Sky News, Choudhary and Sharia Law

Anjem Choudary - a barbaric perversion of the Islamic faith.

A hearty 'Well Done' is today due to Sky News, for their sterling effort in showing fundamentalist Islam up for the brutal, barbaric and degrading perversion of faith that it is. Unfortunately the video isn't available from Sky News.

A debate between two moderate muslims - both of whom were against the widespread imposition of Sharia Law - and one Anjem Choudary, the 'Islamic Lawyer' who seems to believe that the Sharia is the cure for the entire world's ills.

The first thing to note is how pleasant it was to see Sharia Law and its punishments condemned as 'barbaric' by moderate muslims. That was heartening. But let's just look at a couple of noteworthy comments made by YOU, Mister British Taliban, and dig a little deeper.

"People have asked to be flogged"
Well, yes, I would imagine they have. Given the choice between death, amputation or a damn good beating, I would probably also elect to have the skin flayed off my back by a burly, sadistic mullah. That doesn't mean it's a good punishment.

Choosing between amputation and flogging (the example given in the debate) is asking someone whether they would like to eat a fresh turd or fresh vomit for supper. Neither are palatable, but most people would choose the lesser of the two.

"Under Sharia Law, there have been only two rapes"
I'm sure. However, I do rather wonder whether this is a factor of Sharia Law or the fundamentalist approach to women.

After all, you can't be raped by a stranger if you're not allowed to leave the house. You can't have spousal rape if the woman is a chattel of the man, because she has no right to object.

I would also imagine most women would be unlikely to make a complaint of rape if to do so would guarantee them jail and a flogging for adultery.

"The word Islam means submission to the Will of God"
And your God advocates the execution of all who wish not to submit.

Your God advocates Death for apostasy.Death by stoning for adultery. Hanging for homosexuality.

My Atheism does not call for the death of those who refute my views. Neither does Christianity (my views on which are well documented). Neither does Judaism, Hinduism, Sikhism, Bhuddism or even Scientology. Who, pray, is out of step here?

You claim that Sharia has been the Law of God for over 1300 years. What's frightening is that by your slavish Submission, you fail to recognise that law drafted 1300 years ago which remains unchanged is not good law.

What doesn't change can't grow. What doesn't grow can't learn.

Your Sharia was relevant in a past time, a more barbaric time. As a species we have matured, grown away from crucificion, breaking on the rack, burning at the stake, the thumbscrews and the Iron Maiden. The ducking stool, scold's bridle and pillory are no longer a part of our justice system. Yet you believe the world should Submit to a battery of laws notable only for their archaic brutality.

You believe that the word of a MAN - for, and let's not forget this, Muhammad was a human being (and if I have read the Quran correctly, ALL men are imperfect), translating the word of God, should remain utterly valid, unchanged and unchanging for 1400 years.

Even other members of your own religion deny your interpretation and your desire for the world to Submit.

Your answer to them was, "how can you call yourselves muslims?". I would ask you the same question. More pertinently, I would ask you how you can call yourself a human being.

Your moderate debaters showed you, and your perversion of Islam, up for the anachronistic sadism that it is. They showed, calmly and clearly, that it's possible, desirable and right to be a human being first and a muslim second.

Instead of taking your cues from the writings of a long-dead Prophet, perhaps you should start learning from the rest of Mankind.

New UK Party Promises Stimulus Packages

The logo of the new UK Stimulus Party.

A new political party - the UK Stimulus Party - has been launched today, promising to 'give Britain the stimulus it needs in these troubled times'.

Speaking at the launch conference, Party Chairman Eric Mainsvoltage said, "The UK Stimulus Party will be fielding candidates only in the constituencies of Cabinet Ministers, and aims to offer UK voters the chance to see the sort of stimulus package that will revitalise faith in British Politics. Many people have talked at length about giving our political system the 'Mussolini Stimulus', but a detailed survey has shown that most of this country's lamp-posts couldn't take the strain, and given the current state of the economy we could never afford enough piano wire".

He added, "To that end, our Manifesto is based upon the single issue - the provision of suitable stimuli to the Cabinet Ministers who have put us in this situation".

The manifesto pledges include the following stimulus packages:

GORDON BROWN:
A stimulus package involving the average per-capita share of the National Debt, in 10p pieces, heated white-hot then administered rectally;

JACQUI SMITH:
To be immersed, inverted, in a vat of molten CCTV cameras while being flogged with printouts from her beloved databases;

JACK STRAW:
A six-month period of intense prostate stimulus, provided at length by 'Ringsplitter' Bloggs and 'Pole-Vault' Higgins, both of B-Wing, Wormwood Scrubs. Pain relief to be provided by a wire brush and Dettol.

PETER MANDELSON:
Details of the full stimulus package are to be finalised, but will involve loose-fitting trousers, rabid weasels and a full credit-report;

GEOFF HOON:
Stimulus to be provided by a combined Army, Navy and RAF detachment specially provided for the purpose. All members of the detachment to be veterans who served during Hoon's tenure as Defence Secretary. 'Snatch' Landrovers to be provided, as it will be interesting to see if one will fit.

Stimulus packages for other Cabinet Members are also included in the Manifesto, however we are unable to print them as at some would result in excommunication and simply reading them would leave the general public needing counselling. The Manifesto also pledges a referendum on applying similar stimuli to members of the Opposition who failed to hold the Government to account over the last decade.

Mr Mainsvoltage also added that he was hoping to recruit a Party Leader from the current crop of decent politicians, and that he sincerely hoped Dan Hannan MEP would take up the position.

Armstrong Shrugs off TdF Injury Fears

Legendary cycle racer Lance Armstrong has insisted that he'll be able to compete in the Tour de France, despite fracturing his collarbone in an horrific crash last week.

The rider, injured in the Vuelta Castilla y Leon following a multiple pileup on the first day of the race, shrugged off the shoulder injury, saying, "I'll ride one-armed if I have to. After all, I've raced one-bollocked for years".

There's a Hole in my Budget

There's a hole in my Budget, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
There's a hole in my Budget, dear Gordon, a hole
Then fix it, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
Then fix it, dear Darling, dear Darling, fix it.

With what shall I fix it, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
With what shall I fix it, dear Gordon, with what?
Raise taxes, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
Raise taxes, dear Darling, dear Darling, raise tax.

The taxes are too high, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
The taxes are too high, dear Gordon, too high
Then borrow, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
Then borrow, dear Darling, dear Darling borrow!

From whom shall I borrow, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
From whom shall I borrow, dear Gordon, from whom?
From the banks, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
From the banks, dear Darling, dear Darling, the banks!

