THE DIARY OF A GEEK IN OXFORDSHIRE


Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The Christmas Address from His Mandyness the Queen


Greetings, my Subjects. Normally, one would expect to receive an address from the Head of State, but as everyone knows I'm the most important Queen in the country, I thought I would grace you with my thoughts this Festive season.

As you know, I am the true power in the country. I am frequently behind Gordon Brown (in more ways that one, duckie, if you catch my meaning) - and I'm also frequently behind the public lavs near Westminster Bridge...but enough about me, let's talk about me.

Reinaldo and I, as Queen and Consort, understand the pressures placed on the little people by the economic downturn. Obviously it doesn't affect us directly, because our Christmas was all handled by the Parliamentary expense account at Fortnums - but we do hear the stories. Just yesterday, our Butler was in tears while serving the stuffed swan, as he was in arrears with his mortgage and about to be repossessed. Reini and I, of course, did what we could - we fired him. The last thing we want is miserable people around at Christmas.

I want you to know that my Government is getting on with the job, and doing everything in our power to ensure that we stay in power keep the expenses flowing economy moving for us you in these difficult times. I back my Chancellor totally - that's back, dear, not top - and we meet with the Prime Minister regularly to have a mass debate on the issues.

Which is murder for the cleaners, I can tell you.

Moving on to democracy - my Government is getting on with the job there too. Jacqui's doing a lovely job making sure we don't have to bother with it any more, and we've organised a deal with the darlings at the BBC to give you peasants lots more lovely reality TV shows so you don't need to trouble your tiny brains about democratic representation.

So, in conclusion, for all my Subjects 2009 will be a year to look forward to. My Government will get rid of nasty, mucky elections once and for all, giving me a wide backdoor (just like Gordon's - mmmm!) to take the Throne as the rightful Queen of England.

Rejoice, proles of England, and celebrate the ascension of Queen Mandy the First! Seasons Greetings to you all - I'm off to play naked Twister with the Speaker. Apparently, he's got a Black Rod....

3 comments:

Cato said...

What no badger watching on Clapham Common?
Still I expect they'll be glad of a rest, the poor little things.

Hedgewytch said...

Heh Heh!

it's either banned or compulsory said...

Begging your pardon m'lord but forgive my stupidity for presenting my Wayenetta for you to enjoy Droit de seigneur; yes I'll fuck off and bring our Darren along when he gets to 16.
Thank you most 'umbly.