Ensemble. The statement claimed that it had been responsible, and warned that this is the start of a concerted campaign of violence:

The corrupt administration of humans has milked us dry for too long, and cows across the nation demand that our voices be herd. We will not cease our campaign of direct action until we have the Vote and the hoofprint is accepted as proof of identity. Humans have left us with no udder course of action.

The statement was signed 'Ermintrude Guevara, Chief Publicity Bovine, B.S.E' and marked with a hoofprint and cud signature.

Justice Minister Jack Straw, in a Press conference a few moments ago, announced that the BSE had been added to the Government's list of proscribed organisations. He said, "we will not give into intimidation and terrorism, whatever its species".

The Metropolitan Police are investigating the attack, and have linked it to a recent incident at a dairy farm near Swindon when a cowhand was found attached to his own milking machine. He remains in hospital following his 'milking', and doctors are confident that his penis will return to its normal length within weeks.

The Dead Flag



Given the recent Election results, perhaps NuLieBore should be singing this at their next Conference?

The voters spoke, as one they said,
The Labour project now is dead,
Twas such a great joy to behold,
As not one Council did they hold,

CHORUS
Let's wave the Labour spin goodbye,
The time of their defeat is nigh,
Our hearts are set, our motives clear,
We'll chuck New Labour on its ear
.

Look 'round, they're in their final days,
Infected with a deep malaise,
No praises are for Gordon sung,
Most people think he should be hung,

CHORUS
Let's wave the Labour spin goodbye,
The time of their defeat is nigh,
Our hearts are set, our motives clear,
We'll chuck New Labour on its ear
.

And as among themselves they fight,
We watch with thinly-veiled delight;
New Labour's lies we disavow,
We must have an Election now.

CHORUS
Let's wave the Labour spin goodbye,
The time of their defeat is nigh,
Our hearts are set, our motives clear,
We'll chuck New Labour on its ear
.

Now Labour's time is clearly past,
And we have hope for change at last;
The votes were cast, the message plain,
We want the Tories back again.

CHORUS
Let's wave the Labour spin goodbye,
The time of their defeat is nigh,
Our hearts are set, our motives clear,
We'll chuck New Labour on its ear
.

The Cabinet are weak and base,
Their minds are fixed on saving face,
They cringe and fawn to Gordon Brown,
Though he's the one who brought them down.

CHORUS
Let's wave the Labour spin goodbye,
The time of their defeat is nigh,
Our hearts are set, our motives clear,
We'll chuck New Labour on its ear
.

We want this Government to fall,
We want them out, Brown, Balls and all;
Their chances of survival grim,
This song shall be their parting hymn.

CHORUS
Let's wave the Labour spin goodbye,
The time of their defeat is nigh,
Our hearts are set, our motives clear,
We'll chuck New Labour on its ear
.


Labour Suffers Historic Election Loss

A fat fascist twat shows the nation how many genital warts he has.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown's position is under increased threat again today, after Labour suffered its worst election performance in almost a century.

Results from the European elections saw Labour lose the lead vote-share in Wales in a Parliamentary election for the first time since 1918, and a national slump in support of over 7%.

Labour's overall vote share of just 15% is their worst performance ever in a Parliamentary election, and means that under Gordon Brown, the party is now less popular than venereal disease with the electorate.

An exit poll carried out by DipshitMORI revealed that 64% of those who voted would rather have Herpes than Gordon Brown - a result borne out as the counts progressed during the night.

A straw poll carried out by The Diary of a Geek also strongly supported the results of the official poll. One voter said, "I thought about voting Labour, but then decided to catch Chlamydia from one of the local chavs as a protest vote instead. To be honest, I felt cleaner as a result".

Newly-appointed Health Minister Andy Burnham attempted to cast the Labour result in a more cheerful light, however. Speaking at the Manchester count, he said, "I think we can accept that this has not been a good set of results for Labour. But we have to look at the positives that we can find from this. While it's true that in this election, we were slightly less popular than syphilis, we have Gordon Brown as leader and he's getting on with the job. Doesn't that make you feel confident?".

In a separate development, the British Nazi Party won two seats, including a position for BNP leader Nick Griffin. So he's off to Brussels, and if we've got half a brain we won't let the racist fuckwit back into this country. Ever.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Prime Minister Hospitalised After Attack




Prime Mincer Gollum Brown is in hospital today following a serious assault. Doctors describe his condition as serious but stable.