The banks are all buggered, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
The banks are all buggered, dearGordon, buggered!
Then nationalise, dear Darling, dear Darling
Then nationalise, dear Darling, nationalise!

Now our debt is too high, dear Gordon, Dear Gordon
Our debt is too high, dear Gordon, too high.
Print money, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling,
Print money, dear Darling, just quantative ease!

Now we've rampant inflation, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
Now we've rampant inflation, dear Gordon, what now?
Deny it, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
Deny it, dear Darling, dear Darling, deny!

How shall I deny it, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
How shall I deny it, dear Gordon, but how?
Blame the Tories, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
Blame the Tories, dear Darling, dear Darling, the Blues!

Now the Governor's moaning, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
Now the Governor's moaning, dear Gordon, he says 'no more cash'
Then spin it, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
Then spin it, dear Darling, say it's all his fault!

Now our debt burden's climbing, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
Now our debt burden's climbing, dear Gordon, our debt!
Borrow more, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
Borrow more, dear Darling, dear Darling, borrow more!

But how to repay it, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
But how to repay it, dear Gordon, but how?
Raise taxes, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
Raise taxes, dear Darling, dear Darling, raise tax!

But how shall I raise them, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
But how shall I raise, them dear Gordon, but how?
In the Budget, dear Darling, dear Darling, dear Darling
In the Budget, dear Darling, dear Darling, the Budget

There's a hole in my Budget, dear Gordon, dear Gordon
There's a hole in my Budget, dear Gordon, a hole!

DJ Moyles in Gay Sex Arrest Shocker

Chris Moyles demonstrates what got him into trouble last night.

Fat Radio 1 DJ and well-known homophobe Chris Moyles has been arrested for gross indecency, it was revealed today.

The presenter, who makes (too) much of his heterosexuality was recently reprimanded by the BBC for unpleasant remarks concerning the sexuality of singer Will Young, remains in custody pending further enquiries and a dry-cleaning bill for a policeman's trousers.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police announced that Moyles, 32 stone, was arrested at 0115 this morning in a public convenience in Soho, after he allegedly performed a sex act upon a plain-clothes officer.

The spokesman said, "we can confirm that a fat, obnoxious radio presenter was arrested in the early hours of this morning, after attempting to fellate a plain-clothes detective. The individual concerned propositioned the officer for certain other acts, and asked the officer to call him 'Will'. The officer declined and arrested the individual".

Moyles was unavailable for comment, but a BBC spokesman said that they were treating the allegation with the utmost seriousness. The BBC spokesman added, "If this allegation turns out to be true, then Chris has also blown his career".

Will Young was too busy laughing to comment.

Government Launch New Anti-Terror Force

The new Anti-Terror Unit dealing with seditious material.

The Government today announced the creation of a new, 60,000-strong volunteer force to take the war against extremism and terror into the streets of Britain.

A development of the 'citizen justice' concept that brought us the Traffic Wombles and the Pseudoplods, the unit, named the Tactical Warfare Anti-Terror Squads, is to be drawn from the massed ranks of Guardian readers and will receive up to three hours of specialist training in how to spot and deal with the dangerous extremists in our midst.

Armed with Tasers and other non-lethal weapons up to and including recordings of Gordon Brown's speeches, the TWATS will patrol the streets of Britain seeking out and administering swift justice to those involved in extremist and terrorist behaviour including:

- Taking photographs, making notes or filming at tourist attractions;

- Smoking in public;

- The possession or use of a beard;

- Vegetarianism;

- The use of Facebook, Twitter or other extremist sites for the spreading of sedition, such as saying the Prime Minister is a colossal cock;

- Whatever the Regime decides constitutes extremist behaviour that day.

While the TWATS are not expected to have powers of arrest (yet), Home Secretary Jacqui Beria has confirmed that they will have all the powers of the NuLieBore Jobsworth, with the power to enter homes, and to impose penalties up to an £80 fine for suicide bombing, or life imprisonment for calling any member of the Goonvernment a Stalinist Fuckwit.

Ms Beria said, "with the increased threat of terrorism and extremist behaviour, it is right that we create a unit of nosy, interfering busybodies brainwashed with our interminable, fear-mongering drivel, to poke their overly-long proboscises into the daily lives of every citizen in the country. We will also be setting up an anti-terror extension to the 'Crimestoppers' phone service, whereby anyone with a grudge information can shop their neighbour anonymously and watch as they're dragged away by the Fingermen Anti-Terror Police".

In a separate but related development, the Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, Brownies, Girl Guides, Boys Brigade and Combined Cadet Forces are all to be merged into a single entity to be called The Junior Spies.

Gordoom McBroon Demolished

The Devalued Prime Minister of a Devalued Government.

Presented without further comment - simply watch and enjoy.

Giant Painted Prick Shock

Apparently, the parents of an 18-year-old took over a year to realise he'd painted a 60ft penis on the roof of their house.

That's nothing, though - it took the UK electorate almost a decade to work out that Gordon Brown's a colossal cock.

UK Terror Threat Rises

The shadowy 'Mister Brown', the world's most dangerous 'economic terrorist'.

The threat to the UK from terrorist groups has increased, according to a new report on counter-terrorism published today.

The report said that it had become easier than ever before for such groups to create a “dirty bomb” which could cause widespread deadly contamination.

However, it acknowledged that while there is a 'slightly increased risk' of a physical terror attack on the UK Mainland, the Joint Terrorism Analysis Centre added that the gravest danger to UK National Security is 'fiscal terrorism'.

Terror analyst and author of the report, I. E. D. Findah, said, "our research indicates that there is a significant risk of fiscal terrorism, whereby the national economy is attacked and damaged in order to allow the terrorists to achieve their goal of ultimate, lasting control and power".

Mr Findah pointed to the work of a 'dangerous cabal of economic terrorists', known to intelligence agencies as Al Liebore, and led by a mysterious fundamentalist known only as 'Mister Brown'. According to the report, this organisation has already dealt the economy significant blows including the decimation of UK Gold Reserves, the collapse of Sterling, the nationalisation of the UK banking industry, rising and uncontrollable debt and impending hyperinflation.

He added, "however, Al Liebore's most stunning coup to date was their 1997 attack on pension funds, which has resulted in massive damage to the pockets, incomes and welfare of millions of Britons.

'Mister Brown', who styles himself 'The Saviour of the World' and whose true identity and affiliations remain a mystery, is now the UK's most wanted man, and is believed to be in hiding in South America.

A spokesman for the Home Office refused to comment on Mr Findah's reports, saying only that it was a matter of National Security. However, the spokesman did add that he was confident the provisions within the Civil Contingencies Act would ensure that nobody would be able to complain about the atrocities committed by Al Liebore in future.

