A backbench rebellion against Brown has led to a dearth of available candidates to restock the PM's cabinet, already depleted by the departures of Second Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, Communities Midget Hazel Blears, Child-Catcher Beverley Hughes and Minister for Twitter Tom Watson. The PM's position was further weakened by the rumoured refusals of Chancellor of the Eyebrows Alistair Darling and Foreign Secretary David Millibland to be moved from their posts.
A source close to the PM said, "Gordon's determined to restore trust. in the political system, and to restore public confidence in the authority and leadership of the Cabinet. And it is right that he does so. We are committed to the process, and are employing the sort of considered, radical approaches to Cabinet recruitment to ensure we achieve the goal of keeping hold of power until 2010".
The Prime Mincer's new approach to Cabinet placement was subsequently revealed to be wandering out onto Whitehall and asking random passers-by if they'd like to be Ministers of the Crown. So far, this has reportedly led to 14 Japanese schoolgirls being appointed Home Secretary, a Guardsman's horse as Children's Minister, a homeless man called Bert to the Foreign Office portfolio and Ed Balls as Chancellor.