The incident happened in Arramanches, in northern France, in the hours following the commemoration ceremony for the 65th anniversary of D-Day. Eyewitnesses said that Brown was leaving a meeting with Presidents Sarkozy of France and Obama of the United States when the attack occurred.

One witness said, "as Brown came out of the building, he was set-upon - very slowly - by a team of British Army D-Day veterans in a co-ordinated attack. We - I mean they - laid into him with their walking sticks, and we - sorry, they - were chanting, "it's Omaha beach, you sycophantic Jock fuckwit" as they gave him a pounding".

Members of the Scotland Yard protection team appeared to have been routed by the angry veterans, with witnesses saying that the bodyguards seemed to stand aside as the old soldiers gave Gollum a fucking good shoeing for his disrespect. No arrests were made.

The PM was taken to St. Moron's Hospital for Bewildered Politicians in Westminster, and he remains a patient there while his injuries are treated. Dr Probeya Ringpiece, Proctological Registrar at the hospital, said, "in general the Prime Minister's injuries are not life-threatening. However, given the depth of its penetration, it's going to smart a bit when we remove the zimmer frame".

President Obama was too busy looking cool to comment on the incident.

Friday, June 05, 2009

A Letter to the Prime Minister


Dear Prime Minister

The map says it all.

There's no need, Sir, to recount the many and varied indignities that you and New Labour have inflicted upon this nation. They are well documented, on this site and many others.

So, rather than the usual imprecations, instead I am asking you to do one simple thing.

Look at this map, Prime Minister. Look at it, reflect on what it means, and come to a realisation. You are not wanted.

The bloggers have told you. The mainstream media has told you. Your own Cabinet members and Parliamentarians have told you. Now, the voters have told you. I repeat - you are not wanted.

You say that the country wants you to get on with the job. We do not, sir. We want you gone.

You say that a few rebels will not deter you from your task. It is not a few rebels. Those who resigned, and those who called for you to stand down, were not the voices of a few. They were the voices of the MANY. James Purnell, Graham Allen, Lady Prosser (to name but three in a cavalcade of calls and resignations) were merely the tip of a Parliamentary iceberg. The Labour Party wants you gone.

You say that you will not waver until the job is done. The job has been undone since your uncontested coronation as Leader and Prime Minister. The time has come, Sir, to recognise that your ambition for the post far outweighed your abilities to carry it out.

Look at the map. Realise - please, for the sake of the country you purport to love and the party you purport to serve, realise - that YOU ARE NOT WANTED.

You lack the strategic vision to deliver the society you wish for. You lack the statesmanship to provide the positioning on the world stage this nation deserves. You lack the leadership skills to maintain motivation and authority among your own Cabinet. Most damningly, you lack the self-awareness to see that the Electorate, and your own Party, no longer see you as a competent leader of Government and Country.

With your reshuffle complete, please look around yourself. Look at those you have appointed to leadership roles today. Peter Mandelson, twice forced to resign. Peter Hain, forced to resign over expenses. Glenys Kinnock, unelected EU bureaucrat. In all honesty, can you say that this 'Cabinet of No Talent' is the force that will lead us to your Promised Land of fairness and social justice? I think not. You were simply stymied by the sheer number of your own MPs who said, "enough", and who refused to serve a bankrupt Government with no mandate, no authority and no respect.

If you have the moral and ethical beliefs that you claim, you will reflect on this map and on the events of today and recognise that much as you may have desired the position of Prime Minister, you do not have the talent or capability to hold that position.

Nobody can fault your determination, and you have held steadfast through a period that would have seen many other leaders reaching for the whisky and revolver. But you are not the man for the job you hold.

Please, Mr Brown. Search your conscience. If, as you claim, you love your country and your Party, then do the right thing. Go to the Palace. Dissolve Parliament. Call a General Election. Recognise that this country and your Party no longer want you, have the courage to fight one battle, lose it and step down with dignity and pride. If you do not do so, then your own Party will ensure that you leave your post with neither.

You have sat there far too long, Sir, for all the good it has done. You claim to have a 'Presbyterian conscience'. In that case - in the name of God, go.

Respectfully

DunGeekin


Barrel Scraped, Digging Deeper....

Unbelievable.

I get it, I really do.

I know Gollum's all out of ideas, and is in the midst of losing his authority, his bladder, his cellphone and his mind as resignations and the expenses scandal take their inevitable toll.