Post for 'Ada Lovelace Day'

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Exclusive: Jade's Funeral Arrangements Leaked

The Diary of A Geek has obtained a secret memorandum outlining the details of Jade Goody's planned State Funeral, which we reproduce below:

*****

Memorandum

FROM:
The Office of Max Clifford, PR to the Chavs

TO:
The Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP, Prime Minister
Sir Paul Stephenson, Metropolitan Police Commissioner
The Most Reverend Father in God, Rowan Williams, by Divine Providence Lord Archbishop of Canterbury, Primate of All England and Metropolitan

SUBJECT:
Arrangements for the State Funeral of St Jade of Goody


Gentlemen

Further to our conference call and the subsequent discussions in Cabinet and at Lambeth Palace and Scotland Yard, below is the agreed itinerary for Jade's State Funeral. Please contact me if you have any final amendments.

0930:
Final photographs of the Blessed Corpse by 'OK' Magazine and The Sun.

0945:
Coffin is loaded into a pink stretch Humvee and proceeds from the funeral home, via Constitution Hill, The Mall and Trafalgar Square to Westminster Abbey. Mourners will follow in souped-up, bodykitted Corsas with dustbin exhausts.

1015:
Cortege arrives at Westminster Abbey, and is carried down the red carpet preceded by Davina McCall giving live coverage.

1030:
Service begins. Liturgy to be given by Dr Williams. Events inside the Abbey are to be broadcast live with a voiceover by an annoying, dull-voiced Geordie (to be provided by Endemol Productions).

1040:
Fight to break out between the families of Jade and Jack over seating arrangements. Jack to offer the Prime Minister 'outside'. (This will have the added benefit of making the PM seem 'hard' and 'one of the boys'.

1045:
Fight to be broken up following pleas from Davina McCall, reminding attendees that they 'are live on Channel 4, please do not swear'.

1050:
Prime Minister the Rt. Hon. Gordon Brown to deliver the Eurghlogy.

1100:
Those present to be administered smelling salts following the PM's speech.

Elton John takes the stage to sing (yet another) rewritten version of 'Candle in the Wind' (Lyrics kindly provided by Dungeekin.

1115:
Ceremony ends. Coffin to be loaded back into pink Humvee and will proceed eastward. Expect traffic delays while mourners lining the streets throw benefit cheques and bottles of White Lightning in the path of the cortege.

On Arrival at Epping Burial Ground (Time: Dependent upon public grief):
OK Magazine to take their exclusive photographs in preparation for their 'Jade: Before & After, 1 Year On' special.

Body to be interred in a private ceremony, streamed live on Channel 4 and with interviews of the mourners by Davina. Photographers will be limited to 'OK', 'Hello', 'Heat', 'Celeb', The Sun, The Mirror, The Star, The Daily Express, The Daily Mail, Pig Farmers Gazette, The Sport, The Essex Punch, the Fortean Times, 'Take A Break', 'Real Life' and 'Tatler'.

NOTE: Gravesite is to be clearly marked for the exhumation in 12 months' time (see 'OK' Magazine above).

Mourners to repair to the Chav & Headbutt, Epping, for the Wake.

1700:
Family of Jade to give a Press Conference.

1700-2100:
Live streaming on E4 of the Wake, with commentary by annoying Geordie. Davina on standby to interview anyone punched, puking, ejected or fucked by the bins round the back.

2100:
Jack Tweed to assault two photographers outside the Chav & Headbutt, Epping. Voiceover to the assault to be provided by the same annoying Geordie.

2300:
Further arrests made, following another fight between families. Transport provided home, with final interviews conducted by Davina.


Hoping this meets with your final approval, and look forward to seeing you at the (sending) off.

Best Regards

Max

Reform Body Attacks 'Database State'

A report from the Joseph Rowntree Reform Trust has said the UK 'database state' wastes billions from the public purse and often breaches human rights laws.

The government spends £16bn a year on databases and plans to spend a further £105bn on projects over five years but does not know the precise number of the "thousands" of systems it operates, the trust claims.

Responding to the report, Justice Minister Laventiy Straw said the Government was "never losing sight" of its obligations under the data protection and human rights acts.

However, he agreed that there was no longer a consensus over precisely how many databases the Government was running, nor any unified method of controlling and managing access to the data held therein.

He added, "this is a known issue and a matter of concern for Government, because there's probably data on terrorists that we haven't properly indexed. Or something. As as a result, we are announcing an immediate investment of £500 billion into a new IT project to consolidate all our databases into one big database.

"This will require putting together a database to index and analyse the number of databases we currently have, and once this is done we will set up a new database into which we will import the older databases. We'll then put together a new database of all the current users of the legacy databases, and from there we can create a database of the users who'll need access to the new database. The big database, I mean, not the old user database. Er. . . ".

Civil Liberties campaigners refused to comment on Mister Straw's announcement, because they couldn't understand it. However, Derek Lostit, of Government contractor DataLoss Services PLC, welcomed the new consolidation process, saying, "this is going to be great. Now we can lose every single bit of data on a person in one hit, rather than working across multiple databases. It'll save us a fortune in CD-Rs, USB keys and train fares".

BT Announces Super-fast Broadband Sites

Esther Hall - the best part of BT.

Telecoms giant BT have announced the first locations where substantial numbers of customers will have access to fibre-based super-fast broadband via the firm's network.

Areas of Belfast, Cardiff, Edinburgh, Glasgow, London and Manchester will be among the first locations, bringing new ways of losing Internet access to approximately 500,000 homes and businesses.

BT's UK Broadband Services Manager George Smith (real name Apu Nahasapeemapetilon), speaking from the UK Operations HQ in Mumbai, said, "In this climate of increased Internet use and competition from cable providers, we at BT are being aware that our normal system of modems that can't synch, cretins on the Helldesk and charging for an 8MB service when only providing 2Mb isn't going to cut it. We are needing to ensure that our users are experiencing the absolute ultimate in poor quality-of-service, and the new fibre service will be allowing us to be giving this to customers".

The firm has pledged to spend £1.5billion by 2012 on enhanced software systems which will provide a 98% guarantee that user's downloads will fail when at 98% completed, and that the remaining 2% of traffic will suffer the required level of file corruption. A planned software upgrade to ensure that broadband services are lost when streaming TV is used is also in the pipeline.

Mr Smith added that the new Business services would also have enhanced capability, including the facility to monitor hosted websites and ensure that they crash whenever new content is uploaded.

