Motoring Groups Issue Winter Driving Advice

With as many as four million people expected to be heading on their Christmas holidays today, safety organisations have issued stern warnings about travelling as concern about the weather conditions continues.

A spokesman for the AA pleaded with travellers not to commit to their journey unless it was life-or-death, which it probably would be.

The spokesman said, "in the name of all that's holy, don't do it. I mean, it's been minus seven degrees out there. The human body can't cope with that sort of cold*. I mean, seriously, that's like the end of the world. We would recommend that you not undertake any journey unless it's absolutely necessary.

"Don't drive. Don't even leave your house. If you get in your car, we guarantee you'll crash before you reach the end of your drive, and even if you survive the accident you'll probably be eaten by polar bears or submerged in an avalanche".

In a related development, motorists group the Society of Twattish Drivers has released their Top Tips for those forced to drive in the Arctic conditions today. Their Press Release suggests the following precautions**:

• When approaching a hill in a chavved-up Vauxhall Corsa with dustbin exhausts, with other vehicles struggling to climb the hill, do ensure that you try and drive up, attempting to overtake them with six inches of clearance on the way. After all, your car must be much more capable than the Range Rover that's sliding back downhill, right?

• When driving in snow and ice, ensure that you are nice and close to the car in front. That way you get help stopping in an emergency - and having a Transit van forcibly inserted into their bottom will be a nice Christmas present for the driver in front.

• If driving a BMW, ensure that you rev as hard as possible when starting in icy conditions. Nothing entertains other drivers more than watching your barely-controlled back end slithering ominously towards their car.

• Overtaking is fine, especially at speeds in excess of the limit. We're sure that the untouched snow in the middle of the road won't have any ice underneath it, honest.

• It's only a bit of early-morning freezing fog. Why on earth would you need to put your lights on? We're sure you can see perfectly well through the three-inch-diameter circle of unmisted windscreen anyway, why waste amps on pointless external visibility?

• Cyclists: now is the perfect time to ride your bike on ice, after 4:30pm, on a national speed limit road, without lights or reflective gear. Especially if there's a perfectly-serviceable cycle path six feet away. Motorists love the added entertainment of having to handle your wobbly, slippy presence on top of snow flurries and black ice.

*For DEITY'S sake, stop referring to it as 'Arctic' etc. I've asked you before. It's a bit parky, that's all. Wear a coat.

**yes, these are all examples I've seen in the last few days.