I know he's grimly holding on to what little power he has left, and now has so few loyalists remaining that he has almost no options in a 'reshuffle'.
Justify Full
But.

Peter Hain?!?!?!?!??

Peter 'that £103k was an innocent mistake, Officer' Hain?

Peter 'I know she's 80, but she's a good secretary' Hain?

The man who tried to claim for two second homes simultaneously and also claimed for £6000 in heating oil?

Sheesh.

Reshuffle "More of a Slight Jiggle"

"It's so dull, I'm reduced to talking about No. 10's lightbulbs"

Downing Street have released the initial details of Prime Minister Gollum Brown's Cabinet reshuffle to awed disinterest from the world.

Announcements so far include:
  • Home Secretary: Alan Johnson
  • Chancellor: Alistair Darling remains as Chancellor.
  • Foreign Secretary: David Millibland remains at the Foreign Office.
  • Business Secretary: Lord Mandelson stays.
  • Minister for Fellating Gordon: Ed Balls remains on his knees in place.
  • Minister for Defecting to get a Cabinet Job: Shaun 'I used to love IDS' Woodward;
  • Secretary of State for Misandry: Harridan Harperson;
  • Injustice Secretary: Jack Straw remains in place.
More announcements of people who won't actually be moved at all are expected as the day progresses.

Sources close to the Prime Minister said, "well, Gordon made a start, but then his black marker pen ran out, James Purnell did a bunk and, quite frankly, after that we couldn't really be bothered.

The source added, "It's all immaterial anyway, isn't it? I mean, it's completely hopeless. We're all going to be out on our arses within the next couple of months, who wants to pick up a poisoned chalice when they need to be sorting out their final expense claims?"

Adam Boulton, Chief Political Editor of Sky News, described the announcements so far as, "less of a reshuffle, and more of a slight jiggle. How am I supposed to do rolling coverage from outside No. 10 all day if this is the best they can come up with? I'm reduced to talking about their electricity consumption!"

Brown to Fight On Despite Cabinet Resignations

You're not invincible, you're a looney.

Prime Mincer Gollum Brown has insisted that he will 'get on with the job', following the shock resignation of another Cabinet Minister last night.

Work & Pensions Secretary James Purnell issued his sensational announcement within moments of the polls closing in the local Elections, calling on Brown to quit for the good of the Labour Party. However, speaking exclusively to The Diary of a Geek, the PM has vowed to fight on.

Clutching our correspondent's lapels, Brown insisted, "I'm getting on with the job. These resignations, while disappointing, are not going to divert me from my course. It's just a flesh wound. 'Tis but a scratch - I've had worse."

Purnell, who until last night had been seen as a potential high-flyer in the Labour Government, declined to comment on the Prime Mincer's statement. However, he denied rumours that he'd been offered a peerage by Alan Johnson upon his ascension to the Leadership, saying, "I haven't discussed the possibility. I doubt you'll see me in ermine, I have no desire to be the Scarlet Jim Purnell".

Thursday, June 04, 2009

It Ain't Telly, It's Big Brother



It's gone on too long,
This freak show of loons and turds,
It's boring and no-one cares,
Who will win,
And it's wrong,
Wrong to air this crap again,
It ain't telly, it's Big Brother.

So on it goes,
Davina will act concerned,
Remind them "you're live on air,
Please don't swear",
And we know,
We hate that Geordie's commentary,
It ain't telly, it's Big Brother.

If we watch it at all,
we watch it with sadness,
That all those taking part,
All seem filled with a madness,
And they should all be smothered....

It's a long, long road
With no point I can discern,
Why not leave those wastes of air,
Locked in there,
And I know,
They'll bang on about Jade, and all,
It ain't telly, it's Big Brother

It's Big Brother,
It ain't telly, it's Big Brother...

BNP Leader Griffin Found Dead

Griffin. Dead. Good.

BNP leader Nick Griffin has been found dead in a London hotel room, having apparently committed suicide.

Officers were called to the unnamed hotel at 3pm this afternoon, and a Metropolitan Police spokesman has confirmed that a body, positively identified as that of the British National Party Leader, was found hanged from a shower attachment.

Griffin, 50, was known to have been suffering from depression following a recent television appearance.

Having been asked to take part in the BBC Television series 'Who Do You Think You Are?', Mr Griffin had reportedly traced his family back to the Battle of Hastings in 1066. However, he had been traumatised to discover that his great-great-great-great-great-grandfather was, in fact, Nicola de Gryphone, the illegitimate son of a French noblewoman and a Moorish warrior, and whose archers were directly responsible for the death of King Harold.