Kris Marshall, BT's answer to the Gold Blend guy, explained that the new high-speed fibre technology would lead to a change in the advertisements, including scenes of Esther Hall streaming naked videos of herself. Sales of tissues in computer shops all over the UK have surged as a result.

End to 'War on Terror' Within Sight

A recent image of Abu Goodi preaching in Finsbury Park

Sources within the MoD, MI6 and both the CIA and US Department of Defense have indicated that the end of the War on Terror is in sight, following the reported death of one of a leading terrorist figure.

Security Service spokesman David Shayler said today that intelligence sources had received word of the death of Abu Goodi, the shadowy female mastermind behind a global string of suicide binge-drinking and ladette fundamentalism.

Mr Shayler said, "obviously these are unconfirmed reports, and we are monitoring the tabloid press for confirmation. However, our covert sources indicate that Abu Goodi has, indeed, passed away of natural causes".

Police and public health bodies are on high alert at present, expecting an upsurge in sympathy reprisals in the form of loud drinking sessions, televised funerals, rentaquote 'tributes' and tabloid mourning. Reports of a recession-busting upturn in the floristry and helium-balloon market sectors remain unconfirmed.

Speaking at an impromptu press conference, Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson denied reports that the Scotland Yard Firearms Unit were on increased alert, adding, "it's always been our policy to shoot anyone who looks like a drunken Essex chav".

Former Prime Minister Tony Bliar, and Former President George W Shrub, both welcomed the reports of Abu Goodi's death, with President Shrub saying, "it's Mission Accomplished, folks".

IRA Demand BBC Apology over Jacko Jibe

RIRA Spokesman Mr P O'Neill at this morning's Press Conference.

Furious IRA terrorists have demanded an apology from the BBC after two comedians compared their comeback to that of Michael Jackson.

Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis, speaking days after Jackson had announced his comeback tour at the O2 Arena, said on Radio 4's 'Now Show': "I can't decide which '80s celebrities I want back less. Michael Jackson or the IRA".

The BBC website reportedly compounded the insult by saying on their website: “Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis discuss the return to Britain of undesirables, from Michael Jackson to the IRA.

Mr P O'Neill, of the Irish Republican Publicity Bureau, said that members of the Real IRA and Continuity IRA, who shot back to prominence last week with a series of pointless, brutal shootings, were horrified when they heard about the joke.

He added, "we were told about the comments and we're appalled. It is a disgusting slur. To be compared to a surgery-addicted, alleged kiddy-fiddling loon is not funny, it is highly offensive". It is believed that a formal complaint has been made to the BBC, and that members of the Real IRA are seeking a public apology from Punt and Dennis.

The 'Real IRA comeback tour' has not been as successful as its members had hoped, mainly because nobody's interested in their act any more. Additionally, the performers in their recent gig at Massareene Army Base were so unpopular (especially with the Provisional IRA) that they have had to go into hiding. Hopefully at the bottom of the Liffey.

Michael Jackson was unavailable for comment, as he was busy blowing Bubbles.

Heston Reopens Fat Duck Restaurant

The Willy Wonka of fine dining ponders his next esoteric marvel.

Michelin-starred celebrity chef Heston Blumenthal has reopened his exclusive Fat Duck restaurant, with a new menu he claims is even more ground-breaking than before.

The chef, who has previously wowed diners with delights including egg-and-bacon ice cream and snail porridge, has now introduced bacteria, microbes and fungal spores to his range of exotic ingredients. New additions to the menu include:

White Chocolate, Elephant Sperm and Norovirus Layer Cake;

Foie Gras and Botulinum Parfait, with an Athlete's Foot Jus;

Candied Candiru and Herpes Bake, served on a bed of wilted Belladonna.

In a press conference surrounded by his team of Oompa-Loompa chefs, the 'Willy Wonka of fine dining' said, "I'm sure that guests will welcome the new dishes. I'm especially pleased with the Anthrax, Banana and Echidna Broth, which is served with an E-Coli zabaglione. It's a taste sensation, both going down and coming back up!".

For the opening night, Blumenthal is also offering a Limited Edition Parliament Special of Gordon Brown's bogies, served on rice-paper Environmental Health legislation and garnished with Roy Hattersley's dribble.

When approached for comment on this ground-breaking new menu, fellow Michelin-starred chef Gordon Ramsay said - well, you can imagine what he said.

The Pursuit of Hedonism - Chapter Two

The second chapter of Dungeekin the Elder's meisterwerk is now online.

To whet the appetites of my readers, hungry for more of My Father's Voice, I give you this small snippet:

Let me nail my colours to the mast here, if modern day vessels have such a thing, I have nothing against homosexuality, lesbianism, transvestitism, transexuality, or trans Siberian sexuality, which is of course doing it in the snow. It is only that I would like it to be a voluntary act between any number of consenting adults, not a compulsory demonstration of non-discrimination. I do not want it rammed down my throat, or indeed any other orifice.

Go there. Enjoy. Comments welcome, but keep them polite please, I have no wish to suffer his Wrath.

Mass Arrests in Website Sting Operation

An unprecedented 18 million UK residents have been arrested today by Police, following a major sting operation.

In a combined covert operation managed by the Labour Party, MI5 and the Serious Organised ThoughtCrime Unit of the Metropolitan Police, the huge number of arrests made have revealed the deep roots of traitorous conduct in the UK amidst those who should love Ingsoc and Big Brown.

Speaking from the Ministry of Love, Justice Minister Laventiy Straw outlined the 'sting' operation, saying, "the units involved launched a spoof website, which invited people to tell us, in 140 characters or less, what they would like to say to the Prime Minister".

"18 million of those responses were seditious in some way, with some daring to question Big Brown's economic genius, some denying that he is the Saviour of the World, and some even suggesting that The Worlds' Greatest Economist should stand down".

Mr Straw said that some 'known political traitors', believed to include a cabal of saboteurs known only by their internet personae as 'Obnoxio', 'Dungeekin, and Guido Fawkes'were also guilty of making comments on the spoof pages that were "tantamount to terrorism". He added, "Dungeekin's in particular was violent, scatalogical and, according to the Chief Medical Officer, physiologically impossible. Besides, Gordon doesn't even have a pet chinchilla".

The Justice Minister paid tribute to the Internet Service Providers who had been 'very helpful' in providing the addresses of all 18 million miscreants, a task made easier following the recent legislation on Communications Endpoint Monitoring.

Those arrested are to be held in specially-constructed prison camps until such time as the required laws can be enacted to reintroduce capital punishment for Sedition, Treason and Saying Nasty Things About Gordon.

Dear Local Council. . .

Dear Local Council

I was most interested and enlightened to read this article on Pravda today. Apparently, people from outside the EU moving to the UK to work or study will have to pay £50 to cover the cost of the services they use, and it gave me a wonderful idea.

