The strategic changes, announced by Defence Mincer Blakey Ainsworth, are aimed to provide a stronger front-line presence in the Afghanistan conflict, while reducing operational costs elsewhere within the MoD.
Mr Ainsworth said, "it is right that we focus our energies and what little cash we have left on the immediate situation we've got ourselves into, and leave all other operational considerations aside. This package of changes will create a modern Armed Forces in the true image of Labour, ready to take on any threat as long as it doesn't take too long, cost too much or have too much sophisticated weaponry".
Under the new proposals, the MoD are to order 22 new 1:12 scale Chinook helicopters from Airfix, at a cost of £24.99 each, to bolster the existing fleet of barely-airworthy crocks. This will be paid for by the closure of all RAF airbases, the sale of any remaining aircraft and the reduction of the Royal Navy to two Trident submarines and a a converted fishing trawler.
Mr Ainsworth added that the existing ground force in Hellmand Province was to be enhanced by the creation of a new Battalion to the Army, which he described as 'the Labour equivalent of the Ghurkas'. This new Battalion, tentatively to be named The Queen's Own Taliban Rifles, will be comprised of locally-sourced personnel.
The Minister said, "this is the perfect cost-effective solution to our manpower needs in Afghanistan. The Taliban are cheap to hire, they come with their own weapons which saves costs on Defence procurement, and we're sure they'll be loyal. We've made them promise not to blow themselves up at the Passing-Out Parade and everything".