A New Labour Carol Service

Hello, and welcome to this special service of celebration of a modern, New Labour British Christmas Winterval. It's so lovely to see so many people here in the congregation - obviously withholding Tax Credits from non-attendees was a good method of increasing attendance.

I'm Gordon, and I'll be your onanist humanist Leader for this Celebration. Let's just take a moment to recognise our other volunteer helpers today - Mr Woollas is managing the guest list, Mr Donaldson is looking after the bar and, as you might expect, Mr Mandelson will be playing the organ.

So, without further ado, please stand and let's have our first Modern British Carol.

AWAY IN A MANGER

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed,
The little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head,
And then Social Services saw where he lay,
And they claimed child neglect and they took him away.

Please be seated. There, wasn't that lovely? Now, the New Labour Christmas is, as you know, a time for children - and by that, of course, we mean that we've borrowed the money for the hall, the decorations and the food and your kids are going to be paying for it for the next thirty years.

Now, you'll see that there are some differences between the New Labour Christmas and the traditional Tory Toff christmas. Obviously the Nativity Scene doesn't have any Wise Men, because we discovered the one bearing Gold was actually an investment banker so we taxed him, and the other two are locked up in Belmarsh under terror legislation.

There's no star because of regulations on light pollution, and you'll also note that there are no cattle in the Nativity scene due to an unfortunate outbreak of Foot and Mouth disease. Oh, and there aren't any Shepherds as their Enhanced CRB checks haven't come through yet. Finally, Mary and Joseph are currently in Campsfield House Detention Centre pending deportation back to Nazareth.

So instead, the New Labour Nativity scene is a photograph of the true Saviour of the World - me - being attended by my adoring Cabinet. Lovely. Let's have another Carol.

GORD REST YE COMMONS GENTLEMEN

Gord rest ye Commons Gentlemen, for nothing will you pay,
Just know that your Expenses claims will cover costs today,
The system means you have the power your outlays to defray,
Oh trough, claim for all that you enjoy,
All you enjoy,
Ohhhh trough and claim for all that you enjoy.

Wasn't that wonderful, everybody? A hymn to your leaders, who will be thinking of you over their John Lewis-expensed Yuletide tables this holiday season. Honest.

Anyway, let us all celebrate the fact that we're getting on with the job of bringing you, the voters, the Christmas celebration we think you deserve. I hope that you all enjoy the festive season with your low-carbon tree, low fat/low salt Christmas dinner, your presents funded on what little credit you have remaining, and the hope that your bank will have sufficient goodwill not to repossess your house after your business collapses in the double-dip next year. Time for another Carol.

HARK THE CREDIT AGENTS SING

Hark the Credit Agents sing,
Britain's ripe for downgrading,
Public spending has gone wild,
Their debt can't be reconciled,

Interest rates are bound to rise,
With our debts that's no surprise,
Though New Labour do proclaim,
None of this is down to them,
Hark the Credit Agents sing,
Britain's ripe for downgrading!

Thank you ladies, gentlemen and kiddies, and I hope you enjoyed our Modern New Labour Carol Service. Our last song - probably for many years - will be playing as you make your way out, and there's a small collection going on at the door. Please give what you can, otherwise we'll just add another couple of percentage points to National Insurance next year.

Oh, and Happy Christmas.


CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN BUGGERED BY BROWN

He's buggered it up,
He's bled us all dry,
The debt for us all is terribly high,
Christmas has been buggered by Brown,

You'd have to be pissed,
To think that he's nice,
For all that he's done we're paying the price,
Christmas has been buggered by Brown,

His speeches leave us sleeping,
We really need a break,
His leadership has been no good,
Gordon GO for goodness' sake!

Oh,
He's buggered it up,
He's bled us all dry,
The debt for us all is terribly high,
Christmas has been buggered by Brown.