Clearly, if it only costs £50 for an immigrant, with all the services, benefits and so on that they require, then my cost should be considerably lower.

• I work and pay taxes, therefore I am not a drain on the Benefits system.

• We own our own home, so place no drain on public-sector housing.

• I've never had so much as a parking ticket, so have not cost the Police time or money.

So - from what I can establish, the only cost I place on local council resources is my refuse collection. Given that it only costs £50 to give an immigrant everything they need, I am sure that emptying my bin once a week must cost considerably less than that.

However, in my typical community-minded spirit, I'm happy to reach an accommodation. I'll cancel my monthly payment towards the £1500 per year you charge me for all the services I don't use, and will instead send you a cheque for £50. As a goodwill gesture, I'll even do it annually. That should cover it, right? Right?

Or am I subsidising this 'visa charge' by a few quid?

Yours questioningly

Dungeekin


PS: Sorry about the picture of Minnie Mouse, but she's the NuLieBore goon fronting this scam.

Muhammad's Carpet to be Auctioned

Muhammad's carpet

A carpet, purchased 150 years ago to decorate the tomb of the Prophet Muhammad in Medina is due to be auctioned today.

The carpet, which is largely red and blue and decorated with pearls, was made in the 1860's and was bought by the Prophet's descendants in around 1860 from their local branch of Courts. It was used between 1860 and around 1909 as a decoration to the tomb's bathroom, where its rubber backing was seen as a godsend. Or, obviously enough, an Allahsend.

The current owner, a Mr A Hamza of Belmarsh, is reported to be selling the precious loomed heirloom to pay for some snout he owes 'Crusher' Willis on B Wing, said, "It's as good a piece of Wilton as anyone's going to find, I'm sad to be getting rid of it, truth be told".

Auctioneers Floggit Gavel have been commissioned to sell the rug, are expecting it to sell for 'upwards of £5, perhaps as much as £20', and orange antique specialist David Dickinson said, "at that price it's cheap as chips, and it'll be right as rain once someone gets the stains out".

This is the first of the carpets from the Prophet's tomb to be sold on the open market. A stair carpet, believed to have been used in Muhammad's student days when he resided in a 3-bedroom semi in Luton, is due to be sold next week and has a reserve price of £0.99 on eBay.

Max Clifford to Sue Liam Neeson

Tabloid publicist Max Clifford has today announced that he is to sue the estate of Natasha Richardson, tragically killed yesterday in a skiing accident.

In a statement released through his solicitors Frameup, Chasem & Ambulance, Mr Clifford stated that the legal action was to compensate him for loss of earnings after Ms Richardsons' death denied him the front pages of the tabloids.

Mr Clifford said, "It's disgusting, quite frankly. I know that Natasha Richardson was an attractive, warm, genuinely talented award-winning actress, and part of a theatrical dynasty. I know that she's been married to another extremely talented actor for years, and managed to stay out of the headlines. But I've got Jade Goody, and I have to work with the material I'm given - so I want compensation for her inconsiderate act while I'm in the middle of trying to milk this cash-cow".

'OK' Magazine have confirmed that they are not to produce an Obituary edition for Ms Richardson, because she's actually dead and they can't get photos and interviews of a corpse.

In a separate but related development, Jade Goody today harangued reporters in a telephone conference from her sickbed, screaming, "look at me! I'm dying! Me! Look at me!".

Liam Neeson and the extended Redgrave family have declined to comment, as they have more dignity.

Obituary - Jade Goody 1981-2009

Well, as it appears that 'OK! Magazine' are doing it, then I don't see why I shouldn't.

*****

The United Kingdom, and the worlds of Literature, Art and Science are united in grief today at the announcement of the tragic passing of Jade Goody at just 27 years old.

Fighting back tears, Gordon Brown paid tribute to Jade and her works, describing her as, "the brightest light in Britain's firmament". He added, "we shall never see another who gave so much of herself, and who contributed so greatly to the advancement of knowledge around the world".

Born Janet Goodlington-Smythe to a family of itinerant Essex pig-felchers, it was expected that Jade would join the family business - but her brilliance and talent made it clear from an early age that she was destined for greatness. By the age of 13, she had already passed 6 A-Levels and produced an anthology of poetry that was described by Poet Laureate Andrew Motion as 'worthy of the finest of Wordsworth'.

After achieving a double First in Mathematics and Classics at St. Hildas College Oxford at the tender age of 17, Janet changed her name to Jade Goody and pursued her love of literature to the full. At 19, she published a translation of Dante's Divine Comedy that stands to this day as the definitive masterwork. Turning to art, Jade's first exhibition of work at Tate Modern rendered Brian Sewell accentless, and won her the Turner Prize.

At 20, Jade took a year off before changing careers again, this time bringing her artistic talents to the screen. During her 'gap year', as she described it, she found time to row single-handed around the world backwards, and also carried out the first solo trek by a woman to both Poles, in doing so beating Sir Ranulph Fiennes' long-standing speed record.

Jade's rise to stardom as an actress was, unsurprisingly, meteoric, and within a year she had been awarded her first Oscar for Best Actress. However, it was widely considered that her work with Shilpa Shetty, which netted her a Best Supporting Actress Oscar, was her best moment overall.

Despite a hectic schedule, Jade found time to work tirelessly for good causes across the globe. Her boundless energy was applied to innumerable projects, and she is credited directly with the achievement of peace in the Middle East following her ground-breaking tripartite negotiations with Israel and Palestine. Her radical approach to community relations led to the implementation of a stable unity government in Zimbabwe, and she was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for her single-handed resolution of the conflict in Sudan.

Despite being diagnosed with a terminal illness, Jade fought bravely and with dignity, and in her last months she retreated to a sanatorium in Hertfordshire, where she returned to her studies. Her final work, a mathematical system for the generation of cold fusion, is currently being studied by teams of physicists at Oxford, Cambridge, MIT and CERN.

Jade is survived by her husband, golf-club tester Jack Tweedy, and two children, and we offer them our sympathy.

Jade is to receive a State Funeral at Westminster Abbey, to be presided over by the Archbishop of Canterbury, who she counted among her personal friends. Sir Elton John has also announced that he will be performing at the service.

The United Nations has announced a three-day National Mourning Period to allow all those devastated by the loss of this great woman to come to terms with their grief. In the UK, following reports of suicides and mass displays of grief in the streets, the Government has made a counselling helpline available.