A source close to Mr Griffin said that the far-right 'politician' had been unable to deal with the emotional pain of being a 'racial foreigner', according to the BNP's own rules, and that he was facing expulsion from the BNP on the grounds of 'being a darkie'.

The Metropolitan Police spokesman said that they were not looking for anyone else in connection with the death, and that anyway they couldn't really be bothered to investigate it.

+++Uma Thurman Arrested+++

Thurman: Arrested leaving the country.

Hollywood star Uma Thurman has been arrested on suspicion of murder, according to police reports today.

The actress, star of 'Pulp Fiction', was detained this afternoon at Phuket International Airport in Thailand, as she attempted to board a flight to Mexico. A spokesman for the Royal Thai Police said that Thurman was being detained in connection with the discovery of a bound body in a Bangkok hotel room earlier today.**

Royal Thai Police spokesman Ong Bak said, "we can confirm that we have a person in custody who we believe can help us with our inquiries. We are especially interested in this person's explanation of a japanese katana found near the scene, and a yellow jumpsuit in her luggage. However, we are releasing no further details at this time".

US Consular officials are believed to be on their way to Phuket, and a State Department official said that an official statement would be released shortly.



**In all seriousness, RIP David Carradine. I always wanted to be 'Grasshopper' as a kid.

BNP Reduced to Begging For Cash

"Fiver for hand-relief, tenner for oral or thirty the full monty. Cheques payable to the BNP."

Documents leaked to The Diary of a Geek have revealed that the far-right British Nazi National Party are so desperately short of funds that they have resorted to begging.

BNP organisers have sent members emails with desperate pleas for small donations, and memos have been sent to all activists suggesting methods of raising cash to 'keep going towards our ultimate goal'.

The memo, which was leaked to The Diary of a Geek, advises BNP members on a number of options to raise cash, and has the following suggestions quoted below:
  • When mugging someone, make sure they're Asian or Jewish, They've normally got plenty of cash.
  • Busking can be a good way of raising small donations. However, it might be wise to steer clear of Skrewdriver tracks.
  • When canvassing on the doorstep, remember to ask for donations. And if one isn't forthcoming, punch the coon-loving pinko in the face and take their car.
  • How about sponsored events? A sponsored walk,perhaps, or a sponsored cross burning. Perhaps shave your head? Oh, wait....
One former BNP member, who chose to remain anonymous, exclusively revealed that Nick Griffin has even resorted to prostitution in a vain attempt to raise enough cash for his Fourth Reich dream.

The source said, "Nick's been doing his best. He's been working round the back end of Plymouth's Union Street offering sexual favours. He was doing alright till that Nigerian ship's company 'pulled a train' on him. It left him with an arse like Blackwall Tunnel, and nearly put him out of business. Last I heard, he'd popped out his glass eye and was charging drunk sailors £5 for a wink".

Postal Votes Bring Record Election Turnout

Record postal-vote turnout. Not fraud in any way. Honest, Guv.

With voting under way in the combined EU and Local Government Elections, early indications are of a record turnout from voters across the UK.

Initial reports from counting rooms indicate that use of postal votes is at its highest since records began, and observing officers are noting that early indications show a very different story to that expected by the opinion polls.

Labour electoral observer Bert Redflag said, "the polls said that New Labour was down-and-out in these elections, heading for fourth place. But with counting of postal votes under way, we are seeing massive support from the electorate, and we're confident of taking control of numerous Tory-held Councils as well as massively increasing our numbers of MEPs".

Initial figures based on postal voting show that so far, 76,380,000 postal votes have been received - all voting Labour. Compared against the 44 million UK citizens registered to vote, this equates to a turnout figure of 173.5909%, the highest since records began.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown welcomed the high turnout, saying, "this shows that I am so popular, people are voting many times and even the dead are levering themselves out of their graves to vote New Labour. There is no chance that this is electoral fraud in any way. I'm just really popular, honest".

Messages of congratulation for the PM have been pouring in from democratically-elected leaders around the globe including Kim Jong-Il, Mahmoud Ahmedinajad, the Burmese leadership and Robert Mugabe, who had provided Brown with campaign advice in the run-up to the election.

Today's The Day.

So, the day dawns.

