THE DIARY OF A GEEK IN OXFORDSHIRE


Solving the World's problems with common sense and a flamethrower.

Friday, December 12, 2008

When Toilets Attack!

WARNING. CONTAINS DISBELIEF AND SWEARING AND SHOULD BE VIEWED ONLY UNDER RoSPA GUIDELINES AND UNDER ADULT SUPERVISION.


It's clear that RoSPA and Pravda don't listen to me.

From the worthies at Nanny Beeb: Toddlers' toilet seat crush peril

What the fuck. No, really, seriously, What. The. FUCK.

Money Quote:
"He called for more seats to be designed to fall slowly, and for heavier seats to be banned from households with young boys. "

Abolutely classic. You really couldn't make this nannying bullshit up if you tried.

Dr Joe Philip, of Leighton Hospital in Crewe: If you honestly feel that way, then it is my most sincere hope that you never breed, as I pity your children. If you already have been able to find a female insane enough to permit you to inseminate her, might I suggest placing your children naked in a large, hermetically-sealed oxygen tent, providing only scrubbed air and feeding them non-GM, organic baby food through a regularly-changed sterile tube?

You'll have to worry about bodily wastes however - and clearly given the terrible menace posed by the lethal household WC they can't use that. Catheterisation, perhaps?

Seriously though. You can't protect your kids from every potential menace in the house. If they're little, take them to the loo. It's what we do with our three-year-old. It's simple, it's effective and it requires only a modicum of responsibility on the part of a parent.

Everyone, stop. Just fucking STOP calling for things to be banned. IF (and with just 250 cases per year nationwide, it's a pretty big IF) little Johnny gets his knob clonked by a vengeful toilet seat, it won't kill him - nor is it likely to cause significant long-term psychological damage. It's one of those 'rites-of-passage' things into manhood, like getting it caught in his zip. Which he will do, as we all did. And he'll learn to pull back sooner, which could be a useful lesson in later life.

And thinking about it, if little Johnny takes said blow to the goolies, why on earth would you take him to hospital? It's a bruise. It hurts, and he'll cry. Admittedly it's not something Mummy can kiss better, but it's not exactly life-threatening, is it?

Or perhaps we should ban zips too? Sheesh.

1 comment:

nicholas butler said...

so thats a no on banning zips then ? I was going to suggest Velcro fastners in place of zippers. Possibly also removing laces from shoes because people trip up.