If you have been affected by the loss of this paragon of all that is Best in Britain, call the 'Oh My God, Jade Goody's died and I just can't handle it' Helpline on:

(0800) 66 47328 5677**

**(working out the text version is left as an exercise for the reader)

Call for Enquiry Over Stafford NHS Trust

'All Hope Abandon, Ye Who Enter Here'

The Government and patient care groups have called for an immediate public enquiry into failings at the flagship Mid-Stafford NHS Trust, following the revelation that up to 400 patients may have actually survived a stay at the hospital.

According to a report by the Healthcare Commission, despite managers' best efforts to bring the hospital to the required standards - said standard being that of a field hospital in the Crimean War - an 'unacceptable proportion' of patients had survived in-patient treatment, with fewer than targeted contracting MRSA.

Mr Nulab Shill, of the Healthcare Commission, said, "we appreciate that managers did their best to reduce patient care costs, and we applaud their innovation in the use of untrained receptionists as triage nurses and the brilliance of shuffling waiting patients into a disused area so they couldn't be counted for statistics, the fact remains that an unacceptable proportion of service users were successfully treated". However, Mr Shill added that he was delighted with the Trusts' increase in c. difficile cases, saying, "this proves that they can fuck up patients in the best traditions of NHS Trusts, and shows potential for the future".

The Trusts' Standards Director, Ms Bea N Counter, expressed dismay at the Commission's findings and said, "Mid-Staffs NHS Trust will continue to innovate in patient mismanagement. We are now to trial a scheme using illegal Khazakstani immigrants, currently on our cleaning team, to act as cardio-thoracic surgeons, and will be having our triage carried out by residents of the secure Mental Health Unit next door. We are confident that by this time next year, we will have reached the highest standards of unnecessarily dead patients demanded by Government".

Health Secretary Alan Johnson declined to comment, as he's with BUPA.

Bad Temper Warning

WARNING

Dungeekin Bad Mood Alert Status has been upgraded to:

DEFCON 2

High risk of explosion, venom and vitriol. Blast radius expanded to 500 metres. Sarcasm is deemed imminent in the event of provocation.

DO NOT APPROACH. REPEAT, DO NOT APPROACH.

Dungeekin The Elder

So my esteemed, venerable and ancient Father, from whom I have inherited my mastery of the written word, my genius with a drill bit and, of course, my ravishing good looks, has turned in his dotage back to writing.

Obviously, this has taken a degree of instruction from me, as the last time he wrote he was using a quill rather than a PC. But that's another story.

However, take it from me. He's good. Our childhoods were filled with stories and anecdotes, little tales and poems that got us through the scary and insecure times. 'The Big Red Moving Lorry' is one I particularly remember, if by now only the title.

Dungeekin the Elder is now addressing his wizened hands to the keyboard, and with his permission I am bringing his new masterwork, 'The Pursuit of Hedonism', to the Blogosphere. Here's a small extract to whet your appetite. . .

". . .the overwhelming majority being literally challenged when faced with anything more than the Sun or the Beano, both of which have now been combined to make the Sunday Sport, that seems as likely as a 13 year old being the first to deflower a virgin on an Eastbourne Housing Estate. As we all know, teenage girls in such areas move from riding in prams to pushing them and sucking dummies to fellatio, in less time than it takes them to claim their benefits!"

I'm sure you'll enjoy the rest.

'Chapter One - Retirement is Real' - is HERE, and I'll be posting his updates as and when he works out how to email attachments to me. Enjoy.

Madagascan President Resigns

Following news that the President of Madagascar has resigned, 'Diary of a Geek in Oxfordshire' exclusively brings you the first photos of the new President:

Prime Minister Gordon Brown is to meet with the new President shortly, and is reportedly practising his 'Mad Stuntman' dance moves.

Samaritans Launch 'Jadeline'

Saint Jade of Essex ministering to her faithful flock of tabloid paparazzi.

Counselling charity Samaritans has announced it is setting up a new 'Jade Helpline', to help those most affected deal with the impending loss of the reality TV person.

The new Jadeline service will be a private number issued only to tabloid journalists, dealing with the grief of actually having to go back to work and report some real news instead of simply reprinting Max Clifford's latest press release.

Sources within The Sun and The Mirror have reported many 'journalists' suffering 'severe Post-Goody Stress Disorder' following the revelation that they would actually have to find proper stories to write about. One reporter, who declined to be named, said, "we've spent weeks just splurging the latest blurb from Max all over the front page, with yet another photo. Many of our staff have forgotten what little they knew about real journalism - we're terrified, what are we gonna do when the Jade gravy train is gone?"

Samaritans spokesman Em Pathy said, "we realise that the impending tragic death of Jade Goody will be a moment for tremendous grief within the tabloid industry. The loss of easy headlines, pap-shots of a non-sleb and the marked reduction in revenue stream from kiss-n-tell stories is a matter for major concern, and the Samaritans will be there for all those tabloid hacks who are facing a future of proper work".

Ms Pathy added that the Samaritans were starting a campaign to make Post-Goody Stress Disorder a recognised and legitimate mental illness and eligible for incapacity benefit.

Your Correspondent attempted to approach Jack Tweed for comment, during a brief window when he wasn't in jail, but unfortunately had the crap beaten out of him by Mr Tweed armed with a golf club.

Free

I did not write this masterpiece, seen at Old Holborn's - but this is too well-written, and too relevant, not to repeat here.

*****

Gordon Brown
10 Downing Street
London
SW1


Notice of the People’s Reclamation of the land of Great Britain


Dear Gordon Brown

Please read this letter very carefully. It is a notice. It means what it says. It requires no response as its content is a statement and is not negotiable.

I did not write this. Who wrote these words is not important. What is important is what they say. What is important is that I feel them as though I’d written them myself. What is important is that I know that, as you read them, I know that I am one of many all joined in thought at this time. All knowing that each and every one of us feel these words and have come together in this way to show you who we really are.

I know that right now, you live in denial. Because you know, like I know, that something is terribly wrong. It matters not anymore. What matters, is that you confront your denial and admit to yourself that for all the good you may feel you can do, in reality you can do nothing. You do not really know what to do.

But that is of no significance because now you need not do anything. Becoming a politician was your downfall, because it has restricted you along with all the other politicians who, like you, can do nothing to stop what is and what will be. I know who controls you, dictates to you, funds you and owns you. They always will because you lack the strength to stand against them and join the ones who elected you.

It is us, the people who ultimately will show you that we elected you and all your colleagues to govern and protect us from the loss of our Natural Born Sovereignty. We elected you just like we elected all before you and they let us down just like you have. You possibly didn’t mean to, you just did. We elected you because you were one of just a handful we in turn were presented with. We had no choice but to elect one of you. That is not democracy.