4 June 2009. A day that will, quite possibly, go down in history. Some might say a legendary day.

A palpable sense of anticipation hangs over our Great Nation, a feeling that by the time this day closes we will have seen amazing things, know much more than we did the day before and have a sensation of ways forward and decisions that must be made.

Yes, it's an historic day.

In Westminster, politicians across the spectrum will turn their eyes to TV screens, waiting for the news to carry the information they crave.

From Edinburgh to Epping, from Aberdeen to Anglesey, the whole country is rapt. Conversation in offices, pubs and across the blogosphere is of nothing else, as with bated breath, we eagerly anticipate the Answer to the question we're all waiting for. . . .

Just HOW fucked-up will tonight's Big Brother contestants be?

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

The Letter The Backbenchers MEANT to Write

Firmly embedded between the PM's shoulder-blades....

This is what they meant to say, instead of the wishy-washy email that's been leaked.


Dear Gordon

Over the course of your ten years as the New Labour Chancellor you systematically destroyed our gold reserves, increased debt to unheard-of levels, taxed Middle England into penury and presided over the complete collapse of pension funds.

As Tony Blair's most hated trusted lieutenant, you assisted in the invasion of Iraq, the destruction of the NHS, the diminution of Civil Liberties to a level commensurate with that of Stalin's Russia, the demolition of education, the politicisation of the Police and the inculcation of a Benefits culture that will take generations to remove.

For all these things, and for the innumerable other contributions you have made to NuLieBore's Grand Plan to fuck up Britain beyond all repair, you have our gratitude.

However, we are writing now because we believe that in the current political situation, we're fucked come what may - but our best chance of getting our grasping socialist mitts on Cabinet salaries again within our lifetimes is if we get rid of you. That way, within a couple of terms the Proles will have put all the blame on you, and conveniently forget that we're all venal, mendacious, corrupt, totalitarian troughers just like you.

Besides, Alan Johnson says it's his turn to play in the chair now, and if we play nice he'll make the expenses flow again.

Give it up, and there might be a nice peerage in it for you.

Love and kisses,

The Backbenchers

PS. Hazel sends her love, but says she wants to be Home Sec when the next PM reshuffles.

PM Unveils Radical New Reshuffle Methods

The new Foreign Secretary awaits delivery of his Red Box.

With a Cabinet-generated Cabinet reshuffle now well and truly underway, and the Prime Minister fighting for his political life, sources within Downing Street say that the PM is ready to embrace radical new methods to engage in the political process.

A backbench rebellion against Brown has led to a dearth of available candidates to restock the PM's cabinet, already depleted by the departures of Second Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, Communities Midget Hazel Blears, Child-Catcher Beverley Hughes and Minister for Twitter Tom Watson. The PM's position was further weakened by the rumoured refusals of Chancellor of the Eyebrows Alistair Darling and Foreign Secretary David Millibland to be moved from their posts.

A source close to the PM said, "Gordon's determined to restore trust. in the political system, and to restore public confidence in the authority and leadership of the Cabinet. And it is right that he does so. We are committed to the process, and are employing the sort of considered, radical approaches to Cabinet recruitment to ensure we achieve the goal of keeping hold of power until 2010".

The Prime Mincer's new approach to Cabinet placement was subsequently revealed to be wandering out onto Whitehall and asking random passers-by if they'd like to be Ministers of the Crown. So far, this has reportedly led to 14 Japanese schoolgirls being appointed Home Secretary, a Guardsman's horse as Children's Minister, a homeless man called Bert to the Foreign Office portfolio and Ed Balls as Chancellor.

Blears Quits Cabinet

"Follow the Yellow Brick Road! Follow the Yellow Brick Road!"

Pint-size Communities Lunatic Hazel Blears, whose shock resignation from the Cabinet today has thrown the Government into even further disarray, has revealed her reasons for quitting.

Speaking at a Press Conference, Blears announced that she took the decision to leave following 'an irrestible approach' from legendary Hollywood movie studio Disney.

Blears, 2'11", squeaked, "While my first love is obviously politics, not many people know that my second is amateur dramatics. In my University days I was involved in several major productions. I played Iago's codpiece in Othello, and I gave my Bottom nightly for two months - and it was very well-received, I might add - in a production of Midsummer Night's Dream."

Blears perkily added, "of course my XXX movie 'When The Blears Blows (featuring John Prescott and a cast of thousands)' is still highly-ranked on the Hamburg DVD charts. So I'm delighted and thrilled to get this chance to go mainstream and become a big star!"