You, like all the rest before you could not, and never will, be able to give us what we elected you to do. We elected you to abide with us in our freedom that we may live in a country of warmth, safety and prosperity. It is my belief that we as human beings deserve to live our lives the way we choose, in a responsible and respectful manner toward our fellow beings on this land, and to share our warm welcome with others from far lands, and to move freely in our own world in peace.

You and those before you care not for us. You care only for yourself and never listen to the real voice of the people you consider that you govern. So it is now time for us, the people, to take back what you have taken from us. Our Natural Inalienable Rights of the Common Law of this land which you and all those before you chose to take from us, and then offer back to us in the form of privileges. You stole our children from us, and kept us from the knowledge of how you did it. You used this knowledge and created us as legal fictions called ‘persons’, in order to entrap and enslave us in the debt which you have accrued over time with a privately owned corporation known as the Bank of England.

Fleet Law, the law of the waters, does not apply to human beings on the land. You have used this law and with sleight of hand, using meanings to words which only you and your society understand, in order to cheat us from our liberty and our freedom.

You and all those before you have created a complex inter twined society of secrets to which we are not invited. You use these secrets to cheat us and lie to us in order to keep us in fear and guilt and hate. You manipulate us that we may fight each other, police each other, resent each other, thus distracting us from what is real. And the truth is that we are real. We are conscious flesh and blood human beings with a living soul.

We abide by the Common Laws of this Land and never knowingly cause loss, harm or injury to another fellow being. These are the only Laws by which we need to be governed. Your fictional Statutory Rules are becoming an obsession for you, and all those who support you in them. We take the view that you have no soul, no compassion, no empathy and no love for your fellows. Therefore you either have no soul, or you live in the pain of not knowing who you are.

So here and now let it be known to you and your peers that no army in this world can stop us from taking back our birthright. We will not fight you with guns. We will not riot and thus give you the excuse you and your masters desire in order to enslave us further. We will not fight you physically at all. We will fight you with what we possess – knowledge and Common Sense. In doing so we will take down your agents and judiciaries, because we know their workings, and we know what to say to them and we know what to write to them. We know the right questions to ask. We know how to pose unanswerable questions to which Common Sense and the rule of Common Law are the sole answers.

We will now live our lives the way we wish, and you cannot stop us. You have twisted words and used them against us to gain your false power. We now take back those words and use them against you in their natural and most powerful meaning and understanding. False Statutory Rule will fall as it is fiction created by you and the ones before you, and all that it has created will fall with it.

We no longer accept your rule.

We will not fight you or cause chaos on our streets.

We will not fight each other

We will not join your armed forces

We will not fight beings from other lands on your behalf

We will not join your police force

We will not pay your taxes

We will not listen to your lies

We will not register our newborns

We will not force our children to do that which they do not want to do

We will not join another nations rule

We will stand by and protect our sovereignty

We will protect our land from the oppression of other lands and their leaders

We will force your system to shut down and fail

We will never allow your system to rise again

We will stop the cash flow through your privately owned banks

We will educate others of your secret societies and corrupt business of ruling

We will create our own freedom

We will remain peaceful at all times

We are implacable

We are honourable

Without us your system is nothing. Your system cannot function without the people who make it work. We are the people who work in your corporations. We are the people who work in your courts. The people who work in your shops and your offices and your transport network and your postal service. We are the moving parts of your machine and we will stop your system from working.

We have the power to do all of this and you know this is the truth. You knew this was coming all along. You were waiting for this. It releases you from your pain. If you have a backbone you will stand down from your position and join us. If you are true to your people you will do this. If you wish to lead us, then join us. Stand up to the ones who control you and tell them you believe in your people.

I am one of many and the many are growing by the day. Join us in our freedom if you will. The door is open to all human beings, if indeed you are one.

Sincerely without ill-will, frivolity, or vexation,

Free

Ferry Crossings Face New Tax Increase

Booze-Cruise? Forget it, the Regime will tax that too.

The Government has announced that ferry travel to Europe is to be subject to a minimum charge of £250, in order to prevent binge-drinking and promote public health.

The change was announced this morning by Business Secretary Dark Lord Mandelson, as an addition to the recent announcement by Health Secretary Liam Mengele that alcohol is to be taxed at a minimum level of £0.50 per unit.

Speaking from his secret underground lair, the Dark Lord said, "since the announcement by the Health Secretary, our communications surveillance has picked up a lot of traffic with people talking about taking 'booze cruises' to take advantage of cheaper alcohol prices in Europe. Clearly, this is unsatisfactory. The Government puts legislation in place, and it's the Proles' responsibility to blindly and unthinkingly follow those rules, not find ways to circumvent our tax-gathering".

He added, "therefore, if people will not submit willingly to The Will of Gordon, we are left with no option but to enforce that Will. Therefore, in order to protect young people from the hazards of binge-drinking and to protect our tax revenues, it is right that we tax ferry crossings".

The new costs, which are to be applied with immediate effect, are to be backed up by the Government's planned Travel Database system. Anyone taking ferry crossings more often than a Government-agreed maximum will be forced to justify their travels, and may be subject to home searches to ensure that their alcohol stocks match their purchasing record within the UK.

Prime Mentalist Gordoom McBroon was unavailable for comment on the new laws, as he was pissed out of his skull on cheap, subsidised Scotch in the Parliamentary Bar.

Gazza 'A Zombie'

Gazza contemplates eating the photographer's brains.

Former football legend and renowned boozehound Paul Gascoigne has revealed that he is now an undead zombie walking the land, following repeated deaths while in rehab for his alcohol problems.

The troubled star, who scored hundreds more pints than he ever did goals, revealed the shocking story in an exclusive interview with Sky News.

According to Gascoigne, his heart stopped three times while in rehab, and on each occasion he was revived by medics, who were unable to declare him legally dead because there was no discernible brain activity whether his heart was beating or not.

A spokesman for the clinic, who asked to remain anonymous, said, "we can only declare someone legally dead when the brain has died. In Paul's case, because he's pretty much been brain-dead since birth, it was not possible to declare him dead. Our local Voodoo Outreach Shaman took a look and declared Paul was a zombie, and we've taken his verdict on trust.

In the interview, Gascoigne was filmed lurching on a beach with his nephews, moaning, "braaaaaaiiiiiins......braiiiiiinnnsssssss". His former wife and punchbag Sheryl commented that the former England star was now much more articulate as a result of him being the living dead.

Lottery to become Compulsory

The Government has today announced that taking part in the National Lottery is to become compulsory with immediate effect.

The announcement follows on from the revelation that fully half of the Lottery's 'Good Causes' funding now goes on Health, Education and the Environment.