A spokesman for Disney pictures said that Ms Blears had been cast to appear alongside Verne Troyer in an upcoming live-action remake of "Chip'n'Dale, Rescue Rangers". He added that negotiations for the former Cabinet Minister to play a Smurfette and act as a Munchkin in a planned re-imagining of 'The Wizard of Oz' were proceeding well.

Officials from HM Revenue & Customs said that they were monitoring developments 'with interest - much the same as is accruing on her CGT bill'.


Harman Tipped for Reshuffle Promotion

Harman: 'The only one left who still believes Gordon's sane'.

Sources within Downing Street have indicated that Harridan Harpy is likely to receive a major promotion in the Cabinet reshuffle expected after Thursday's Local and European Elections.

Harman, who is currently in The Priory being treated for exhaustion after a long and tiring 12-hour media tour extolling the virtues of Gollum Brown, is tipped for much greater responsibility in the reshuffle, with the PM running out of people he can trust to do his bidding.

A Downing Street source said, "basically, with all the quitting that's been going on, and with David Millipede and Postman Johnson challenging The Saviour of the World, Gordon now knows that Harriet's the only person who's still prepared to shill on his behalf.

"As a result, Harridan will be taking on the newly-created role of Secretary of State for Everything, replacing all the other members of the Cabinet.

"With this radical, ground-breaking approach, the Prime Minister will ensure that he has at least one loyal Cabinet Member who's prepared to spout his bollocks toe the Leader's line".

Jacqui Smith was unavailable for comment, as she was at home watching porn with Richard Timney.

Reviewing The (Cabinet) Situation...



THE SCENE:

Late at night, in his Downing Street Bunker, GORDON sits, hunched pensively, over an almost-blank pad of paper. All that is written on it is 'Mye Noo Cabbinet'. GORDON picks up his black marker pen and, sighing heavily, begins to sing. . . .

GORDON

A man's got a heart, hasn't he?
Joking apart -- hasn't he?
And though all the polls say that my chance of survival is faint...

I just can't believe that it's all quite as black as they paint...

I'm reviewing the situation
Can a PM get through all this stress and strife?
The Expenses revelations!
Means this reshuffle's a must to save my life.
I'll have Mandy as Home Secretary,
And Balls can have the Treasury,
But Alan wants this seat from me.
And Blears has got it in for me.
And Millibland's defying me!
...They're gearing up to challenge me!

...I think I'd better think it out again!

GORDON crumples the first sheet of paper and laboriously writes the heading for another...

The rebels can keep, anyway
They're in this too deep, anyway.
I'm without McBride's help with the world,
And I'm starting from now
So how to win votes and persuade the backbenchers,
--So how?

I'm reviewing the situation,
I must quickly look up ev'ryone I know.
Who can feign -- true admiration
Who can help me make a real impressive show!
I will use them for advantages,
To block the Tory barrages,
And they'll be mere appendages,
My sycophants until, that is
Cognisant of my weakened state...
...They leak things to the Fourth Estate!

Oh gawd!

...I think I'd better think it out again.

Another crumpled piece of paper is tossed into the bin alongside the first.

So where shall I go -- somebody?
Who do I know? Nobody!
All my friends on the benches
Were spinners and smearers and thieves...
So at my time of life
Should I heed all the polls, and just leave...?

I'm reviewing the situation.
Unlike Tony Blair I'll have to earn a bob!
Is it such a humiliation
For an ex-PM to do an honest job?
But my work on the Economy,
Means banking jobs won't come to me.
And my autobiography,
Will hardly make a cent for me,
And I can't talk at dinner dates,
...My public speaking's second-rate!

...I think I'd better think it out again.

What happens when it's Polling Day?
It must come sometime...Polling Day.
When the voters are cold
And they say that it's time for goodbye,
But how can they know,
That there's no greater Leader than I...

I'm reviewing the situation.
I'm 'The Saviour Of The World' and I shall stay!
You'll be seeing no transformation,
This reshuffle will take all my cares away.

I want Mandy slinging dirt for me,
And Balls and Hoon to cover me,
The media's hatred for that three,
Will help to take the heat off me,
And challenges won't bother me,
They'll never take this job from me,
I'm PM and will always be,
I'll change the law if necess'ry...

...They'll never get me out of Number Ten!

Hey!

(With apologies to Lionel Bart. And Charles Dickens. And Ron Moody.)