Multimillionaire Culture Secretary Barbara Follet said that the move, which will require all those over the age of 16 to purchase two tickets for both the Saturday and midweek draws, was "a vital step to re-energise the economy". High earners, defined by a new Government method to include anyone not on benefits, are to be required to purchase five tickets per draw.

Mrs Follett pointed out that using the Lottery funds to provide services that should be handled through general taxation was an excellent method of covering Government waste, and added further tax revenue to the pot without increasing the official tax burden.

However, she added, "it's not really a tax, as there's a 1 in 14 million chance of you getting it back".

In a separate but related development, it was announced that the Parliamentary Pension Fund is to be added to the list of Lottery Good Causes.

Chocolate to Get Health Warnings

A new 'Health Warning' photo for chocolate bars.

The Department of Health has today announced a new scheme aimed at tackling the social and public health issues caused by the wanton consumption of chocolate.

The actions follow the recent campaign by Doctor David Interferingscrote, who described chocolate as 'a major player in the obesity epidemic' facing the UK.

Speaking at the BMA Annual Scottish Conference, Dr Interferingscrote - who started his campaign after his wife and children left him for someone who was less of a miserable, joyless waste of oxygen - had called for chocolate to be subject to taxation, which could be used to fund further campaigns to remove anything people enjoy from life.

Health Secretary Alan Johnson immediately welcomed the report, saying, "anything that makes the Proles more miserable is a good thing, as far as this Government is concerned. And if we can make a few quid in tax, too, well that's good for the old pension pot, isnit?"

Under the new legislation, to be introduced using the Parliament Act in order to prevent debate, chocolate is to be subject to an immediate tax of 40% at the point of sale. All bars of chocolate over 30g are also to carry health warnings, similar to those on cigarette packets, along with pictures of fat people to hammer the point home to the illiterate.

Dr Interferingscrote has now been commissioned by the Goonvernment to carry out an Inquiry to discover everything else that normal human beings actually enjoy once in a while, with a view to either banning or taxing them. Speaking through a bulletproof barrier to protect him from the outraged masses, the doctor welcomed his new role, adding, "I believe it's important that the views of one loveless, lifeless, joyless, soulless fuckwit are taken into account, and used to throttle any semblance of enjoyment from the daily lives of ordinary people".

Based on the well-known links between chocolate and sex, the Government is also to draw up a White Paper to implement taxation of procreation at 23%, with fellatio being taxed at the higher rate. A spokesman for Gordon Brown said that the Prime Minister would be unaffected by the tax plans, as the only thing he's ever fucked is the country.

Government Announces New Bank Lending Rules

Your new Bank Manager gives his opinion of the Electorate.

Britain's nationalised banks are to be 'facelifted' and to introduce new lending policies in a bid to revitalise Britain's torpid housing market, it was announced today.

Northern Wreck, Lards Banking Group and Royal Plank of Scotland, which are now all in majority Government ownership, are to be merged into a single retail banking entity Brown Bank, and will operate under a single lending policy, under the supervision of Prime Minister Gordoom McBroon.

Under the new Brown Bank lending terms, credit applicants will be required to provide information regarding their political affiliations and voting history. This will then be checked against a planned database of Labour Party members, Trades Union memberships and Benefits claimants, and lending decisions will then be made based on the political reliability of the applicant.

Speaking at a soporific Press Conference in Downing Street, the PM explained that the new Brown Bank would be focused on 'getting on with the job' of introducing a 'fair, equitable and right' lending policy. Mr Brown said, "it is right that we merge these banks and, in doing so, ensure that they revitalise the British economy by providing British mortgages to British Labour voters".

The PM added that preferential interest rates would be available to Labour Party donors, and added, "we anticipate that this new approach will ensure our continued governance after the next election - because if you want to keep your house, you have no choice but to vote Labour. No, seriously, no choice - if you aren't voting for us, we'll repossess you so you won't even be on the voters roll".

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne attacked the new arrangements, saying, "we know why they call it the Brown Bank - it's named after the shit state of the economy".

Dear BT Broadband. . .

Dear BT Broadband

I have, on occasion, lauded you to the very skies for your quick responses and your pleasing habit of passing me through to Second Line rather than going through the usual, interminable 'Reboot, Reboot, Reinstall' scripts your Helldesk are equipped with.

No more. No longer. You have, it pains me to admit, incurred a full helping of The Wrath of Dungeekin.

Six months ago, the DSL connection at Vitriol Towers developed an irksome tendency to lose line sync. This problem was reported to yourselves, and you sent an engineer who identified a short in the junction box outside the Towers, and remedied the problem.

Fast forward four months, and the DSL connection at Vitriol Towers develops an irksome tendency to lose line sync. The problem is intermittent, except when it rains, when it becomes almost impossible to browse the Web, as the router can't hold sync.

I report this to you, battle my way past the linguistically-challenged guardians of Cluelessness that constitute your Helldesk, and finally, having passed the Trials, get to the Clued denizens of your Network faults department. We troubleshoot together, off they go to diagnose. I am called 24 hours later and advised, "the engineer has been to the exchange and fixed the problem".

Guess what? The problem wasn't fixed. I still have an irksome tendency to lose line sync - and now I am significantly more irked with you.

I have now repeated this little interaction with you pretty much every time it's rained since the beginning of February.

Your Helldesk have phoned me every day this week and told me, "the engineer has been to the exchange and fixed the problem". Every time it has NOT been fixed, and every time I have explained the symptoms - again - and requested the presence of an on-site engineer. Every time this is agreed to, and I'm told I will be called for an appointment.

And the next day? You're back on the fucking phone, telling me the fucking engineer has been to the fucking exchange and fixed the fucking problem that isn't in the fucking exchange, it's outside my fucking house, as I've been fucking telling you for the last two fucking months!

My patience, limited at the best of times, is now exhausted. I have had my fill of dealing with your 'Muppet Show' rejects who, when given a full array of external symptoms, try to diagnose the WLAN connection they were told 15 minutes previously was working fine. I am sick of explaining that no, the OS I am running has precisely sod-all to do with whether or not I have DSL line sync. And if one more person phones me to tell me that "the engineer has been to the exchange and fixed the problem" - well, I have a big stick with a nail in, and I won't be responsible for my actions.

BT Broadband - fix the problem. Fix it now, and fix it as permanently as possible. If you do not fix the problem, rest assured I will be resolving MY personal problem with you - and that resolution will involve Ofcom, thermite, mains voltage and a healthy dose of inflammable liquids. And you'd better fucking believe it'll be permanent.

Twats.

Yours Synclessly

Dungeekin